PEBBLES IN THE SECRET WELL

Yeap, I resoluted to start blogging some stuffs that are of more intimate thoughts some days ago, didn’t I?

Never did I expect how God had planned multiple twists and turns along the way, that brought lotsa warm and fuzzy feelings within.

Amazing.

It’s time.

For me to look into the deep well, where a huge part of me was hidden, sealed.

For every step of my life, I learnt a little, I gained a little, and I lost a little.

Maybe, I lost a lot.

I don’t know.

What ever that was broken in the journey, or what I thought was broken, I chucked them into this memory well that resided in the deepest realm of my heart.

Most isolated.

Perhaps the most loathesome compartment, too.

It was built, to sustain my sanity.

I thought I was strong. I think I am strong.

Not unlike a huge piece of giant rock, sturdy, and firm.

Much drama were staged for the past 24 years, chipping away a piece of me each time a script is fulfilled.

More consistent than I thought.

At the end of each saga, I picked up the pebbles that laid by the side of my feet. Pieces that fell off me, and were part of me.

They became painful reminders of how the edges of the rock were chiselled off, much against its wills.

The tormenting, agonising evolution.

I glanced back at my path, and saw the residues.

I doubled over, lifted them off the ground with trembling fingers.

I rested the pebbles onto my palms, and refused to acknowlege how brittle my elements are.

And then, there was this well.

My secret well. A place, where I seek solace.

There is no magic about the well, just like anything else in my life.

There were times I thought of taking the plunge, and drown myself in it.

But surprisingly, I didn’t.

I awe myself with how I managed to survive with that flickering will to stay alive.

One day, I don’t know when, I stood by the well. I loosen the grip of my fist.

My palm bleeding from the piercing nails that dug deep into my flesh, tainting the pebbles red.

I tilted my palm, and my gaze lingered on them split second more than I should allow it to be.

I traced their path as they slided off my bruised palm, into the abyss of a forsaken place.

I sealed the mouth of the well, believing that I am liberated from the past, and that I am once again, strong, and not brittle.

I sashayed away from the well, unscathed. Or so I believed.

The well that I despised.

Yet, the well that I constantly return to, to dispose pebbles of all sizes and shapes.

That’s when I would take a peep into the well, reflecting upon how the past had rubbed off a part of me bit by bit, disintegrating me as the journey progressed.

I would then turn my back, with a futile attempt to forget its existence.

Yet, its importance was brutally denied.

Until it crept, slowly, yet stealthily, and rested itself closest to my heart.

***

Sometimes, it is quaint how things would fall into place with such immaculate timing.

It is from people around us, that we saw the reflections of ourselves.

I had constant chills for the past week.

From the chat in the cab with Janice, to the wedding dinner of my old pal, and to the brief MSN chat with Mr KG, that inevitably stirred me again.

I realise how lazy I had been.

People quicken their paces to press on, to keep up with the changes.

Me?

I am lazy.

I strolled.

With my head constantly turning back to glance at the solitary well.

My pace slackened.

The horrors.

The past had since caught up with me, and I was too slow to keep up with the changes.

I denied the past. Stashing it away further from myself.

I pretended not to remember the well still exists, filled with countless pebbles that embodied the past experiences, and past emotions.

Until. I met them.

Sometimes, it is hardest to be around such people.

People who can read you, that make you feel naked, exposed, and insecure.

You saw the secret wells within them too.

Cos, it is from them, you see yourselves, and recognised that some things, had never gone away.

You saw the reflection of a tiny stone which is all that’s left of the rock.

It is sadistic, but I found myself looking forward to meeting these people.

Cos, perhaps, I am looking for answers, fervently.

Cos, perhaps, I slowly am untying the knots within with their help.

I am pretty taken aback from the chain of incidents these days.

Too fast, too much, too swift. For my mind to handle.

Too… eerie. Coincidences. Countless of them.

I wanna thank the people who had brought such impact upon me. You might not even be aware who you are, but yeah, I am blardy thankful.

(No, the smart asses out there who think they know me well, I DO NOT mean you guys, obviously)

I conceded.

Remember when we were kids, we used to enjoy joining up numerated black dots, and at the end of it, it would make out a picture?

We would realise how we had drawn a castle, an animal, or a vehicle?

As I linked the dots together these days, the picture became more and more apparent.

It has a shape. It is not just random dots on the paper.

Last night, I finally made out what the dots were pointing me towards.

It is a picture of a well, filled with pebbles.

***

I had contemplated for the longest time to confront them.

Perhaps from my words, I could finally sort out my thoughts.

To see myself from another perspective.

Perhaps I was lazy.

Perhaps I was in denial.

Perhaps, I just didn’t want to hurt some people with the truth.

Too much perhaps.

I guess, the only way to renounce them, is to slowly go through the pile of blood-stained pebbles.

I might have to relive that moments of hurt and pain, savour the sweetness that no longer belongs to me, but, I think it is only so I could derive a form of closure.

Liberation.

It might take months, or even years before I could muster enough courage to finally complete the exorcism.

But at least, I have to start from somewhere.

And I would.

*Breathe in*

I pretty much have an idea where to start.

Yet, I am not sure if tonight is the night.

Somehow, the coward in me is acting up.

I am feeling an inability to express myself well.

I find it almost impossible for me to churn up anything.

Even this post, is taking up too much effort. No flow.

I will try.

I will.

Have to.