And you thought I would be fully recharged, eager to blog.

Actually, um, no.

I feel like unveiling another out of my 3 reads, but I suspect I would turn hermit by the end of then.

Maybe I will just read chick lit just to drive the blues and violence away from my recent 2 reads.

In my opinion, my newest read was rather disappointing.

Other than reading, I can’t remember anything else I have done in the past 8 hours.

Oh, I watched television for 2. MSN-ed(with Vamp, Pablo Nieto, and uh-oh-what’s-his-name?) and blog-surfed for 1. Danced around aimlessly for 1.

4 hours for 1/3 of a book is… slow.

Happy Deepavali. That’s how I had spent mine holiday Tuesday.

***

Dad finally brought my passport and spanking new Employment Pass back today. I stared at the final 2 pages of blanks on my passport, and was glad that I managed to get the pass before it ran out of space.

It has been less than one and half years. My 64-page passport had ran out of space.

Good news is, with the pass, I can finally renew it in Singapore, at the local Malaysian Embassy. And I should do it if I want to go on a holiday next mid-year.

And now, what’s next? Another few months’ wait for my Permanent Residency before I could finally embark on some sort of career?

Bleak huh?

But, it’s the first step, nonetheless.

***

The pictures from the Halloween party freak me out. Gross me much, too.

Yes, I am blardy critical of myself especially when the big D haunts me again.

I am proud of myself.

I had went without food since I woke up today.

And, I had went without food for yesterday, too.

The only food I had on Sunday, was the banana and cheese prata I had for supper, which I didn’t quite finish.

Sunday, lunch with 3 very lovely people. Dim sum. Hardly a proper meal, eh?

Saturday one meal. Dinner. With the girls. I drained my plate of its final grain of rice.

Friday, one meal. Noodles that I didn’t finish, over brunch with dad.

Thursday. Single meal too.

What happened to my mega-appetite?

I have no idea. But I don’t feel hungry.

***

This is a special announcement for my beloved Finicky Feline, who had been really worried.

It was really cool cos I managed to speak to her for the very first time this morning since she left for US of A, and it was quite substantial compared to the minimal communication we had since then.

I can’t quite remember what we had said, but something something I lick her, and something something she suck me something something titties, after I showed her my nudies.

Nah, joking.

And something something about how she would clean my room for me if I please her sexually, physically, huggally(yes, I know there’s no such terms, whatever), and emotionally.

What kind of friends do I have? *traumatise*

Vague. Very vague memories.

I swear I would have put my webcam into good use, which I had learnt, is impressively useful and fun, recently. Very recently. *cough*

Darling FF, after our recent MSN conversation, guess what?

Miss ‘Samantha’ did up the figure to 4 last night.

I am good with guesses. Hurhurhur.

And I am darn jealous.

***

So, I have yet to complete accouting my Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, since I did mention my Friday was spent sleeping my day away after submitting my application for the pass.

I didn’t mention that I was so tired that I left the collection chore to my dad who was in town anyway.

***

Thursday. 27th, it was.

It was starting to drizzle when SBB dropped me off, and we stood in it for a while, as he finished his stick of cigarette.

I am relatively sure it was my hormones. I yearned for the bitter, roasted taste of tobacco rimming my lips, after I had canoodled upclose to him that very morning, pleading for a puff.

He relented, albeit a tad reluctantly.

‘Stop eyeing my ciggie,’ he caught my roaming eyes.

‘Huh? No, I wasn’t, you must be mistaken!‘ I giggled my way out of the situation again.

And I took one drag, in the falling rain.

One last lingering cuddle, and a goodbye smooch in full view of those at the cab queue, he was on his way off.

***

Lugging the troublesome X-ray, and the precious folds of paper that would grant me my long-awaited employment pass in the plastic bag, I made my way to one of the wards.

***

He was knocking off as I finally located where he was.

As we strolled out of the premises, we headed to this part of the hospital that was unknown to me.

Make-shift wards, surrounded by greens. Peaceful, quiet. Almost too lonely, if not for the vibrant colours from the shimmering plants.

