On a slow-paced Wednesday evening, there was barely anyone I could talk to online.I stared blankly into the monitor, feeling the last ounce of my energy seeping out of me.

Yet again, the tears rammed past the dam, and I broke down.

***

*Blinking MSN window*

‘You okay?’

I just didn’t know how to respond.

I didn’t.

Until a while later, whilst I was still trying to smear the last bit of it with the back of my hand.

Must be you right?

***

It was almost 4am when we both complained of hunger over the phone.

I felt a great urge to head out for supper last night.

I wonder when would be the next time I could just act on the impulse of my hunger, and just head out as and when, regardless the time of the day.

Hmmm…

Eventually, I didn’t. That bugger insisted I head over to his area cos he was lazy. Heartless creeeeeeeeeeeeeep you. Not near okay!

I threatened that I might have contractions anytime to try to convince him to buy supper for me instead, and he just very nicely went ‘I.. er would call ambulance for you.‘

‘You paying for it?’

‘Uhm.. nope.‘

Thanks huh. *Pats SBB on the back*

Nahbeh.

***

Memory failing me.

I thought my appointment was at 7pm, but was shocked to find out it was actually 6pm.

Woops.

And it was storming and thundering when I ventured out of the house.

The rain was so heavy that the pavements were flooded, and I had water to my ankle.

Waited 45 minutes for my turn, and because I have to monitor my fetal movements everyday, Minibean was obviously less active today.

So Dr Chua asked me to have my dinner first, before returning for an hour of heartbeat monitoring.

Minibean’s heartbeat was like ranging between 120-180 and I fell asleep listening to it.

Apparently, Dr Chua needed to check for my uteral contractions through the monitoring and I would be admitted if there was any signs.

So, there wasn’t and that means, I wouldn’t be giving birth within these 2 days.

My next checkup would be on Monday.

And if she’s still feeling cosy inside by Wednesday…. we would discuss the possibility of inducing.

So… scary!!

***

I might be going to Sitex to help my Dad get a digicam.

But the distance and the crowd is scary.

What would you guys recommend? Any good deals at Sitex huh?

***

Oh, I am actually lighter than last week!

61.4kg.

Total weight gain is around 8 or 9kg.

***

I didn’t manage to do any packing today, nor remove any cabinets.

***

By the time I left the clinic, it was already late. 10 plus.

I was exhausted, and was carrying some grocery. I walked quite a distance to the pretty crowded cab stand, where cabs were scarce.

I stood in line, and the thing that really perturbed me for the night happened. I was damn irritated after the entire episode.

2 visually-handicapped men walked down the pavement tapping their canes, with one of them leading the other one.

Perhaps they were aware there was a crowd standing around the cab stand, so they started tapping their canes, and looked pretty helpless.

They started calling out, ‘Hello? Is this the taxi stand?’.

Since I was standing a distance away, I thought those around them would respond to them.

No one blardy bothered to!

Since the one leading the way had a cane in his hand, and the one behind him was holding on to that hand, he standing reaching out his hand into the air.

And you could see the crowd scattered and shrunk their bodies away, and ignored them. You could see them literally springing away from their paths.

The worst is that some of them gave looks of disgust, as if they were diseased, and walked away from them.

And no one even acknowledged their question if it was the cab stand!

I mean, how ridiculous was that?

I walked out of my line, and told them this was the cab stand, and there is a queue, with very few cabs, and they could stand behind me(since those people were just standing around the cab stand, I couldn’t be bothered about them).

He held out his hand, and I guided his arm while the rest of the people at the cab stand gave me weird stares as if I was touching someone dirty.

But because they were visually handicapped, they were actually facing the wrong direction, and not towards the front.

But since the queue wasn’t moving, I didn’t turn them towards the right direction.

After waiting for a while, they asked a question again, and by then, there were already more people queueing behind the pair, who were facing them.

And again, no one bothered to answer them.

So I turned them towards my direction and told them few cabs were stopping and guided them into the queue.

Right then, more cabs came and people were getting on the cabs, and the queue was moving.

And the rest of the people were just giving them weird stares.

Until this nice lady who was with her children, who was then at the start of the queue, suddenly called out to me, and told me to let them have the cab first. There was 4 people behind her, before it would be our turns.

I sent them up the cab, and I could see the impatient looks on those behind because the nice lady had let the 2 men board the cab first.

Duhhhhhh…

What the hell.

Why ah? I cannot understand why Singaporeans can be so ugly sometimes.

And it got on my nerves cos my hormones are making me so…. easily disturbed these days.

***

More things getting on my nerves.

Laughable, laughable things.

Sometimes, don’t you just find it irritatingly funny that some people can be so blind? So deluded? So oblivious to what the truth is?

