Barry left the country again after a brief 3 weeks stay in Singapore.
He left a few MSN messages for me before he went away, and SMSed me just before the flight took off.
I was so touched that I nearly teared.
He had helped me lots during his brief stay here with his optimism, and his lame jokes cracked me up endlessly.
And the tonic soup he brewed… simply awesome. I saw a side of my guy pals I never thought I would see.
Goodbye Uncle Barry! Bon Voyage.
***
Another person who has helped me lots through this period, is another *cough* Uncle(he is so gonna kill me) who is celebrating his BIG THREE ONE on Children’s Day.
D W, May you be happy always. And remember the 2 things that were told to you…
Happy birthday! I know I am a minute early, but I want to be the 1st one to wish you, you see!
And whee! As you review your past year, I hope you are counting the fact that 2(and a half) babes had brought you to sing karaoke as the greatest ‘achievement’ before you turned 31!
I am not sure my tiring days have drained me so much that I am easily attacked by the surge of emotions.
It has been a tough week. I lost sleep. I gained peace. And finally, as the dust settles, all’s good. Though I still live in uncertainty of next month’s bread and butter, I think it is good that I have learnt to leave everything into His hands.
So good. And I know, all these couldn’t have been possible, if not for the Great One above. He has guided me through this week of highs and lows, yet poured abundant blessings onto me, and taught me some stuff along the way.
And it seems… He has a message or 2 for me too.
And I ask myself, how am I worthy?
***
I woke up earlier than usual.
We did fundraising again today. Orchard.
I guess I should be thankful that the weather was pretty merciful today.
I guess Singaporeans are still pretty much hung up about making donations to organisations after the NKF saga, but there are still some of them who are pretty much kind and generous.
Sometimes, it is just funny to see people coming up with lame excuses as they stutter and their eyes get shifty when they could just smile and decline.
The funniest incident so far that made my eyes roll to the back of my head was, when my ex-editor told me that he couldn’t afford, and he has no money…. while looking darn uneasy when I asked if he wanted to make a donation.
His nervous laugh was hilarious I tell you. His reason? He was going to Berlin and was saving up for ‘pocket money’.
Going Berlin leh!
I told him a small donation will do, a buck or 2. And he told me he was really broke, not that he doesn’t want to donate.
I am sure. Ahem. Seeing how he was splurging right after I asked for a donation, made me wonder if coming up with such excuse was necessary.
I mean, everyone has a preferred charity, so do I. If I don’t feel comfortable donating to this charity, I would just say, no, it is okay, and not coming up with some excuses that you think would make you look better, cos it only does the opposite when you expose your self.
So, what do I think is the perfect rejection?
Hehehe, like today, I was standing in Orchard, when I approached this Caucasian lady, who responded with a bright smile, ‘No, I am not interested. But you look really nice’, as she gestured her hand from my head to toe.
She donated a smile to me, you know?
A Brit donated and he told me I looked as if I was going to pop anytime(!). Before he went away with his SPG, he wished me all the best and that everything will go smoothly for me till delivery.
How sweet.
And this local chap who shunned us, and turned back to ask me what was the card about(you see, most people just instinctively say no, and some thought we were selling something), before he took out a 2 dollar note. After filling in his name and I/C number, he paused for a while and took out another 10 bucks, and put into the evelope.
***
I was almost melting, and my manager finally called it a day.
I decided I didn’t need the extra travelling and would like to sit down for a drink before heading home.
Belle and I went to the foodcourt to have a relaxing session of desserts, before I walked around a little.
It proved to be tiring for me, and I headed home after just stopping by one shop.
I got back, and was so tired that I dozed off with my glasses on.
I unwittingly napped for 2 and half hours when I am not supposed to… I have to sleep early tonight because I have a morning course to attend tomorrow, and I bet the nap is going to screw my body clock up, again.
***
I had a heart-stopping Monday. Couldn’t sleep well either.
I would either hit my quota ON THE DOT, or that I would miss it completely… cos it is now hanging on the thread of ONE single case.
My manager was jokingly that rather I banged my head against the wall myself, he would help to strangle me to end my misery swiftly.
I am so dead.
But it started off in a great note, when a very kind gentleman(I shall name him very nice uncle aka VNU hereforth) made bird’s nest for me to drink. He even got for me lip balm(Berlinda, my colleagues, FF and Wanyi had been smacking my hands over this compulsive habit of mine. I tend to peel my lips when I am stressed).
I feel like I have lotsa mums and dads suddenly… the ones who brewed tonic soups for me(like Barry and Berlinda, who taught me to use chicken thigh meat), and those who constantly nagged me(Mr D W!!!!)…
I feel overwhelmed with gratitude, really.
We went for lunch before he sent me down to office. I was severely car sick by the time I reached my office though.
Barry came down to meet me to pass me premiums(you know how thoughtful this guy is when my office isn’t that accessible, but he still took public transport so I wouldn’t need to travel), and we had nice D24 durian ice cream. Yummy. I am so going to miss him when he leaves this Saturday.
I went back to office for meeting, and then did some work before I met up with Weiqiang at the office to close.
Yet another one who has played a big part… in so many ways. Especially when he relentlessly tried to get me back in touch with Him.
When we were wondering how to get to Tiong Bahru without any direct bus, suddenly a shuttle bus which existence we were not aware of, stopped. Whee!
I managed to get dinner, and he managed to get to his destination. I spoke to VampTreSS over the phone, that pretty much get me through the MRT ride home.
I was so bushed when I got back that.. I just stoned, and had an early night to prepare for today’s fundraising.
***
It has been…. a pretty mad week with my weekends thoroughly burnt.
3 straight days of travelling towards God-knows-where of Singapore had been a killer. I spent my Friday, Saturday and Sunday in the East, and I would soon be a walking map of the East of Singapore.
Despite that it was a Sunday, I had to wake up at 7(the horrors!) in the morning to get ready for work. 5 hours of sleep is not enough.
We had an event at Kembangan Community Club that morning, and had to reach there early to do some setting up.
I had thought I would be sharing cab with 2 of my colleagues who live in the vicinity, and hailed one to West Mall, where I would be meeting up with them.
One of them backed out and I had thought of suggesting taking a train instead since the train ride was pretty straightforward …. cos cab fares are little pricey these days.
But I think I would come across as too much of a scrooge and dropped the idea.
Laughably, the event my unit was involved in was actually the Baby Show, involving babies from a couple of months to slightly more than a month old. My job was to coo at them, and give out balloons, with one stuffed under my dress.
It was pretty alright from the start, until I started to feel the effect of the crowd draining the energy out of me, and my right ear was buzzing from the lack of O2.