The drizzle had halted. Air was moist.

Grim with the last signs of day, before darkness invaded.

‘He had been like this for 5 months,’ he nodded towards the man inside the ward on my right.

I looked through the slim strip of glass panel of the door, and saw a stick-thin figure, staring up at the ceiling, almost lifeless.

His gaze was empty.

‘He’s a veg. He doesn’t feel, doesn’t see. We have been wondering for the longest time when he would finally give up. He had contracted all sorts of bugs for the past few months, and even not treated, he would somehow fight on and get well by himself.‘

He doesn’t feel. Despite his wide, parted eyes, nothing registers.

I stood there. I glanced towards his name, and took a lingering look at the frail figure.

The name, the scene, had imprinted themselves stubbornly in my thoughts. I still…..

…. remember.

It was, somehow, sad.

I inhaled heavily, a warm rush to the rims of my eyes.

I smiled, a tad nervously, and had a sudden craving for a fag. Compose, compose.

Maybe, I never should belong in the medical field.

And perhaps, that’s why, I am not.

I was 16, when Edward told me I should pursue medical-related studies, knowing my strengths, but he had added I should never go into the field, cos I, was too much a weakling to cope.

Maybe, it is just as well I didn’t end up in UCL, nor fulfilling the conditional offer they extended.

But I always wonder, what would happen, if I had?

Maybe, just maybe, I would end up dating some cosmetic surgeon *cough* there, and went under the knife with discounted rates.

Oh well.

I left the ward, with a heavy heart. With that image, irremovable.

***

It was near dinner time, when *cough* Mr Anonymous Zorro Zerro gave an impromptu suggestion for dinner.

He had owed me a dinner over email, which I had yet to claim, and he said I could.

I okay-ed the suggestion, since I had nothing on, except for a meeting scheduled post-dinner time.

It was a place, he had brought someone to before, and I had exclaimed how I never knew such a place exists in one of the mails. And somehow, I don’t know how, we did say we would check out the place in one of the replies.

I had never, set foot into Botanical Gardens since I was, er, 9?

We were half an hour early, dinner would only serve at 7pm.

Took a walk around the place that I had vague impressions of, and I wished I had my sneakers with me, so I could join the evening joggers in the serene openness.

We were led up a stairs, to the 2nd storey of the cosy, and classy restaurant.

I should have forseen the signs, the exclusivity of the place.

I had thought it was some alfresco coffee place, and that since I had just had late lunch with SBB earlier on, I thought I would just grab a small bite of desserts, or a cup of tea.

And, I should have picked up the obvious clue: Les Amis Au Jardin. The name of the restaurant.

I was so not dressed, nor the kind of people, suited for such places.

I am clumsy, and loud, remember?

I heard clangs of wine glasses, and elegantly dressed people, and sheepishly stared down at my jeans.

The slight sense of inadequacies started sneaking in.

I was just glad that I had left my helmet in the back of his car. Phew.

I shall not mention how I tried to mask my lost of composure when the menu was shoved into my hands.

I gulped. Swallowed my saliva hard, and I realised it was almost certain that I had to go with the courses of the meal.

I struggled with the annoying French terms, and felt like an utter bimbo.

In a bid to look really intelligent, we whipped out my newly collected X-ray and pored over it.

Apparently, I was told that I have a slight condition of scoliosis, and quite unsually, had compensated it with my neck.

And yes, I am trying to sound profound here, when I have no idea what I am talking about, though my spine does look slight bent. Muahahaha.

So, I need someone who will carry me around when my arthritis is bad when I am old and wrinkled like a prune.

And, the sea-weed crackers that was served. Very nice.

And you think I would make a mess outta everything, don’t cha?

Noooo! I didn’t! My dinner partner made a bigger mess than I did, dropped the food more often than I did, and I am immensely proudof that, alright?

Since I am picking up Italian, I shall just admit that my French sucks and I have no idea whatever the dishes’ names were.

But I can tell you, all of the above are incredibly delicious, and could possibly be the ones that flirted with my taste buds the most.

