OF SUNDRESS WITH NOTHING UNDERNEATH

HIS HAND, HER HAND, MY HAND.

It took me a while to get the motivation back to blog.

It has been a long, eventful week, which sapped up the last essence of energy within me.

This is gonna be a long, long post.

Springs of emotions.

A little tricky, it could be.

But, I am at peace with it, right now. With no whatsoever doubts within, and a smile of victory.

An upward curve of ease. Sweet.

***

Let me continue on from the previous entry I left dangling.

Balaclava was quite hilarious.

We were sitting at this table meant for 8 people, right in the middle of nowhere.

We managed to exchange seats with this huge group, and the high stools were perfect.

Night proceeded on with Patrick coming over to start a conversation, and later bought us rounds of drinks.

I had a couple of mocktails, and *cough* a cup of Earl Grey.

Yeah, Earl Grey at Balaclava. Hurhurhur.

I think he wanted just a conversationalist. Though he was slightly irritating, but I found he was of good-natured, except when he snatched our phones to dial his own number.

Thief.

Ah. Two of his friends had extremely perky, rounded, firm, cute butts.

Woohoo.

People came and go, when we just couldn’t be bothered with them.

Denise and Janice with one of Patrick’s friends sneaking into the picture.

Just when Denise and I were going to take a picture together, the irritating duo(whom we snubbed cos we had no interest in their conversation of cheesy substances) had to spoil the pictures.

I rolled my eyes to show my displeasure, before I kindly told them I would appreciate if I could have a proper with my friend.

Good riddance.

The sensational trio.

Yummy.

Friend from overseas informed me that he’s here for a short trip. Interesting. It would be nice if we could get to catch up a little or something.

Daddy picked me up, and I ended the night early.

I had wanted to venture to Dbl O for a night of partying, but my throat wasn’t quite smooth, and it would be pretty hazardous with the smoke and everything.

Home.

I really, really had wanted to go Dbl O.

But, it might just be a better idea that I didn’t.

Yah, it’s better that way.

Thanks pal, for the call, that made my PMS so much more bearable.

***

Phantom of the Opera is awesome.

I bet it must be the PMS.

I teared.

I finished Disc 1 on a lonely Friday night.

I was touched beyond words when I finished Disc 2 in the late noon of Saturday.

Sorrowfully beautiful.

Chillingly haunting.

There was only her, in his world.

It took only her, to crumble his world.

A world he thought he had control over, but was never so.

I like.

The film. Not the sorrow.

***

Wheeee. Nice race today.

Results were satisfactory.

1st - Rossi
2nd - Gibernau
3rd - Melandri
4th - Barros

***

I had wanted to blog something patronising in this entry, as usual.

Hence, the original title, which was a private joke earlier this evening.

I reflected the past week.

I thought of the purpose of this blog.

And the emotional evening further egged me on.

Words are powerful tools.

It could make, or break.

However much tact I practise, however much I try to inject sincerity into this, I must be prepared for intentions to be twisted, words to be miscontrued, sentences to be misread.

Such is communications.

Still, brutal honesty may not come across well, however innocent the thoughts, the actions, the speech may be.

Or maybe, certain things weren’t meant to be innocent right from the start.

Still, I decided to be true to myself.

Apologies to those who would be potentially affected, and upset.

Thanks and apologies to those, who had to go through it with me.

I might lose friends, who never belonged to me to begin with.

I might lose support, from people who never understood me anyway.

I may come across as ‘pulling strings’ with some bloggers, but do look at it that I saw sincere friends in them, and not whether they are famous, or not.

Tsk tsk. Bitch, I may be, I may be not. Look at it at different perspectives.

***

I was apprehensive over Mambo night on Wednesday.

I once attended a blogger’s meetup, and was thoroughly uncomfortable.

Misfit, I was.

I am socially inept, I always insist.

People who follow my blog since last year, would know what a big leap I had taken since then.

It was hard for me to relate to anyone, and all I could do was to observe, and talk about the obvious - blog addresses and blog nicks.

Hardly appetising, isn’t it?

First impressions weren’t brilliant, and of course being diplomatic, I didn’t want to paint a perfect picture, thus, refrain from describing my first impressions of most people.

Hence, I generalised, saying all bloggers are hot and gorgeous people.

Truth is, there is no ugly blogger. In terms of looks wise, only.