It was pretty fun, and I got upclose and personal with this 4-month old little cutie pie.. She was really adorable, and she even allowed me to hold her for quite a while. I eventually found out little Natalie will share the same surname as Minibean.
I helped with the pack-up, and left for Tampines Mall(dropping by to spy on see how Terrance is doing also) to meet up with FF, and enjoyed a day out with the girlies!
Whee!
1pm - Lunch was at Din Tai Fung with FF, and the tummy upset-plagued Wanyi joined us before we placed our order.
As usual Miss VampTreSS’ promise of 2.30pm, was delayed till 3.30pm.
Lunch was fun! The girls were so bitchy lovely as we nibbled, sucked and licked up the juices of the 18-folds Xiao Long Bao.
We sat around and bitched for the longest time until we adjourned to the Open Plaza where I bumped into my colleagues, and then to Century Square to walk around.
Somehow, the toilet of Century Square intrigued us enough to stay in there for more than an hour and half.
It has a big cosy couch, where we made ourselves very comfortable.
So comfortable that we cam-whored throughout.
I decided that being pregnant doesn’t mean I cannot act innocent.
*Coughs*
It doesn’t mean that I cannot act cool anymore.
It also doesn’t mean I cannot be MILF. Muahahaha.
Oh yes oh yes, that’s my 30-weeks bulge.
Then I decided nothing is gonna help the flabby arms and swollen legs, and I gave up.
Bleah. So tiring.
Yeap, we adored the washroom, ya know?
Eh, why no pictures of Wanyi ah? Look, I don’t have a waist! So unsexy.
She kicked FF, finally. And she is the only 2nd ‘auntie’ she had kicked so far, besides VampTreSS.
And from the pictures we took in the washroom, you could probably guess why we were so comfortable in there that we stayed there for more than an hour and half.
Oh! The price of vanity.
And the 4 of us strutted over to Century Square to -gasp- take neoprints!
Whee!
So fun, you know. We feel young again.
We sat down at Century Square’s Coffee Bean for a sunrise, whilst I got VampTreSS’ help for some marketing shoot I missed out the previous time with the rest of the unit, to make up for it. My eyes were so tired that I look jaded more than enthusiastic in those pictures.
And some of the ones which I look really ‘gahment-ad’ like made us cringe and snigger at the hilarity of it.
I tried the conniving-corporate-bitch look, but my angelic features couldn’t quite bring out the intensity of it.
Ah well. I am destined *cough* not to be *cough* evil.
After Wanyi left, we went for dinner at Yoshinoya, before we took the long, dreaded west-bound train home.
Home sweet home.
***
I realise how much I need my personal space to balance my sanity.
Therefore, despite my fatigue, I struggle to stay awake, in the hope of jotting some thoughts and events down.
I wanna thank all the wonderful emails that came into my mailbox, and I am terribly sorry that these 2 weeks have been rather heavy for me to reply all.
And thanks to those who had shared their personal stories with me, through emails, through MSN(gee, I am moonlighting as Aunt Agony these days!), some of which had moved me to tears. I got to know of someone who is due on the same day as I do, another princess in the making. Difference is, her husband walked out of her for someone else, and because of her poor health, she couldn’t work. Plus the fact that her parents are divorced, she has no one to turn to for help, but to move in with her grandmother.
She has yet to prepare anything for her baby yet, and I somehow wish I could help, to pass on the kindness and support everyone has been giving me all these while.
I think, I am lucky, really.
***
As one drama unfolded on Sunday night, a friend perhaps finally found the closure he needed all these years.
Closure, oh yes, closure.
Be strong.
***
SBBF(his friend) was online today and initiated a chat.
Quite a while into the conversation, I noticed SBB was online.
Feeling sheepish, I unblocked him. Too obvious, you know?
Bleah. Too late.
The very second I unblocked…
SBB: Yoo. SBBF online talking to you, so you have to unblock me huh? ;P
Me: Dammit. You found out. Laughs.
He called subsequently, to ask about my weight gain amongst other things(like, when was last time I went for checkup, and how is my Dad evil, like I mentioned in the previous post).
SBB: So if I want to pass something for the kid(I feel like Mother Goat), will you accept?
Me: Ok ah, no problem.
He offered something that no one else would be able to provide(eh, besides the champion swimming cell).
I thought.. it was a sweet gesture.
Thank you.
And he has been teaching me how to chin up, head high, and breathe that I suspect I will need no antenatal classes to learn breathing techniques for labour.
***
Returned to office on a lazy Saturday to complete some work, and also to attend a meeting.
Not enough sleep again.
I shall not start on my observation of how Singaporeans(must be Singaporeans cos many of them are recruits in uniform!) react to me on the train.
Hmmm, let’s just say I have only been offered seats only around 5 times. Not in a week, but throughout.
And it is pretty embarrassing to walk towards the sole empty seat, when someone faster(and less clumsy) would get to it first. Cos, the rest of the cabin would just look at you as you stood there like a fool.
They will give you the once-over, and that’s pretty much that.
Basically, I have no idea why, but the meeting drained me completely.
I met up with VampTreSS thereafter to head down to Tampines to check on the Sony event that was going on.
I got myself a pair of pants I have been looking for that would last me for the next couple of months, and it can double up as a brilliant casual pants thereafter.
I parted with the sum after deciding for the longest time, and it is the first and only piece of maternity clothing I bear to splurge on.
Well.. I think I have grown huge over the past 2 days.
No joke!
When I met Wanyi on Thursday, someone thought I looked only 3 and half months gone.
Sunday, when I saw Wanyi, her eyes widened to the size of lychees and marvelled how it ballooned just in 3 days. Water-retention and leg cramps have attacked me. Stretch marks have engulfed me. Let’s not go on to how the pelvic condition and my hips have been keeping me awake these nights.
I had also thought of asking Eugene to join us for dinner.
But somehow, it was so tiring for us that, we eventually sat at Coffee Bean to round the night off with some work-talk, ‘brain storming’, rationalising…
And then, there was the long, dreaded train ride back to the west.
I am so proud I took trains on both days, you know?
***
Friday.
Woke up early to head down to Hougang to run some errands.
Hougang is like.. further than China, to me.
The last time I was at IMH, was 11 years ago, for a project when it was newly erected.
I saw the big poster of post-natal depression hanging on IMH’s wall and shuddered slightly. Please people, pull me by the hair if I ever stubbornly refuse treatment… IF I do unfortunately get it.
I don’t know why, but my sensitivity to the people around me then, surrounded me with this surreal gloom.
The heat was killing me.
I left for Compass Point before VNU picked me up to head down to Kaki Bukit to do some baby shopping.
I tell you, everything is so expensive.
You can easily blow 2-3k simply by getting the essentials alone.