And I was darn excited when my appertizer was settled right before me.

It was the first time, I ever tasted Foie Gras. Pan-fried.

And, it was absolutely, freaking, loss-of-words-here yummy, and the smooth texture melted in my mouth.

Orgasmic!

I wish I don’t know how Foie Gras taste like.

Now, I fear when the hormones kick in, I might start craving for them, constantly… *wails*

Seriously, I don’t why I chose Asparagus instead of the Angel Hair pasta Mr Zerro had.

It was pretty unfulfilling.

But still, nothing could taste bad.

And finally, my main was served.

Something something lobster.

Which I thought resembles Big Breakfast from the golden arch.

And, what a sin it was for me to finish only half of it despite it being fresh and springy cos I was too full to go on.

It was…. so nice.

And in very typical girlie fashion, I opted for something chocolatey for desserts.

Whilst he went for the souffle.

I still very much adore my green tea-chocolate ice-cream though.

But it wasn’t as fantastic as I had expected it to be.

And for the first time, I finally knew how souffle tastes like.

The conclusion to the dinner was a cup of tea, and those little cutie bites, which tasted brilliant.

Despite Mr Zerro’s kind intention to pick up the tab for the dinner, I had thought I would pay for my share, or even pick up the tab if I could.

Until…… the moment we were shown to our seats earlier, and the menu was preciously placed in my hands.

I silently prayed I would have enough to pay for my share, cos it was just something… I would normally do.

Until…… the bill was presented, and yes, Mr Zerro, I took a quick peek at the bill.

And a quick mental calculation whispered to me that what I had with me, nor what I had in my debit card, would clear the bill.

I felt inadequate.

If only, yes, if only, I am already out there striving out on my own like my fellow peers.

What am I doing now?

What have I achieved now?

Hurhurhur.

I know, comparisons shouldn’t be such. But I just couldn’t quite help it, especially when most of my peers are achieving so much more than I do.

That was, only the 1st, of the many inadequacies that followed.

It was past 9, when the incessant flashes outside the window we were sitting by, intimidated the hell outta me. I shuffled nervously in my seat, wondering if I would make a fool outta myself if I suddenly freak out and scream out loud.

SBB had wanted to pick me up from Botanical Gardens, so that we could meet up with VampTreSS.

As the lightnings blinked, unsettling me, I dialed frantically to inform him of the storm that awaited.

No answer.

Eventually, the plan was cancelled, and I would make my own way down instead so tha he didn’t have to come down in the heavy storm.

And yes, the howling wind, and overwhelming downpour, wasn’t quite safe for him to ride either.

Mr Mosaic Zerro, who was darn reluctant to be photographed, and claimed that he looks fat in it. Hello?! You would never look so when you are next to me, alright?

I can’t quite remember when it was the last time it had a storm quite as bad as that night.

And it didn’t quite help when I was out in the open, in a tropical forest.

I was fretting how we would ever get to the carpark, when I realised…

We would be sent to the carpark by the buggy driven by the manager, so we wouldn’t get drenched by the heavy rain.

Cool or what?

I had never felt so near and exposed…. to such a heavy storm.

Mr Zerro dropped me off at the bus stop along Dunearn Road, and with my helmet and plastic bag of X-ray with me, I struggled to cup both my ears, and hail for a cab at the same time.

Thanks. It was such a pleasant dinner, and it was great conversing with ya. Treat shall be on me the next time round. Halia, alright?

I stood near to the curb, so that the cab drivers would notice me, and I would retract back into the bus stand whenever a merciless flash taunted me.

I didn’t know if I jumped, hopped, or cowered back into the shelter, but I am sure the other lady under the shelter with me was silently enjoying a comedy with me shuttling in and out of the rain like a panicky kitten.

Finally a cab stopped by when Nick called to check if I was on my way, since VampTreSS was with him at Far East Square.

I am not sure if I pouted and whimpered a ‘so scary…‘ to the cab driver or not.

