I have a very bad habit.

Whenever something happens to me, I tend to shy away, lock myself away in my own world, and possibly not venture out into it again for a while.

Somewhere only I know. Somewhere only I feel safe.

When I was in the depth of my depression, it took me weeks, or months, before I could finally come to terms with the outside world, and step out of that door that holds me in.

It became my own prison.

Which isn’t healthy at all, I know.

That too, applies to my blogging habit as well.

Remember how some saga few months ago made me cut down blogging for quite a while, just because I can’t blog what I really want to, and I cut the more intimate ties of me and the outside world.

I cease writing more about myself, but will write things in vague manner, halting the intimacy I had soaked my blog in.

These days, I still do the very same thing, just that I certainly will bounce back. Stronger, and better.

I hope.

Yeah, sounds a plenty lot like self doubt there, but at least I am trying, no?

The fear subsided. And I realise it doesn’t only apply to this aspect of my life.

I will try to blog. Not sure how it will. But yeah, I will try.

***

I have spent my days reading, reading, and reading. The usual of me to give myself a break from the real world.

It is the same book I had been bringing around everywhere so I could read.

It’s good that I finally could give it my full attention and finish it this morning at 7.15am.

When I am exhausted, I can’t read, and I can’t blog. Somehow, my brain would start to wire up in the strangest ways, and my sentence structures and such wouldn’t come naturally to me anymore.

My speech will slur, and I would end up sounding like a complete idiot.

So, that’s also part of the reason why I hadn’t been blogging, adding to how I can’t really speak my mind for the fear of losing that particular friendship.

That friendship which causes me to doubt, to ponder, to evaluate. In horror, no less.

Why am I still hanging on? Stupidly naive, were SBB’s exact words.

Am I?

He said it is a betrayal of trust. Most people would categorise it as such as well. Then again, that friend didn’t verbally lie to me, did she?

Yes yes, blardy hell. I am in denial yet again.

Not really. There was more disappointment than anger on Tuesday night.

But when I woke up on Wednesday(19th Oct) I couldn’t remember what was that feeling like anymore, though it had caused the erratic sleeping pattern, and the only clue that something had happened was the heaviness within that greeted me every single morning since it happened.

Yeah, I don’t wake up on mornings I know, but just a figure of speech, alright?

In fact, I think I mentally block out the whole incident. I have a problem recalling what I did on Wednesday.

Ah okay. It is slowly coming back. After I blogged about ‘friends’, I didn’t fall asleep till 12 noon.

It kept me up thinking.

I did try to sleep at 9 plus after a short phone call with Wenmei, who tenderly checked if I was okay after she had read the post, but was woken up by a series of phone calls, messages, some of which I remembered, some of which I don’t.

It was only half an hour of sleep, but I felt an awful weird feeling I had felt in the past.

The slight struggle in the sleep, as if I was oppressed. It was mild. There was a mix of reality and state of unconsciousness, as I gasped for air.

But the feeling was oh-so familiar. I hadn’t had it since my baptism last 8 August.

I jolted awake, but was not panicking. Perhaps due to the fact that I had woken up with ease, without much struggle.

Like it had been a bad dream. Only that the dream was all but darkness.

Just then, SBB called.

What great timing.

It was an odd feeling but not strong.

Maybe I lacked rest, that’s all. Perhaps, it was bad sleeping posture. I tend to not sleep well when I face the ceiling.

I felt slightly better but didn’t feel good enough to head back to bed.

Yvonne called to arrange for a meetup thereafter, and I got in touch with Wenmei, asking if she would love to come along.

She agreed.

After everything was settled, I headed back to bed.

Oh, I think I had a short chat over MSN with VampTreSS till 12.30pm, when I finally could take it no more.

When I finally woke up again, it was 5.30pm.

Apparently, I could sleep no more after 4 hours, though I had forced myself to indulge in more sleep.

I haven’t had any good rest for the entire week.

Received an email from someone who had been avoiding me for days. A misunderstanding had caused her to think that I was talking about her in the previous post.

Silly moose!!!

And she kept apologising over the mail for some boo-boo she made.