I think I did too much of the take-something-I-like-off-the-shelves, stick-my-tongue-out-at-the-sight-of-price-tag, and back-onto-the-shelves-they-go.
But I am glad I got more things done these days in the midst of busying myself with work, so I wouldn’t be so panicky with the date drawing near.
And thank you, once again.
***
Not enough sleep. Yawn.
Pukish.
Thursday. Back to office. Had wanted to wake up early to collect this particular letter, but didn’t realise the department is out for lunch from 11.45am onwards(argh).
I reached office at 12 plus, only to be informed that they would only be back at 2pm.
Met up with Potato!
We had a long lunch at Sakae Sushi, downing nothing but.. er, tofu throughout.
She wanted me to tell you guys a story of how I made her run for me(with bouncing boobs, no less), but I shall spare you guys the agony of sitting through a boring, yawn-inducing story.
Went back to office at 5 to collect a letter, and did some paperwork. With my failing memory, paperwork is considered a huge hassle cos I tend to forget the tiniest details.
Met up with Kaiming thereafter at Tiong Bahru and that darling sat through my lousy sales pitch… and bought me ice-cream!
I succumbed to a cab ride home.
***
Sleep wasn’t good.
Wednesday.
Woke up early to head down to Raffles Place for our fundraising efforts for Children’s Cancer Foundation.
The sun was merciless and so were the frosty attitudes of the sleekly dressed executives.
I saw a familiar face.. one that I haven’t seen since Primary School graduation.
I turned and faced away. Not in the mood to give someone else a heart attack, you know?
Then I saw another familiar face… yet another one I haven’t seen since secondary school graduation - Wenjie.
Somehow, something in me just shied away.
I managed to contact Wenjie through mail and we caught up over MSN. He had thought it was me, but he didn’t really recognise me cos the last time he saw me was 9 years ago.
Oddly, he was one of the only 2 guys I haven’t seen since graduation.
That very Wednesday evening, whilst walking in the midst of the Jurong East crowd, I saw Zhaosheng, the other classmate I haven’t seen.
I could hardly survive the heat as I advanced into the 3rd trimester. We went back to office by my manager’s car, and I thank God for air-conditioner.
Went back to office and a bombshell was dropped. Uh oh.
I stayed around till the evening until I had to leave work for my appointment with the little one.
I didn’t get to see her this time round, though I listened to her heart raced.
Right after the appointment, I rushed down to Yew Tee to meet up with D W, and seriously, I was in such a delirious state that I was incoherant throughout the meet up.
I yearned for the comfort of home, and ended the night early.
Until the usual suspects called me for a game of mahjong at my place.
Seriously, I didn’t think 8 bucks was much of a damage considering the floaty state I was in throughout.
Next time, cannot play when I could hardly concentrate.
***
Tuesday. I finally had a well-deserved rest day. I simply refused to move my arse to anywhere cos I just wanna stay home and rest.
I am glad I did. It was the first and only day in the past 2 weeks that I have stayed home to recuperate, and seems likely to be the only day of complete rest that would sustain me through this week too.
But it was also the day that I spoke to Dad candidly about certain decisions, arrangement and such.
It was a huge relief that this much needed talk was settled within 10 minutes amidst laughters and plenty of understanding.
I have a cool Dad, no doubt about it.
Though he still hasn’t asked me… when am I due.
***
Monday. Case submission.
Meeting.
Met Barry for tea.
Dinner with unit.
Met Wee Kiong.
Almost a mirror image of yesterday.
Stayed in the office till 1030pm to finish up some work.
Wanted to chill after work. Had supper with Barry at Cineleisure though originally wanted KTV. Had wanted to make sure we could hang out more before I see him again next year.
But the long talk over waffles and sinful chicken cutlet was enough until I got too maxed out, and headed home for a good rest instead of straining my vocals.
I have pretty much drafted out how my previous week had been, but I am not posting it up just yet.
Today has been a day of heart-warming incidents and also, heart-stopping crop-ups.
I now need a miracle to get paid next month.
In situations like this, I can only laugh to keep my sanity.
But I shall not think about that far, but to really clear my mind and look forward to my private, quality time with CSI Season 7, and CSI: Miami Season 5.
***
Was watching Elizabethtown, and I pretty much like this particular conversation….
“You’re kind of great, Claire. You do know that. Sort of amazing, even.”
“Oh, come on! I don’t need an ice cream cone.”
“What’s an ice cream cone?”
“You know. Here’s a little something to make you happy. Something sweet that melts in five minutes. I’m completely cool with anything you want to say or not say. I don’t need it.” And she continued, “Do you want to hear my theory?”
“Of course.”
“You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately.”
“Tell me”
“We’re the substitute people.”
“The substitute people?”
“I’ve been the substitute person my whole life. I’am not an Ellen, I have never wanted to be an Ellen. I am not a Cindy, either, although there is a Chuck who loves me. I like being alone too much. I mean, I’m with a guy whom I rarely see. And I am the substitute person there.”
I spent more time with my comfy Birkies(good buy!) more than my pillow…
I couldn’t sleep well last night. I only vaguely remember a wet dream(it was.. soooooo real, and the male lead is someone known a friend! -gasp-) in the midst of the documents-induced dreams. I swear I was dreaming work throughout as I tossed and turned with aching hips.
I haven’t been sleeping well for 2 nights. 5 hours of sleep each night is simply not enough.
And when you think the term ‘morning sickness’ is far and away, I have that queasy feeling in me for the whole of today.
I started the day with an ejected dose of stomach acid, and puked Ribena after I saw Potatomus Wanyi.
My throat feels burnt.
A kind lady asked if I was 3 and half months gone as I threw up 3 times in the washroom, Wanyi and I had to convince her I was not in my 1st trimester but my last.
My colleague had wondered why my ‘5 months’ tummy is still so tiny, when I had to set the record straight that I am 2 and half months beyond that.
My boss thought I was growing big.
Some people didn’t think I look knocked up.
I think Dad still doesn’t know how fast he is going to be a grand-dad.
We had a funny conversation the other day, and I am convinced my Dad is evil. Very.
I am too tired to elaborate, but would do so once I get a breather this week… if I do get one.
Meanwhile, I will breathe.
I hope you too.
Sometimes, you can’t expect those around you to understand when you refuse to show your emotions. Since you wanna hide it, how are they supposed to see it?
I lost count of how many people I had actually met up with over the past week, but it indeed was fulfilling.
I had experienced adrenalin high, emotional lows, work frustrations, job satisfaction… numbness of sentiments, as well as overwhelming warmth.
Wow. What a week.
And I shall now launch into the nitty-gritties of the week, to perhaps remind myself of the significant people that cruised by, in time to come.
