Enthusiasm. None.

Program. None.

Cramps? They never returned since the email.

Reluctance to stay home. Aplenty.

Cocco Latte, it shall be.

Booze. Minimal amount. Sips of beer, one big sip of whiskey.

Enough for me to feel light-headed, lose my footings, flushed and sleepy. It takes almost nothing to knock me out.

At least, I don’t feel that heavy weight, dragging me down.

Fags. Made up 2 sticks, at least.

Enough for me to feel light-headed, with the sandy texture irritating my throat.

At least, I could kick-start my respiratory system, and start breathing, again.

Music. Booming, R & B.

Enough for my pounding head to drum to the beats.

At least, it wasn’t the quietness I didn’t want myself to be in.

Dance. Clumsy footings with unsightly bulging tummy.

Enough to cause that thigh muscle to cramp, halfway. Repulsive sight to those around.

At least, I tried to exhaust myself so that the physical fatigue would outweigh the mental one.

Entertainment. What entertainment?

My mind wasn’t there.

Friends. Not much. Perhaps only 2 or 3 of those whom I had really wanted to see.

(Yeah, sod the tummy. And yeah, I know it wasn’t a Deepavali event, but Halloween, but I am too broke to be pumping in money to dress up)

Enough for me to want to be there.

At least, my sanity would be sustained with them around. Somewhat.

Inadequacies. Aplenty.

Enough for me to want to leave before lights came on.

At least, I survived through the night.

Tears. Quite a bit. I did want to tame them. I couldn’t fight them. In the dark, they just…. ran wild.

Enough for a couple to realise I was unwell if they stared hard enough.

At least, I kept a smile on my face throughout. Or at least, a straight face, except for the smudged eye makeup and the glittery tears, which betrayed my emotions.

Supper. Not much appetite. I just needed a drink to quench the thirst.

Enough to make my tummy bulge out. No midriffs in the future, mental note to self. Enough to feel guilt.

Enough to daunt the ego, after bumping into SBB’s friend there. His jibes are always swift and precise. But, seriously, I know he meant no harm, and actually made me laugh.

At least, banana and cheese prata perked me up. At least, my Bollywood lover stroke my ego by yearning for my attention.

Erm, a tad too much.

At least, VampTreSS and Jeff were concerned. They even told SBB’s friend to save the jibes till another day. Any day, but today. It wouldn’t make any difference, really.

Money. Dwindling. Running out.

Enough to declare myself a bankrupt.

50 for lunch. 20 for cab fare this noon(cramps). 25 for cab fare this evening. 15 for entrance.

At least, SOME of the above are well-spent.

Cuts. 6.

Enough. Or maybe not.

At least, they made me feel alive, again.

Whee.

Now?

Thunders. Roaring. Increasing. Frequencies and volume.

Enough to make me shiver.

At least…

They make me realise, I still… feel.

Do I?

So cool.

Guess which song is on my MP3 right now? Randomly.

Matchbox Twenty - Unwell
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

Exactly.

Happy birthday, to a dear friend, who is my dearest friend ever.

Though I am not near you, you know that you will always be on my mind.

8 years. That’s how far we gotten.

I miss you, really.

I had wanted to blog, very, very much.

About inadequacies.

But my biological system is screwing my body so much that I could do nothing much but roll around and writhe in my bed, in much pain.

I found 2 other ways to relieve myself of the bloody cramp, after not able to find ANY painkillers in the house.

It is one of the worst cramps I had in a long, long, long while.

It wasn’t painful, but it seemed to touch some nerves that made my body go weak. Nauseating too.

So bad that, when I was out today, I nearly fainted in Kinokuniya, until I composed myself, and held on to one of the shelves. Breathe, I told myself. And I did.

Finally, my vision gradually restored itself.

So bad that, when I was on the phone with VampTreSS, I was almost moaning into the phone.

It would have been sexy, but then I was in pain, so no, it wasn’t.

I finally conceded that I might not survive without painkillers, and tried to dig around the house for my potential savior.

Drawers, cabinets, my room, no signs.

Kitchen, hall, table, no either.

So, when I was in the hall, the world spinned again.

The pain became sharp and excruciating.

I doubled over and couldn’t walk, whilst VampTreSS was still on hold on the phone in my room.

I made her wait for another 10 minutes before I finally felt the pain go away, and staggered into the room, collapsed onto the bed and told her I was still alive.

That bad.

Shortly after, I ended the call with her.

I finally found the real savior for the day.

The heat pack from OSIM Cat gave to me on my birthday this year.

I had been reluctant to use it cos it looks too pretty in its packaging and I have something about preserving my gifts.

I finally whipped it out of its packaging, clicked the metal piece in it, and it harden instantaneously!

I thought I would have to open the packaging of the waist pouch Cat and Ben got for me, but the heat pack got a tad too hot to handle, and I used it too.

It soothed a little, but it didn’t get better.

Until….

2 things happened. Good news, AND bad news.

Good news.

SBB called.

Aww, and you thought I am going to say something sweet.

Actually, er, I wanted to say how I was rattling to him how I had seen 3 items when I was in town yesterday and today, and how much I wanted to buy them.

Thinking of the 3 items, suddenly, relieved myself of the pain, temporarily.

SBB then told me to take a nap or something, so at least I could sleep the pain away, and feel better when I wakie.

A dose of sugar. Not too bad for the system.

Right after he hung up the call, the thing that really did the trick for the menstrual cramp to go away came in.

Coen emailed me.

A short one.

And you wonder why it is so amazing eh?

That, is the bad news.

I dropped a tear. Just a single drop. Because, I feel judged. Judged by someone whom I thought is nice.

