I have problems sleeping these days.

I would either toss and turn till dawn, or I would end up waking up X-times throughout my sleep, and would take a longer amount of time to drift back to slumber.

It sucks, really, big time. My mind refuses to rest, and I would be turning to my right, lie on my belly, hug my pillow a tad tighter, try to relax my mind, before I would get restless and flip to the left, and repeat the same sequences again.

Manymanymanymanymanymany thoughts running, sifting, darting, in and out.

***

Sunday was television day.

MotoGP, CSI, World Cup.

Sleepness night, yet again.

I was hungry. No maggie goreng.

***

It was a rainy Monday morning and I woke up after just barely 3 hours of sleep.

I coughed, and coughed, and coughed.

I struggled to get out of bed, and walked in the drizzle to take a bus to Jurong East Central to get my medical blood test report.

Everything came back normal, and healthy.

Though I lost weight yet again. Not much, just slightly.

51kg, I am.

I got back and tried to sleep.

And dammit, I couldn’t quite get back to sleep yet again.

It was 12 when I finally managed to nap, and it was 5.30pm when I finally sat up from bed.

I was hungry again. No maggie goreng again.

I called for McDonald’s and had a beef burger to satisfy those cravings.

***

I was feeling slightly sick yesterday when I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed and headed to Valley Point at 3ish.

Tired. Tired. Tired.

I feel and look like shit these days, and just can’t find any ounce of the feel-good factor.

Derrick very nicely sent me down to Bishan when I had to make a move, and I was slightly late meeting Mark and Ryan at Junction 8 in the evening.

Dinner was beef sandwich I ordered, which I failed to touch further after a mere bite.

I guess I pretty much weighed both options and have an inkling of what I might be doing in time to come.

Actually.. I am scared.

***

There is something I must say.

I have met a lot of very, very nice people these days, whom I will be eternally grateful to, for they have shown me kindness in every possible way.

Derrick, Ryan, Mark are incredibly nice people though I am mere acquaintance to them.

But somehow, they feel there is a need to lend me a hand though what they offer might not be what I am truly looking for.

One day, I will remember to spread the same gift of kindness… and make a positive difference, however minor.

***

I remember few months back when I was darn freaking scared in making a career move, he was around.

I am at a brand new junction yet again.

I still can’t quite verbalise what my thoughts are, really, but I know I am just freaking scared.

I met up with him yesterday after the very kind Mark sent me to a clinic in Serangoon Gardens after I had quite bad tummy ache at Bishan, which mysteriously subsided eventually.

I guess we are all searching for some things in life. Perhaps the same things, in different ways, for different justifications.

All best.

***

Was in town with him when I called Vamp and she was with Chrissy nearby.

They were supposed to have a shoot, but it was cancelled last minute and they were loitering in town with their cameras.

We arranged to meet up and by midnight, they suggested that they would shoot me instead.

With unkempt brows, glasses, no makeup?!?!

So, he left me with my pals, as I was abducted to Vamp’s place, stripped nude, and…. *weeps*

The shoot didn’t end till early this morning, with random conversations in between, heavy thoughts lingering… and a constant attack of self-consciousness.

Oh well….. yes yes. I did it!

I did nude shots(ahem, artistic ones, alright) finally. Tastefully done, alright?

The 2 photographers were brilliant, and did plenty of shots which I am really fond of.

Which unfortunately, some may never make it to this space here, as much as I would like to show the brilliance of their skills and perspective.

I would love to be the one shooting the next time round.

And if you ladies out there would like to do the same, and would love to have nude shots of yourselves for whatever reasons, and would prefer female photographers, do feel free to contact any of us, and we will make sure you would feel absolutely horny sexy and comfortable with our presence. Hurhurhur.

The setting up took a bit of time as we tried to make good use of space and lightings with the limitations we had.

Of course, if any of you out there is interested, we would get it professionally done for you at a studio and such.

Since it was impromptu, I didn’t even have the chance to exfoliate/moisturise for the past days to look good.. and of course, my legs weren’t shaved, and my brows were in a mess too.

Oh well. It was….. quite a torture. But great fun nonetheless and we had lotsa laughters in the midst after we were delirious from lack of sleep.

Well, I woke up today with my butt muscles pain pain, and my back muscles strained and such…
The shot was done in good fun, and I thought why not do it before my body goes out of shape soon.

Perhaps one year from now, I would always look back and thought to myself… ‘alright, I was once not fat, and I have pictures to prove!’

Yeap, I am already having sad thoughts(no, I don’t need consolations, I really do have concrete thoughts like such) that I might be old, wrinkly, frumpy and ugly in a year’s time.

***

I woke up to meet Uncle Ben for a drink today at City Hall.

I want to go back to church.

***

I met up with the rest of my ex-colleagues today at my previous office.

I nearly made a booboo when I asked everyone openly if they were going to have dinner and where.

I caught a murderous look, another wide-eyed stare, and a scrunched up face that was waving a big, silent NOOOOOO to me.

Ooops. It was supposed to be a secret mission.

I made a quick exit with Elaine before I messed things up further. Muahahaa.

And I finally collected my Razer Pro|Solutions Mouse(and gee! Mouse pad too!), courtesy of the very nice people from Razer.

I have it delivered to the office, but had yet to pick it up since forever.

We met up with Danny and Bernice(I haven’t seen her for so long!) at Marina Square Swensen’s, before some many others, like Hongxiang, Adam, Candice, Khalid(that darling came back too!), and some whom I had never met before this, Zhiqi, Eugene, who were with the company way before I did.

Danny sent me and Adam(my neighbour!) home thereafter. Thanks so much guys.

Nowadays I am so emotional that a tiny act of kindness, makes me feel the urge to tear.

They are a nice bunch of darlings who made the evening so much more interesting.

It is like, sometimes you meet new people, it is like a social event and you enjoy your time for the sake of it, but when you have truly nice company, it is just… relaxing and.. different.

That perhaps, explain why I ate so much today.

Swensen’s gave us complimentary soup cos our baked rice was delayed for 10 minutes(we didn’t even complain!). I pinched everyone’s food and finished most of mine, before we ordered earthquake.

I was a wimp when I tasted Rum in the ice cream and the alcohol made me sick.

And it wasn’t long when the colourful mixture of ice cream came out in splatters into the toilet sink.

(Dad came home today and happily announced that he bought me ice-cream. How.. nice..)

I haven’t been out for a social reason for the longest time.

Oddly, when I wanna hide away from the crowd, I did.

And yet when I sneak out of my shell, it is a picture of contrast out there.

And yes, tomorrow, I have to be out for a social reason, yet again.

Throw in the smiles and works, it is time to face the world again.

***

You know how I haven’t been wanting to shop for a long while.

Yet, I am now having an incredible urge to shop!

Uh oh.

I appointed SBB to play controller, to tell me NO when I so much wanted to shop.

I… want… to…. shop….

I just want to buy some things.. and spend.

And the money sitting in my bank right now feels sooooooo threatened as I might unleash the monster in me and squander them in a blink of my big, pretty eyes.

***

Sometimes, when I write something factually, they might just be a sentence to you.

It might not make sense. It might seem mundane.

But believe me, for every word I had typed today, heavy emotions hang to each of those words with elaborated meanings to them.

Be back soon.