Don’t hide things from me again, darling. Things could have been remedied much more promptly that way.

And, I explained to her, I wasn’t talking about her, but was looking for her so I could talk about what was bothering me.

It was 8.30pm when Denise and beau reached to pick me up for a game of Mahjong at her beau’s place.

Was terribly hungry and was feeling weak. In a semi-daze from the sleep deprivation.

The McDonald’s dinner we ordered reached only 2 hours later, and our food was all soggy and cold. My cravings for hot, crispy fries died immediately.

We didn’t lodge any complaints. But it made Alvin determine enough never to dial for them again.

Tsk tsk. The golden arch should be doing something about their efficiency. My first order from them was also an unpleasant one, but subsequently, there was huge improvement. Just that sadly, not everyone is into giving chances, especially when it comes to business.

I lost 40 bucks over the game. Ouch.

***

Reached home around 12.45am, and a message that came through later that night, made me ponder.

It was sweet. And of course, with that sentence, always comes a standard ‘but…’.

***

Despite the debt I owed my body for the lack of sleep, I didn’t manage to fall asleep till 5 plus in the morning.

I woke up at 7.30am. My Thursday, 20th Oct, started.

Tossed and turned. I cursed silently.

I woke up again at 8.30am. Had troubles falling asleep again. But I did.

Woke up again at 10am.

Argh.

Before I could finally feel the fatigue overwhelming me.

It was 11.30am when I was woken up by the shrill of the house phone. Bleah! Just when I was finally able to sleep well. I spoke gibberish to him and he released me back to my slumberland, said I would be up at 12.30pm instead.

The very sweet one didn’t call at 12.30pm, cos he thought I would still be sleeping.

‘Morning sweetie, didn’t want to wake you up. You should be getting more rest..‘

*Ting cues dramatic ‘Awww….’*

Anyway.

Got up and dressed up to meet Wenmei and Yvonne at Funan IT Mall’s Swensen’s at 2pm.

Though I had gotten there on time, I scooted round and round the entire mall to realise I was lost.

Bleah.

Yvonne was incredibly sweet, though the 2 of them did the usual ‘Please don’t do the strawberry milk thing on me!‘ like any other people I hang out with these days.

When I had wanted an ice-cream blended, I asked for alternatives when I was informed it contains caffeine.

‘Strawberry milkshake for you, ma’am?‘ the waitress suggested.

She looked on inquisitely when the 3 of us burst into laughters, and I went with her suggestion in between giggles.

We went on with the interview.

I had a whale of a time with the 2 ladies, and Yvonne picked the tab for lunch though she really didn’t have to.

It’s nice when you meet such nice people, cos they drive away the dark, grim impressions of general people after being bitten once.

It also brews that warm and fuzzy feeling when you finally meet up with friends of the old days and catch up over lunch.

Bade them goodbye as Wenmei went back to her work, while I ran some errands around City Hall area, before I found myself a nice window seat at Olio Dome at UOB centre, sipping tea, reading my book.

And.. err, dropping banana cake’s crumbs all over the table.

Did I mention how I adore the tensed atmosphere in the financial hub of Singapore? Looking on to the busy paces, hurried steps, pensive faces, as I slowed my strides, as if I was with them, but not of them.

I could just sit there alone for the entire evening, and not feeling bored.

Messaged a whole lot of people to meet up for coffee, and the ones who eventually made it were Nick and Kelvin, who both work in town area.

Met up with Nick and went down to Far East Square, where we had Ramen, and Kelvin joined us shortly after.

Had teh tarik, and the 2 of them were pretty tired and we ended the meetup around 8.30pm.

As usual, the topic of strawberry milkshake had not met its due date yet.

Parted at the MRT station and I made my way to Holland Village by train. After I had last jogged to Holland Village, I know my way to Holland Village from the station by foot!

***

As I strutted into the dimmed Wala Wala, with the energetic burst of music filling the room, I did a quick scan and didn’t see them.

Darn, how was I supposed to find them in such a crowd.

Out from the ladies, sashayed out a pretty figure, as she flashed me a mesmerising smile.