And it was brief mention, and at then, I thought, our paths would not cross again.

I was wrong.

And I am glad I was wrong.

Vamptress, surprising, sprang back into my life.

It was a shaky start, cos she honestly felt how everyone painted a diplomatic, perfect picture, and didn’t have the balls hypocritically left out the flaws.

It was too much ass-buttering on our parts, back then.

I agree.

Have you read anything potentially lethal about people we had met, that could ruin your fantasies about the people behind the blogs?

All of us have our flaws.

You beautify a picture of us, and the results could be disappointing.

I learnt that.

I could be that disappointment too.

I liked Mambo night.

Not completely, but enough.

I met new people whom I like, whom I thought I like, whom I thought I couldn’t click, whom I thought were different, whom didn’t come across as quite friendly.

It’s just natural for people to click with people they feel more comfortable with.

And the few days from Wednesday proved to be surprising, when you slowly learn new things about people, about people whom you thought you know, but had no idea.

Finicky Feline was shy to begin with.

I was adamant she didn’t like me and had something against me.

I changed my views on her when I saw her put a comforting arm over someone who was in deep thoughts.

Tetanus first words to me were ‘Why cheesebuns?‘.

*Bitch-slap*

Apparently, he mistook me for Miryclay.

Sorry to disappoint ya mate, my body ain’t as hot.

Sandra came across as rather aloof. I don’t know if we had common topics, cos we didn’t talk much except for the sizzling body contact while dirty dancing together.

Vamptress is a hot dancer. I don’t have to add on cos… cos.. cos.. I just don’t have to. Muahaha.

Airhole talked a tad too much, tried a little too hard at times, but is generally a nice guy.

Vincent seemed a little out of place, but I realised his intentions were often misintepreted. But I always remember the encouraging words he had for me.

Sadly, we couldn’t really communicate well in real life.

Perhaps, I didn’t make an effort to, either.

Mandrake seemed like a guardian angel over us, quietly observing.

My only contact with Joel was when she was really wasted, and I didn’t have the chance to know her well.

Miryclay was as usual, daring with an air of straightforwardness. Yet, I wondered, if she truly happy?

I adore that girl, and yet, I don’t know how to show concern in a not-so-intrusive way.

She was as ever, showing care to people around her.

Thanks babe, I will pull through this phase. *smile*

Tripleperiod, I don’t know him well, really. He seemed gentlemanly yet he gives me a sense of uncertainty.

Jordan was friendly, but there wasn’t much exchange, except that he thought he had gotten used to the twirls.

I think the twirls are better, definitely.

Twit was having fun, and I thought of how simple, and pure her definition of happiness was.

Even my closest, Janice, was slightly different.

It’s interesting to be an observer.

We could be similar. But when in a crowd, she’s the social butterfly, and I am the social recluse, clinging to people I am more familiar, and comfortable with.

Shy.

Not a brilliant excuse, but yeah, I get social jitters all the time.

What did I truly feel? I feel as if there was a competition for attention, and the guys were trying a tad too hard to impress.

Ouch.

The underlying politics could be felt… somehow.

It is interesting to see how swift things evolved over the next few days.

***

I was tucking myself under the duvet at around 10 pm in the evening.

I snubbed an invitation to Velvet Underground, Attica, and a birthday party of a girlie.

I am just not into socialising for the day.

I drifted in and out of brief sleep, with the discovering channel flicking in the background.

I resolved to sleep at 12, to wake up at 9.30 the next morning for church.

Good girl, I thought.

As I got myself comfortable, with the soft duvet caressing my bare skin, toes curled rubbing against the smooth sheets, I picked up my read.

I readied myself to switch on to anti-social mood, and get myself trapped in a fictional world of literacy, away from reality.

Before I could flip my page, with my freshly shampooed hair still on the pillow, a beep from the phone cut me in my routine.

Tetanus.

He was heading down to meet up with the others at Wala Wala.

I declined the invitation to join.

He then said Finicky Feline would be there.

(I thought she told me she wasn’t going)

So, after some persistent persuasions and assurance that Finicky Feline would be there, I agreed.

I was given 15 minutes to get out of bed, and he would pick me up in a cab to go down together.

I immediately messaged Finicky Feline who told me she wasn’t going, but since that I was going, she might as well join in.