Hurhurhur. *Sardonic laughs*

But well, I am feeling better now, ain’t I?

This week, has been an emotional roller coaster.

I feel too much inadequacies.

A phone call with VampTreSS a while ago, prompted this conclusion from her;

‘Darling, you are spiralling down again. You are falling back into depression.’

Yes, I am.

And I suspect, it is not even hormonal-induced.

I broke down and I sobbed over the phone. For a little while. The longest I allowed myself to indulge in.

‘Sorry that I am not there to give you what you need right now.‘

‘Sex?‘ I mumbled between tears.

We burst into laughters and I stopped those pearlies.

I joked how I should attend tonight’s event at Coco Latte, and I would bring a blade, slash my wrist before the door bitch, so she would let me in without any dressing up required.

Hurhurhur. *Twisted laughs*

I will bounce back.

Take my words.

Give me a year to 2 years.

I will be a stronger, and much more successful person YOU, yes you people out there who see me as nothing but a useless slut, ever think I could be.

*Bows*

*Smirk*

If I haven’t killed myself by then, that is.

Hurhurhurhur.

As usual, I will make good use of a weekend night to stay up for an entry.

I have given up planning for what to write in my entry, cos my thoughts are of the tiniest fragments and I just can’t seem to put them together into something concrete.

Cluttered, unsorted, littered, bits and pieces which I have no idea how to categorise them into proper segments.

Did I mention how I love the last quarter of the year? November and December are my favourite months, and the early, chilling thunderstorms had added October 2005 into my favourite list, as well.

My fear, sometimes, brings me my favourite moments.

***

I spent most of my Friday drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was amused when 4 people asked if I ever sleep when I was still online at 2am.

It’s Friday, darlings! Though a weekday or the weekend would make no difference to me.

If only they knew.

If only they knew how my Friday had been.

It’s strange sometimes how I can cope with my last minuteness.

My social visit pass would expired on the 28th, and since my medical report was out only on the 27th, it gave me just enough time to collect it before I overstay in Singapore without a valid pass.

A 3 hours plus kinkyinteresting phone call with SBB had lustedlasted till 7 plus early Friday morning(tsk tsk tsk!), with the faint morning rays reminding us of our overindulgence.

I had to collect my pass by noon, or else I would take up the status of an illegal immigrant.

I had barely an hour of sleep before Dad called to wake me up, and informed me that he was on his way back to pick me up.

In my daze, I gathered all the necessary documents and stuffs, and left home with barely a sober cell in me.

By 9.45am, we were there at Ministry of Manpower, and the efficiency was a drastic change from the time when the department was still under ICA.

By 9.51am, I submitted my in-principle approval letter and medical report, and it was done.Gone were the days I exhausted 2 hours of wait just to submit my documents.

‘Come back anytime after 1pm,‘ I was told.

If I am still conscious, I thought to myself.

Had breakfast with dad, before he dropped me home slightly before 11am.

Over the meal, dad told me how his friend had called to ask him about his heart attack episode. The topic was then brought on to that very day that nearly costed him his life.

The day when the man who used to carry me, fight with me, piggyback me, go on roller coaster rides with me, and always a picture of strength, left my life for good.

He was my hero, the strongest man I ever knew when he was younger.

A mellowed man took his place since that day, and he became a fragile picture I distanced myself from, for the fear of breaking him.

I managed to stay awake till slightly past noon, before I slipped into an absolute state of comatose.

6.15pm. I sat up from my slumber. Tried to stay up, but an hour and a chapter of my book later, my fatigue got the better of me, and I was tucked deep under my duvets again.

I didn’t wake up until slightly past midnight.

So, in all. 1 + 6 + 5 = 12 hours.

Who says I don’t sleep?

Blog. Blog-reading. Reading. Emailing. Watching Discovery channel. Photo-editing. Video-editing. Brief MSN chatting.

Oh, the time is now 6.10am.

Bye Friday, hello Saturday.

Gee.

***

FEELIN’ THE DREAD - Tuesday, 25th October

It was 5pm when I finally woke up.

No good. No good.

I had a chat with a friend, someone who always seems so fragile to me.

She told me how someone, a friend, had ripped her graphics, and hadn’t asked her permission for it.

In retaliation, she blogged that the friend should have the basic courtesy to give her the credits, and at least, informed her. She wouldn’t even mind sending her if she asked for it.

The friend, got defensive, and then attacked her by writing a spiteful entry, accusing my friend of thinking too highly of herself and even went to the extend of saying how she despises people who go for plastic surgery to make themselves prettier.

My friend, had went for a corrective surgery to improve a condition, which ended up changing her looks drastically cos the condition was more severe than normal cases.

But since her looks has too great a change, everyone had been gossiping and talking about her radical change in outlooks.

To me, she has been a gem, and is pretty in her own rights with her graceful and demure nature when I had known her.

What she lacks, is a solid dose of confidence, which is the reason why she had shunned away from people.

Guarded, she is. But that doesn’t mean she is just being stuck up.

She is a sweetheart. Though I had never met her in person, she had dropped by my workplace in March, to leave a package with my colleagues, cos she knew it was my birthday.

To be frank, I had done the same corrective surgery, like a dozen of my other friends had(some had their problems detected early, and done it when they were in their teens). Just that my problem was a minor one, the shiftings of my teeth was a compromise, and my looks didn’t have much changes like hers, or my cell group mate’s.

Nothing was injected, no silicon was thrown in, nothing was built out of nothing, but just a surgery to fix the jaw in the place it should be.

So I don’t see the name-callings just, simply because someone exposed her of ripping something that didn’t belong to her.