Ah, great. Search no further, I thought.

She led me to the table, already circled by 4 others.

The guy across the table caught my eyes. My alertness sharpened.

I leaned towards Finicky Feline who was already there, pointed to the lad in white shirt, ‘Who’s that guy?‘.

Tetanus and Wallflower’s friend, was the patronising answer given.

My intuition told me something wasn’t right.

‘Hi, I am XXX,‘ he stretched his arm out across the table.

Ah. It was really him.

I gave a wry smile, and suddenly felt a tinge of social jitters.

I am not good with people, remember?

***

I took the seat next to him and asked if he was okay.

He thought someone had let the cat out of the bag, and asked around the table who had betrayed his identity.

I looked on to him with immense bewilderness, and said, ‘You introduced yourself as XXX what!‘.

I had knew his real name, and his self-introduction confirmed my suspicion.

Think I bimbo is it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

After 96 emails exchanged, I finally met Mr Paddington.

Just after I had briefly mentioned him in a recent post.

Somehow, his Austin Powers-like accent was interesting. Muahaha.

And yes, it was indeed a pleasure to finally meet you.

The night went on with the band blasting in the background, and I enjoyed the company of them, learning German vulgarities along the way from the German at the table.

Great, now I will know if anyone swear at me in European languages(or make suggestive statements -chuckles-).

They were such great company that I almost didn’t want to leave.

Alas, I had to leave early cos dad picked me up to endorse my passport, which I hope is the last time till I pick up my employment pass.

***

Got home around 1am.

I was supposed to turn in early. I should be.

I certainly didn’t expect it to drag on till 4.30am before I could finally doze off.

My body clock is badly screwed.

Yeap it is.

It was 9 am when dad called back to tell me he was on his way to pick me up, and I groggily woke up from my deep slumber.

Friday, the 21st, started with an early note.

The sight of my puffy eyes in the mirror made me silently curse that I should have retired earlier the night before.

I was in a state of daze when I sashayed down the main entrance of Singapore General Hospital, with my hardly-used(and badly scratched) Gucci shades shielding my painful eyes from the piercing rays.

Sheesh. When I had ventured out that morning, it was almost chilly! Never did I expect the weather to take such a drastic turn, and was baking me alive with its heat.

I was there for an AIDS test.

*Gasp gasp gasp*

Er….. well, it has some truth in it, alright?

To collect my employment pass, I have to do a thorough body checkup with blood test and chest X-ray.

The first was blood test, and I had almost whipped out my camera to take the needle that poked me, and it was strangely painless.

I was yelping out in pain when I had to tear out the silly plaster though.

It was, in my opinion, worse than brazilian waxing.

It was as if the whole world was at SGH yesterday.

SBB came down to keep my company, and I had initially thought of going to another block to look for a friend.

Then, VampTreSS called later in the day to ask if I would want to meet up for tea, and told me that she was with a friend near SGH.

Everything was done promptly and I finished everything by lunch time.

Finally got home at around 4.30pm, and I was locked out of the house when I realised I hadn’t brought my key out with me since dad was the one who locked the door earlier.

Sheesh.

I took a 10 minute nap at the staircase landing, and dad got back half an hour later. I heaved a sigh of relief when I could finally hit the showers, sticky and all sweaty.

The weather was hell yesterday.

EEEEEK.

And it didn’t help I was in a long-sleeved top over a camisole.

I dove straight into the bosom of my beloved duvet and read.

I couldn’t seem to understand anything out of it cos my brain wasn’t functioning. I slurred on the phone when SBB called at around 6 cos I couldn’t coordinate my speech. My body refused to move except for its fingers that ran wildly across the keyboard.

I complained how my body had stopped all its functions and that it had shut down.

Except for my hormones.

Muahahahaha.

It was early 8pm when I could no longer stand it, and succumbed to a 3-hour nap.

All recharged and well enough to be blogging, but somehow, I didn’t.

I am not sure if the sudden change of weather out there, with the rambling sky, was a factor for that.

I had wanted to draft an entry at 1am, but had dragged on with all the emailings, and reading.