***
Today. Sunday. I almost am starting to feel ample dread for Sundays.
I finally had some quality sleep time to sleep off the week’s fatigue. I had to battle with the trips to the loo, bodyaches and cramps that woke me up countless times, but all in all, it was good.
I woke up and did some work, until it was in the late afternoon when I had to return to the office to get some stuff done.
Damn, I should really get a printer.
Just when I thought the timing was pretty alright, and had wanted to get changed to head for the train station, it brilliantly rained! Woe is me!
I waited for quite a while before I could leave home(no brollies at home, remember?) in the slightly tamed shower to hail a cab to my office(it was pretty late and I didn’t want to walk in the rain to the office if I were to take public).
I was all alone in the office, until it was 8pm and I saw a colleague strolled in. And I thought I was the only weirdo who would be back in office. I guess I was quite a sight wearing my Nike shorts, tee, and a Powerpuff hooded jacket, sitting in the huge office looking an outright mess.
It was 8.30pm when I finally left the office, to meet up with D W for supper at Redhill market. A 30-minutes wait at the bus stop brewed my exasperation on a wet Sunday night, until he drove over to pick me up.
Whilst I was sitting at the bus stop, mesmerised by the glisterings from the lights in the night, I had an impulse to want to lie down somewhere, just to listen to waves, looking up at the night skies. In that 30 minutes of quiet time on my own, it was pretty amazing how many different thoughts and emotions could set in.
I finally had my dinner at 9 plus, had a nice talk with D W, before he gave me a lift back home though the MRT station was just a stone’s throw away.
Nowadays, I always have to repeat myself, ‘I am ONLY pregnant, NOT crippled!’ whenever people around me try to fuss over me like I am some sort of fragile china as I swaddle like a penguin.
I even have people opening car doors for me these days! Amongst many other touching things I never thought I would see my friends doing.
I got home, feeling a tad… empty, yet anticipating the next week of challenge.
Slowly, one step at a time.
Though time, is not exactly on my side right now.
If I am in a rush, just understand that I am just trying to sprint while I still can.
***
Saturday.
I am becoming a jack of all trades… and yes, I know what is the next part to it.
My anticipation intensified as Saturday approached because so many things were hanging on a thread just on this single day alone.
I saw myself transformed as I took on 5 different trades/roles in a single day.
But the day kicked off brilliantly when a long-time friend of mine dropped by my place in the early afternoon with lunch, and check this out, self-made tonic soup for me.
Not to mention that he actually gave business to me as well. It was supposed to be a work-related meeting, you see.
I have known Barry for almost 6 years, through an ex-boyfriend of mine, before he moved on to National Service, and then signed on to be based overseas for 2 years.
He came back last week, and we had arranged for a catch up session earlier this week.
And this time round, as he dropped by my place, he actually brought tonic soup made by himself for me(okay… maybe not entirely for me *cough* cos he made some for his ‘best friend’ too)! A guy cooking for me.. how sweet is that?
He is a good-humoured chap and made me laugh most of the time. Eventually, I had to make a mad rush to town in the late afternoon, and since he was going somewhere nearby, he very kindly gave me a lift too. And I actually inconvenienced him when he didn’t realise Singapore’s ERP gantry has evolved into a blood-sucking system and had not put in the cashcard on a Saturday evening.
And it is going to be an expensive penalty, isn’t it?
Woops.
I met up with VampTreSS at HMV to check out the talent we provided for the Sony Roadshow, and to make sure everything is going on smoothly. Almost had trouble finding it though it was situated at a spot with lotsa human-traffic.
While waiting for Vamp, I bumped into my cousin(no, not Min Min kor kor, but someone from the same side of the family), and I had one of the most natural conversations with him ever. He was heading for some R & B night D & D and looking more alive than he normally is during family gatherings.
I actually thought he looks cute with his braces. I vaguely remember seeing him in his Navy uniform some years ago.
Hmmm…
Anyway, surprisingly he didn’t notice what he should have noticed.
Janise was sitting there at NYDC overseeing the entire roadshow as well, and we stopped by for a brief chat.
Terrance, our darling boy, satisfied the clients pretty well(cough, this is beginning to sound… wrong), and didn’t give much troubles either.
His working attitude was really brilliant, and he is such a born-charmer, I tell ya.
VampTreSS and I stayed around for a while, before we made a move to sit down for coffee for some evaluation at Paragon Coffee Bean. We did some charity by donating money for the elderly(VampTreSS always has a big heart), and the 17 years-old boys had innocently asked if we were models, OKAY!
I giggled silly-ly like a schoolgirl for the rest of the night, and walked with a skip, flapping the ends of my dress with a constant smile on my face…
It was in the evening when we left for Marina Square(oooo.. lotsa cute delegates to look at) to check out this particular boutique, before we proceeded to have an awful dinner at Secret Recipe, where the mash potato was dry and tasteless, the beef of the lasagne was stale, and the dough of the lasagne was hard and not really cooked.
It was rather disappointing especially when we were really famished.
As dinner concluded, Dilip joined us for desserts, before we made a move to Coffee Club for yet another meeting.
Some project is in the pipeline, and if it all goes well, it might be a big break for all of us involved. In a nutshell, we might be marketing a pretty upmarket brand(I love, love, love their stuff! So much potential, and so lovely), and I really do hope to be a part of it, though I am not sure if the marketing campaigns that were to follow would collide with the time I would be away.
If all goes well, it would be a whole new spectrum of opportunities that awaits.
Keeping fingers crossed.
By the end of the night, we were all maxed out.
VampTreSS and I sat down at City Hall’s Cafe Cartel to think up of possible marketing tactics while our impressions are still the freshest, and to also work within client’s expectations.
But the week’s fatigue got to me so much that much of the ideas floated by and I didn’t achieve the moment of sheer genius I had hoped for.
It was nearing midnight when I finally took a cab home…. to chill.
I had 3 people waiting for me as I had gotten carried away with the discussion. One of whom was a new face round the mahjong table, but not one of unfamiliarity.
When I got off the cab, I was surprised that it was Aileen, a secondary school acquaintance of mine. We would have been in NCC together, though eventually I was transferred to NPCC because I wasn’t a Singaporean, and her, would rather join Netball instead.
It was quaint how our paths crossed again a dozen of years forth, and she is actually a friend’s girlfriend if I am not wrong.
So coincidental, eh?
Despite my state of blankness, I was still able to generate some income over the mahjong table with sheer luck.
Whee!
Saturday was a productive day.
When the night quietened as the rest left, I heated up the nice chicken soup that was so peppered with a friend’s concern, and gulped it down to the last drop. Basically, this was only the 2nd time I had taken tonics throughout the pregnancy.