I finally reached the familiar place after a while, and stood outside Oosters, making conversations with the familiar faces.

It was coincidentally, Indra’s birthday and I gave the birthday boy a big cuddle, as he had always been an ultimate sweetie when work was tough.

I finally ran over to the other side of Far East Square, where Nick and VampTreSS were already sitting at.

Brian joined us shortly after, and once everyone had took their place, I solemnly told them I had an important announcement to declare.

As they gave me their full attention, I took a deep breath in, ‘I am AIDS negative!‘.

I could hear, see, feel, taste the 3 of them rolling their eyes.

The significance of it, is that I would be able to collect my employment pass, you see.

Since there was nowhere we could get our drinks, Brian and I went to get drinks for the rest in the drizzle.

I must have been the active one for the night, and I just couldn’t sit still.

Before long, VampTreSS and I made another trip to 7-Eleven, and when we were strolling back, we saw an on-going event, and bumped into Airhole, who was helping out at the event.

We saw many girls who are nothing but legs. They have such gorgeous legs, which they showed off in cheongsams, that put me to shame.

I should, cower in shame, and wail in my inadequacies.

Later, the 2 guys we were with wanted us to help them get the mini soccer balls the event was giving out, and VampTreSS and I ventured into the event hall again.

E.I.C. was performing, but no one seemed to be paying attention to them. I stood before them, together with Airhole and VampTreSS, their only audiences.

As we sat down back with the guys again, we were away for quite a long period of time, and I was feeling increasingly tired.

Finally, we sat down to discuss some things that we had been wanting to discuss for a long while, and hopefully it will lead to something concrete.

And I really, really hope things will work out.

Shall not go into details just in case I might jinx it.

The night was going on pretty swiftly though we were trapped at where we were due to the showers.

Cold, but cosy.

I wish I wasn’t in a tube top though. It was.. cold.

***

The twist of the night came when we saw another familiar figure as VampTreSS and I walked to 7-Eleven to meet up with Jeff.

I was at a loss of words.

It was Roy.

Things got awkward.

Brian, Nick and I were pretty stunned, and since we were excusing ourselves to 7-Eleven just so coincidentally, the guys took much of the blunt of it when he asked them to take sides.

I got affected, I don’t know why.

It was… suffocating.

When we got back, he wanted to talk to her, and the 3 of us, scattered.

I found a remote corner, dark, deserted, no one, cold, and.. lonely.

There, I sat at the table, alone, deep in thoughts.

I guess I wasn’t the only one feeling affected. The other 2 just took it better and not knowing what to say either.

I just… couldn’t feel with the uneasiness, I think.

Don’t ask me why always feeling what people around me feel. I somehow just feel inadequate, feeling helpless.

Slowly, the other 2 joined me at the table, and we just.. stoned.

The 2 of them litted up.

I stared. Like a little girl fascinated.

Nick passed me one, and I started puffing away. I shouldn’t be. It brought back memories of when I was depressed, and a police detective had offered me a stick.

To me, fags and depression go together.

Friends know.

When I finally finished one whole stick by myself, I felt calmer, yet my hand was trembling. I didn’t feel better.

Was I intentionally destructing myself?

I have no idea.

SBB knew about it later on when I let known about it, and when I met him again, he smacked me and in a chirpy way, asked me why I did what I did.

I evaded the question in my usual kiddish sheepishness, burying the problem away by looking up in the sky, not knowing what he was talking about.

Anyway.

As the 3 of us sat there, drained, and overwhelmed by fatigue, their talks went on for 2 or more hours.

I didn’t want to go off, just in case.

And Nick got bored. He whipped out his camera. Since we were all tired and affected, we looked terribly ugly in all shots.

Brian asked why my helmet was with me, cos the 2 guys thought I was being a poser. Hello?!

And yes, I look terribly terrible.

But I still think my Valentino Rossi replica helmet is gorgeous, though Nick had called it ‘expensive cheap helmet’.

Okay, I don’t feel so bad after seeing this picture. Muahahahahahaha.

And we have Mr Evain-bottle-sucker looking.. erm..