Cool.

Anyone who needs a lesson on how to get out of your comfort zone, pop in the contact lenses, find a combination of fresh clothes(and wonder where you chucked your undergarments), spray the perfume, pile on the makeup, draw the eyeliner, mascara, slip on the heels, lock door, take lift, sashay out of the lobby and make a 5 minutes phone call all in 15 minutes, you know who to call.

Nobody warned me it was a wrong move.

***

Met up with Finicky Feline before we made our way up to Wala Wala together.

Can you believe it, it is my first visit.

I was shot with furrowed brows and sceptical ‘are you sure?‘.

Yup.

I enjoyed the night thoroughly as I got more comfortable with the crowd.

The band was nice.

They were in the midst of Truth or Dare, where we witnessed full tongue actions between the girls.

We missed most of it, I didn’t know what was asked, what was said.

We joined in, and it was just 3 rounds before the band started playing.

Well done. I got my chance. ‘Which male blogger do you want to shag most?‘

Seriously, I have not thought of this before.

In my usual kooky fashion, ‘I would rather die than sleep with any of them.’

Which drew protests from Tetanus that male bloggers aren’t that bad.

I heard someone asked, ‘Kenny Sia?’

*chokes* *shudders*

He’s such a hairy guy such a nice pal that I would never thought such of him.

I gave a patronising answer, and casually pointed to Makanguru, whom I met for the first time, simply because I might give others the wrong idea if I had ‘made use’ of anyone else’s name.

Really cannot think of any lah.

The band was fabulous, and I was immersed in the sweet music of the night.

I like.

***

I was then asked to join my friends at Velvet, which I hesitated, and then decided my tummy needed to be filled.

***

Finicky Feline and Vincent headed home.

MakanGuru, Twit, Janice, and Sandra left in MakanGuru’s car to the destination.

TriplePeriod, Tetanus and I then headed to the ATM, and took a cab instead.

It was while we headed to the ATM, when some private and sensitive topic was brought up, and Tetanus was giving his opinions of the situation.

I laughed at my own silliness, and he jutted his elbow out for an assuring arm to hold on to.

I held on to it, walked right next to him, and nervously spilled my thoughts of my predicament.

Like a brother, he gave very straight to the point(not very pleasant though) answers.

We hopped on a cab, with a slightly wasted TriplePeriod, and headed to meet up with the rest, and the poor guy had to receive some stick from us cos we were trying to tease him while he was intoxicated.

We reached earlier than the rest and it was a fulfilling meal of Bak Kut Teh.

Sandra’s duck noodles were too much a temptation.

Sandra and TriplePeriod left earlier, and my cravings for roasted duck made me stay.

Janice and I then ordered some brilliant duck noodles, AFTER we had our Bak Kut Teh.

I was so famished that I was first to clean out my bowl. I didn’t spare the bowl full of you tiao.

I am so going to hell for gluttony.

I enjoyed the company of those who were there, and it was when I opened up slightly to the group with a more ditzy side to myself over duck noodles.

It was mentioned that someone was suggesting that Tetanus and I were an item.

HUH?!

Pretty absurd in my opinion, but we brushed it off, cos we didn’t have that much interaction at Wala wala, and we were sitting feets apart.

Other topics were then ventured on.

I started talking more, about my past, about my irritating chinese accent…. and we had a great time.

Or so I thought.

It was a question that was asked unintrusively, out of curiosity, which I didn’t even think too much into about when it was just casually mentioned.

With the ditzy tone since it was a spur of the moment thingy. Like an inquisite child, in my opinion. NOT bitchingly nor did I roll my eyes.

‘You all really believe what was said meh?‘

I thought to myself later, and concede that I could have asked it in a different sentence structure.

Yes, it was a tad of disbelief, and ’sure or not’ that led to the question.

But then again, it was the same disbelief, and ’sure or not’ I gave MakanGuru earlier on when he answered a question during our session.

Not unlike how Finicky Feline and Tetanus gave a ’sure or not’ when I said I had never been to Wala wala, and someone asked ‘You really never come here before?’.

I didn’t know how potentially destructive it could be if people meant to add salt and pepper to whatever I had said over supper table.

It didn’t take long, for the person in question get to know about it. Since we are all ‘friends’, anything said would get to her, she said.