***

When it stormed today.. I realised I had went for all my scans and checkups by myself throughout all these months, except for that one time when he waited outside the consultation room, whilst I spoke to my gynaecologist about.. well, the decision which I didn’t take.

I saw the silver flash slicing across the sky, and I cringed a little.

Wind was strong.

My feet were soaked.

I am still, afraid of thunders.

I still wanna snuggle under the duvet for that last traces of warmth.

I remember when I was 16, I was feeling so frustrated with my life that I walked into one of Jurong Point’s hair salons with Lina in my school uniform, and came out with a new haircut.I didn’t want to head out to anywhere today after a good sob as I stared blankly into the monitor upon completion on my previous post.

I hid my face behind my palms and the world went blank.

It has been a day I hid from everyone.

I messaged only one person to ask if he wanna have dinner at Jurong Point, and was half hoping he wouldn’t reply me so I wouldn’t have to face the world.

You know, sometimes you know you gotta take a breather, but yet, you are fearful of doing so?

But he did, and he was actually already at Jurong Point.

I wanted to back out, but knowing how I still need to get some stuff, I didn’t.

I was slow to warm up, but it is always nice when you are in the company of someone who wouldn’t take offense of your silence.

I really can’t thank you enough for the evening as you shopped around with a very hormonal prego.

Though I think it is pretty stressful to be hanging out with one who has stomach pains/discomfort due to indigestion.

And it is darn therapeutic to be walking past a hair salon, and just decide to have a hair cut.

And I finally parted with the curls that made me look taitai-ish.

It’s not short, definitely, cos I still need to tie them up when I can’t wash my hair for 2 weeks(I would love to flip my hair into my friends’ faces when I do see them), and the ends are still slightly curled. I have a feeling that my hair will look an outright mess soon. Neither straight, nor curled.

Definitely lighter. And I ordered my split ends to be chopped off too.

Somehow.. I was very tempted to go for something much shorter.. but the dreadful thought of not able to tie it up during confinement eliminated that option.

***

Sleeping is a much more painful chore these nights.

My gums bleed so badly every time I brush my teeth that the foam looks like watermelon juice.

I no like feeling helpless.

I finally finished my new read, which only lasted me 2 days.

***

Anyone has a 2nd hand Medela Mini-Electric breast pump for sale?

Waiting, is sometimes like living on the edge…

***

My gynaecologist is on leave.

My designated contact-to-call when contractions come in is hospitalised.

The 2nd standby is on reservist.

And yet, whilst they are already cluttered with so much more major things at hands, they still have to spare a little thought to worry for me.

Sometimes, I feel more of a burden than anything else, you know?

(Of course Minibean, not you)

Minibean, be good, and wait till Dr Chua comes back, okay?

***

My girlie pals decided to pick up what the men couldn’t deliver(like, moving of bulky objects), and helped out with the moving and packing.

I could forsee a hilarious day coming up, together with the brilliant display of girl power.

***

Mum eagerly bought baby pillow and bolster for Minibean(which I doubt she would use it till few months later) and I thought it was really sweet.

***

I should be reading this book. Ha!

***

Remember the Sebana Cove trip I had with my colleagues?

I had put off putting the pictures online because I haven’t gotten the rest from my colleague yet.

I suspect I wouldn’t be getting it anytime soon, and I have officially grew tired of waiting.

Yes, waiting. I have grown so tired of waiting for all sorts of things in the past weeks.

So, here are the pictures, and some minimal recap of the trip, which on hindsight, was a nice break.

Warning though. Since it was a leisure trip, bare and naked face alert.

I woke up insanely early(I actually missed my alarm cos I was so tired, but thanks to a morning call from SBB, which woke me up just in time) to have Ronald and Peggy picking me up to head to Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal for the 7 plus ferry.

Oh, can you imagine, it was my first time to the terminal, and I was pretty fascinated by this obscure part of Singapore.

The ferry ride was pretty alright, and I was looking all tired from the lack of sleep.

Whee! We finally arrived at Sebana Cove after a 45 minutes ferry ride.

I realised I am not that much of a resort person, because such slow-paced and ‘do-nothing-but-relax’ trips bore the hell outta me.

I need actions! I need to roam the streets! I need to explore! I need to experience new things!

The balcony which we didn’t utilise at all.

I shared my room with the wonderful Evelyn, and the room was cosy and decent.

Since it was on weekdays when we graced the resort, it felt as if we had the entire resort to ourselves.

Upon arrival, it didn’t take the guys long to strip and dip into the cooling pool, and it became a waterpolo match amongst the guys whilst the ladies could only look on.

Darn those dark rings.

Honestly, I quite couldn’t stay still, and I had so much wanted to join in the fun.