How should I put it?

Nick commented in fits of giggles that Brian looked like he was *cough* indulging.

Now, we not only know how he looks like when he sucks(yes, kindly click, please. Office friendly!), but we also know how he looks like when he orgasms is on the receiving end.

I really, really don’t need to know. Really. *traumatise*

Things people do when they are bored.

Once again, what kind of friends have I gotten?

Now, I fear for my life, cos I posted their hideous pictures.

But, but, but *innocently pleading eyes* I also posted my ugly picture, so it’s fair, alright?

***

It was near 3 when I finally left for home in the cab, after VampTreSS assured me she would be alright.

Bushed, drained, exhausted.

***

Saturday, 29th.

As I mentioned, I met up with the gorgeous Wenmei, Roumin and Huiling for a singing session at 2 plus in the afternoon, at the tamed Tanjong Pagar, deprived of its usual fast-paced buzz on work days.

It meant I only had 5 hours of beauty sleep.

But it was nice seeing the pretty girlies again, since I hadn’t met up with them for the longest time.

It was plenty of inadequacies felt when all of them are working for big corporations, and talking about boyfriends who have stable careers, driving what-not cars, and speaking ceaselessly about their bliss, as they planned for their nuptials.

All 3 are younger than me, alright?

Am of course, very thrilled for them cos I can see how right their beaus are for them, just that, as I look inwardly, it was nothing but emptiness within.

Post singing session, Gary came to pick Wenmei up, and sent the 4 of us to town, to shop for a birthday present for Huiling’s boyfriend.

We even scurried in and out of branded boutiques like Gucci and Burberry, none of the above I could afford.

The best part was when I saw a white Gucci bag, and when I lugged it on my shoulder, the girls cooed how I could carry it off well and it was nice.

And yeap, it was one of the items I would be dying to get if I ever could afford. Not to say that I am brand conscious, but sometimes, there are some things you just adore. My weakness? Bags and watches.

But because of my inability to afford any of such, I don’t usually buy them, and would only browse.

I look at the price tag, $2, 120.

*Cough*

Um, I shall be contended with my $49 Mango suede bag.

Finally, we sat down for dinner at Orchard’s Coffee Club, and Roumin’s boyfriend, Ryan, joined us.

Since Huiling is with Coffee Club, our bill had a discount of 25%.

I felt a great need to be home.

I don’t know why. I just wanted to be home.

The girls kinda persuaded us enough to head to Dempsey for some red wine with them, but since I don’t drink alcohol, I declined.

It was then, they were jokingly saying that they would introduce guy pals to me, then did I agree to hang out a little longer.

Actually, no. Cos eventually the guy wasn’t going down and I still went down to join the girlies and their partners.

Until 10.30pm, when Huiling’s boyfriend came down to pick her up, did I bid the 2 couples goodbye, as Bernard gave me a lift to Bukit Batok, where I caught a cab home.

I felt nothing.. but.. emptiness.

Later was I informed, Eileen went down later with her guy pal, whom she had wanted to introduce to me.

This is a danger sign. When your friends try to set you up with guy pals, the alarm bells are ringing.

You are becoming an old hag. Unwanted old hag, I might add.

Ha.

***

Sunday. 30th.

I did a bit of reading, before I went to sleep at 4, waking up at 12 to realise, I had an incoming message that informed me that Sam and Chin Yee were meeting up at 12.30pm at Takashimaya.

And yes, I had slept through some missed calls.

And oh no, Sam would need to go off at 3pm to catch a plane back to KL.

Sam, was in town, and wanted to meet up with us.

Sam and Chin Yee, were my classmates in high school, and we endured through the gloomy London chills together for that one and half year.

I haven’t seen Chin Yee for half a year, and I had met up with Sam last year when he was in town for a short visit too.

I really adore them, cos it was always that same familiar feeling when we meet up.

Chin Yee was a banker, and had just left her job for greener pastures in management position in one of the big department stores in town.

I was closer to her during those days, and she is always a generous friend with her constant naggings and encouragements despite how different we are.