If such a question, could be passed on to the person and be a cue for the people to interpret as I am showing dislike, then, *shrug* what can I say?

I would just admit that I don’t know her that well, and I was just curious cos I wasn’t there earlier to join in the game to know more, nor did I read her blog closely enough to know how she really is like, that caused the puzzle within me.

I did ask that question.

I just didn’t expect much were read into it.

I didn’t bother to explain since I thought it was minor and everything would blow over soon.

I didn’t even talk much to Finicky Feline on both occasions, cos we didn’t have the chance to strike up a conversation.

I tend to stick more to people I feel comfortable with, and I usually wait for people to initiate a conversation.

Passive, I am.

I am a *sneer* baby, I need to be babysitted. *blush*

If that amounts to showing dislike, being bitchy, being jealous, being ostracising, then…. hmmm *ponders* er, yah, I am an evil snob trying to be mean then.

The above is not for only one person, but for whoever who had met me, who is going to meet me, and who might meet me in the future.

I don’t pride myself as one of the bloggers, and I did mention yesterday that I would not join the bloggers convention, cos I am not good with crowds, cos I don’t feel exactly that I am a blogger in that sense, and I was afraid it might incur me into more politics.

What I didn’t expect is, politics came early.

***

The amusing *giggles* drama took a, er, dramatic twist.

I woke up, lazily, preparing myself for MotoGP, and was ‘interrogated’ if, in exact words, ‘throwing myself all over Tetanus over supper last night, flirting endlessly‘.

It was very shameless of me to do so, if I did, I was kindly(with good intentions) told.

THE HORRORS!!

HOW ABHORRING!

*GASP IN UTTER FLABBERGASTION*

What makes them think I have such *cough* exquisite taste?!

Don’t they think I would be a lady of great taste and would not condescend……

Oops.

Joke, joke.

So, are we, or are we not?

Did I, or did I not?

Yes yes, my hand on his palm.

*Ting cues X-files music*

But! Did you manage to catch a glimpse of the 3rd party in the picture?

I would say, it is amusing how this came about.

It definitely couldn’t be at Wala wala since we were sitting far apart, and we were facing the stage, in full view of those present.

In fact, he was more chummy with Finicky Feline cos they are good friends.

So, then we left.

It was when I briefly held on to his arm as we chatted.

Point of contact? Only my hand on his arm.

Over supper?

I inched towards him seductively, shoved him to the corner, cuffed his hands to the grills, parted his shirt aggressively, had my hands roaming all over his body, and then straddled him on the Bak Kut Teh’s stall’s table.

*ROLL EYES*

Duh.

I wasn’t even sitting right next to him.

Not even at the duck noodles stall.

Oh I know. They must have caught us playing footsie beneath the table.

Joke, joke.

We DIDN’T, alright.

I was talking to the group in general, except for the personal jibes which Janice also had received from me.

Sarcasm war.

Obviously such catty remarks were made to people we are closer to, and Janice and I shared the same quaint sense of humour, and we retaliated to Tetanus’ occasional funny yet bitchy comments.

She knows me. She knows it when I flirt. But I wasn’t even flirting, so I wonder how I had myself all over Tetanus.

There wasn’t even a hint of me flirting.

So yah, it was strange in my opinion such hilarious rumour was spreaded.

I had joked about the potential of me starting a TABLOG(tabloid for bloggers) filled with juicy scandals, but I didn’t think I would make the list so soon.

Some thought it was malicious, but I thought it was, er, funny?

Muahaha.

Though I admit, it could be potentially destructive.

And, it’s scary…

The power of words.

The swords of literature.

***

So what if the magic of bloggers dissipates the moment you meet us?

So what if the fantasies crumble when you realise we have more than the 2 dimensions we displayed here?

We are just normal humans.

There are the goods, and also the bads.

There’s nothing special behind the twirls, and you should never assume there is.

***

I just feel a need to refuke something that totally didn’t happen.

To mark a chapter in my life, a lesson learnt.

To be accused of an act which didn’t take place.

It wasn’t an easy step to step out of my comfort zone to meet up with people.

I thought I might have met some wrong people along the way(not necessary this group, but maybe *cough* others we had met earlier), but yet, all’s not lost.

Thankfully, I had met friends who are meant for keeps.

You guys know who you are.