She corrected something that should rightfully belong to her, just that it affected her looks, but what about you?

You stole something that didn’t belong to you, and when people praised you, you didn’t credit her, at all.

You had tried to be close to her, wanting her to be your close friend, falling for pink cos she likes it, and adoring everything that she had fancied. You almost seem like you are eager to take her form.

But when confronted, you turned evil and was sour, and put her down when you know it is where it would hurt most with her dwindling self-confidence.

Why?

Friendship is such a quaint thing, isn’t it?

I went to help out again on Tuesday night, and making my way home alone, was a tiring chore.

I would be within a bunch of teens, who would knock off together with their own pals, and I would stroll along the lonely streets by myself, hardly belonging.

Seriously, that feeling sucks.

Big time.

I can’t describe how glad it was when I finally could flip open my book, standing against the glass panel on the train, getting my mind off into a realm of fiction, without a care for the reality.

11pm, it already was. I heaved a heavy sigh of relief.

And yes, Happy er, 20-something-th birthday, to a beloved gem.

***

LOSIN’ HER VIRGINITY - Wednesday 26th October 2005

I spent most of the night before doing some video editing, but the basket program gave up on me and I was unable to open any of the files on Wednesday.

Demoralised, and greatly disturbed.

Anyway.

A friend, who wants to remain anonymous. Friend J, we shall call her.

Friend J had needed my help with her studies, and overestimating my own abilities, I agreed readily.

I pity her bad choice of teacher. The last time I was in touch with the subject, was 8 freaking years ago.

I spent most of the time trying to refresh my memory, then, figured out the solutions, before I could pass on to her what I had picked up again in that few minutes. The whole session dragged for hours.

It became quite a stressful event for both of us as we hit dead-ends consistently.

I thought I loved Mathematics. I am not so sure anymore.

I hated Physics and English the most in the past. And I am not so sure anymore, too.

It was then when Friend J told me about her new relationship with a much-older man, for almost 3 months.

Somehow, with my sharp sense of intuition, I asked an awkward question, matter-of-factly out of nowhere.

‘Eh, rememeber that time you told me you are still virgin right? So how? What’s the status now?‘

She was rather taken aback with my sudden question, and unexpected, she admitted sheepishly that she had JUST lost her, er, virginity.

*Gasp*

What a timely question. I awe myself with my acute timing.

The stifling evening took a turn.

I thought I was supposed to educate her on Mathematics, but I didn’t expect to be coaching her on sex instead.

She called Janice, and asked if she wanted to join us at my place instead.

Coincidentally, Janice was nearby in Bukit Gombak, and was gamed when I joked we are having a ‘celebration’ for, er, J’s new status.

We ordered McDonald’s for our girls’ night in, and we started updating each other about the newest developments in our lives, and the 2 of them then climbed into my cosy bed, and tucked themselves comfortably under the duvet, as I sat at the foot of the bed, having one of the most hilarious girls’ talks of my life.

In a way, we were still tutoring her. Really.

She was really funny when she shared the encounters of her first time, and she were asking questions, whereas Janice was trying to get me in bed with her.

Questions like: Can I ask a question, don’t laugh at me okay? What is spooning? How do you move when on top? How do you know you are blowing a guy right? How is anal sex like? How to achieve orgasm? How does orgasm feel like?

I feared for my safety with Janice around, cos she looked like she was going to jump me anytime.

And I was supposed to blog an entry on Thursday to ‘declare’ my status to the both of them.

Yes darlings, I am still a virgin. For now. Phew. (private joke)

There was a classic moment when they mentioned something about my bedsheets, and I jokingly replied something that it would be for their own good if they don’t know much, or else they would be scrambling off my bed in less than a millisecond.

They frozed for a moment.

And Janiceone of them suddenly started rolling around my bed and exclaimed, ‘Aye, who cares, yay, I am rolling in SBB’s essence.‘

I widened my eyes in disbelief and Friend Jthe other one was so traumatised that she buried her face into my pillow in shock.

Friend J then suddenly halted the moment and asked, ‘How do girls go on top? I mean, how do you move huh?’

I rolled my eyes and gave an exasperated look, whilst Janice almost gave a ‘tsk!’ with the same look of ‘duh’.

It was almost instantaneous when I saw Janice moved and sat up, whilst I got to my knees at the exact same moment.

I looked at Janice and we both burst into fits of giggles, throwing a hi-five knowing what was going on in our minds.

We had both wanted to do a demostration. And it was more funny than crude, seriously.

Friend J walked away a very knowledgeable lady, though we still couldn’t answer her on how-to-achieve-orgasms.

I can’t describe to her how an orgasm is like in plain terms either.

Seriously, Janice and I don’t have any practical knowledge on sex. We just told her whatever we had read from magazines and internet.

Really.

Really.

Honestly.

*Cough*

Another moment of great-minds-think-alike, was when Janice suddenly threw a look at me, and I knew exactly what she was going to ask next.

Before she could, I gave her an assertive ‘Are you crazy? No!‘.

When Janice had shared with Friend J the juicy piece of information, the 2 of them coerced me into showing them….. something I had wanted to write about.

Okay fine.

Erm.

My dildo. And bullet-vibrator(it sucks, and doesn’t work).

No, I didn’t get them for myself. Gifts. Some sort of a surprise.

And the giver had wanted me to blog about them, and I just haven’t got the courage time to do so.

Next post, alright?

Anyway. The wanted to see it.

I shall not mention the surprise came with a tube of KY.

So I threw the tube at them, for them to pore over, and I whipped out my 6-and-half inches dildo(sounds so.. wrong), and the 3 of us examined it carefully.