Which, of course, I didn’t manage to. But I did manage to stretch and spring myself out of the water save a goal at the net before I was ordered to keep out of the ‘battlefield zone’ by the panicky bunch who insisted I shouldn’t be in the line of fire.

I sulked and swam back to the steps where the ladies were chilling.

And cough, here are the pictures of a 32-weeks prego in cough, bikini!

Oh God, I need a waist.

We sat by this side of the pool most of the afternoon whilst the guys battled it out, and I enjoyed nice conversations with this absolute darling here - Janet.

She was such a gem to have around during the trip, and I really, really adore her to bits.

She’s really mature beyond her years(21?), and takes good care of people around her. And she gave me lotsa tips on motherhood since she is a proud mum to a cutie cute girl as well.

When we submerged into the cold water, Minibean would squirm and start fidgeting within.

We headed for lunch from the pool, and waited for hours before we could finally eat our lunch.

Lunch wasn’t fantastic and left us feeling dissatisfied.

We headed back to our rooms to wash up, and we dropped by our neighbour’s room for Big 2 sessions right after that.

The ahem, young and, ahem, energetic bunch.

It was time to gather again, and I eagerly looked forward to our next program - Archery!

I wasn’t of Legolas level, but I did have an excuse!

I mean, I couldn’t hold the bow perpendicular to my body at all since my tummy was in the way.

We split into 2 groups and had a competition.

My group won the first time round, but we soon conceded the 2nd and 3rd round to the other team.

So we ended up, *cough* the *ahem* losers.

I look so tai tai in this can?

Archery is good for training the muscles. And after that session, I felt cheated by how simple Lord of the Rings had portrayed archery to be.

It was near the mooncake festival, and I was a Hou Yi wannabe.

I swear there is a nicer picture of me posing somewhere in my colleague’s camera.

I need some coaching lessons(1-to-1 preferably) from Legolas in his Elvish gear(which wouldn’t stay on for long, I promise).

Okay, more cam-whoring.

I know, I know. I am such a poser.

The guys went for a game of soccer, and the ladies retreated back into the room. I did manage to try vying for the ball with a couple of the guys, before the same panic voices stopped me from doing so when my leg got tangled with one of theirs.

I want to play….. *Sulk*

I ended up napping for an hour before dinner.

And gee, what a difference dinner was from lunch.

We had a nice, long table set up by the dock, overseeing the marina, out in the open.

As I sat there looking out into the darkness most of the time, we had free flow of barbeque meat and buffet served for the evening.

In the background, we were serenaded by Bocelli(CD).

We went to the bar to chill a little.

Eventually, we all retired early for the night, ending the tiring day.

2nd day was of absolute boredom to me, cos I was the only one who didn’t get to cycle with them, and had to stay in the room to sleep.

I wanted to join them, obviously…………………..

But I suspect I would get a good smack on the hand from everyone if I did.

That was the only program they had for the day before they dip into the pool again.

We packed, checked out, had a bit of lunch before we all returned to Singapore by ferry.

It was a choppy ride.

And then, it was a dreadful cab ride in the peak hour traffic from east to west, before I was welcomed by the embrace of home sweet home.

When you just want to sit by the darkest corner of the room, hug your knees tightly to your chest, with nails digging into your own shoulders, break down, and have a good sob.

And then, you wish you could scream your head off, pull out your hair in utter frustration, tell the entire world to bugger off, and leave you alone.

And then. Silence.

You drag your bruised and battered body up. Lifeless. Hollow. Empty. Disoriented. You refused to let the next drop of tear spill over the frame of lashes.

Life goes on. And you place yourself back into the big, bad, uncertain world ahead.

You think it is clearer. You think your are braver. You think you are stronger. You think you can take on the world alone.

No, it chipped off you.

It’s the pride talking.

Hold my hand, will you?

The rain was beautiful last night, wasn’t it?

I wish there was a pair of assuring arms around me, to tell me everything’s gonna be alright as I concede to my weakness for once.

No there wasn’t. There won’t be any.

The only arms around me, were those of mine, with nails digging deep into my shoulders… tattooing the fear.. deeper, and deeper.

I feel too heavy to be moving about these couple of days.And I am growing increasingly paranoid.

I could feel more pains and aches, intensively I might add, and the lethargy is just too much for me to handle.

It’s like, I slept at 4.30am on early Sunday morning, and only woke up 11 hours later at 3.30pm.
I struggled to venture out for lunch.

By 9, I felt the unmistakenable fatigue and I fell asleep. Woke up near 12 to catch the clash of the titans on the sports channel.

I only slept early this morning when I saw the sky paling at 6 plus after doing some reading.

Somehow, I woke up instinctively at half past 1, to check on the laundry.

Without my glasses, and with my eyes still half closed(I tend to walk around with my eyes shut when I am fresh from my sleep), I ventured to the laundry area to check on Minibean’s washings.