I had wanted to squeeze in a nice episode of CSI: Miami, but my mind was so distracted by the thoughts of work that, after 20 minutes of the show, I still didn’t know what I was watching.
It was THAT bad.
Vamp had commented that CSI was my escape route from reality, and a good way for me to lose myself, and now, my mind can’t even register that! How sad is that?
I decided to sleep early, and I could feel my pelvic start to really hurt. The adrenalin rush subsided and the pain started to set in.
It didn’t take long before I was totally knocked out.
I must have been really, really, tired.
Financial adviser(yah lah, sell insurance also, wanna buy or not?) in the day.
Talent manager(yes yes, we have brilliant hunks and babes with great working attitude) in the evening.
Marketing manager(we can always work out something, you know?) in the night.
Mahjong player at midnight(quoting Alvin: In the day I help you make money, at night I help you lose money!).
A mum when I rest.
See! Five trades.
***
Friday.
It was a day that was sustained by nothing but adrenalin.
I was like a hyped up bunny(er, no, nothing to do with hormones) and nothing seemed to be able to slow me down. Perhaps because of Friday, my Saturday and Sunday left me drained as if I had overspent my energy.
I woke up with only 4 hours of sleep because a colleague had suggested breakfast and volunteered to be Minibean’s godpa. Hey, after so many offers of godmums, Minibean is finally having a godpa.
But alas, he had made me wake up so early but had only picked me up in time for lunch.
In fact, we didn’t even have a meal together, though I had a lift to the office in the pouring storm.
I spent the rest of the day in the office, and had met up with Pastor Henry and his wife for lunch.
I bumped into Max’s girlfriend, Bibi too.
I haven’t seen them in a long while, and this lunch had been postponed for the longest time. They prayed for me, and it was a really great feeling.
I felt my pelvic condition(somehow, not because of the weight, but because of how my pelvic bones are softening to move, it caused the muscles of my pelvic area to my crotch to my.. nether regions to be in great pain everytime I move around or when I have to get out of bed) improved thereafter they had prayed for me.
I went back to work and rushed so many things in one day that… I made a slight mistake when filling up one of the forms. Bleah.
Concluded a few businesses.
Was supposed to go do some shopping for Minibean, but then I overstayed in the office till it was 8.30pm, before my hunger got the better of me and I went down to the stretch of eatery to wait for VampTreSS and D W for dinner.
You know, when people tell you 10 minutes, it is actually 30 minutes? Grr…
After that, we were pretty aimless. After such a hectic week, with an even more hectic weekend to come, we decided it is time to relax.
The exorbitant price of singing KTV was putting us off, but we decided it was one of those days we just have to do it.
And off we go, bringing the virgin-KTV singer to Parklane Kbox for some…. liberation.
I don’t know how they survived my yells, rants, screams, shouts, shrills…. but they did. I was in my drama-mama concerty mood, and they paid to hear me sing.
I found out Minibean actually liked karaoke! No, don’t try to convince me that she was trying to ask me to shut up when she had kicked and moved excessively throughout. She even kicked to the rhythmn of one of the songs, and VampTreSS had her hands on my tum tum throughout to pace her.
11pm-4am. She kicked throughout, excitedly, incessantly. I put my hand on her, she kicked me back.
I have thus decided to enrol her into soccer classes, and kickboxing classes.
We finally headed home after a long day..
With so much more thoughts on our mind than before.
***
Not that it matters to anyone, but some of the facts here:
Last trimester.
29 weeks.
EDD: 06-12-06. Plus, minus 3 weeks.
Which is good. Imagine Christmas, she will have gifts.
Then new year passes, it will be her baby shower.
Ang pows and gifts. Heh.
Hurhurhur.
Then, it would be Chinese New Year.
Since I wouldn’t be giving ang pows, I can still get, right? She also gets, right?
Gee, talk about entrepreneurship!
I now weigh a hefty 57kg. More after a meal.
Waist line of 29 inches. Hey, what waistline?
The peak of my bump is 35.5 inches.
I got 34 inches boobs!
36 inches bum.
18.5 inches thigh.
I think I got the figure of an oil drum.
***
Thursday.
I finally had some time to myself and stayed home, before heading out of home for International Business Park to meet up with Vamp.
The lovely Fion was there, and one of my favourite lasses, Felicia and her sister Michelle was there too.
We left for dinner in the drizzle post-casting, and Felicia and Michelle joined us. Haven’t seen Felicia since the last show, and I like the gregarious soul in her.
I was supposed to meet up with Mr Lotiseng(remember he used to draw comics for me, and the surprise birthday card that came my way?) for coffee for the first time, but since we were all having dinner, I took the liberty of asking him to join us.. though I wasn’t sure if he would be okay with it. The girls took to him and thought he was a really nice chap.
I blushed heavily when I met him though I insisted to the girls it was just my reaction to the prawns. And I get excessively candid when I am nervous. Dammit.
I am no good when meeting people for the first time okay.
And after dinner, he made a move though I had thought we could adjourn for coffee. He left, but gave me a book, The Road Less Traveled.
Eh, hormones are evil one okay. Don’t make me cry.
Thanks. Let me buy you coffee some time soon, alright?
D W came down to join us for supper at McDee’s later in the night… as Vamp and I frantically contacted girls last minute for the Sony job.
Our phones went dead from the excessive calling.
***
I had been watching too much CSI: Miami. The newest season that has yet to be shown on television.
So much so that I dreamt of Horatio Caine twice in a row over two nights.
And I snogged him on the 2nd night I dreamt of him.
GOSH.
***
Wednesday.
I walked to the nearby hawker centre for lunch. It was so blardy sunny that I thought I was going to melt under the heat.
As I sat down, it started raining. Storming. Really heavy.
So heavy.
I looked on to the storm outside, and though I was already in the shelter, I could feel the rain splashing in on me.
I was too comfortable to move.
I felt the prickish, fine droplets of rain.
I must be sitting too near to the open. I must be not getting sheltered enough for not going further away.
I finished my lunch, and headed to the train station…. and the rain stopped.
I went back to office to get some work done. It was blardy hot and sunny at Redhill.
Met up with Brian for him to sign some form, and a short coffee session which Filicia joined us for.
Haven’t seen him nor the guys for a while.
He later went to pick his girlfriend up, whilst Filicia and I went over to the ice cream place to get myself a much needed chocolate shot.
I left for Orchard to do some essentials shopping for Minibean. D W met up with me, before we headed for dinner, and later on, a dose of chocolate cake and Camomile to soothe.
I finally am starting to stock up some stuff already, ya know?
Though I am still short of many, many things.
Been busy checking out the prices, comparing the ranges, and striking out the hands-me-down.
I am a last minute queen, I know.