They didn’t touch it, of course. Muahahaha.

We were all bewildered, since we never quite know what dildo and bullet-vibrator are like/for.

It was so odd when we started comparing the size of it(since it is modelled and shaped like a real thing) to the men in our lives.

Past or present. Whatever.

And I started to wonder if I had been grossly short(*cough*)-changed in the past(see SBB, I AM nice, for once), or something.

Girls’ nights are fun. I never had such good laughs for a long while.

Friend J was incredibly funny when she said, ‘Eh, stop saying all these things already, wait we have to borrow your dildo.’

*Gasp in utter horror*

‘Go ahead, I don’t think I need it tonight. Meeting SBB later.’ ‘Why the hell did I allow you mad women into my home today?’

They finally left just before midnight, before I launched into my homely mode, and cleared the house of its mess.

SBB dropped by after they left, and we fell asleep around 4am.

It had been a long while since I slept that early.

THAT COLD, COLD NIGHT — THURSDAY, 27th October 2005

Perhaps my body wasn’t quite well-adjusted to the time-change, and I was awoken a few times, mostly due to the soft grunts in his sleep.

It was 11 plus when I finally woke up, and couldn’t go back to sleep, however tired I was.

I ended up disturbing him in his sleep, and he finally relented and woke up at 2 plus.

We dragged the time before we finally got out of bed at 3 plus, heading down to Orchard.

As we made our way out, my phone beeped.

Coen. Since we were on our way, it was quite impossible for me to answer the call.

Went to Lido for lunch, before he sent me to SGH to collect my medical report at late 4, and he parted to run his errands.

I collected my X-ray, and it was when I was there in the hospital, talking to a nurse, when Coen’s number flashed on my screen again.

I didn’t answer again. Oops.

Suddenly, I am tired, and don’t feel like blogging anymore.

I will be too tired to put my eventful Thursday into words. It was a beautiful Thursday.

I shall go and have some sleep before I join Wenmei and the other babes for KTV session later at 2pm.

So tonight, I shall confine myself at home to finish up my recaps for Thursday, with pictures thrown in.

And today’s KTV session too.

Sounds good?

Definitely so, to me. At least wouldn’t bore people out there with the half-heartedness.

Ciao.

I stepped from the litted corridor into the dark, soul-less house.

Damp, drained and tired.

I unbuttoned my jeans, and collapsed onto the floor, exhausted.

What a long night, it had been.

I sat there, unmoved.

Cold, and battered.

It was dark, and lonesome.

***

It was cold, so cold.

There, in the dark corner, 3 of them sat.

She stared at the litted end of the stick, the flickers mocked her.

She turned to the one next to her, and asked for a drag.

He passed it over, and she inhaled, deeply.

Again, and again.

Until she finished it.

Then, she breathed.

It was dark. The only light she saw, was that from the source of the dancing smoke.

So near, yet so far.

***

It was yet, another frightening evening.

The thunders taunted, like they always did.

She jumped, unsettled.

Nerves.

She was out there, in the wild. In the open, yet sheltered.

Yet, it was a quaint sense of fear.

Sheltered, yet felt she was exposed in the open.

It was dark. Out in the open.

Wham. Bam.

The only thing that litted her night, was bringing her fear.

She was alone. In that world of hers.

***

She was cold.

Shivering.

Her palms were icy.

Her feet were wet.

The sharp tickles from the falling raindrops caressed her skin.

She skipped and twirled in the drizzle, humming to the familiar tune of the chirpy song about singing in the rain.

Her pace was unstable, as of her normal clumsy self, and the floor, glazed by pool of puddles, were not making things any easily.

She sang. She skipped. She jumped. She laughed.

It was at the dark alley.

Her face was glittering as she joined the others at the table.

In the darkness, the raindrops decorated her face with sparks and shine, with the help of the dwindling night lights.

***

She sat there, not wanting to move.

Struggled to go through with the showers.

She typed, to him. The man who was once a distant strange. The man who had heard her stories, hearing the neverending tragedy, again.

A fraction of her life.

He ceased to respond. She left the room.

She was cold. Very cold.

With her freshly rinsed her, she sat down, and blasted the hair dryer, in the unlitted hall.

She didn’t bother to on the lights.

The warmth from a gadget, was the only thing that warm her tonight.

Why did she still feel so cold?

In the darkness, she broke down.

Defeated by fatigue.

Tears ran free as she buried her tear-stained face into her icy palms, looking for the last traces of solace.

In the darkness, there was warmth.

No lights.

She still feels cold.

Freezing cold.

The hairdryer howled forcefully.

The only thing that broke the silence of the dark, chilly night.

***

The shrill from the house phone disturbed the darkness.

The room wasn’t litted either.

Her warm mane draped over her shoulders, as she picked up the receiver.

His voice.

How glad. Soothing.

The litted monitor shone.

She couldn’t muster a single word.

Her voice quivering.

It must have been too cold.

Couldn’t be. The air-condition wasn’t switched on, was it?

It was her.

And her cold, cold heart.

The only sparkle in the dark room, was from the last teardrop, still hanging stubbornly, borrowing the monitor’s life for its splendor.

Today had been a rather tedious day.

I didn’t manage to fall asleep till 8am, and by the time I greeted Monday, it was already 4pm.

The sky was overcasted and threatened to pour its bladderful of rain down.

I had to get out of the house at 5 plus, to get to Tanjong Pagar at 6pm.

My Sunday was a mundane one. I stayed home. Watched the lads got into some serious action on the track, and just… read.

I have no idea how my time passed either.