Most of the articles were already dry, yet some of them were still 20% damp.

I collected them and dumped the dry ones into the drawers, and was almost ready to head back to bed when the sky suddenly turned gloom on me.

Within 5 minutes, the rattlings against the windows announced the rain’s arrival.

Thank God I was awake, and still without my glasses, I hurried to collect the rest of the clothes hanging on the pole.

Or else I would have to wash them again. Phew.

Must be the instinct in me that predicted the weather.

And I didn’t get back to sleep.

Bleah.

And now, less than 3 hours after I first woken up, I felt an incredible urge to head back to bed again with the nagging pain in the pelvic, crotch and back.

It almost feels like first trimester again.

I was asked by 2 ladies, whom I am deeply indebted to, to blog.So after finally sorted out my hospital bag(I just need to finally get the breast pump and I could just sweep it off the corner of the hall in times of emergency), and putting the baby stuff into my spanking new chest of drawers, I could finally sit down comfortably in front of my desktop to recount the past hectic 4 days(mostly fuelled by my nesting instinct).

But no, I am not ready to pop, yet.

And very well done-ly, my gynaecologist would be on leave! The horrors! But she will be back by Thursday…

So baby, hang in there, okay(Though, I am seriously thinking how my belly would be so stretched that toning it would be a horrible chore. In JD’s words: If you can slim to 25 inches, you can go one corner and giggle already, alright!)?

I am seriously contemplating of shifting this site to wordpress(publishing on blogger is a bitch these days), and I could start blogging shorter posts, as and when I want to do it. Neat, crisp, impulsive.

Oh, does that consider as nesting instinct too?

***

The problem with living in a house you don’t really take care of, is that, you would realise how much there is to take care of when the occasion calls for.

There would be endless things to throw away, and things of sentimental values from the past(from as young as 7), would be quickly chucked out for more space for the baby stuff.

Let’s hope I won’t one day look back and regret.

***

I happily penguin-walked to IKEA on a damp Wednesday evening and lugged back many, many things.

Mostly storage space so those unsightly stuff(cough, cough) would be kept hidden.

We bought JD a birthday present(a deck chair), which FF and I very competently dragged back to my place(not light okay!). So proud of ourselves.

See, who needs men?

A lot of things in the house are falling apart or are too old, and needed replacement. But I guess, I shall just start from my room….

***

FF was my heroine on Wednesday night.

She not only helped me lug the heavy shopping back to my place, she also mounted the ladder for me to change my curtains(since I am usually pretty clumsy, I didn’t want to take the chance to climb onto the ladder).

But she was mean to me when she called me stupid. When she heard a yell from me…… she had rushed to the hall to find me standing there yelping in pain whilst standing still.

Apparently, while trying to fix my new shoe rack together, I was holding on to the 2 main pieces of wood, and had not seen the 4 pieces of small wood, that eventually fell onto my left index toe.

Very the pain.

I now have a black bruise on my toe.

I have to say it again, it was very painful.

Ouch.

She macho-ly grabbed the pieces of wood from my hands, and fixed up the rack for me.

I ended up delaying her studying progress.

Sorry darling.. and thank you so much. *Squeeze titties*

***

I felt so sick on Thursday and it felt kinda weird.

That set me into a panic mode because I thought the signs might come any time.

The queasiness, uneasiness, and slight cramp in the tummy.

I got fearful and rushed to get last minute shopping done.

Good news is, my nursing bras finally came in the mail, and I was really fascinated by them.

I mean, they are kinda kinky ya know? Until SBB joked that the theory is similar to that of crotchless panties, then did I remember why it kinda amused me. Muahaha.

Met up with JD the birthday queen, and VampTreSS, who had asked me to be on standby cos she didn’t know what time they would be done.

Apparently there was some miscommunication and JD was already waiting at Bugis.

A supposed surprise didn’t become too much of a surprise though. Heh.

We ended up shopping with JD, and I saw a green chiffon tube dress from GG>5 which I absolutely adore… and yes, I still fit into a size S, thank you.

Ahem, Christmas coming, hor, people?

By then, I should be able to squeeze into it. With a slightly bulging tummy that is.

We sat down for drinks in the heavy rain, before we shopped around Seiyu. JD left with SYT for her surprise dinner soon after.

Happy birthday Queen. You ought to be happy. I wish you abundant happiness hereon forth.. cos we all want you to be happy.

Somehow, as I was in Bugis, I was reminded of one particular evening a year ago, just briefly.

I browsed somemore around Seiyu, and I saw the very thing that reminded me of why we met up in Bugis then.

Such coincidence. Ha.

***

I left Bugis to head down to Orchard, and I ended up buying bedroom slippers(I was told I have to wear socks with slippers during confinement), and a face towel, which promptly went into the washing machine so I could pack into my hospital bag.