Sam? He is now the director of his dad’s company, and overseeing the factories in Guangzhou and Shanghai, and that’s why he is in China most of the time.

I heard from Sam that Ken Shin is now overseeing his dad’s business in KL, dealing with furnitures, and had just split with his 8 years girlfriend.

Another one of our cliques, Howe Szuan? He is now a market analyst, shuttling between New York, London, and all the different parts of the world after graduating from Yale.

Um yeah.

Lunch was Dim Sum at Crystal Jade Hu Cui, which I feel is a darn nice place for a meal.

I always have this warm and fuzzy feeling when I meet them, yet always, feel that strong sense of inadequacy… But I love them so!

Um… Sam’s friend, who is now doing his PhD in Nanyang Technological University. He was Sam’s classmate in King’s College when they were doing Mechanical Engineering.

I had fought to pay for the bill since I had really wanted to treat both Chin Yee and Sam despite being really broke. But since Chin Yee was adamant to treat Sam too, we splitted the bill.

(Oh! Sam’s friend happens to be Airhole’s friend!)

What a small world.

Right after lunch, I followed them into LV, Dior, Chanel, Fendi, and all the big brands, and I had a serious overdose, and chose to wait outside instead.

I shall not mention how I saw an elegant, classy, but yet sexy pair of shoes from LV, and Chin Yee was equally enticed by the same pair.

A check with the salesman. $1, 100.

*Cough*

2nd object of lust.

I shall not mention how I took up a Chanel bag and slung it over myself, and I was impressed how good it looked.. *cough* on me.

New arrival. $3, 200+, I was told.

Well done, Ting. You are a lady of expensive taste.

And yes, that was my final object of lust.

After dim sum, Chin Yee and I took a little time off to indulge in some Italian Gelato, and it was fabulous.

And I say it not because of my fetish for all things Italian.

But as I started to go around on my own to look for books, I started to get dizzy and faint from the nagging pain in my tummy.

Time to head home for some rest.

At least I have a bed to roll around on, which was exactly what I did, until the mail came in, which caused me to feel so inferior about myself that it drained the contractions in my tummy away.

I was just disappointed, that efforts to be open about who I am, is being judged, and otracised.

What is a merit of a friend to you, have you ever ask yourselves?

For me, genuinity means the world to me.

And sometimes, stereotyping and generalising of people, overwrite all merits of a person, and what you do, will never be enough.

It is no difference from the shallow people who go purely for looks, cos being pretty doesn’t mean a person is nice, just like how having a tattoo doesn’t mean a person is bad to begin with.

Perhaps, that is the precise reason why I am wary, and weary of people these days, and I am fiercely guarded.

Refusing rights to people who wanna penetrate my world.

I had been busy and emotionally tired. But, I will reply back, not to salvage a friendship nor to launch a tirade of words. What for eh?

But perhaps.. I don’t know, to give a different perspective of things?

***

I was reluctant to head out.

Until, Zerro had messaged me and asked me if I wanna be the stand-in for Mr Tetanus, his 1st choice Catherine Zeta-Jones.

I am 2nd best. *Sob sob*

But, something from him was meaningful, when I messaged to ask if I was that bad a friend.

‘Worlds can be bridged. Or people can cross over. We have our lives to learn. What it takes is not will… But empathy. If you understand and want to understand someone.. Then you can join them. If all you have is a will.. Then you cannot. Hence the distinction between upper class and noveau riche.‘

VampTreSS was persistent to get me out, so I wouldn’t be dwelling in those negative thoughts, alone at home.

Zerro had told me it was quite boring, and I was too stingy to part with 15 bucks, or the cab fare on top of that.

And I didn’t have any costume. I don’t want to spend any money on it either.

Suddenly, I recalled having a sari in my wardrobe, something I bought when I brought my students to an excursion in Little India 4 years go, when I was still teaching.

I bought it for 30 bucks, and changed into it immediately. I ended up spending my entire day teaching in the lovely piece.

I love it!