I helped out a friend from 6pm to 10pm today, and I felt pretty miserable about the entire thing.

Problem is, I didn’t know how to say ‘No‘, since it was pretty much true when she brought up the fact that I am pretty much unengaged, and it would be good to pass time.

I realised one very important thing.

You get immensely dissatisfied with your predicament when you are trapped in a situation that shows you how money is never a factor for passion.

It just makes you even more loserish about yourself, that you are doing something you detest lots just because it is an obligation, and you just want to do something to make yourself look useful.

Seriously, to be surrounded by teenagers and to help out for mere 3 hours made me feel more handicapped than before.

I would rather help out VampTreSS as her assistant, free-of-charge and learn the ropes of trade anytime.

But it is also then, did I realise, I would rather do anything else in the world, other than telemarketing.

Oh, did I mention I have a fear for picking up the phone to make a call?

And yes, I have yet to overcome it yet.

Why?

Fear of rejection.

And oh, did I mention telemarketing is all about rejections too?

Nevermind. I shall cheer myself up.

I met up with VampTreSS after I had finished. I walked down the mellowed Shenton Way from Fuji Xerox building down to the MRT station at 10pm, and I was so engaged in my own thoughts that I had not seen a Caucasian lady waiting for cab at the bus stop, and had hailed for one before she did.

I could see her explosive face as the cab passed her, then did I realise what I had done.

No good, no good.

Ting had been a bad girl recently.

Met up with VampTreSS and we went down to Holland Village to chill.

The usual guys-cum-sex talk.

Erm, wait a minute. Guys, and sex talk would seem a better way to put it, eh?

Anyway, we finally left for home at around 1.30am.

Thanks babe, for taking the tension of me. We had a great time doing some filming. Muahahaha.

I have to perk myself up somehow.

This is sounding way too… demoralising.

Anyway… to perk everyone up and not wanting to tinging you guys with my hues of blues, I shall not show a side of me, which people closest to me had been raving about.

And, it has something to do with songs. A song that traumatises my inner group of pals.

Featuring the panda bear, daddy bought for me over his recent trip to China 2 weeks ago.

I came home that day and saw it sitting on the ironing board, and I knew it was for me.

I picked it up maternally, held it preciously in my hands as I migrated it into my room, close to me.

I felt this warm fuzziness within me, and it embodies the love daddy has for me.

I didn’t thank him.

In fact, when he called me up yesterday to join him for some dinner organised by his clan, I turned him down flat cos I had wanted to catch MotoGP.

I resented the thought of going down even more when he told me my half-sister, the eldest one would be there as well.

I doubt I would be welcomed anyway.

I would never how he chucked me aside 4 years ago to sit with them, and I was left alone.

Too awkward for us to be at the same table, you see.

He didn’t know. I was holding back my tears throughout that Chinese New Year reunion dinner, when he took a family photo with her, and my 2nd sister, and their families, without me.

They had their families that night. I didn’t.

Perhaps I never quite healed from it, so I didn’t want to go through that horrid feeling again.

To be denied.

So, I further rejected him when he asked me to join them last night. He sounded annoyed at my stubbornness.

I got more hurt than pissed when he said, ‘Don’t be lazy! Why are you so lazy? Get changed and come down now.‘

Ouch.

Now, this is what he thinks of me. Bravo.

He knows one thing about me. You be tough with me, I will never give in.

The blood of rebels runs deep within me.

‘I.AM.NOT.LAZY.‘

My voice was not raised, but the coldness and strength in my slowed words made him took a step back.

He pleaded.

I felt like giving in, but… the eventual answer was a no.

He hung up the phone, disappointed and slightly pissed.

I am sorry. If only you know.

Ting has been a bad girl.

Another thing?

Was crossing the road from a late night snacks-stocking trip to Esso.

I was crossing the road, on the phone with SBB, when I realised the cashier had charged me 3.50 less.

I was about to venture back into the store, but was feeling more lazy than dishonest. To walk the distance back, or not?

I struggled with the thoughts over what I should do.

‘Oh no, what should I do?‘ I stopped right at the roadside, not knowing what to do.

I didn’t want to be dishonest.

‘If I were you, I would just forget about it,‘ SBB quipped.

‘I don’t know why, but….should I, should I not?‘ the confused one thought out loud.

‘You got a conscience,‘ he said.

‘Really? If I really have conscience, I wouldn’t mind walk the distance back right now, would I?‘ I contested.

‘Go home,‘ he said.

For the first time of my life, when someone had short-charged me, I actually…. cheated, after making sure the workers’ pay would not be docked.

‘Now, I don’t have a conscience,‘ I said, with a tad of guilt, as I continued my walk home.

I still feel that guilt. *bites lower lip and glances at the floor*

Ting has been a bad, bad girl.

Eh? I had thought I would show a different side of me with the clip of the panda bear, and didn’t expect to rattle on this much.

But I supposed these do show a very different side of me.

The disappointing side.

The really awful side.

Anyway.

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE EXCLUSIVE CLIP OF TING

Or

CLICK HERE IF THE ABOVE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU

If both don’t work. Er, I will email you if you leave your email address. If not? Shoo, and don’t watch it.

Be warned though.

Not for the faint-hearted.

Take a deep breath.

Are you ready for it?

Hurhurhur *evil laughters*

Isn’t it amazing how music seems to stir us from time to time, or to evoke some darkest memories in the deep recesses of our minds?

This post will be a relatively simple one. Spoken by my words not.

About the songs which haunt me for quite a bit over the week.