I ended up at Kinokuniya, where I had wanted to pick up a chick lit, and ended up succumbing to a suspense book yet again.

Stupid move.

***

I had a late dinner, before strolling down Orchard Road with the pretty street lights flanking me.

I ran my palm and fingers slowly over my belly, where she gave me the occasional kicks playfully, and I muttered, ‘Hey baby… aren’t the Christmas lightings pretty…?’

A wave of loneliness swept over me. Strong and swift.

This year Christmas, I won’t be alone.

***

It was half past 11 when I finally reached home, bushed.

I didn’t sleep till it was almost 5?

Did my laundry, spoke on the phone, yadda yadda. Had supper cos Dad bought some back.

***

I woke up early on Friday, though I didn’t have to till it was 10 plus. I woke up by 9 plus, and went for my routine checkup.

I was told by the clinic assistants that I reminded them of this another expecting mother.

They told me there were some exterior resemblances.. blarblarblar, but I missed seeing her cos she was there earlier.

Then they said, “She is expecting a girl, and supposed to be due on the 6th, but then just now Dr Chua said she is ready to pop during the checkup, so she just went to the hospital. So she should be giving birth tonight.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The horrors.

I mean… I am also expecting a girl.. and due on the 6th. I was praying that the resemblances stop there, since I would have some more work stuff to finish off that afternoon.

During the checkup, Minibean was as usual, fidgeting endlessly, and poking my tummy in all directions.

I saw her strong little heart thumping in the screen.. and mused how it wouldn’t be long before I would be holding her in my arms..

***

It was raining heavily in Jurong, and I had lunch while contemplating where else to go for some last minute shopping.

I was walking around aimlessly, when I saw a familiar face!

FF was having her lunch break and in the area too.

We sat down for lunch together, before I went off to head towards town.

Some punk girl(shaved head, with ugly bits of leftover hair tied up) quickened her pace to an empty seat when I was just about to move over.. and I was so embarrassed cos I ended up with no seats. I stood by the sides of the doors for a while, before a very kind Jurong JC girl offered her seat.

I whipped out my new read, and I nearly screamt murder after reading the first few pages.

^@#$%$%^#(%&(*$%)

I already bought the book before and finished reading the same book.

See! I said wrong move, didn’t I?

To think that I browsed Kinokuniya for a long while, couldn’t make up my mind which book to buy.

I realised I didn’t bring my receipt with me.

But eventually, that decided my destination for the day would be Orchard, and I scurried to Kinokuniya.

I heart Kinokuniya! They checked the inventory without receipt and exchanged my book for me!

I did tell a little lie that I was supposed to get it for a friend, but realised she already has the book.

I don’t want to look like a bimbo to them you know!

***

I then walked around Takashimaya.

Then Tangs.

Then Paragon.

I got myself a nightdress, a bathrobe(all for confinement).

As I was trying on this cute penguin-prints bathrobe, a lady came up to me and told me how cute I look in it.

I joked that I look like a penguin too, and she laughed heartily and eagerly replied, ‘Yes yes! You do!’

I giggled silly-ly.

But also hurting-ly.

I look like penguin???!!!!

***

I strolled around the malls, and had endless people striking up conversations, guessing the gender of Minibean, some asked if I was 6 months pregs, and blarblarblar.

And of course, cough, occasional praises.

Bought some essentials… before I rushed over to Pacific Plaza to meet Brian, who was there waiting for Mindy.

I hadn’t seen them for the longest while, and I had needed him to sign some stuff regarding his funds(damn, his funds are making the highest percentage of profits).

I guess to the guys, it is always a scary sight to see me after not seeing me for a while.

Quite intimidating you know.

Alas, I had to rush off, and didn’t get to see Mindy.

***

I met the very cute Khalid at Isetan, and caught up a little.

***

I had dinner with Nick at Kelvin’s newly opened Nasi Lemak stall in Shenton Way.

I haven’t seen him for ages too, and his first reaction was trying to poke my tummy with the fork cos he said I look so huge that my tummy looked like a balloon ready to burst.

We caught up a bit before I made my way back to Orchard again at 9-ish.

Apparently, Lydia and Wanyi were meeting up, and I decided to drop by to say hi since Lydia would leave today.

So drinks at Coffee Club, with Lydia, Lydia’s friend, Aaron, Wanyi, Shuyin. VampTreSS and Uncle Jem joined us briefly, and the other 2 girlies, FF and JD got high elsewhere and didn’t turn up. Boo.

Lydia is so pretty and… skinny.

***

The night ended early though I had thought there would be other programs coming up.

Friday night’s Orchard Road, is always littered with familiar faces… and faces from the past.

