When SBB called me earlier this evening, I didn’t pick up my house phone despite its constant ringing.

It was 8 plus and I was napping, and another reason is, I had a bad premonition that there is going to be an unwelcomed phone call today.

Blardy hell.

How right I was.

I don’t mean to be rude, but my auntie, no no, not my Min Min’s kor kor’s mum, but her sister, my 2nd auntie.

And she had called all the way from…. the States.

And well done, it disrupted my CSI: New York Season 2 on AXN, and my Singapore Idoits rerun on Channel 5.

When I politely said something about me doing some work, she, like my eldest aunt, just didn’t know when to stop.

And I tell you, it evolved into a 2 hours debate over religion.

And yes, she is the same as my eldest aunt, trying to convert me to their God-knows-what-the-hell religion, and this time, I decided to use all the civility in me, and politely told her my stand, and that as much as I respect her beliefs, I hope she gives me some leeway to mine too.

She tried to get me recite the 6-words prayers of her religion, which I declined, citing that I have my belief in God, and nothing is going to change that.

She then went on for 2 hours, telling me I was clouded by some kind of ‘5 poisons’, and that we consist of 3 lives, our past live, our present life, and our next.

So ah, I started saying, jokingly saying that I think for the bitch one who will be my next life, tough luck, cos whatever bad things I do this life, the karma shall be hers.

Not that I believe in the 3 cycles that she said.

She then started saying that how can I refuse to believe her religion when I don’t know anything about it.

And I have to know the ‘truth’.

Uhm, I think I grew up with it since I was 5, you know?

Then she started saying something about this new movie in the theatre where Jesus and Virgin Mary(yes, she got it wrong) had a child.

Oh well done! I am sure she knows something about my religion and that’s why she doesn’t believe.

Anyway, I tried my very best to tell her it is getting nowhere, and she really doesn’t have to convince me.

And she tried to tell me how my mum’s life improved.

I laughed.

Then I told her my mum’s predicament, and then she mumbled something about my mum didn’t practise what is taught in their religion.

Ha. Ha.

Not once I tried to end the conversation nicely, and then she started to play counsellor, and then insinuating that I am not righteous enough to stand up for my mum.

She had told me to be ‘impartial’ and judge from an adult point of view, apparently implying that I shouldn’t side with my dad, who is her brother.

I laughed and told her how she was wrong to think of that.

Anyway, I just feel that it is frustrating because it was obviously going nowhere, and I told her she shouldn’t quote out of context from the Bible, because obviously she doesn’t know anything about it, at all, despite claiming she does.

She then said we worship a man tied on the cross, and idolise the cross. Truth is, we don’t. We don’t idolise any item.

And gee, I am impressed by my own diplomatic serious talk tone when I blabbered in Mandarin, which on hindsight, made perfect sense.

And I kept my cool and gave her all the respect I could muster, which is no mean feat for 2 hours, alright?

I told her even though I might not do the correct things I should do as a Christian, and I feel accountable, but I cannot say it is because I am a Christian and that’s why I am so screwed.

And then I told her how my mum shouldn’t blame life and everyone around her, cos she could have left my dad and have me on her own, without using me to tie a man down.

I told her, if I were my mum, I would rather give birth to the child on my own, be a single mother, be independent, rather than making a man who doesn’t love her be responsible.

She made him unhappy. Made me unhappy. And made herself unhappy.

And now, she is so reliant on him that he could just ignore her, and she would feel helpless without maintanence help and such at her apartment.

Then, she would be so hung up over his frivolous, indecent, disgusting affairs, that she took it out on everyone around her.

Hello?

What do you expect?

He wasn’t even your man to begin with.

You know how he was like.

He probably didn’t even want me.

You know he just wanted a shag with no liabilities.

You know he would just want to shag anyone else.

You should have seen what was coming.

And you should have just walked away with me.

I told auntie all of the above and that she should have just moved on, with me, and survived on her own, regardless how hard it was. Perhaps, it would be easier for her to cope with when and how he chooses to throw a tantrum and walk away.

My auntie started going on and on about sympathising with my mum, and I said, don’t sympathise her, help her walk out of it.

And good hor, marry American. Can call 2 hours to someone whom you never chatted to on the phone before. Yes, that was the 1st time she called me, and I think like sister, like sister.

She is just like my eldest aunt.

Even when I said something that made sense, they will come up with some weird senseless rebuttal out of nowhere, and I would be left wondering, ‘eh, where did that come from?’.

Then she started teaching me on how to maintain harmony in my household. Thank you, you might want to talk to the 2 others who are not doing their parts.

Damn scary.

***

I woke up feeling like shit today.

I didn’t go to work today.

I didn’t manage to sleep on either.