But, as much as I knew Deepavali was coming, I was heading for a Halloween’s Party not Deepavali event.

Zerro joked that I could go as an Indian goddess.

Alright.

Come to think of it, I have a kebaya too! And I have a set of SIA kebaya too. Plenty of school uniform too.

Gee.

Eventually, after lotsa deliberate delaying, I changed into it, still feeling a complete ruin.

I took out my makeup, and not knowing how to make myself look totally horrid.

I started to did some atrocious makeup on myself, and gave my lips a lick of blood-red lippy, which I had never done before.

I was quite pleased with the results in less than 10 minutes.

I headed out of home.

Had wanted to draw a dark trail of tears, but I didn’t want to scare the general public.

I joked with them that I was dressing up as an Indian goddess who killed herself just to be closer to the Halloween’s theme.

Eventually when I got there, I realised dressing up wasn’t that necessary. *roll eyes*

Saw Sandra, who was dressed as an Arabian princess, and I didn’t realise how our outfits had matched. Hadn’t seen her for a long while, and she suggested to have a picture taken together.

Halfway through the event, I felt someone hugging me from the back, and planted a little kiss on my neck.

Just as I turned, I realised the one who planted the kiss of death, was, yes, Sandra.

Aren’t you guys just so jealous?

Hurhurhur.

Yes… Fat. I shall never reveal my tummy again.

The very hot and sexy Nana.

Hey babe, it was so great to see you again.

The very lovely Mandrake was dressed as Pimp Daddy, and his outfit was just so nice. We tried to act as if we were his courtesans.

He’s one of the nicest guys around.

Perhaps my mind wasn’t really at the event, I didn’t enjoy myself as I should.

Zerro had tried to sabotage me to bid for an auction for King Meng, to raise fund for charity, but muahahaha, he was counter-sabotaged when LMD and I had pointed to him when someone saw a raised hand(which was mine).

And yes, I had the honour to meet LMD, and I was actually, jittery.

She is cute and she dances hot! And I actually.. stammered.

And it was when the music was loud, when everyone was having ridiculous fun that I started to feel inadequate again.

A misfit, I felt.

And feeling the blood draining away from me(quite literally and metaphorically), I just sat there, and a tear, found its way out, and escaped from the duct.

I sat there, motionlessly, and more came. Freely, and rebelliously.

Darn. I was crying in the middle of nowhere. I stood up, I walked around, I was still tearing.

I sat down, and someone was walking towards me, I turned my head. Darn. The person next to me saw it.

Darn. Darn. Darn.

Janise took a napkin, and hushed me, wiping away the straying makeup.

It was supposed to be ruined, anyway. But it was intact because VampTreSS had forbade me to add a darkened trail of tear I had wanted to dab on earlier.

VampTreSS asked if I had wanted to go.

I had. But, I didn’t want to be confronted by quietness.

So there, I sat, slightly daze, watching the crowd going crazy, guys jumping onto girls, girls jumping onto guys, girls stripping off guys’ top, and people dirty dancing.

I danced with my closest friends and slithered up to some babes, who were really hot on the dancefloor. My pleasure to meet many nice people in one night.

I had my clueless and bimbo moment when one of them, had responded that he reads my blog, and had asked for my phone, so he could key in my number.

I walked away and went to grab my phone, and then I forgot why I took out my phone for!

I sat there with my phone in my hands, and not knowing what to do with it.

It was when I left, then I realised I didn’t go back to the guy and he might have thought that I was being really rude.

Woooops.

Sorry. But now, I finally know who you are! Muahaha.

But it was hilarious.

I met someone who had came up to me to say hi at Hideout once, and I started a 5 minute conversation with him. He had recognised me when I was with FF and Gavin, and it was during a time when I had yet to reveal my face.

He was really cold this time round, and I had thought he was angry with me. It was then, he asked who I am.

I was rather taken aback, and I looked at him quizzically.

Few failed attempts to grasp that I was saying ‘Scarlett Ting’ into his ears, he asked me how do I spell it.

