THE PEBBLES WITH KG’S NAME

It’s a 7-lettered name.

Or Mr KG, which some of you are more familiar with.

***

The entrenched arm on my midriff ruffled, lightly.

Despite the thick duvet in between, the minute movements were registered, to his unawareness.

I lay there, motionless. Resignation.

My eyes, shut.

The glaring shade of darkness was a sign that daybreak had came.

A slight tinge of dejection swamped me.

The arm retracted as his weight was lifted off the bed, leaving a void right next to me, and within me.

My eyes, still shut.

Did you take a lingering look when you woke up right next to me?

I heard the stirs from the new pair of jeans, which I had clumsily spilled alcohol onto the night before.

I shifted my weight to my right. My head turned towards where he had previously rested, and buried itself into the pillow that still harboured his warmth.

Did I scare you for the brief moment when I tossed?

Eyes shut.

The coward in me kept up with the pretense, all the way.

So did he.

He fumbled for his handphone, which had shared the same bed with us.

When his final button was done up, it wasn’t long before the compression of the door’s handle broke the deafening silence.

With meticulous care. Not wanting to wake me.

The last fuss was heard from the door, before the room returned to its eerie silence.

The moment, he walked out of my life.

Or did he?

He relinquished, without a single goodbye.

Still, I daren’t pry the eyes open.

Reluctance to face the reality.

I indulged further in the pillow that bears the last traces of his touch, and the misery on my face became more apparent.

I lost. I stumbled.

Again.

Still him.

I curled up, fearful.

All that was left, were broken pieces of me. Bruised, and confused.

Stripped of my pride.

I know what you guys are thinking.

No, we didn’t.

***

That wasn’t the first time we woke up next to each other.

And all these wouldn’t have happened, if we didn’t for the very first time, that very night.

No, we didn’t, on that night, either.

***

I nestled my head on his chest, relishing each and every moment when he was close by my side, with his chin rested in the midst of my hair.

How cliche.

It was pure silence.

Without a word spoken.

All that was left, after the whirlwind of events spurred on by the impulsive passion.

(Passion comes in all sorts of definitions, and in this scenerio, sorry to disappoint most of you, intercourse wasn’t one of them)

I took comfort in the fact that the silence wasn’t stifling.

Our bodies entwined in forbidden intimacy, with mine embedded in his naked embrace.

It was halcyon.

I listened, intently.

An indulgence, which I could never afford.

Yet, I could find no hints to what was on his mind from the thumping close to my ears.

My grip that was wrung around his waist, tightened.

I inhaled deeply.

‘You seem afraid of me.’

‘Yes, I am.’

I loosened myself from his cuddle, lifted my weight off him, glanced up at his face.

His eyes remained close.

‘Why so?’

‘Cos you’re erratic.’

I frowned like a little girl.

It was an answer, that I had always been waiting for. I bit my lower lip.

‘How so?’

He mumbled a few irrelevant examples of how I was puking one moment, and had gastric pain the next, and not dwell into it.

He knew I don’t mean ‘erratic’ in that sense. And I knew very well he didn’t mean ‘erratic’ in that sense either.

I didn’t press on, despite much dissatisfactory from the patronising answer.

That’s him. As always.

I wish I could tell him.

I’m erratic. And you’re evasive.

And we both didn’t just mean that night alone.

I let it pass.

I hugged him a tad tighter.

Brief rays of daylight scintillated the room, illuminating the picture for us.

A more distinctive view.

Yet, fatigue was a good excuse. We blurred the picture mentally, and everything became hazy.

I took one last lingering look at the fine looking face, registering the bittersweet moment, and freeze-framed it into my memory.

The last, I saw of him, before he left, cruelly deprived me of decent goodbyes.

There, we fell asleep together, so closely.

Much closer than the first time we fell asleep right next to each other.

***

Is it by pure coincidence that ‘Goodbye girl‘ is playing on my MP3 as I came to this part?

Very funny.

All your life you’ve waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it’s hard believin’ the words you’ve heard before
But darlin’ you must trust them just once more… ’cause baby
Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
we’ll never be together again
If you wake up and I’m not there, I won’t be long away
‘Cause the things you do my Goodbye Girl
Will bring me back toyou.

I know you’ve been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin’ in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin’ you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me
…so remember

Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
we’ll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my Goodbye Girl
‘Cause now you’re home at last.

***

I remember, the slight snores which filled the silence. They awoke me briefly. I tilted my head up and saw the boy I once knew.

Such innocence.

Music to my ears.

I felt a dose of bliss rushing through me.

I collected them into my memories, tucked my head deeper into his embrace, slept.

It didn’t take more the 5 seconds.

***

It was drizzling when he walked out of my life, I think.

I hear the tiny droplets out there.

The sky was grey. It definitely was. Not a figment of my imagination.

I did not have the courage to run to the windows to witness him walking out of the lobby.

I simply did not.

When was the last time it rained?

It didn’t, for a long while, until that very morning.

I could have seen him strolling out into the drizzle, with a body of guilt and the view of his back diminishing.

But, I was too much a coward to do so.

I didn’t want to know if he had turned back for a lingering glance, or not.

***

TO BE CONTINUED…