And my friends are all panicking for me whilst I am the one still at ease that I have yet to do any shopping at this stage.
I finally dragged my tired body home after walking around Isetan to check out the discounted items and bought some smaller items that are easier to carry.
***
Tuesday.
I can’t quite remember what I did.
But if I am not wrong…… it was CSI: Miami day.
I awoke to find a missed call from him, which I did call back.
Oh I remember now.
I went to IKEA to do some shopping too, with Berlinda.
But the things didn’t seem sturdy enough, and we gave up after a while.
We went for dinner at ABC market, before I took a long cab ride back, feeling totally drained.
***
Monday.
Went back to office for unit meeting, felt terribly sheepish about last month’s lousy production, as well as the not-really substantial funds I raised for the Children’s Cancer Foundation.
The meeting was a really long one, and ended only at 7. I walked away feeling lousy, obviously.
The unit has decided to go for a day trip to Sebana Cove in early October, paid for by my manager, and had taken my condition into consideration.
So we might all be going, with me taking the ferry together with them, bunking in with them.
A very nice gentleman picked me up post-meeting to whisk me to Takashimaya for some baby shopping, before treating me to a very nice dinner, and sending me back.
Thank you, really.
After I got home, Barry called to ask if I was up for supper, and he came over to pick me up.
We haven’t met for many years man!
I gave him a welcome-back hug and then got into his car, not knowing where to go.
As he drove aimlessly, we ended up in….. East Coast McDee’s.
We sat there and chatted for the longest time, before I asked him if he noticed something different, and then matter-of-factly told him what he obviously missed.
It was nice, long catch-up session, and I like to hang around such friends who make me feel comfortable.
He spoke of France, and I once again, felt that urge in me to wanna run away.
We took a walk on the walkway, and then decided it was late and he sent me back home.
It was, nostalgic.
***
Sunday.
Sunday was the day after I had posted up the previous post.
Actually on Saturday night, Berlinda had came over to.. check this out, boil tonic soup for me. Aww, how sweet can my friends be?
Dad then called to ask if I was up for supper, and I asked Berlinda along.
We spent the night, talking, and I spent the night, worrying about a friend of mine.
(Babe, if you are reading this, I hope you are okay).
I didn’t get much sleep that night though. The little one just wouldn’t stop kicking and I found myself with too much of a cluttered mind.
Berlinda stayed for the night, and it reminded me of the old days…
She even started clearing up my place for me because my part time help, was making more of a mess than anything else. She didn’t close a container properly, and had randomly put it on top of the fridge. When I had opened the fridge down, it actually came raining down on me, and the container fell open with its contents spilled onto the floor.
She saw me cleaning it up, and insisted on taking over the job.
How sweet can a friend get?
And she made the meanest tonic soup.
The next morning(or early afternoon), my ex-colleagues from Playworks dropped by with big plastic bags in tow.
Maybelle and Elaine had picked up some toys and clothes from Elaine’s friends. We spent the afternoon sifting through the piles, with them scrutinising the pieces(Berlinda studied fashion, and was doing QC for the material), and threw away almost 70% of those, most of which are dirtied, too old, too rough, too lacey(will make babies itch!).
The toys were almost in too bad a condition to be re-used.
But the efforts of the girls touched me greatly.
We then went to meet Johnson at Jurong Point for lunch, and they paid for the baby detergent and softener. We tried to look around for stuff, but those that were sold there were too pricey and limited.
Elaine bought a set of yellow clothes(ahem, I chose the colour, yes) for Minibean.
They insisted on helping me to bring back the bottles of detergent, because they were heavy.
So the 4 of them came back to my place where we sat around to bitch about ex-colleagues.
They left before it started to storm.
Berlinda was such a great help.. she even tried to clean up my kitchen before she left.
She is always the motherly one.
After they left, I just wanted to sleep on for the longest time.
I don’t know why.
But I just wanted to sleep the deafening silence away.
I did.
I woke up and the guys suggested mahjong.
I played mahjong. They bought dinner over, and it was nice.
Days have been exceptionally busy yet fulfilling, and nevertheless amply blessed. Been out almost everyday, hoping to make the best out of each before I would get too penguin-like to move about.
I will come out of my shell quick enough.
And I wanna thank so many of you, really.
Especially those brilliant ones whom I have met up over the week. Thank you is not enough, ever.
You know what they say about pregos having really bad memory?
I eat my prescribed vitamins everyday, and I would go to the same spot in the house to look for that entire box of vitamins, pop one, before heading out of the house.
Somehow today when I woke up, I went to the same spot, and couldn’t seem to find it.
I can’t remember where the box is, and I searched every room and still can’t find it.
Where is it huh?
*Side note: I think Dad had accidentally threw it again together with the McDee’s paperbag, thinking the vitamin box is empty.
Oh well, I have to stick to the old ones my doctor gave me earlier then.
How good it is if there is a mental-recorder that could jot down each running thought through my mind, and that would save me the hassles of letting my fingers do the talking.
I have too many things up on my head these days, and trying to express them into words is becoming a dreadful event.
This post, was drafted after1st goodbye(?) was said. Then again, when was the “1st goodbye”? It was actually… some time back. It didn’t take place.
So we did say our goodbyes finally on 23rd August. And yet, it took another more conclusive one on Tuesday, to not only say goodbye to the relationship, but, also, to a friendship.
It does have more to add on, definitely, because I had prized the friendship more dearly.
Last year, this day, I took a bold move, to face the world which I had hid away from.
You may not remember, but I had chosen that day, to finally stop warping my pictures.
And today, this blog shall be the witness of yet another…. milestone of my life.
***
I used to dissect most parts of my life with words, accounting each event, some minute, some major, to journal the process, or perhaps, to perform the last rites to their conclusions.
I am not sure if the post-mortem of the recent goodbye is an absolute necessary.
Perhaps the cleverer way, would be stashing the words away, and summarised it with just a few simple, concise sentences without further elaborating.
And with a snap of finger, the next thought to mind upon its demise, would be the replacement of a simpler thought, say, ‘What should I do on a Saturday night?’, without a need to dwell on.
Yeap, it is indeed a cleverer way. And a relief too, for some.
Perhaps, that is why, this post is a difficult birth. And maybe, a little cold.
I snapped my fingers too many a times during the drafting of this, refusing any thoughts to trickle out. I mean, yes, words are expected out of me, but in no way would I want it to be mistaken to be an overdose of emotions, you see.
And in the process, minding too much what would people perceive, how would people take it, would it be intepreted the wrong way, knowing who are reading, the self-censorship takes over and you just feel there isn’t a need to write.
Sometimes, brutal honesty drives people further away.
But now, it wouldn’t make any difference, would it?