For no reason. Perhaps, it was the catchy melody. Maybe, it was just the lyrics that feel close to the heart. Possibly, it makes me giggle as I reminisce the memories they bring fondly. Conceivably, what friends had shared about their innermost feelings through the songs.

Some memories, may just be a simple snippet, and are triggered by the familiar melody or such…

Alas, they could just pinch a little, because, some of these memories, or people, would have already slipped through our fingers, and are things of the past.

Or maybe, I am a thing of their past.

Ah well.

***

It was 26th September 2005.

Grouchy mood. In need of a major dose of affections. Incredibly sulkish.

I strutted towards the door, with my hand ready to depress the handle, ready to hit the showers.

It was moments after an intense session induced by those throes of passion.

The Winamp player aired the song randomly, and filled the dark room with its soothing, and er, romantic(?) tune.

Michael Buble.

Put your head on my shoulder

Put your head on my shoulder
Hold me in your arms, baby
Squeeze me oh so tight
Show me that you love me too

Put your lips next to mine, dear
Won’t you kiss me once, baby
Just a kiss goodnight, may be
You and I will fall in love

Some people say that love’s a game
A game you just can’t win
If there’s a way
I’ll find it someday
And then this fool will rush in

Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, baby
Words I want to hear
Tell me, tell me that you love me too.

I felt the smooth, cool skin snaking around my naked midriff, and felt his grip tightening as he embraced me from behind.

‘Put your head on my shoulder…. da da da da da da….‘ I heard him crooned.

You must be thinking how incredible sweet it was right?

Actually, it was more of an act of goofism, when he suddenly propped his head kiddishly on my shoulder, and burst into perils of laughter.

I gave a roll-eyed esxpressions and chuckled too his sudden act of mischief.

As I scrambled into the bed right after coming out of the bathroom, and dive under those duvets, something hit me.

Wait a minute!

Mr SBB hates to sing!

That was the first time he ever sang. *Gasp in horror*

I had tried all ways and means to trick, coo, cheat, coax, lure, entice, pester, plead him to sing in the past, but he had always turned me down flat.

Invitations to the KTV was constantly snubbed, as usual.

Alright, to be fair, he could hold a decent tune, so I have no idea why he is always so sheepish about it.

Despite consistent pleads from me, he refused to sing again, and instead, laughed at his moment of silliness earlier on.

‘Don’t say you never hear me sing before huh!‘

Was that a tinge of shyness in his voice? Hahaha, that boy was incredibly self-conscious when asked to sing.

Darn.

So, this song, makes me laugh.

***

Same night. As we sat in front of the computer, I suddenly thought of the song VampTreSS sent me just a week prior to that night.

‘Sweetie! There’s a song I want you to hear! I didn’t even know such a song exist!‘

I sat him down snugly in the midst of the doughed up bunch of duvet, right in front of the monitor as I searched for the song on my Winamp player.

The moment he caught the lyrics, I dove right away from him, fearful he might launch a vicious vengeance bid at me.

I giggled and laughed cheekily as I did so.

He stared at me, begrudgingly, gave a conceded look, while trying to hide his laughter at the same time.

That basket, he did the downright despicable.

He went for the most sensitive spot on the lower half of my body….

…. My feet!

He grabbed my right foot, fastened it with his grip, and worked those fingers on it.

I can’t stand people tickling my foot! It’s inhumane! Unbearable!

Missy Elliot.

One Minute Man

Ooooooh, I don’t want I don’t need I can’t stand no minute man
I don’t want no minute man
Ooooooh, here’s your chance be a man take my hand understand
I don’t want no minute man

Ohh, ohh, uhh, OOOH
Ohh, ohh..
Ohh, ohh, uhh, OOOH
Ohh, ohh..

Boy I’ma make you love me, make you want me
And I’ma give you some attention, tonight
Now follow my intuitions, what you’re wishin
See I’ma keep you all night, for a long time
Just start countin the ways

[Chorus]
Break me off, show me what you got
Cause I don’t want, no one minute man
Break me off, show me what you got
Cause I don’t want, no one minute man
Break me off, show me what you got
Cause I don’t want, no one minute man
Break me off, show me what you got
Cause I don’t want, no..

Tonight I’ma give it to you, throw it to you
I want you to come prepared, ohhh yeah (oh yes)
Boy it’s been a long time, a crazy long time
And I don’t want no minute man, and that’s real
Give it to me some more

Yeah, uhh, uhh
It’s time to set yo’ clock back bout as long as you can
I stop daylight and Ludacris the maintenance man
Get your oil changed, I check fluids and transmission
You one minute FOOLS, you wonder why y’all missin
On the back of milk cartons and there’s no reward
No regards, close but it’s no cigar
A hard head make a soft ass, but a hard dick make the sex last
I jump in full to make a big splash
Water overflowin, so get your head right
It’s all in yo’ mind punk so keep your head tight
Enough with tips and advice and thangs
I’m big dog, havin women seein stripes and thangs
They go to sleep, start snorin, countin sheep and shit
They so wet, that they body start to leak and shit
Just cause I’m an ALL-nighter, shoot ALL fire
Ludacris, balance and rotate ALL tires

Remember how I used to blog about OMMism?

Having said that, SBB is not OMM B(who mocked OMM A) in question, whom I had blogged about almost 3 months ago.

Really. I don’t lie.

SBB is not OMM B.

I don’t lie. Really.

Okay, fine. Sometimes I do. But not often.

Not this time.

I wonder if you will call those famous last words from me.

***

Rewind the date back to 29th July.

After I lost 2 bucks to Finicky Feline.

After losing 2 bucks to Finicky Feline because of the darn kiss, the basket in SBB made him try his luck again after I dodged away from further smoochie actions.