Haunting.

***

I got back at 1, and was pretty tired, though I did yet another batch of laundry(the curtains this time).

I ought to be tired. I was out and about since 10 plus in the morning.

Spoke to SBB before I succumbed to the sleepy bug.

***

Woken up by SBBF’s(in case you forgot, he is SBB’s friend) call by 10.15am.

SBB had suggested to me that I could get SBBF’s help to transport the drawers from JD’s place to my place.

SBBF offered one of his staff to help this morning, and the little scrawny boy surprised me when he managed everything by himself.

I had wanted to help him but I didn’t quite know how to.

JD had wanted to be the one transporting it to me.. but we realised, we can exploit do need the help of men at times.

Eventually, I found JD online as well.

And we ended up bitching for 2 hours.

I took a look at the little bear which shared my bed, patted it as I adjusted it on the pillow. I sought comfort in my bed, under my duvet, and sink into a deep sleep…

Many, many missed calls.

Eventually JD and FF decided they would come over to fix the 1.6m x 0.78m x 0.4m cabinet for me.

(I hate them. They are like almost 10 kg lighter than I am, alright?)

It was a major project.

It took them 5 hours(I got slapped hard in the thigh when I tried to screw the screws into place by the very superstitious JD) to assemble the entire big-ass piece, and JD roped in her old secondary school friend, who not only lived in Tampines, but rode in the rain to my place to help assemble the cabinet.

Coincidentally, his name is also Aaron, just like Lydia’s friend. If I am not wrong, they share same surname too.

My heroines put most of the vital parts together, and JD did the hammering cos she enjoyed so much.

Aaron reached around 7 plus and he took over whilst the girlies rested.

Ahem, yes, we need a man or 2 once in a while.

Things progressed swiftly from there, but our pizza orders didn’t come as swiftly though.

Apparently, my mum was also horrified to learn that they were screwing/hammering in the house. But duh, if they don’t, I where got space put my stuff?

Empty out 3 big bags full of rubbish today.

I love the new cabinet, and I wiped it clean so it would be free of saw dust. I put in some compartmental storage space, and eagerly put Minibean’s clothes into the drawers.

Just a bit(huge bit though) more… and my packing should be done.

Tomorrow should be bedsheets washing day. And hopefully I can finally remove the dressing table from my room.

And the junk from the hall……

***

I have quite a bit up on my mind though.

But I shall go watch my CSI, read my book(oh! I definitely haven’t read this before!), and rest for the night.

Thank you girlies.. I really do appreciate all the great help you guys gave me.

Muacks! Muacks! Muacks!

***

So now, Minibean will definitely be a Saggitarius.

And her full month will definitely come after Christmas.. which means she could, cough, collect Christmas presents first before collecting her full month ang baos.

So enterprising, my little angel.

(Publishing for my post failed again. Tell me something new that will surprise me. Grrr..)

I have yet to think of a swish-swosh-ching-chong impression Chinese name(Mr Chinese Teacher nearly strangled me when I rejected most of his suggestions).I was so desperate that I asked SOB(Spermdonor Of Beanie) SBB for suggestions, which of course, is almost like asking a blonde to recite 300 Tang dynasty poems.

And I am having second thoughts of naming her Clarissa(a tad too common, perhaps? Though I do adore its meaning of ‘brilliant’).

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….. *pulls hair out in a fluster*

That, should be the least of my worries. I have 42 days to get everything done at ICA. Yet huh, it would save me A LOT of trouble if I do it straight at the hospital.

The rain hasn’t been helpful as much as I love rainy days.

I was left pretty frustrated today(hormones, baby, hormones) because I had planned to go IKEA to do some final purchase(yes, I know.. I am so indecisive with my budget that I have to make THREE trips before I can make up my mind).

But then I had quite an unhappy afternoon which didn’t end too badly.

See, I arranged to meet my confinement lady today because there’s no work.

I called her yesterday, and she sounded pretty distracted, and I told her that I would be free to meet her from 3-4pm.

Eventually, she said perhaps she would meet me at Clementi, but she wouldn’t be sure where she would be, so she would confirm with me the location again.

So today, after a very bad sleep(I couldn’t fall asleep till 5.30am, and woke up by 11am), I waited.

And waited.

And napped.

And waited…

Until I grew a tad impatient, and I called her at 5pm.

The ringtone was that of Malaysia’s.

So.. uh.. she was obviously not in Singapore, yet.

Nevermind…..

She didn’t pick up the call. Until later, she called me back and told me she was already on her way, and she was stuck in the heavy rain.

Oooo…..kay. Uuuuuuuuh huh.

Well, I bet she has a television on her car, cos it was pretty loud and clear that she was watching television.

$10 on she forgot about it, like, totally.

