I am drained from the constant trips to the loo, and I still feel too fat for my clothes.

No, I am not being paranoid, but I really do have a problem squeezing into some of my old clothes.

This is bad.

I spent my day staring into the mirror, with utmost disgust of what I see staring back at me.

The arms have to go.

The boobs have to grow.

The waist has to trim.

The thighs gotta slim.

And suddenly, the guilt of eating overwhelmed me and I felt the need to puke.

But no.

I had to dash to the washroom cos I was having the runs again.

But, I still feel no improvement.

I still feel fat.

A kind lady offered me her Extrim X, and though apprehensive at first, I feel like jumping at the chance right now.

Can I possibly slim down over the next few days, in the next week?

I must.

Spent my day chatting to a few friends on MSN.

One of which, whom I can totally empathise with. I sent her a picture, which I would be posting up in the next post.

She felt it, I think.

One of which, whom I still can’t fathom, yet do care for. I believe it works both way. I am at the other end of the spectrum that he could not possibly ever understand.

One of which, whom I dearly adore, though we may not seem that close afterall. The little princess who always stubbornly not want to show her soft side, and I almost feel painful for her.

One of which, who is incredibly nice, a friend faraway, and am looking forward to our next meeting in the region, soon. How thrilled.

My emotions were tugged from one extreme, to the other.

I feel extremely tired, and somewhat weak.

SBB called and somewhat triggered the thoughts within.

We paused for a few seconds, and let the thoughts ran for moment.

He called again later in the evening, for a mere minute(*cough*), just to say ‘hello’.

In his words ‘Hello Sweetie! I just called to say ‘hello’ and I gotta go soon.‘

Duh.

So lame.

But still, so sweet. -Muack- Sweetie.

(Must use muacks, cos the other day I sent -hug- and he protested, ‘why hug only?‘)

*Shudders* *cringe* *shivers*

Stop cringing, you mortals.

Won’t be heading out for the evening.

But, I might have some company over in the form of Denise, her beau and some friend of hers for a game of Mahjong.

I will leave the job of ‘washing’ the tiles to them, whilst I will just win the game and collect lotsa money.

My hands are too weak to be moving.

Okay.

Next post will be up around midnight.

By then, will update how the game went.

Pictures, too.

Very cool.

Came home to see that familiar nick on my MSN list.

A pal whom I got acquainted with, through the most bizarre way ever possible, and we had met up to catch up for once, some months ago, with his friends.

This blog had to take some credit for that.

It had been quite a while since we last conversed, and I decided to send my regards and well-wishes to him cos I am aware of the hectic schedules he had these days.

I happened to know that it had been fulfilling and extremely exciting phase for him, since he had been awfully busy with what he loves doing in China, and as he took a few days’ break, he would be flying off again later today.

Praise the Lord! He had assured that everything had went on brilliantly with God’s grace, and the placement of his faith, lifted me, as well.

Asked when will Singapore be on his agenda, and he replied late November.

Cool.

Well, am really tempted to lend support for his work then.

Take care friend, and gee, you really have been at the peak of your form these days, judging by the glamourous pictures I came across.

Meanwhile, I am sure He will guide you along, and I will keep you prayers that everything will go on fantabulously well and smooth for you.

Till then, see ya.

Ha.

And now, it’s time for me to save up.

I was filled with so much angst that tonight must be the night that I had the most amount of pent-up frustration, and silent curses, EVER.

That could potentially jam up my arteries and induce a heart seizure.

Argh.

I wonder why do I have such a limited vulgar vocabulary in my dictionary.

The same swear words just repeat themselves over and over again just because I couldn’t think of anything else.

How boring.

Ah well. After putting some of the darling girlies through my rants, and whining like a child to SBB for the past hour(sheesh. He just had to laugh at the way I string the swear words together), the headache did cease a little(but it’s still lingering) and the fury had gone down to a nought.

They say to cure a headache, is humping.

I would verify that it works very well, but my -cough- abstinence means that the remedy is not available to me.

Anyway, I am all perked up now(well, you would if someone showers you with THAT much amount of lame jokes) and feeling better after a few hours of difficulty in breathing caused by the agony of angst.

That makes me wonder if I have enough angst to blog the gist of it or not.

Actually.

I suddenly don’t feel like lamenting about it anymore.

The gist of it.

My mum.

I would have spent quite a pleasant day in Malaysia, without meeting any dishonest or rude Malaysians, until the lady at home had to screw things up.

The tirade of comments that she made, that had probably made up 100% of the conversations she held with me, besides the usual naggings of ‘When you head out, must close the windows..’ were:

#1 - I was trying to make a quiet entrance to the house since she would probably be asleep.