I finally did. And he gasped, ‘You are Scarlett Ting? Huh? Oh my God! I didn’t recognise you?! You slim down a lot, is it?‘

……………..

Okay, this is odd.

Ah 9, you need new glasses!

And he wasn’t the only one.

Some time ago, when I was hanging out at Hideout with Vamp and FF, someone saw me leaving and had thought he recognised me.

He blogged about it.

And he added me onto MSN, and we chatted.

I stood right in front of him that night and waved.

He started asking who I am, and when he failed to recognise me, I thought I got the wrong person and was embarrassed.

Even more so when he had looked at me, puzzled, and asked if I had too much a drink.

Eventually, a friend of his, heard my introduction, and went, ‘It’s Scarlett Ting!’

He did a double take and was like ‘Ooooooooooops!‘ and I started thinking how odd it is when all the people who had met me before, recognised me before I even posted my pictures, had failed to recognise me.

And yes FEY, I am talking about you.

When I had looked the prettiest:

But darn, I swear not to reveal my navel when I am this fat.

Ah 9, who had the audacity not to recognise me even after 5 minutes of conversation, and me.

I am too lazy to crop away the bulging tummy. So yeap.

Janise, my darling, and I.

Seriously I didn’t take much pictures, so I would just post whatever people had taken of me.

My Jan is so hot.

Pole dancing.

I don’t know why I look so haughty in the picture either.

It was nice seeing people I had met before again, though I didn’t really have the chance to catch up with them again.

And I was a real clumsy sight when Zerro was trying to teach me Ceroc. I stepped all over his toes, and was looking too clueless, clumsy and ditzy that I could only giggle my way through.

I tried meddling with his fencing sword and realise I would never be able to make it as a fencer.

***

I made a fast escape as the last song aired its last beat.

I didn’t want to socialise, or some sort, I think.

So we made our way to River Valley, Spize Cafe.

SBB, the moron, had asked me over and over where is Spize Cafe, and I was quite sure he had been there before. When I finally said it was the one near River Valley, he went, ‘River Valley say River Valley, what Spize Cafe?! Tsk tsk!.‘

!!!!!!!

Lame bid to sound intelligent, but failed!

As we sat there, I was glad I was out of my sari.

The server, who was nicknamed my Bollywood lover by VampTreSS, after how he had hit on been very nice to me the previous time round.

I didn’t think he would recognise me cos my makeup was atrocious and I had bunned up my hair.

The previous time, I was without a hint of makeup, and was in my glasses.

But, uhoh, he did recognise me, and was flashing me his megawatt smiles, which VampTreSS and Jeff couldn’t stop teasing me about.

Well done.

SBB’s friend was there too, and I had thought he was someone who looked like SBB’s friend, until he looked at me with the same curious look on his face.

Eventually, we realised it was indeed each other, and he came over to say hi.

Introduced him to Jeff and VampTreSS.

I might have something else planned for the next few months, with Jeff’s help. So who knows, something might indeed come my way.

It was late, when I finally boarded the cab home, leaving myself with the most dangerous person — myself.

I was chatting a friend whom I deem close.

It was after cut number 5.

I felt exasperated as if she didn’t quite understand. She had attributed most things to SBB, and it was of no connections at all.

It made me feel even more inadequate. More misunderstood than I had felt for the entire day.

I felt trapped after the talk with her.

I went for my shower.

Just before that, it was back to the blade. Frustration. Angry with myself.

And the deepest cut, sliced.

***

It is almost 12 noon, and I still can’t get to sleep.

Had spent earlier of the day on MSN, and the Spanish cutie was online. Toni.

Sometimes, I really wonder, when will they ever take people around them seriously, and will they put in the effort to know a person beyond looks and sex.

It’s cool to know them, but I would really love to go beyond the surface and know a person’s character, rather than what he is known for.

Read, write and think had upset my sleeping pattern.

And it’s no good considering how I had to help out a friend today in the evening.

***

You found me, didn’t you?

Yes, I know.

I am a girl with issues.

I am, yes, that girl.