I am becoming couch potato, and SBB threatened to call me potato instead of sweets/sweetie next time.

Then I suggested that he could call me sweet potato.

And he went ‘I might as well call you Yam for short.’

Huh?

‘Why yam?’

‘Yam is sweet potato what?’

‘Hello?! You never eat bobo chacha before? The purple one is yam, orange one is sweet potato!’

I…. don’t know what to say about this man.

***

I walked out twice for lunch and dinner today. Chanced upon a neighbour who asked me about, gasp gasp, my ex.

I told her briefly what I remember of the ex’s recent updates, and failed to mention that we had broken up for almose, 2 years.

Ah well. Sometimes I am just lazy to explain things heh.

***

I got home late yesterday.

I bumped into an ex-classmate, Shini, yesterday, but didn’t have the time and chance to really catch up.

***

I struggled through work yesterday but it was Nick’s birthday eve and I met up with the guys.

Kind Kelvin picked me up near my workplace and picked Vamp up thereafter.

We went down to Ubi to meet Nick and Boon, and I took a powernap in the car whilst they sat around the bike shop.

It was Great World city thereafter.

Tired. Don’t want to blog now.

I had meant to blog for the longest time, but since it was my last production week last week, I could hardly surface for a breather.

For those who still have no idea, I work in gaming-related field, writing lousy reviews and articles(events coverage) for print, and website.

But as the Friday ended, peas of tears almost streamed down my face as I yelled out a cheer of relief.

***

Today, I felt the first taste of defeat in recent months.

Utterly, utterly, defeated.

By helplessness.

I took almost 2 hours to reach work today, instead of the usual peasy half an hour.

I boarded the usual train, but realised it was horribly packed with children and their parents, and it hit me: School holidays have started.

The horrors!

As I leaned against the glass by the doorside, it was merely after a stop, before I saw black peas of spots tainting my vision.

I could hardly breathe.

2 stops after Chinese Garden, at Clementi, I wobbled my way out of the sliding doors, and darted to the nearest seat.

I still felt incredibly uncomfortable.

I wished I could just lie down on the bench, or prop my legs up.

I didn’t.

Another train came along, equally packed, and I hopped onto it, with a pea of hope that it would bring me further, and I wouldn’t have to succumb to a cab.

Wrong move.

The next stop was barely a minute away, and I zoomed out of it as the dark, spotty vision returned.

Dover.

I could hear the humming in my ears as I leaned against the pealar, sitting on the bench.

It couldn’t go on like this, could it?

The next train came, and I started to feel that it was almost impossible for me to board it with an available seat.

I staggered to the escalator, making sure I grabbed the handle tight enough before I got to the station control.

The walk to the exit was like miles to me.

When I finally crossed it, my EZlink card had -$0.21.

Bugger.

I hoped to find an ATM. Ah-hah! There was one.

But it was a PeaOSB, and I couldn’t use it.

I bought a drink with the bare cash I had on me, and contemplated my next step as my vision blurred again.

I took an escalator down to the bus stop cos that was the sole place that would offer some rest for my peatiful feet.

As I sat on the sleek, black tiled seat, I felt a sudden ache to my tummy, and the bench looked inviting enough for me to lie down across on it.

I started to get worried.

But, the idea was hardly appealing when I am actually in a dress.

And I had no cash. So cab is out of the question.

I was on the opposite side of the road where it would bring me home, and taking a bus/taking a cab home wasn’t viable either. I could barely walk.

I tried calling out to Danny.

But, darn, my brilliant mobile provide, yes, the red scum, has no coverage at Dover MRT station!

Are they pea brains? I mean, hello? It is such a desserted place ya know? What if someone is mobbed or something? How do they even call out to the police when there’s an emergency or such?

In my state of trance, I boarded a bus that would bring me to town. My retarded reaction was kindly met by an incredibly nice bus uncle as he waited patiently for me to stagger up the bus.

I remember him with spots of blacks. My vision had mosaiced him.

I dropped the only coins I had in my wallet. One by one, slowly.

Until, the uncle abrupt, “Okay okay! Enough, more than enough already” and he printed a $1.80 ticket for me.

I went to the seat at the furthest end of the double-decker bus, and propped my leg up immediately as I seated myself comfortably.

I didn’t know where I was heading either. I called up Danny to make sure he was keeping track of my whereabouts.

As I was on the bus, I thought to myself, who could I call for help.

No one.

Even if I do call for help, what kind of help should I ask for?

For someone to wait for me by the road to pay for my cab fare? For someone to pea-ck me up from wherever I was?

I don’t know.

It was almost an hour later, before I finally greeted the harsh sun as I alighted.