Seriously, I would ratheryou, yes, you, SBB, not read this. Because the last thing I want to, is to start looking like a fool in the pouring rain, with you looking on with indifference under the umbrella.
***
I thought it was a pretty little irony.
The first time I listened to the song attentively, was… on my birthday.
That was a sweet one.
After we had stepped into the hallway, he whipped out a colourful package, and I laughed at how gay the rainbow wrapping paper had looked.
He had wanted to wrap it in 25 pieces of brown paper, but had underestimated how much paper he had, and thus, I had only had to struggle with only 10 layers of wrapping… before I reached the core of my surprise.
I thought the scribblings on 3 particular pieces of the wrappings were awfully adorable with his adolescent-style handwriting.
And then… there was it:
Apparently, he had thought I was always misplacing my keys, and thought a wallet with a key-compartment would be ideal for the muddle-head.
I beamed widely as I thought it was really thoughtful, as much as I know how unthoughtful and insincere he could get when getting gifts for people and yet he could always pass it off as if he had spent a great deal of effort put in. Laughs, that’s his gift, I guess.
I threw my arms around him for a big thank-you, and eagerly dangled my house key onto one of the hooks.
I was happy.
In my hall, he busied himself with his work, as I sat by his side, reaching out for the occasional snuggle and cuddle when I was vying for some affections and attention with his work.
He had whined slightly earlier that he was feeling hungry, and gave me the doe-eyed puppy look so the birthday girl would get her ass off the couch to cook instant mee goreng for him.
After some silly jostling, and silly phototaking, Famous Amos munching, the song came on.
He later sent the song, together with Gary Jules’ Mad World to me, though I was only aware of Mad World only recently when I heard it on CSI.
I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. I didn’t actually realise he had sent it(Mad World) to me back then, though he had sent me again after reading it on my blog recently, until I saw it in my history just now.
And yes, back to that song….
I understand how many people would have already used it with its overexposure on the airwaves.
But it was something I had meant to blog about since… March, before anything snowballed, but I guess it is time.
For the song, had summed up everything, long before the end.
***
***
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
Right….
I guess I did.
You know that there isn’t one thing I wouldn’t say no to you to… yet the ultimate betrayal(?) came when I couldn’t give in to you, that one time.
Just this once.
I am not sure if I had disappointed you greatly, or that you would feel let down by me.
One recent Thursday when we had met up in town, we parted our ways right opposite Far East. Strangely, that was the exact spot that brought back much of the memories of my older days of inner struggles.
That lingering hug, was tight. I held on, suddenly feeling afraid. Not sure if it was the place. Not sure if it was that particular moment. As if, something was going to happen.
The very instance, the very word that I wanted to say but never came out, was, ‘I’m sorry.‘
I turned my head, and I started tearing.
You didn’t know, do you?
That felt… like goodbye. For good. And I knew it was.
Guilt.
For so many reasons.
Yes, I do even feel guilt to put you through such inconveniences and agony for whatever decisions I chose. Isn’t that funny.
And yes, you might not know how guilt has plagued me for so, so long. Right from the start. Constantly. Always.
And that guilt, eats away part of me everytime, chewing on the bare leftovers of my esteem.
I am not a good person, I condemned, right from the beginning. And slowly, there wasn’t any turning back.
Yet, we had never expected how things would get out of hands as we slipped into the comfort zone we should never venture into.
The guilt grew. Multiplied.
And oh, how the judges would frown.
For this decision, and more. As I face the consequences and backlash of what is to come. And who can forget the hideous truth that hides beneath, that already drew sneers from the judges who had already passed their verdicts?
Many, many judges out there. And it shall be an endless trial.
I should have known.
Correction. Haven’t I already knew?
I am not a good person.
And that’s why, I wish to believe you are.
At least, one of us is.
***
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
My birthday..
He was sitting at the edge of the couch, leaning forward, looking intently at his work.
The song that came on, quietened us.
The introduction was of ivories, weighted heavily down. One, that is laced with hesitancy.
(It must be some mockery or something. As I am typing this… the familiar tune of the introduction now plays.)
He threw his back onto the couch, a break from his work.
“I like this song..” he casually said.
Suddenly, there was only silence, except for the haunting melody.
He pulled me close, propped my head on his shoulders, our arms entwined round each other.
We stayed that way for the longest time, as each, single word of the song bit into us.
And yes, weren’t we already aware how this would someday come to an end?
I gave it three weeks. But it took another step, and another, and another, and before we knew it, 13 fabulous months had passed.
It wasn’t just an usual cuddle, we clung on tight as each sentence of the song prevails.
I laid there, listening, and we both knew that this is a sure prophecy of what is to come.
Just that we didn’t how the rest of the song, would fulfill a prophecy he wished would never take place.
It was a bittersweet moment as we sat through the entire song. It was quaintly beautiful, and yet ironically sad.
It would definitely come to a halt. Enjoy the ride, we had always said.
The affair would end, but I guess the sad part, and the unexpected part was the conclusion of a friendship.
It was beautiful throughout, definitely.
How it begun, remains a mystery.
Was it just another successful mind game of yours? I know not of.
But I should have smelled trouble right when we slipped into the comfort zone before it was sparked off.
I knew, it shouldn’t head down that way, and I brushed off any suggestion that it would lead to something.
And yet, I didn’t know better, did I?
Was there mind games on my part?
I don’t know. I only know that I had wanted to get into an unknown world of your inner self.
Maybe I was curious, maybe I was intrigued. Maybe I thought you needed a friend.. to touch that softer side of you.
Collecting wounded puppies is what I do, I laughed.
You are a nice person, I thought. I would have thought you needed a friend, a companion. But I might have overlooked the fact that, you needed a toy.
I wanted to take your soul out into the night…. for a slow waltz under the moonlight.
***
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
Many a times, we have deluded ourselves into thinking that ‘no strings attached’ isn’t really mission impossible.
How many times have we reminded ourselves that?
And we knew right from the start, by laying down the ground rules.
How naive were we?
We were 2 lonely souls who were looking for directions at that phase of our lives.. and our paths crossed unexpectedly.
13 months is not long… but it is definitely not short either. Long enough to intertwine parts of our lives together, leaving traces, trails, bits and pieces of each other here and there.
And there, will always be a cause, and effect.
Cast the bullocks theory of no-strings attached aside, I saw a row of dominoes stacked prettily alongside each other, and the chain effect that follows when one of it collapses onto the other.
Like you said, we crossed paths.. to me, we were not sure where we were heading, and as we figured our next destination in our lives, we walked down the road together, laughing and talking along the way, speaking of the joys and frustrations we had encountered in our previous passages.
It came to a point that I need to take that turn to the next stop of my life, and you, to enjoy the walk, and to figure out where you need to head to next.