And she said she should be arriving at Chinese Garden MRT in 30 minutes time, if there wasn’t any jam.

Yeah, right.

It was 6pm when she called, to inform me that she was at Woodlands checkpoint and her friend was driving in.

Roarrrr.. she was supposed to reach at 5.30pm but she only called at 6pm to tell me she was at Woodlands, and she would be driving down to Jurong East, with her friends in tow.

Quite obviously, I have to adjourn the IKEA trip.

I waited.

And I waited….

Another hour passed, before she called, and said she was somewhere in Jurong Point.

Okay.. Woodlands to Jurong shouldn’t be more than 30 minutes drive, but… *breathe* I shall wait.

Then it took her 30 minutes to reach from Jurong Point to Chinese Garden MRT, by car.

Then uh, she told me she couldn’t find her way, and I gave her directions, and it was another 20 minutes before she got to my estate from the MRT station which is just a street away.

Then huh, I told her I was staying at Block X(and I even said ‘X for XXX’), and by the time she got here, she went to the wrong block and said I told her wrongly.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, by then I was really pissed, and thought that she was quite irresponsible.

But then what can I say? I mean, I had wanted to save half a grand off the market rate… so I pay peanuts, I get monkeys.

But when I met her in person, I was quite alright with her, and she was rather personable.

We spoke a little on the arrangements, and since I was so last minute, I guess I would just have to settle for her and pray for the best.

I mean, in person, she was nice, and insisted I should leave the mess of the house as it is so she could help me to sort them out when she comes over.

She saw that I was putting the hooks onto the curtains(note to self: Vacuum dusty window panels and wipe windows with glass cleaner), and told me I should be resting more.

Eventually, some of the soft toys(those clean ones which I had intended to donate), bags, souvenirs(you know, those you keep but have no real use for them) and my old Levi’s were cleared cos she thought she could give it to her children and other villagers in Malaysia.

I was only glad to see them lug the 4 or 5 big bags out of the door, and freed up some space in the living room…. for me to throw more junks out there.

I would be getting some storage boxes to clean out my cabinet, so perhaps I could throw out the old one before I manage to arrange transport for the new one.

I need men. Strong men… with great bods, V-shaped bodies, sturdy muscles, to move some cabinets for me… BUT! They must do so without their shirts on. I mean, I would feel very bad, and would be too broke to afford new clothes for them should they dirty/tear their shirts… you know.

Mmm… sweaty bodies.

Honest. That’s all I’m concerned about.

And uh… there’s also the cot issue and breast pump.

Hmm… let me sort out the rest first huh.

Oh, can someone remind me of bed sheets for my confinement lady?

Sort out clothes that I wouldn’t be wearing anymore(boohoo, out of shape body) and give them away.

Actually I am too tired and busy to set up yahoo auction, or else those things they lugged out today would have earned me a fortune.

It sucks that I really said what I was told to say.

I even managed to sit through my old shoes and chuck out those heels that are badly worned(note to self: shoe rack collapsed, time to get new one). The problem with me is, I only buy shoes when I wear one pair out, and I would stick to the new pair till they give up on me.

Eventually, I threw out 6 pairs of old ones, and I am so spoilt by my pair of Birkies that I have half a mind to wear them with executive wear even after I pop.

Uh…. my manager wouldn’t be too pleased with that, I reckon.

***

Actually, I still very much feel up to it to work, despite everyone around telling me I should be resting.

Don’t nag me.

***

Photographer. Checked. StemCord. Checked.

Slowly, but surely…

***

I still don’t feel like I am pregs. I somehow can forget the fact that my life is going to change drastically in less than 2 weeks’ time.

I mean, sometimes I can run for the train before I got really breathless and realised, oh yeah, I have a basketball-sized tummy.

Or.. like when I saw the cute guy strolling down the streets and thought he was making eye-contact with me, when I realised he was just staring at my tummy.

Or.. when the I thought I could manage to carry that big-ass piece of furniture and realised my back was giving me problems.

Or.. when I still want to squeeze into a sized-S nice slinky dress….

Cough.

Oh yeah… did I mention about the cute guy?

***

Some weeks ago I had wanted to talk about opportunity cost.

I was invited to a friend’s concert up north, and he had messaged me through MSN and SMS…. which I had to decline.

Ahhhhhhhhhh……

Wrong timing, baby, wrong timing. Boohoo.

Just like how I would miss my friend’s wedding in Italy…

Ahh…….

Just like how I would miss a few event jobs.

Ahhhh….

Oh dear, I so need a comeback.

After I rid of those stubborn fats/water retention/flabbiness/horrid stretch marks/plunging confidence.

***

Oh, the emo-monster is contagious.

It sprung from JD, to FF, and then great, to me.

I felt an incredible urge to cry, but my pride refused to.