I zombie-walked to the office, with the humming in my ears still audible.

I made it.

I felt so….. helpless.

So peatiful.

And thus, as everyone leaves for lunch, I am holing up in the office, cos the walk is too… excruciatingly far for me.

So munching on my peanut biscuits, I am.

And if you ask me why am I still in office today.. I don’t know. I didn’t feel unwell when I left today. And I wouldn’t want to faint at home without anyone knowing.

And did I mention how irritating is the drilling from the floor above? Stupead renovation works.

***

My eventless weekends finally had a spark of life.

I caught Da Vinci Code with 2 colleagues on Friday evening.

Imagine that we had left office only at 6.20pea.m when the movie was at, yes, 6.20pea.m.

We pea-rced through the evening/weekend crowd, and dashed to Marina Square and was 20 minutes late for the opening.

I doubt we missed much though with the extensive trailers and commercials airing in the theatre.

I… prefer the book, obviously. Much details were left out. But nonetheless, it is always a joy to watch Tom Hanks at it.

Besides, with the British actors(yes yes, I love British actors) in the show, I was enjoying it.

***

Got home before midnight on Friday night, watched plenty of television.

***

Woke up on Saturday feeling lazy.

Yet, with my weekend cleaner dropping by, I thought things would be better.

But… no!

I left the house at 4 plus to drop by Eileen’s place to visit Rene, and to drop off something for Cat’s baby shower so Eileen could help me pass to Cat.

I left fresh bedsheets on my bed and told her to change the bedsheets for me before I dashed out of home.

***

I spent some time catching up with Eileen, played with the little chubby darling(she’s soooooooo cute!), had dinner with Eileen and Dave, and spoke to SBB over the phone for a while.

It was like.. so mundane, yet.. filled with such simple peace.

***

I got back home to find a pool of water on the master bedroom’s bathroom floor.

After the weekend help had washed the bathroom floor, she didn’t bother to sweep the water from the sides into the drainage, nor did she mop it up, and had expected evaporation to do its magic.

I went to my bathroom, and was appalled to find a thick layer of white powder on the floor even thought it was dry.

Detergent.

She would sprinkle lots of them on the floor, and the use the shower hose to spray on the floor, without scrubbing nor sweeping it with the broom, hence, the residue from the detergent was still there when the floor dried.

Uhm. Okay.

It was late into the night, when I found my bedsheets not fitted properly.

Well, you know, the corners of the bedsheets should fit snugly to the corner? I am not being anal, but when it is not fitted nicely, it bunches up at some places, and it would be uncomfortable.

So I unfitted one corner to refit the other corner.

To my utmost horror, I found my previous bedsheet still underneath the new one!

She had just slotted the bedsheet over the old one, instead of taking out the old one and slot in the new one.

I mean, does she have a pea for brain? It is.. obviously common sense(correct me if I am wrong)?

So just when I thought I could have some rest, I unslotted the entired bedsheet, remove the old one, and slotted in the new one.

And then.. I realised both peallow cases are fitted inside-out.

Grr….

***

My pea needs some attention.

I had been incredibly in need of some lovey-dovey throughout the weekend.

But of course, I got none.

***

I dozed off in between television programs on Saturday.

Woke up on Sunday at 3 and rang Eileen.

She was at Kitty’s baby shower which I had to miss because I had attended a wake few weeks ago.

It was raining too.

I met up with Meiling for a dinner non Sunday night, catching up on the nitty-gritties of our lives.

It is amazing to see how 4 months could change a lot of things.

The last time I saw her was 4 months ago, and it was also 4 months ago when I last shopped for myself.

I have an incredible itch to shop… but for what? I know not.

***

Got back.

Watched TV.

Spoke to SBB.

Slept at 3am.

Oh joy.

Such great joy is my life.

I have much to blog about which I have yet to catch up with.

No worries, I am sure you can expect more coming from me in next week or so.

This week I will be working from Monday to Sunday.

Oh. Great joy.

Oh, did I mention my pea needs some TLC?

Oh yea.

(Sorry to the girls with the missing peas out there. I got pea! I got pea!)

*Sneeze* Cotton *cough* bud.

Jolene
Finicky Feline
Barffie
Mei
Rosalind
Minishorts
Jane Doe
Sassyjan

The tension was peaking when I left office today.

I just needed to get out, as I felt as if I couldn’t breathe today.

When you have 9 or 10 people in the room, and something goes wrong, the mounting tension just adds some kind of gloom to the already-stifling room.

And how do you write when it is hardly stimulating?

I don’t know, I am having the mother of all writer’s block.

Even chocolate didn’t help, and I feel my head almost exploding.

The episode in the office this evening was…. potentially damaging, and that, explains for the tension.