***

Apparently, the scandalous revelation didn’t stop me from meeting Tetanus and Vamptress for tea and dinner this evening.

I crashed their meetup, actually. *sheepish*

Man! Was it a brilliant session.

We had many ‘creative’ moments.

Much laughters and absurdity were shared.

We *cough* threw ourselves all over him.

Yellow sundress with nothing underneath was one. *chuckles* *chokes back laughter*

Sorry that we are such visual animals elites.

We had many silent moments.

‘Silence is a form of communication.’

We could feel each other’s thoughts drifting, though I felt more of a voyeur, than a participant in the so-called mental-masturbation.

My thoughts drifted, and things they brought up trigger a chain of explosive thoughts.

Masked by my dreamy state, not unlike a bimbo.

A very interesting exchange.

Between them.

As the night dragged on after countless beverages, snacks, desserts, and likes, cryptical gazes were thrown at each other, as we sent each other into a deeper spiral of thoughts.

‘Do you think you changed people’s lives?‘ I was asked.

I don’t know. But I remember some then-stranger told me that I contributed to his decision to marry his girlfriend, and they later on had a lovely baby, who was intended to be aborted.

I was invited to his solemnization despite not knowing him in person prior to that.

Does that count?

Maybe that’s my calling, she suggested.

I don’t know.

But, I remember being asked what is my dream in life by Serene before.

My answer?

To make an impact, and know that I make a difference in people’s lives.

I didn’t mention it cos it may sound a tad deliberate.

But, nobody in my life stays constant. It was always the transition period which they then moved on, and I would be a conductive agent, but not an element they would bring along.

She made very sharp deductions. Spot on for all.

I confirmed her suspicions in a tirade of dramatic details.

The mention of my parents made me smile, made me tear.

Coolly represents the complex sentiments I have for them.

The carpet was lifted, with dust flipped into the air, scattered all around, choking me.

And us.

I don’t like it when I feel vulnerable.

It had been a long time since I narrate all these with tears.

I learnt to cope with them all these years, and could relate them without feeling affected, as if I was speaking of someone else’s story.

Today, I felt it was MY story.

Sorry to make you guys feel affected, I said.

If I didn’t remember wrongly, the touching response I had was, ‘When I feel affected, I carried you with me.‘

How blessed for such pals.

It was past midnight when we bade goodbye to her.

Someone I grew close to, unforseenly so.

I couldn’t help but ask, how did I end up growing closer to her in such a short span of time, over such a bizarre connection of events.

Quaint, oh quaint.

Still, it was a blast.

He sent me to the cab, and I told him to go ahead.

***

The Platinum Amex ad had its top left edge peeled from the wall of the building.

The workers at ground level busied themselves as they tried to strip it off the surface of the building.

I sat there, with an eye closed, I envisioned it was like a sticker right before me, and if only I would just exfoliate the wall in one, swift motion.

It was almost therapeutic to watch.

I didn’t board a cab, until this scene soothed my turbulent emotions for the night.

He was there, immersed in the serenity of the night, observing the interesting chore, too.

Shhh, he hushed.

Yes, silence is a form of communications too.

***

I lifted my vision and looked forward.

The stretch of road leading from the Coffee Club we were at, down past Somerset MRT, and all the way to Plaza Singapura, was inviting.

I wanted to take a walk.

‘You go ahead.‘ I told him.

‘I’ll take a walk first,‘ he replied.

Bah. He stole my answer.

That fuelled a walk that concluded at the Amex banner.

***

It was a conversationless walk.

Except for the joke that how bizarre it would be if someone spotted us outside Mandarin Hotel, where I stopped to take a piss.

Muahahaha.

We walked.

And walked.

Till I finished the stretch that ended at the traffic junction.

The one diagonally across Shaw’s Lido.

I turned back, and stared at the lonely stretch behind me.

Looking back into my past, I was.

Walk on, I said.

Tired, I told myself.

I am tired, I repeated incessantly to myself.

I sat on a bench right in front of the Amex banner, outside Burger King.

I am tired.

Tired.

Tired….

Tired…….

Tired……….

Exhausted.

Burnt out.

As my vision blurred.

***

What a night. Something not words could quite decipher, nor described.

It’s just ridiculously special to have friends like such.

(Her on the left, mine with the bigger rock on the right)

Yeah, we were having a threesome. Intellectually.

If we have, that is.