I pursed my lips tight together, and sulked.

He tried again, and I didn’t return. Well, not used to, you see.

Cut the long story short(and to spare myself the blushes), when I finally succumbed and threw in my tongue for the game of tonsil tennis, I stopped and giggled.

George Michael was on Winamp.

You are far,
When I could have been your star,
You listened to people,
Who scared you to death, and from my heart,
Strange that I was wrong enough,
To think you’d love me too.
I guess you were kissing a fool,
You must have been kissing a fool.

At that time, I pushed myself away from him slightly, and paused.

‘Listen,’ I cued cheekily.

I hummed the final 3 words of the song, and pointed to him.

But I was smart enough to imply that he was the fool, not me. Muahahaha.

This song, reminds me of the day I painfully lost 2 bucks to Finicky Feline.

2 bucks, you know? Can buy a packet of Wanton Mee.

***

When I was studying in UK, one song touched me enough to create a lasting impression.

I suddenly had the urge to listen to it last night, and marvellous Mandrake had sent it to me.

R.E.M.

Everybody hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on

’cause everybody hurts. take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. don’t throw your hand. oh, no. don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

It accompanied me through the greyish days of gloomy London, and reminded me I am never alone.

Friends, this is for you, too.

***

Another song which brought back the struggling days in UK.

Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Cos’ it’s a bittersweet symphony this life…
’cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet , you’re a slave to the money then you die.
Try to make ends meet
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down…
You’re a slave to money then you die
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the pain lives , yeah.
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places
No change, I can change, I can change, I can change,
Where all the veins meet yeah,
But I’m here in my mold , I am here in my mold.

But I’m a million different people from one day to the next…
No change, I can change
I can’t change my mould , no,no,no,no,no,no,no
I can change, I can change
No change, I can change, I can change, I can change,
Well I never pray
But I’m here in my mould , I am here in my mold.
But tonight I’m on my knees yeah
And I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I can’t change my mould, no,no,no,no,no,no,no
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean and there’s nobody singing to me now
(well have you ever been down? )

(I can change, I can change…)
No change, I can change
I can’t change
(I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down)
I can’t change
(I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down)

(it justs sex and violence melody and silence)
’cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life
(been down)
Try to make ends meet
(ever been down)
Try to find some money then you die
(ever been down)
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the things meet yeah

This song just simply grows on me.

Don’t know why.

The time when I knew it, I never knew its lyrics.

When I finally could grasp what they were, I fell for it even more.

***

This song, reminded me of the desoluted days when I tried to break free from all inhabitations, and make new friends, again.

As I ventured on to a new phase of my life.

Somehow, things didn’t go as expected, and I grew cynical and confused.

Everybody’s Changing - Keane
You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don’t see how you can

You’re aching, you’re breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody’s changing
And I don’t know why

So little time
Try to understand that I’m
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody’s changing
And I don’t feel the same

You’re gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Cause everybody’s changing
And I don’t feel right

It was also the reason, why I named my first gallery Everything’s Changing.

Somehow, everything is constantly evolving, and some bring you pleasant surprises you never expect would take place, and some, would bring you utterly shocking disappointments you would never be mentally-prepared for.

Such, is life.

Yet, I never feel right, especially when things changes.

I just wanna shrink back to that little haven, away from everyone.

It’s just me, perhaps.

***

The song that has been eating me up big time in recent days is the song by U2.

No special meaning to it.

It just makes me… melt.

With or Without You
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And it reminded me…

***

The wind blew my hair into a mess, yet the tipsy feeling from the effect of alcohol rushing to my head induced the gigglish girlie in me.

I looked up to the unobstructed sky, and felt an utter sense of liberation.

If I could, I would want to stand up from the leather seat for a dance.

The smell of its spanking newness roused some sense of thrill.

From the player within the car, it was a song that mellowed me.

It too, was mellowed by the howling wind.

It always makes the melancholic me, wanting to skip around playfully with a slight hint of positivity, despite being down in the dumps.

It chirps me up in an odd way.

Norah Jones - Feelin’ the same way again
The sun just slipped its note below my door
And I can’t hide beneath my sheets
I’ve read the words before so now I know
The time has come again for me

And I’m feelin’ the same way all over again
Feelin’ the same way all over again
Singin’ the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Another day that I can’t find my head
My feet don’t look like they’re my own
I’ll try and find the floor below to stand
And I hope I reach it once again

And I’m feelin’ the same way all over again
Feelin’ the same way all over again
Singin’ the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Yeahhhh, Ohhhh, Yeahhh

So many times I wonder where I’ve gone
And how I found my way back in
I look around awhile for something lost
Maybe I’ll find it in the end

It was the same song, I heard at Swensen’s over supper, with SBB, just a couple of months ago.

***

Like this song, simply because I had felt the way it describes before.

Matchbox Twenty - Unwell
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

I was unwell. For a while.

Yeah.

***

And, the contributing factor to the title of this blog.

Fastball - Out of My Mind
Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll

Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there’s always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don’t matter what I say, only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you’re sad then it’s time you spoke up too

Yeap, this is the song, that prompted this blog’s title.

Was I out of my mind? Perhaps so.

Thus, the substance that came straight out of my mind.

***

Just a song with its tune running over and over again, stuck in my head.

Bic Runga - Sway
Don’t stray, don’t ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don’t let me drown, let me down
I say it’s all because of you

And here I go, losing my control
I’m practising your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn’t seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it’s time to tell you why
I say it’s infintely true

CHORUS:
Say you’ll stay, don’t come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there’s no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything’s turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

It’s all because of you
It’s all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It’s time to tell you why, I say it’s infinitely true

***

And, a song reminded me of a friend of the past.