Hopefully something constructive will come out from tonight.

I haven’t been feeling too good, with the family tension mounting to an all-time high as well.

Strangely, this is the 1st time in my life I feel I have a part to play as a mediator.

Sucky.

I am not sure if I am deluded, distant, or just numbed. Cos somehow, I am not feeling that much stress as I should, though it does irk me that the problems just seem overflowing and never-ending.

I should be glad they didn’t all come at the same time, and I could tackle one before moving on to the next.

And maybe that’s why, the core hurdle is the least of my worries now.

Hectic Monday, and I am trying to search for some statistics which no one has an idea where I could fish them from.

I am not sure what is going on in me right now. Not literally, but well, you know, the stirrings of emotions from nowhere.

But I am glad. I no longer bawl(bleargh! Wimp!) in front of my monitor, which I had done almost everyday for past 2 weeks over various reasons, and could gather some concentration, gather some smiles for my colleagues(oh gosh, Danny had been mistreated by me for the longest time) for the upcoming deadline.

There is a strange whiff of suspicion that I was slightly sabotaged by the notorious backstabber of the office.

I am lazy to explain why. But ah well.

Anyway, I was watching television when the NUS ad tickled me.

Must be written by a Singaporean male, or someone who has never been to Singapore.

I mean, who is the freaking sane mind, would ever add in what the mum said to her daughter, ‘Oh and I heard the guys in Singapore are too cute for my liking.’

What the…….

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Liar.

Either that, or it was subtle sarcasm at its best.

***

I have 2 more people sharing the office which is smaller than my room(maybe half the size of my very small room)!

And that means I now have 8 guys surrounding me, fighting for the bare oxygen here.

***

You know what is the contradiction of life?

I know it well.

***

Anyway, I feel how it is like to be sucked dry by a vampire.

I had 4 vials of blood drawn today.

4!!!!!!!!

I mean, hello? You know how in CSI, people just need a drop of blood to do ALL sorts of tests and they can find the perpetrators?

Why would they need not 1, but 4 vials of my blood?

I was like, huh?

I saw how the needle pierced in, and my blood flowed in swiftly to fill the 1st vial.

I was surprised when the 2 vial was plucked in, and the blood flow crawled.

Then, the 3rd, and I saw how it was struggling to milk me dry.

Then I don’t know how, the nurse tweaked the needle a little, and the 4th vial was filled with lightning speed, with the blood pouring in within a second.

I am dry now.

Damage? Bruised arm and 300 bucks.

***

A not-so-good news greeted me when I was online today, post lunch.

A colleague of mine who announced she’s pregnant some weeks ago had went for a checkup today, and the doctor told her that the baby didn’t grow, and doesn’t have a heartbeat.

She had tried for this baby for a while, and had hoped for a girl.

That, meaning she would either have a miscarriage soon, or that she needs an abortion to get it out.

She should be 3 months now if everything had gone well.

She is not feeling too well over the entire episode, and I wish I could say something comforting, but sometimes, I really do not know how to handle such situations, but to be here, if she wants to talk to someone.

Be strong, lady.

Uncle Dangerousgases(who had since stopped blogging) and I met up for supper at the coffeeshop nearby last night at around 10.30pm, after I had slugged enough under my duvet(I napped again!).

I recalled how when he just shifted into this estate with his sisters, I had read his blog and thought the description of the neighbourhood and view was too familiar to miss.

And since he was already in the biking community, I already knew what bike he was riding.

Not to mention that he hails from the same country as I do.

Few days after he became my neighbour, I was taking the bus one day when I noticed the bike exiting out of the estate, and confirmed my speculation.

I left a message on his blog and he mistook me to be a stalker.

Muahahahaha!

So he became my supper kaki.

We decided to take a walk out for porridge, and we took a longer route back when I had wanted to withdraw some money.

I was walking past the bus stop a stop away from my estate when I heard someone calling out for me.

To my absolute horror, I saw my new colleague standing there with his girlfriend.

He asked me what was I doing in the area, and I thought the question was quite atrocious.

I stay here obviously!

Apparently, he stays in the same estate as well! I found yet another neighbour! Woohoo!

We ahhhhh-ed over the coincidences, and I realised he was the only colleague I had yet to ask where he stays cos he had just joined us.

If I hadn’t walked the longer route, if he didn’t alight one stop later to head to the petrol kiosk, I might never know.

Talk about eerie coincidences.

Saturday night continued with midnight 3-legged mahjong with Kheong and Alvin, and they were fabulous people to be playing mahjong with.

There were lotsa squeals when I did my stupid strategies, and exasperating gasps from them when I threw the most dangerous cards out.

It was fun company as we laughed through most of the evening.

