Learnt in a day.
Or rather, in the past 12 hours.
Or less.
More than anything I had learnt in my entire life.
It is a strange night, today.
Very strange.
Everything will be short. But every bit will be draining.
***
After all those that happened in the past few days, people had said I am a cool friend, I am a good friend, I am a dear friend.
I don’t think so.
How do you measure a friend, really?
I joked to VampTreSS that today is a weird day of tests. Test of friendship.
Let me recount the things that happened today.
Each section, of a different friend in my life.
***
‘He likes you, too.‘
Really?
Nah, it will be too complicated for the friendships we share.
Nice friends, but just, not right.
I am too great a disappointment.
SBB asked, ‘So how do you feel when told?‘
‘I just want to cry.’
***
The Spanish with the charming smile(not the one with the bod).
‘Webcam?‘ he asked.
I lazily set it up and showed the makeupless bare face. Throw in the puffy eyes, too.
Stand up, he said.
I cheekily stuck my tongue out at the camera, and refused to do so.
I was indecently dressed, you see.
Eventually, I gave in. I switched the webcam off, and put on a bra underneath my top and a pair of shorts.
I switched the topics to more serious ones, and I was glad it was of better contents than the ones I had with the other Spanish.
He joked if I could give him a surprise when he was going off.
He laughed and said, ‘Striptease.‘
Badly spelt, the word was.
Very funny.
I gave him the brush-off.
SHY, I excused.
I shoo-ed him offline.
I don’t think any of them would ever bother to know me seriously as an individual, eh?
***
David.
I went through the trouble to help you get the things, don’t you think it is only right for you to take the initiative to call me up to meet up with me? It’s almost as if you don’t appreciate my help.
I was slightly hurt.
I am not giving myself the excuse, but I think it is unfair of you to say that. You are the one working and I am the one not doing so. I wouldn’t know when you are busy and when you are not. That’s why I would wait for your cue. I have been very much wanting to meet you, but I am not sure when you will be meeting your pals or not, or when you need to work or not.
This is just me. I am fearful of picking up the phone to make the first step. Therefore, I don’t normally initiate meetings, unless with very close pals whom I know would be doing nothing anyway.
I am fearful of rejection, and I am tired of people telling me, jokingly or not, ‘You think everyone like you no need to work huh?’.
I haven’t meet up with Eileen much since she got pregnant cos I was fearful of her being tired and busy, thus I stopped. Not because I am taking her for granted just because I met new people, you know that?
Okay, at least we talk things out, no hard feelings okay?
It’s cool. I like it when things are iron out straight in the face, and I know I have a dear friend to keep. Sometimes miscommunication and misunderstandings start from the most minute of things.
Seriously David, I am very, very grateful for your help.
***
I got the rudest shock of my life when I realised what you, a friend, had done to me.
Never had such sense of betrayal overwhelmed me.
I loved you. Perhaps I still do.
I stoned. I was in a daze. I froze. I frantically searched for the phone to call for the closest friends for some emotional support.
There was only that few who knew about the build-up all along. Only a couple I could think of offhand.
I was too flabbergasted to speak, or to feel any anger.
But, I was disappointed how you try to put me down all the time with the subtle jibes.
Was that all hypocrisy that you had been indulging me with, instead of a true friendship?
They slapped me to my sense.
Naivety, SBB chided me.
I felt hurt. Disappointed.
I found excuses for you, and realised I was in too deep a denial.
Do you hate me in discreet, all along?
I just wanted to cry.
I held back.
I pretended it didn’t matter.
Buy new friends? About time.
***
Finicky Feline was doing her manicure.
She spared the time to listen to my semi-daze voice as I stuttered in disbelief.
She felt injustice for me.
Thanks for being around, sweets.
***
I called. I messaged. MSNed.
Been two days. No replies, no nothing.
I just hope you are alright.
Seriously, I had thought of you when I needed someone the most.
I know it’s unfair to say this.
I really had wanted to be there for you when you needed someone. But I guess you didn’t really need me.
Where were you when I needed you the most?
***
SBB.
Hello sweetie. I tried my utmost to sound chirpy, suppressing the quiver in my voice.
Hello sweetie. What’s up? You are bored huh?
Yeah. I guess you do know me huh. I never take the initiative to call you unless I am bored… or in a need to lament. Hahaha.
I went silent, suddenly.
I need to lament, I whined.
I always whine to make things sound less serious than they seem.
Don’t worry. Just go ahead sweetie, the voice was soothing and reassuring.
The same old issue. Worse, this time.
He listened patiently, before he drew the conclusion that I should perhaps brace myself for a confrontation.
How could someone ever be so fake? It’s sad.
Maybe she didn’t mean it. Okay, tell me I am not in denial.
Sorry. I can’t lie.
Fine. Tell me I am not stupid, silly, dumb.. whatever.
There was a slight hue of impatience in his voice, Just hopeless(I can’t remember exact word) naivety.
I could hear someone pressing him for dinner, and he hung on to listen the full story.
He sounded charmingly sweet when he asked me to cheer up, before finally making a move for dinner.
***
She is someone I had only met once, briefly, in real life.
Yet, she knows my dirtiest secrets, and it’s weird that I always feel joy for her though we don’t know each other that in-depth.
Somehow, when I truly needed someone to talk to, she would be one of the first few I would feel inclined to talk to.
The only 2 times I called her on the phone, was when I was really perturbed.
Today, was the 2nd time.