I finally finished the last 3rd of the book from 4am to 7am, after I ended some windows of chats to concentrate on it.

I scurried into dreamland.

If only I knew what was in for me.

I wouldn’t have allowed myself to sleep if I did.

***

It was pitch-black darkness.

I felt as if I was suspended in midair in the midst of my sleep.

I felt suffocated.

My nerves were ruffled, and the dream was a bizarre one.

I wanted to move, I couldn’t.

I wanted to breathe, I couldn’t.

I wanted to wake up, I couldn’t.

I felt my life slipping away, and I vaguely remember I was clinging on dearly to it. My soul drifting away.

I pressed myself to wake up, but I was hardly panicking.

I couldn’t.

Wake up Ting. Open your eyes. The will was there, but the body could not yield to my will.

It wasn’t the first time I had such dreams.

Suddenly I broke out in tongues, and was praying.

I felt the least bit of fear, knowing exactly how I was going to overcome it.

It was strange. Almost like I was too near to…. death.

When I finally did, I saw the glimpse of light peeping through the seams of the curtains.

It was over, I was aware.

I was glad, and I fell back to sleep promptly after catching my breath.

It was definitely worse than the one I had earlier this week.

It was just seconds that the whole thing repeated itself again the moment I fell into the deep recesses of my rest.

I struggled again.

I took a long while before I forced myself to wake up again, feeling all floatish and nauseous.

Weak.

A little scared, but knowing I would be able to get through it in a while.

I was irritated by the whole process, and it happened for the 3rd time, before my sleep was disturbed until 3pm.

Dad came home, and someone came to view the apartment since it was put up for sale.

Went back to sleep after I finished a couple of chapter of my new book.

It was 5pm. The house phone rang stubbornly. I was so tired that I almost didn’t hear it.

SBB called and realised I was still sleeping. *Sheepish*

It was a brief chat and I was awed by the energy in my voice, when my mind was still in hibernating mode.

I went back to sleep. For an hour.

I had yet another realistic dream.

It was a confrontation, and I felt I was put on the spot with the tirade of questionings, and the sharp, chilling stares from 3 people. I wasn’t welcomed, evidently.

I felt so guilt-ridden that I stayed mum. I didn’t cry. I just offered a sincere, curt, and simple ’sorry’.

Questions asked. I gave my explanations. Matter-of-factly.

I didn’t feel too good and I wanted to leave. It was as if it was rather real.

The phone rang, and it was SBB.

Precision of timing, I reckon.

When I picked it up rather swiftly, I almost asked a question related to the dream, thinking it was the reality.

As I opened my eyes and was reposed in bed, I was glad to realise it was all but a dream.

Thank God my agony was cut short.

Hearing that soothing, reassuring voice had its calming effect too, somehow.

I decided my 11 hours of rest was enough to replenish the week of rest I shortchanged my body for.

And I seriously didn’t want to go through the turmoil of those awful dreams again.

I had enough of them in one night(yes again, just a figure of speech, alright?).

Actually come to think of it, there is a vast difference in how these dreams scare me during the peak of my depression and now.

At least I don’t let them bother me that much, and can still sleep on without feeling an ounce of fear in me.

Gee, what if I sleep and never wake up tomorrow? Hmmm…

Didn’t venture anywhere.

Didn’t intend to, either.

So, I had spent Friday night alone at home.

Saturday alone at home.

And most probably, Sunday night alone as well.

Perhaps, just need some quiet time to churn whatever I have yet to churn out on my blog.

Maybe, I am in need of that bit of quality time with myself.

Possibly, I am short of moolah, and a book, some smooth MP3s, and a Manchester United match(Darn! 1-1 draw) would be able to satisfy me more than anything else.

I shall continue to chill.

Night all.

Who knows, if I feel like it, I will end up:

a) Finish my current read in one go
b) Blog 2 more entries or something(mental note: One dose of SBB, another dose of tralala)
c) Stuffing myself silly with chocolates and snacks
d) Chatting up cute guys
e) D.I.Y.

Oh well, the last point is a joke, if you didn’t get it.