It was 3 when I finally head home.

I woke up with the sky overcasted today, and was too lazy to drag myself to church.

Bad, bad, girl.

Alright. Now it’s time for me to indulge in some DVD on a lazy Sunday afternoon…

And a very happy birthday to Cat, the new mum!

Now she has Kitty to spend her birthday with her too, how sweet…

May you be happy, blissful, and pretty as always, and Kitty will grow up healthy and filial under Ben and your tender loving care. *Hug*

Angry. The freaking Firefox hung on me just when I was concluding this entry.

***

Today is a Saturday I woke up with a series of bizarre dreams, weird dreams, awkward dreams, kinky dreams, dreams after dreams… a long dream that had its sweetness, heartbreaks, and all elements of emotions.

Of people, of situations, of incidents, of things.

SBB was in it most of the time, and it is amazing how the dream continued itself whenever I took a pee break in the midst of my long, fulfilling rest.

Everything felt surreal when I finally opened my eyes, and just as I checked the time on my phone when I awoke, the male lead of the dreams rang me right then.

***

What is absolutely bizarre is when you attend a meeting you don’t have to be there, and then hit off well with one of the Battlefield 2 player over pizza and small chats.

And then, he calls you a mad woman with your kooky antics, and says you remind him of a friend who goes to church, aged 25. You bicker back at his obvious sissiness.

You reply you are of the same age, and you could be his friend.

He then takes a neo-print(!!) out with his friend on it, and shows you his friend, and you randomly ask him what church his friend is from.

FGA, he says, and you coolly say, ‘Oh, thats my church too. If your friend goes to youth services, I might have met her before cos I used to join the youth for a while.’

He freezes and stares at you in horror.

He then announces he is from FGA, and is of the youth. He rattles off names and people whom you once mixed with.

And then, you guys speak of common experiences, like that of the church camp, Garry’s wedding, and the youth’s retro party.

It is nauseating when you realise your paths did cross, just that you guys don’t remember each other.

Then the 2 of you just squeal and cringe over the quaint coincidences and

Of course, he then decides he shall drag you back to church.

God, you really do have a wry sense of humour.

Worst part?

He was going back to church after the meeting last night, and brought a copy of this month’s magazine with him.

Inside, has non-church friendly material of yours truly.

***

I reached back home after the meeting at 9pm yesterday. I holed up under the duvet, and watched TV program after program, musing how my duvet, baby pillow and bed are the best things ever invented.

I am just too lazy and too stingy to be heading out of home these weekends, hoping to save on my expenses with more economical options, like, being a couch potato. It also replenishes the rest I so need over the week.

How nice, I like.

***

Thursday was awful. When your colleagues decided to sabotage you to sit near to the disgusting one in the office(he spits his food when he talks loudly over lunch), you could almost see the conspiracy brewing when your original seat was taken up by someone else who looked up to you and flashed the most mesmerising smile ever.

I had no choice. Boohoohoo.

And you could see the sniggers from everyone when you threw a menacing you-guys-are-good stare at them.

I could almost scream murder!!

***

Thursday kicked off with an awful note.

It could have been worse with what I did. Or if I didn’t do what I did, much much worse.

Oddly, it didn’t go either way, much to my surprise.

Strange, it is way too strange.

***

Wednesday was a long, long day.

So long that, it was almost… neverending.

By the time the night ended, my eyes and I were totally overwhelmed by fatigue.

I reached home, battered, and bushed.

My body got tired of the intense battling.

I felt as if I was left with last ounce of my energy as my breaths turned shallow.

But, it was the first night in a long, long while, that I finally slept. Slept well.

Deep sleep.

It was surreal.

I didn’t know I have to be so maxed out to finally sleep. Or was it a relief that finally brought me some peace?

***

So last Saturday I was at work.

I promised pictures eh?

It was the 1st time in 2 months I bothered to look more presentable as I headed out since it was a company event.

It did make me feel better, because I feel slightly better when I look better.

Yet I was still tired.

So besides mingling with the crowd, talking to people, I didn’t feel like taking much pictures.

Anyway, here are a couple. The 2 bikini babes at the Xbox 360 event.

And…

The babes and hunks. This is the only group picture that turned out nice actually.

Thanks Vamp and Chrissy with their help at the event, and the brilliant girls who charmed their ways through the gamers’ hearts with their pleasant personality and mesmerising smiles.

Sara, Me and VampTreSS chilling at the event.

I look hamsup, I know. My toyboys, all! I fat ah?

They all got nice bods, you know?

The usual kiss-goodbye at the door lasted longer than usual this morning.

***

No, I didn’t get my fix of Delifrance sandwich yesterday, because they had ran out of crossiant and french loaf. And they didn’t have any pastries either.