I needed someone who isn’t close to my life to hear me out, perhaps giving a less bias judgment.
Uh oh. The end conclusion was that she felt pissed for me.
I am surprised.
It’s so nice to have someone whom you can share joy and shit with.
I thanked her, for her time.
Her brilliant response?
What are friends for?
(I quote her in green cos she loves green!)
Yeap, that is what I am trying to figure out for the whole darn night.
***
She never fails to give me a quick fix, however busy she is.
She spared some time for me in the midst of her busy schedule and I filled her in the gist in record timing.
Can I slap some sense into you? She doesn’t treat you as a friend, simple as that.
I guess.
***
Kenny.
Seriously, his busy schedule these days made me miss him a great deal.
I finally see him online more often. Yet, never dared to impose on him just in case he is busy.
Somehow, I never go indepth about the things that revolved around my life with him, yet I would always share the gist with him.
He was reassuring.
Yes dear, you are missed and you are not forgotten.
***
Him.
Someone whom I got to know through the love of common interests.
Soccer, photography.
It was just out of pure impulse one night when he heard something from me that was kept from most people.
He, is just a stranger. Who doesn’t know me.
He didn’t have to believe me, but he did.
Thanks. Yes, you. The rebellious 24 year-old.
A stranger.
Where are the real friends?
***
The Paddington bear guy.
His intelligence became a drawing factor.
No, it was more of his ‘other side’.
I didn’t have to say much, and I just have to let the words flow to my fingers as I typed.
Who is he?
I don’t know. Never seen. Never heard, except for the inner voice that were transmitted by the sheer beauty of his literacy.
The emails became therapeutic.
They ceased.
They picked up again.
Thanks.
I wish you happiness.
***
Some firm’s Executive Creative Director.
Gee. I almost forgot his existence.
He had wanted to whisk me off to some exotic island some months ago, remember?
He suddenly messaged to ask how I am.
He had said he want to bring me to his hometown, Sydney.
Uh oh.
I didn’t reply him. Maybe tomorrow, when I have more emotional capacity to deal with it.
***
Another he.
He doesn’t want to be known, though.
He asked me out for a casual supper.
Nothing that would raise anyone’s eyebrow, but just a meetup between 2 very bored individuals.
First time, I know him as a person.
Pretty much affirmed the things I had thought I knew about him. And more.
It was funny.
I coerced him into ‘coming out’ and not hide his identity despite his reluctance. Muahahaha.
The tactless man shot, ‘Eh! You very photogenic!‘ when he saw the wallpaper on my handphone.
I shot him a piercing glare so sharp that he panicked and smoothed the edges, ‘No no no! I didn’t mean that!‘.
TOO LATE.
Then again, it’s true that I look nothing like my pictures. Hehe.
He sat there, indulging in the soccer game on the television, he of absolute no interest in.
Just because of the one hour phone call that came in to my phone, that I couldn’t excuse myself from.
He sat there, patiently, waving me on, as I excused myself from the seat, pacing up and down the pavement for a tad more privacy.
***
Nick.
Very nicely offered to edit a 245MB WMV file for me.
I spent hours trying to send the file to him.
Thanks.
Still, I would like to stress that I am 4-2 up against him in who-is-the-cuter-baby contest.
***
Roy.
He called.
He never did call me before.
I saw the flashing number in the midst of my supper, and was left surprised.
I picked up.
A choking voice was asking me if I was busy.
I excused myself, and spent an hour talking to him.
He could go on no more.
He could take it no more.
I feel for him, I really do.
I want nothing to happen to him, and I wish he could move on well in life.
It’s quite agonising, really.
Please don’t do anything silly.
I even threw in a joke about how I still want discounts from him if I ever purchase anything from his shop, so nothing should ever happen to him.
I didn’t think I was a good enough friend though.
I didn’t know what to say most of the time.
So yeap, I just wish he is well.
***
1.15am.
Finally arrived at Turkey. Why surprised? You know that i like you.
It was an untypical message. And he certainly sound untypical from his usual tone.
I had said I was surprised, cos he had called me 3 times today which all I had missed, when he was having a stopover in Dubai.
No way.
The time imprinted on the screen was that of 1915, probably the local time of his hometown.
The Netherlands.
He had never been affectionate in any of his emails nor any of the SMSes he had sent me.
So, it came as a surprise.
From a man who had seen much more of the world than I did.
So much more smarter than I am. I could safely say he is one of the most intelligent men I ever came across.
Dutch. English. German. French. Italian. Spanish. Japanese.
The above are the languages he speaks and understands.
I feel like an idiot in comparison.
I mean, he develops engines for the top Motorsport in the world, and holds 2 jobs in the top team. Why on earth would he spend time on someone like me, yuh?
(Raf noticed he wears a $25, 000 watch, not that it is important)
And guess what? Our paths will probably never cross again cos we would be in different regions of the world in the future, and he would probably not return to Singapore/Malaysia in the near future.
The only difference is, he had took an awful lot of efforts to know me as an individual, ever so encouraging.
And he is always sweet, minus all sleaze.
And he believes in one special woman in his life.
Who in the hell, especially an European, would ever believe in that these days?
Alright. This can’t be happening.
***
I feel good tonight.
Strangely so.
Maybe I have taken off my tinted glasses and seen some things clearly.
Friends.
Really?
They might not be the people closest to you, and those closest to you, might never be true friends to begin with.
Jiali, Lisha, Xiuzhao, Jiatong, Wenmei, Vivienne.
I am missing you girlies.
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