Oops, I think my webpage needs a revamp some day soon. It looks like some childish webpage made by those 12 years old students for their projects. I think I need to “Yu Shi Bing Jin”, at least do one more presentable one to upgrade the image. Just like what we were taught in our classes. Image and Layout is ever so important. Oh well, they are the exact components that my webby lacked!

Don’t think I know much about flash to do one really impressive ones, so I guess I shall start off by learning some simple yet nice layout that I chanced upon online. Well, since I am ever so lazy, I doubt I will do it anytime soon, but I WILL make a mental note on it. Hopefully will get it done real soon… soon.. soon..

In the worst case, perhaps I should just relocate all my pictures into those online albums, that will kinda save all the troubles, since my initial intention of doing a webpage is to put up my collection of pictures to let those friends whom I hardly meet up to know how I am doing. By doing that, that will save a lot of comments like “eh, your homepage really cannot make it leh!” or “Ermmm, pictures nice la, but then hor.. the layout erm… you know..”.

Ok guys, I get your messages loud and clear!

Come to think of it, our relationship has been going on for almost 11 months, with a two weeks of uncertainties, and few months of adjusting period while working things out in the beginning. *Gasp* Has it been so long? Seems like I wasn’t wrong about 2002 being a turbo-charged year.

Perhaps the uncertainties in the beginning really made me feel kinda negative towards this, and I could not see how we could ever figure that out. The things that were added to the friendship was awkwardness, insecurities, uncertainties, and deja vu of past bad relationships. I have always been a cynic when come to things like this, feels really weird eh.

True, both of us just weren’t ready. Both of us couldn’t really commit. Things happened too fast. The other party wasn’t sending positive signals about the relationship. We had the same questions and doubts bugging us too. I myself know for sure I shouldn’t have jeopardised the friendship in any way, and that the first day was probably one of the worst days, because I could already see it’s ‘end’ then, and I wasn’t even sure if I really did like this guy, or just yearning for more affection from a crush that’s all.

As expected, the ‘end’ came in just a week. It was something I had expected and kinda felt it was the best decision we could agree upon, I was cool. Somehow was just so frustrated with myself to let myself rush into things again, and jeopardising a nice friendship, and it was even more frustrating to have to pretend to act nothing had ever happened and get back on track with the friendship. Could it happen? I hardly thought so, but well, I managed to do it somehow, with little conviction though. But towards that two weeks, I thought I was coping well, and kinda starting to move on.

Yes. I was down. I cried. It wasn’t really about ending a relationship, but more of why I let my stupidity led me on to more mistakes once again, and why spoil a friendship just like that. Just angry with myself for being irrational again and I was overwhelmed with whatever I was trying to put up with.

It was kinda unexpected how we got back together again at the end of that 2 weeks, but somehow we did. As things got on, we managed to work issues out, talk things over, meeting expectations, getting used to each others’ temper, know what really hurts, and give and take somehow. It became less pressurise to be with him, and the uncertainties were fading away somehow. For once, I could see a working relationship for me even though we could never know what the future holds, but at least things do work once. It was a refreshing and amazing change from the start I guess, and kinda cut down my cynism towards relationships.

So some how, which I don’t know how, it progress till it is today.

It was really sweet just a couple a days ago, when we just cuddled and listened to classical music over the hi-fi in the dark. Though it’s just such tiny things, the feeling was just so wonderful that I could really just hide in his arms and lay that way for a long, long, long time. The best times are those when we both will do those silly acts and that really tickles me, like his famous para para dance, his goofiness is really adorable. oh yah, did I mention how he would hold my hand when he sleeps? okok.. I shan’t keep going on about this.

Ya, I am those who are hopelessly romantic. But he is not. So, most probably he will laugh at my this blog if he ever chances upon it.

But come to think of it, like what Wenmei and Jiali said, I haven’t be this happy for a long, long while. I guess this year would really have been so different without all these.

This year seems to have sped pass me at an alarming rate. Was it turbo-charged or what?! It’s heading to the last quarter of the year, can’t help but look back what I had done for the past 3/4 of 2002. I find myself looking at a blank sheet of record of what I had achieved.

Oh.. I’ve graduated with a diploma in Mass Communications, which doesn’t seem like a big deal to me anyway since I can’t really recall how I got that either.

I turned 21, which is a really sad thing. If only I can be 17 every year. But then again, no one will take me seriously if I stayed 17 since they will say “What do you know, you are just 17, you have yet to see the world!”. Oh well, if only I could stay 20 every year. It’s how ironic how I see myself to think more ahead or my fellow peers, yet I still feel my ‘child-like’ nature is still very much in me more than any of my peers as well.

This year was filled with quite a lot of frustrations over my status too. I can’t see it ending until I finally could settle down with a job. What the future holds? Who knows.

Humans are never satisfied, do they?