Arghhhhh.

I was incredibly whiney and was on the verge of tearing. I sulked. And I sulked bad.

He bought instant noodles and eggs though, but I thought it was too late for me to cook my f-up egg.

SBB finally appeased the grouchy one with a midnight walk to the nearby coffeeshop, and accompanied her through her meal of porridge.

She was reluctant to walk cos it was too tiring. But she missed having a stroll at night.

But it was a nice, midnight stroll. Slowed paces, and absolute quietness except for our bickerings.

Miraculously, the whinings stopped automatically right after the tummy was filled.

***

Back in the hall, he was busy with his stuff, when he randomly skim through certain stuff I had written about him.

Smack!

Ouch. He had smacked me on the bum and gave me a vicious stare. I took a peek and realised immediately what he had read. The guilty me tried sneaking up to get away from the couch as I giggled….

Muahahahahahahahaha.

Wooops.

I made a dash to the bedroom when he had reached out to grab me by the arm.

Uh-oh.

He firelifted me onto his shoulder and I could feel my porridge mixing up pretty well internally.

He let me down after I had fought hard to be let down, but had pinned me to the floor, and grabbed my feet and tickled my weakest spot. Basket. I kicked hard for my survival as he laughed evil-ly at my misery and my screams for help.

I tried to remedy by offering a kiss, and he had ungentlemanly refused my offer.

Hmphf….

***

Frankly, the magic of words seem to elude me again.

And it is applicable to almost all aspects of my life when words are necessary to get me by.

I have much to express, but I just cannot feel the flow…. as if something is choking my thoughts, muffling the screams within.

I want to write something beautiful today, but like an untuned piano, everything is coming out distorted. No beauty, no grace, no soul. No matter how much I let my fingers run freely on the keyboard.

***

Something in my clicked today, and I was tempted to read back this post I had written almost a year ago.

The one about the pebbles.

I realise why.

I need to bend over to pick up the brittle pieces of pebbles that are chiselled off me, once again.

And back to the well, I am so familiar with, yet so fearful, resentful of.

Piece by piece, bit by bit, part of me, shall slip into the abyss.

***

I slept most of my today away. Slept close to 6, woke up at 10 plus. Napped from 2pm-5pm, napped from 8.45pm-10pm.

Yes, Miss Ting not feeling well. Off.

Dad came back and saw me cooking instant noodles, before he whisked me to the coffeeshop for a proper meal.

***

I don’t mean to be cryptic these days, but much can’t be said to spare a thought for people around me.

I wish I could be raw and upfront again, really. Work is not an excuse for me not writing that much, because I know it is just that how words are not coming to me as easily as before, that is making me fearful of writing.

And sometimes, words are scary. They dig deep. They remind you of things you don’t want to remember.

I am not joking when most of these days pass when my mind is in a complete blank, and the balance is badly screwed cos when I let it cruises, it will be overwhelmed by so many things that are threatening to drown me.

And that accounts for some of the sleepless nights despite me being totally and absolutely consumed by fatigue.

Results?

Longer days, more fatigue.

***

There was a period of time, I found myself unable to cry. I didn’t allow myself to cry. It was perhaps the most excruciating period of my life.

Days ago, he told me, ‘Dysfunctional tearducts suck.‘

Indeed so.

Yet, when I do succumb to a good bawling session, I always get angry with myself at the end of the entire episode, because it is like admitting a side of me I hate to concede to.

Pride oh pride.

Tissue paper expensive, ya know?

***

It is almost 1am. I am kept up yet again with an overstuffed mind.

Just had a lengthy webcam session with SBB. Webcams are fun(not in that way though it can be too).

***

I feel fat. Bleargh.

***

We cuddled under the duvet and I like the gentle pecks and light rubs of noses as I tucked myself snugly in his embrace.

We were watching some adult videos(yeap, Japanese ones, no less), and before long, it was full-blown hanky-panky for us, and I hardly had eyes for the moaning beings in the video.

I felt the softness of his skin against mine, and the touch of his slightly chilled fingers tingled me.

I was on top of him when I trailed my tongue down his ear lobes, tracing down his arched neck before I came to a halt.

I stopped. To take one good look of him, with the computer screen illuminating his face and torso.

I bend down and pressed my lips against his, with his face in my palms….

Both of us didn’t last long. It was rather sizzling for me, in fact.

The moment he turned me over to the ever-familiar position, I just wanted him to cuddle me tight.

I adore the intimacy, the tight arms wound around me, the nibblings on my neck and his hand, on mine.

We came together, last night.

It meant something to me.

***

I fell asleep in his arms as I clung on tightly onto him, my head on his shoulder.