Thank God, she was.

Alas, she heard I was back, and was eager to see me.

Darn, I thought.

I tried to face the television, and back-faced her, so she would not have the chance to scrutinise my features to make any comments.

I draped my fringe to the sides of my face, dipped my head, to make sure it would be hard for her to see.

She stood there, made some silly small talks.

She stopped talking.

She just stood there, and paused for a few seconds, before saying in that annoying tone of hers.

‘What happened huh? Why you so fair ah?‘

I grunted a sigh of frustration and barked, ‘Can you stop asking me such stupid questions?’ before she finally halted and scurried into her room.

#2 - Over lunch, she was sitting at the same table.

I dipped my head as usual and didn’t want to make any eye contact with her.

‘You did your hair huh?‘

Sensing it as an okay question, I tried to gave a mellowed tone and replied a ‘yuh’.

‘Not nice hor? Very ugly right? Expensive or not? The curls grew longer so not nice already.‘

I shot her a glare before she shut her trap.

#3 - Still lunch. ‘You fat already hor? Got a bit right?‘

Trying to exercise a tad of self-control, I casually, patiently replied, ‘Don’t have what. I lost a bit compared to the past few months.’

#4 - Was heading out to do some shopping, and she walked me out to the main road to hail a cab.

She needed to get some stuffs from the carpark, and thus we strolled to the carpark together.

‘Do you do sports these days?‘

Busking in the delight of my recent achievement, I cheerily answered positively.

‘When? What did you do? Still doing them consistently?‘

‘Just couple of days ago. Jogging.’

‘Like not much help huh..‘

F… Fine.

I rolled my eyes. Gave her an icy stare.

I think I achieved darn lot by NOT asking her to shut up. In her face.

#5 - She immediately changed topic.

After fixing her eyes on me, scanning for yet another few seconds.

‘Why didn’t you put on a little bit of makeup?‘

I so saw that coming. Something with reference to the hideous face just had to spring up from nowhere.

Cover the traces left by the rashes and spots right?!

Cos I am too ugly to be on the road right?!

Do I embarrass you THAT much?!

And who the hell do I have to impress in Malaysia?

Tiny tidbit: When I jogged to Holland Village on Tuesday, VampTreSS ‘warned’ me that Mrbrown, Miyagi and James Seng were somewhere around.

I chirped that I would pop over to say hi, which caused VampTreSS to stare at me with a brief moment of disbelief.

‘You don’t mind? Without your makeup and all….?’

‘It’s okay,’ I grinned with a tad of self-assurance, coming to terms with myself.

She has always been aware of my self-consciousness, and found it amazing that I had overcame it.

Now, someone just has to spoil it, again.

#6 - Holding back the frustration, I was praying that she would just stop before I go insane.

Right at this moment, I suddenly had a very warped scenerio flashing through my mind.

Sometimes I am awe by how only she, could make me feel that I am at the brink of my sanity.

Only she.

I suddenly thought that how sweet and cool it would be that one day she would drive me over the edge, and this is what I would do.

I would look at her, coolly, as she rattled off such critiques and senseless questions, and I would gave her a smirk, or a peaceful smile.

Then, I would whip out a lighter, while still having my eyes fix on her, looking relaxed.

I would then twirl a bunch of my hair by my finger… tilt my head slightly, look back at her, amused.

Flick the lighter, and I shall set my hair ablaze.

As the amber slowly eats the life out of my head, I would then flip out my butterfly knife, with my smile intact.

Gradually, bent forward, and start off with my calf, sliding up my thigh.

Slash, slash, slash.

Sharply, swiftly, sensually.

The hips.

Nonchalantly, emotionlessly, coldly.

Work my way up the waist.

Happily, gleefully, gladly.

Then, the arms.

Brutally, deeply, and violently.

Without a hint of mercy.

For the finale.

I shall slash her daughter’s face beyond recognition, all bloodied and minced.

I hope that would make her daughter slimmer, and prettier.

I hope that hurts, too.

‘So do you have boyfriend now?‘

I shot her another stare.

And finally gave her an exasperated ‘ARGHHHHHHH’

Why? If I say ‘no’, would it give you the perfect chance to say ‘No wonder’?

I finally bade her goodbye, and heaved a sigh of relief as I board the cab.

The cab driver spoke good English and was incredibly sweet.

He didn’t charge me extra and even gave me his number in case I need to call for a cab in the future, so that I wouldn’t have to walk out of the apartment, and he would wait for me at the lobby.