Two ships, heading towards different directions, moving on, you said.
I would like to say you still have a friend in me.
I remember the classic line you always used on your preysbarbie dolls when you cross the line of friends/lovers, “I am sorry about what happened, but I hope it won’t jeopardise our friendship…“
You always maintain how you believe in staying as friends, don’t you?
In the first place, you had never wanted a friendship with anyone, do you?
Why would you be afraid of jeopardising the friendship when you already plan to withdraw yourself away from the friendship right from the beginning?
You said you would be cool.. since you were the one who laid down the rules. Truth is, you are never the cool one, but always the one, who is afraid.
Perhaps, the only thing that you do care, is that they might make things turn ugly.
And of course, that brings back the entire point. It is all about you, not that you are afraid of hurting anyone else.
“I don’t like collecting acquaintances.” I said dryly, when you insisted that you would still call once in a while, simply because you wanted to know how I would be coping and doing.
Truth is, I really don’t.
Does it make you feel better and alleviate that guilt in you, just for you to do what you want to do, so you would feel better that at least you have ‘done your part’?
I wish I could be like you, retracting back each and every ounce of ‘care’ for people as and when I want to.
Sadly, as much as I would like to shake you off my life, like how you would love me to vanish from yours, I have to acknowledge the fact that I have to leave with whatever traces you had left me with, before you walked out of my life, hoping I would stay out of yours too.
And it won’t just stop there.
In the end, it was nothing.
Not even a real friendship for that 13 months, and it’s… disappointing.
***
You touched my heart, you touched my soul,
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed,
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.
Yes… you did.
I guess I allowed the wrong person into my comfort zone.
And yah, laughs, I guess you did change my goals in life in a way.
But, it was beautiful to share your dreams, with you sharing mine. Thank you. I guess that is something I would remember for a long while.
“Who am I to you?” I asked.
“A friend.. someone who understood.“
But you don’t need friends, do you? Or maybe, just one of the random many.
You posed the question back to me.
“A friend. A lover. Someone special.. I guess.“
You could have meant so much more, but not that you have genuine interest in that.
I could only take comfort that, you thought I understood.
That smell of yours… still lingers.
Still haunts.
And yes, I know you well. I know you are selfish because you are afraid of getting hurt, but I didn’t think it is a valid excuse.
Because your vision only allows you to see your own hurt…. when you are doing damages to everyone else around you.
The bottomline, is still you.
***
Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one,
You have been the one for me.
The song played on as we cuddled close.
The chorus came on with James Blunt’s vocals in full zest.
I felt him gathering me tighter into his bosom, as he clawed his fingers into me with each tightening grasp.
I moved in closer, and dwelled deeper.
It was a weird feeling… tinged by a sense of melancholy sweetness.
And now, it is finally goodbye.
Not only to a lover.
But to a friend.
Thank you. I can’t say it enough, that you have been there for me for the most life-changing part of my life.
From the day I ventured out of my comfort zone, to the day I started to find myself within, to the day I opened up myself, to the day I acknowledged the sensuality within, to the day I plunged myself into the big, bad corporate world….
To… today.
And beyond.
***
I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
Yes, I am always the dreamer.
I could have painted words that seem to put you on the pedestral whilst you look on, soundless, in silence.
Does it give you a sense of victory, as if someone has put in more than you did…. as you smirk in the darkness that you have once again won?
And you could put it that ‘girls are emotional… and well they should have known from the start that it is a no-strings attached affair.’
I guess you fail to see the point. You failed to see… from all the past examples.
And when emotions set in, you might have thought they are what you think they are, but you can’t be more wrong.
Because you fail to see beyond.
Not that people had expected more from you, or that they were hoping that you would be that fairytale prince, and that you have left them disappointed.
Maybe to you, you thought that is the only reason why they, me inclusive, are affected, right?
You couldn’t be more wrong. Really.
This is a real world, and princes don’t exist.
If they do, you definitely won’t be one… something we all know from the start, no?
***
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us and all we used to be.
I once said that I know how you can move on without looking back, and it wouldn’t be difficult for you to do so.
I know how many of the things said here may sound as if I am angry or that I am ranting with lingering bad feelings.
Oddly, I don’t feel anything negative towards you.. I just feel some kind of sadness for you that you might take a long while to learn many other things…
But I will not deny that, indeed, like you said, it has been nice, very nice. I was happy, in a way I hadn’t been in a long while.
Though on hindsight, it might not have worth all the things I have to go through eventually, but it was good.
I didn’t know I was capable of being happy and comfortable with someone, and thanks for showing me that.
I will move on, and remember much of all we used to be.
We learnt, from each other. I did learn quite a bit of myself through you, and it wasn’t entirely sexual.
I did try to leave you bits and pieces of tidbits, hoping you would one day see that there is nothing much to be afraid of life. That you don’t have to always mask yourself behind that selfishness.
And that you may one day give in to the other conflicting side of yours, the much more lovelier side.
One day, you might look back, and see some things in whole new perspective.
It would be nice though, for you to remember the beauty of it, sparing me that little corner of thoughts.
But I would not expect you to do so… because it is just nothing to you, isn’t it?
***
I’ve seen you cry I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the mother of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
Out of the above, I’m most contended seeing your emotions, and watching you sleep, when you are most like a baby.
And ha, how would we know, as we snuggled upclose whilst listening to the song on my birthday that it gave a glimpse of what was to come just a few days later, on the 13th March.
“I am sorry that I decide to keep the baby..” I muttered on the day we said our goodbyes when I was at work.. 23rd August.
“I am sorry too. I am sorry that you decide to keep the baby too.“
That is one thing, you don’t have to feel sorry towards me.
I know you are afraid. It is already in the script that this day would come. You have outstayed the length I had expected you to, really.
As much as you were afraid, you had given me quite a great deal of comfort throughout for the months you had stuck around, though it was evident that it created a strain that was on the friendship.. or relationship we were having.
And I am sorry that you want nothing to do with her, and that because of her, there is no way that we could remain as friends.
It is kinda funny, it is kinda sad, that it is on that last phone call that we had, yes the one for 5 hours, that we could finally talk candidly about her, freely.
Yes, I am sorry that I couldn’t give in to this one request you ask of me. I did try, and I had wanted to try.
And as we come to the end of the road… and how I know you would move on well, I guess all I can say is, I have no regrets, and even more so now.
Would there really be a man who would take care of me and would come along and appreciate me for who I am? Like the sincere wishes you had for me?
And yes, that is still the biggest mockery of all, because it was already something I believe not in since the day I decided to take the plunge and face the social stigma.
I am not a nice person, and there is barely anything about me that anyone would ever appreciate.
Yet, I hope she will be the nice person I never was.
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