I hadn’t for a while, cos I would end up tossing and turning away somehow.

I had fallen asleep promptly, something that hadn’t happened to me in a while.

I woke up to find myself still in his arms.

It meant something to me.

***

He had woken up early and I continued sleeping, feeling a tad sick.

I went back to sleep and woke up not seeing him on the bed.

In my semi-consciousness, I searched to the hall for him. He was there.

I must have said something and did my baby pout for him to bring his read into the room instead.

I burrowed into his chest with the duvet over my head, like an insecure child. He cuddled me and was amused.

Sickly people always feel needy, you see.

He put down his magazine shortly after and tried to get back to sleep.

I laid on his shoulder yet again, and fell asleep.

I dreamt. I dreamt of him. And I was jolted awake.

He didn’t manage to fall asleep, and was leaving.

I got him into bed, for 10 minutes of cuddles and hugs, as I dwelled in his warmth.

I held him close, I held him tight.

For a long, long while.

It meant something to me.

***

I woke up, walked him to the door, and spontaneously asked him for his phone.

I wanted to take some pictures, in my dishevelled state.

We did, before he left.

***

Standing at the door, I clung on to his shoulders as I gave him a lingering goodbye hug.

I held on to him longer than usual.

He brought me close, and offered more comfort.

I kissed him a little longer than usual.

He leaned in.

I grabbed his hand tighter than usual.

He held it.

I seldom say it, but I did, as I kissed him at the back of his neck.

‘I’ll miss you.’

It meant something to me.

***

I have no idea why, but the song ‘Goodbye my Lover’ replayed itself incessantly throughout, from the moment I walked him to the hall.

Just as he was leaving, he sensed something wasn’t quite right when I stuffed him through the door.

A single trail of tear had betrayed me.

I don’t know why, either.

I am not supposed to.

He closed the door I held open, and pursued for a reason.

Maybe he was just lame, maybe he was just insensitive, maybe he just wanted to be politically correct…. ‘Why you cry with only one eye?’

The tear had slided down from my right eye.

I didn’t answer, trying to muster a giggle.

He hugged me and I cried more.

It is a no-no to cry in front of a lover.

He held my face, ‘Are you afraid that I might leave you or something?‘

‘No, anyway, even if you do, it is okay.‘

‘Don’t worry, I won’t. I am still here. I am not done with you yet. Heh.‘

I had to cease crying. Though the urge to cry was even stronger.

I clung on to him for the longest time, and we jostled for the door as I tried to get him out, and he was trying to close it to linger around to look for answers.

‘You are worried about that, is that right?‘

I didn’t answer.

Why should I? When we had agreed that it is non-commital, no?

No. No. No. No. No.

It already doesn’t make sense when I cried in front of him.

It feel strangely like a breakup, when I finally pelt away from his embrace, and held his hand till it slipped away when he walked through that door.

As I shut the door, I cried.

Thanks for your reassurances. It meant something to me.

And for once, I am actually showing more emotions than I should.

Even through this space, too.

***

I have an over active tearduct for most of today, and I am tired.

I have to start writing and let words flow.

I have to.

Because I am craving for food but I can’t get my paws on them.

I want maggie goreng!!!!

I want potato croquette!!!

I want…. honey.

I want Old Chang Kee!

I want maggie goreng.

I want maggie goreng.

I want maggie goreng. Until I can almost cry.

But I can settle for Delifrance crossiant sandwich with half egg mayo and half chicken mayo.

And I want soup. I want kiam chai soup. But I am willing to compromise with Pig’s organ soup.

I miss home-cooked food.

I think of mum’s cooking these days and I want to cry.

It doesn’t help that it was Mothers’ day yesterday.

What do I miss most?

Bittergourd with chicken in black sauce.

And… the one dish that tops my cravings list for the past month.

After a long, long while, it is nicknamed the f-ed up egg.

You know how the kind of perfectly fried sunny side up? And somehow, the egg york bursts and you cook it for a little longer…. just like the way our mums fry it?

Then you smother them in lotsa soy sauce.

I was trying to describe it to my friends, and had been looking for it in food courts and economy rice stall but just couldn’t find it.

I always substitute it with sunny side up, and ended up not touching it at all.

And did I mention I want my maggie goreng until I can cry?

Yah… this is exactly what I am going through right now.

Life is so miserable when you have food cravings unfulfilled.

I am one very grouchy lady.

Until SBB delivers my Delifrance sandwich. That evil man had refused my repeated pleads for Maggie Goreng.

I am devastated.

.. What I did for the long weekend.

I think I vaguely remember it was a long Thursday night, when my stamina finally took me close to 1.40am before Kelvin gave me a lift home.