He used to be in the Malaysia army, and made my trip such a pleasant one.

Walked around the mall, and got myself a couple of stuffs.

Not accessories nor clothes. How sad.

Fell for a MNG shirt, but deemed it impractical cos I am not of working class, and it would be rather redundant.

But I really like it.

I fell for a MNG bag too.

Velvetish. Not very pricey either.

But I curbed the urge well.

I fell for another MNG bag.

Which would hold lotsa stuffs, especially if I need a sleek, roomful carrier.

Ah.

This is not a good sign.

Met a very nice lady, who was evangelising in the mall, inviting me to a Christian gathering in Malaysia this Saturday.

Had a pleasant and nice chat with her, but had to cruelly reject her invitation since I wouldn’t be around anyway.

Popped by the internet cafe, before making my way home.

Dad sent me out of Malaysia, and as we packed, I thought I shall be nice and knocked on her door to tell her gently and nicely that I would be leaving.

She had packed some food for me so that I wouldn’t go hungry.

Everything was nice and harmonious until…

#7 - When she started nagging how I should go off fattening food and blarblarblar.

I tried diverting the topic and asked her about the vitamins she had been eating.

She asked and I replied I am taking Vitamin C tablets.

As she was passing me some Vitamin E tablets, she suddenly commented, ‘You so fat, shouldn’t be taking anymore vitamins.‘

…………………….

*UTTER HORROR*

I kept my cool and shot her another piercing stare.

She didn’t get it and continued on, ‘Look at your arms. So big and gigantic.‘

I finally couldn’t hold it any longer and ranted, ‘Do you always have to say all these stupid things when I am around? No wonder I hate coming back here to see you. You know what? I shall not come back here anymore.’

I stormed out of the kitchen, slammed the bottle of vitamin E into my bag, and headed out of the house. I could hear her chuckle, albeit uneasily, with an annoying, ‘Wah… so fierce.‘

And, that, concluded my first meeting with her, in 3-4 months.

And perhaps, I shall see her only next year.

Chinese New Year’s eve dinner or something.

I am cool.

I really am.

***

I walk like someone who has too much sex a penguin today.

I thought without feeling the muscle ache yesterday would mean that I am spared from it totally.

But I woke up feeling the strain on the shin, the inner thighs and the butt today.

I walked around with my mind muttering silent ‘ouch’es throughout the day as I strutted around the mall, finding the ache annoying yet enjoying it at the same time.

***

Spent the day yesterday meeting up with my ex-colleagues from Mingwei’s agency.

Many new faces that I failed to recognise.

I bought yet another new book.

I stole some food from Mingwei’s dinner.

And as usual, the greeting question was, ‘Who is SBB? Show me his picture!’

Duh.

***

Rushed home to meet up with Cat, who spilled the good news that she is a month’s gone.

Awwwwwwwwww…. *squeals in delight*

Congrats darling!

I am oh-so excited!

And I felt overwhelmed with guilt that I made her wait for me at the lobby whilst I rushed back from my meeting with Mingwei and Co.

Cat’s friend arrived shortly and the 3 of us spent a great deal of time discussing the details of her wedding dinner coming end of month, since I would be doing what I dread most — on stage, as an emcee.

I was getting some drinks for them when she came into the kitchen, and started to ask something, ‘I want to ask you…. eh, I forgot what I wanna ask.’

I sensed what it was and almost completed the sentence for her, ‘SBB related?’

Before I could spit that out, she launched, ‘Oh! I wanna ask you about SBB!’

Tsk.

Why nobody asks me about Janice, FF, Vamptress, Jane Doe, Raf or other people I met up with huh?

The rehearsal erupted into a drama display of Kenneth’s(her ex-classmate) and my talents.

It was almost like some drama skit, and we even recited the KFC and McDonald’s menu with such zest, emotions and passion.

The pregnant lady laughed too hard from our brilliant display of wits, poise and drama that her tummy ached.

She will definitely have a happy baby. *beams*

Whee! I can’t wait.

***

I have an evil thought.

I am thinking that I should either go foodless for the next one week, or that I should just induce-vomit after every meal for the next one week.

Just to spite the old lady at home.

Maybe then, would she be appeased.

But no, I love my food too much to give it up.

SBB’s response?

Hmm, lose 5 kg and you would be okay. Don’t do it for a week. 5 days would suffice.

So encouraging.

Muahahaha.

Okay. This post is a tad too warped.

Please do not take the grosteque details too seriously, cos they were never meant to be.

Peace.

***

Having bad tummy and feeling extremely pukish.

This is no good.

No good.

Argh.