Sometimes, it is weird how things will go, and somehow a friend would slip away through the fingers, just like that.

You don’t know how things evolved to such an extent, and have absolutely no idea if it’s a good idea to establish contact again.

Is that why friends drift away?

Circumstances made it difficult to become friends? Perhaps.

I don’t know.

Suddenly I am at a loss of words, cos I seriously don’t know what to make out of the whole situation.

I am at fault for walking away, as well.

And I am not sure if it is right of me to suddenly mention of this, cos it’s better to leave the dead rested, no?

But I guess it’s pretty safe for me to bring up this again, cos I am pretty sure those people around him, including him, would cease to read this blog.

He’s someone talented, and of extremely good nature. A friend I truly enjoyed being out with.

His friendship was definitely a gift, and he is the sweetest pea around with how he handmade a card for me, and all the nice things he has to say about people around him.

Things were platonic until… until.. I don’t know when, and how, things changed.

I wished they didn’t.

I am bad with situations like these.

As usual, I got freaked out. It got me at a bad time, when I shied away from most people too, and I was aware of the negative effects I had on him.

I admit I didn’t quite handle everything tactfully.

Slowly, we ceased to talk.

I still see the MSN nick online on most days, but somehow, even when I clicked on his nick, I hesitated cos I have no idea how to start a conversation.

Perhaps it has to do with a certain post he wrote, subtlely hinting something about me.

I might have read too much into it, but it was something I felt, was that what he thought of me was misjudgment on his part.

No, he didn’t say so, but, it was… just a feeling. And I decide to leave it as that.

Somehow, it’s odd. I don’t know how to express myself till this part of the entry.

I shall end off, with the file to the final song.

Click here to download.

It’s a song, that reminded me of a sweet friend from recent past.

Bittersweet.

And yes, he wrote, and sang that.

***

So, what is one song you have in mind, that’s haunting you right now?

I wish I can carry on, but the nagging pain on the right side of my head is annoying.

It makes me unable to think straight either.

Somehow, I am reluctant to sleep today.

Wonder if it is those dreams that put me off?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I have a very bad habit.

Whenever something happens to me, I tend to shy away, lock myself away in my own world, and possibly not venture out into it again for a while.

Somewhere only I know. Somewhere only I feel safe.

When I was in the depth of my depression, it took me weeks, or months, before I could finally come to terms with the outside world, and step out of that door that holds me in.

It became my own prison.

Which isn’t healthy at all, I know.

That too, applies to my blogging habit as well.

Remember how some saga few months ago made me cut down blogging for quite a while, just because I can’t blog what I really want to, and I cut the more intimate ties of me and the outside world.

I cease writing more about myself, but will write things in vague manner, halting the intimacy I had soaked my blog in.

These days, I still do the very same thing, just that I certainly will bounce back. Stronger, and better.

I hope.

Yeah, sounds a plenty lot like self doubt there, but at least I am trying, no?

The fear subsided. And I realise it doesn’t only apply to this aspect of my life.

I will try to blog. Not sure how it will. But yeah, I will try.

***

I have spent my days reading, reading, and reading. The usual of me to give myself a break from the real world.

It is the same book I had been bringing around everywhere so I could read.

It’s good that I finally could give it my full attention and finish it this morning at 7.15am.

When I am exhausted, I can’t read, and I can’t blog. Somehow, my brain would start to wire up in the strangest ways, and my sentence structures and such wouldn’t come naturally to me anymore.

My speech will slur, and I would end up sounding like a complete idiot.

So, that’s also part of the reason why I hadn’t been blogging, adding to how I can’t really speak my mind for the fear of losing that particular friendship.

That friendship which causes me to doubt, to ponder, to evaluate. In horror, no less.

Why am I still hanging on? Stupidly naive, were SBB’s exact words.

Am I?

He said it is a betrayal of trust. Most people would categorise it as such as well. Then again, that friend didn’t verbally lie to me, did she?

Yes yes, blardy hell. I am in denial yet again.

Not really. There was more disappointment than anger on Tuesday night.

But when I woke up on Wednesday(19th Oct) I couldn’t remember what was that feeling like anymore, though it had caused the erratic sleeping pattern, and the only clue that something had happened was the heaviness within that greeted me every single morning since it happened.

Yeah, I don’t wake up on mornings I know, but just a figure of speech, alright?

In fact, I think I mentally block out the whole incident. I have a problem recalling what I did on Wednesday.

Ah okay. It is slowly coming back. After I blogged about ‘friends’, I didn’t fall asleep till 12 noon.

It kept me up thinking.

I did try to sleep at 9 plus after a short phone call with Wenmei, who tenderly checked if I was okay after she had read the post, but was woken up by a series of phone calls, messages, some of which I remembered, some of which I don’t.

It was only half an hour of sleep, but I felt an awful weird feeling I had felt in the past.

The slight struggle in the sleep, as if I was oppressed. It was mild. There was a mix of reality and state of unconsciousness, as I gasped for air.

But the feeling was oh-so familiar. I hadn’t had it since my baptism last 8 August.

I jolted awake, but was not panicking. Perhaps due to the fact that I had woken up with ease, without much struggle.

Like it had been a bad dream. Only that the dream was all but darkness.

Just then, SBB called.

What great timing.

It was an odd feeling but not strong.

Maybe I lacked rest, that’s all. Perhaps, it was bad sleeping posture. I tend to not sleep well when I face the ceiling.

I felt slightly better but didn’t feel good enough to head back to bed.