I had met up with Brian, Mindy and Nick at Pacific Plaza before we headed to Adam Road for dinner.

Something was very wrong with me that very day, my reflexes and thoughts came to a slur, and I was hardly in tune with planet earth.

Gee.

I caught up with some quality rest on Friday, before greeting Saturday not-so-eagerly.

Work, you see.

But then again, lotsa pretty pictures to be up for Saturday’s event when I am not too lazy.

Chilled with Chrissy, Vamp, and Mr cute 18 year-old virgin boy thereafter, before my stamina was sucked dry, and I headed home to watch the last of the darn match.

-Sneer-

I headed out for a game of mahjong and ended my night at 3 plus.

Sunday was a bedbound day.

I don’t like.

I woke up feeling the dreaded grogginess within, and stayed awake to chat to the girls, looking at the event pictures until SBB called at 2 plus.

It was 3.40am when I finally had some quietness, yet the riot within kept me awake for a little while before I finally fell asleep.

I was thinking about a friend over the weekend, and had wanted to mail him, imagine my surprise when his email reached me first just as I was going to mail him.

How odd.

Post previous entry.

10 May 2006 15:43 - I’m sorry.

Reply: Whatever for?

I hate to say, but my tears betrayed me that very moment, as I sat in front of the monitor.

He then called.

I didn’t want to answer.

I took off to the nearest flight of staircase, for ahem, some private moment alone.

I called him back when I was composed enough. Just then, the message beeped.

10 May 2006 15:54 - Sorry, for yesterday… Didn’t mean for you to take it the wrong way. Was trying to steer away from certain things by talking about normal stuff & sigh… call me.

Somehow, I am not sure if I am starting to brew hostility towards him. Could be. It might be my cynicism at work.

I thought of one of the conversations we had the night before, and we joked about his template of words.

He once told this girl, “I’m sorry.. it shouldn’t have happened.. I hope it won’t jeopardize our friendship….”

I thought it sounded familiar(ahem. Yah, like 10 months ago? Tsk tsk.) and teased how he should at least change the words around, and he said he had apologised to her only because when girls show displeasure or are upset, the only way to appease them is to apologise even though he had no idea why he apologised.

Mind games, he once said.

And perhaps, just perhaps, his apologies that came over the SMSes.. only garnered a lukewarm response from me. Maybe, just maybe, only because my entry didn’t sound too friendly, and the easiest way out was a ’sorry’, so that no one could fault him.

Mind games again, who knows?

It doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate it. But.. it was just with my hostile state of mind… it didn’t go down too well.

Sometimes I ought to be smacked for being such a bitch. Hormonal, you see.

“So you think you don’t know me huh? Actually, I don’t know myself either..”

“Don’t use what I say against me. Hmphf.”

“But that’s what I do best.”

“So lame!”

***

“I wish I am not so emotional”

“Har? Did I hear wrongly? Emotional in terms of rage, lust, ego is it?”

“Oi, I am emotional okay?” he protested.

I am sure you are the only one in the whole wide world who is so. Hor?

***

“Why did it start?”

“Well, I don’t normally make the first move okay?” he declared.

Oh wow. So why? Cos I was readily available?

“I was attracted to you. I am attracted to you.”

Must be rehearsed. I shall not succumb to mind games.

***

In an attempt to steer clear of the danger zone, it was an hour of conversation before I headed back to work with less puffy eyes.

It was strange even though it was a bare conversation.

In a kiddish voice, he asked, “You like me don’t you…?”

I replied in spite, “Hmphf. No I don’t.”

“But.. but.. but.. why?”

“Cos I don’t.”

“Why don’t you like me?” he whined like a child.

“Cos rule number 1, I am not supposed to in the first place. Rule number 2, I don’t need, and don’t want to be like other preys of yours. And why should I stroke your ego the way you want it? You are nice, but….. egoistical, selfish, without a care what others feel, and everyone is dispensable to you.”

I listed and rattled off a long list of things.

Which got an amused reaction from him, “Gee, that sounded strangely like a breakup speech.. the it’s-not-you-it’s-me-you-are-nice-but….. kinda stuff”

Now that you mention it, indeed. Hurhur.

This post is not to be taken wrongly, alright?

***

Sorry that I have been the ultimate bitch to be around with these days.

Sorry that I might not say the nicest things.

Sorry that one day you might hate me for who I am.

Seriously, I would hate to lose this friendship.

***

Went back home early to catch American Idol before I fell asleep at 9 plus.

He woke me up 2 hours later, before I asked to be woken up at 2 to catch CSI on AXN.

It was close to 5 when we hung up and I continued on my slumber.

This week has been relatively quiet, yet there is an undercurrent that unsettles me.