Yes, I feel all alone, oh-so-scared despite I have all these wonderful encouragement around me.

It makes me feel like retracting back into my private shelter, and hide underneath the duvet.

I no like to feel this way.

And just when the tears threatened to spill and I was trying so hard to hold back as I was speaking to Queen of Itolduso’s….(ooo, the name has such an Italian ring to it eh)

…. The blardy phone just have to ring at 2am yesterday and I just started tearing and sniffing and then sniffing my grouchiness, he said ‘Why? Hormones huh?’.

SBB, can your timing be anymore immaculate? Basket.

***

I met up with a friend yesterday late afternoon in the heavy rain.

I realised…. I am not the only one feeling stifled by Miss Prissy.

***

I had such a full dinner on Sunday night, courtesy of JD. Like you have probably read from her or FF, 4 of us(Vamp, Uncle Jem, FF and I) had to down 10 persons’ share of dinner.

We took public transport down to East Coast, and the moment we reached there, it started pouring.

It wasn’t exactly a very comfortable affair for us who were there, but then at least the company of the 4 foursome was good.

I had 4 desserts… and plenty of crab. I had prawns, keropok, chicken(I actually liked the chicken), and a piece of cake that I am still thinking fondly of.

2 days of Pepper crabs make me a very happy person. *Burp*

At the end of it, I think Minibean wasn’t quite comfortable jostling for more space with the food.

***

Saturday was out at Holland Village to source for some stuff with FF, before we made our way down to JD’s new pad.

We had plenty of pepper crab.

We had plenty of junk food.

There were plenty of people I didn’t know, but they were nice.

There was a mahjong table I was no part of until past midnight.

There were the girlies like Vamp and FF. We missed you, Wanyi!

I just didn’t feel like returning to the solitude of home.

FF left by 10pm, and Vamp had wanted to leave by 11.30pm. But after my sulk-display, Vamp and Jem stayed on till late.

So the guys played mahjong with me till 4am?

And I didn’t reach home till it was 6.38am in the morning cos Uncle Jem and Auntie Vamp wanted to wait till 6am.

And then, quite coincidentally, post mahjong, the 3 of us hunted the haunting.

***

I got back and didn’t get to sleep till it was 9am.

I have so much, yes, so much.. on my mind.

***

And the final countdown.. begins.

I remember the first time I saw her on the scan on a Monday in April, she was a mere pea-sized thingy. Not unlike a bean.One might not be aware that one of the ‘B’s in SBB does stand for the word ‘beanie’.

Oh yes, cough, now the initials seem to lose its ‘cool factor’ eh?

And it wasn’t long before the term Minibean was coined.

***

Been busy, been tired, been at a loss for words.

Thus, lack of update. Don’t feel like updating either.

I met up with many people over the week though. Had an enjoyable time spending time with people I like/love because such luxury time would be hard to come by once I have to commit my time to Minibean soon.

I met up with Lingshen, Kaiming and Lisha yesterday, and it was the 1st time the 4 of us came together for a meetup since we graduated 3 years ago.

My stamina could hardly keep up, but I was glad to have met them.

***

I walked through the sliding doors, and the memories of the place struck me hard.

The same spot.

It was as if I took a trip down memory lane.

***

Sometimes huh, you know you are pissed off by certain people, but yet you try to give in and appease them not because you can benefit from them, but simply because it is scary to think how their pettiness and spitefulness could be unbearingly vicious.

I no like that. I don’t understand why I have to hold my breath each time when I am around people like that you know.

***

I enjoyed my IKEA trip with JD and FF on Wednesday, though I had planned to head home early since I wasn’t quite feeling well after morning training.

I didn’t.

I ended up in Orchard trying to do some last minute shopping. I only managed to buy… er, sanitary pads(oh! I haven’t bought any for so long!) and toiletries.

I ended up having lunch with Mr Guniang, as the sky started to pour on a cooling Wednesday afternoon.

I like.

I walked around Tanjong Pagar aimlessly, until my next meeting with the StemCord representative came up.

She was nice, and after going through some of the documents and considerations, the package was rather satisfactory(since I would be at NUH, apparently the cost would be even lower), and we arranged for a meet up today for me to make payment and sign for the agreement.

It would be some kind of insurance, I feel, and cough, with relation to my trade, risk-management is pretty important, I guess. I mean, considering the fact that she might be the only child, plus the fact that I had been watching too much CSI: Miami(in which Raymond Caine’s illegitimate child was down with Leukemia)… it wasn’t hard to understand my eventual decision. My manager had wanted to store his son’s, but since he was way premature for the arrangements to be made, he didn’t get the chance to do it.

So, I set aside $360 for first year of enrollment(most other hospitals would be $550 - $1150), and it would be $250 for yearly storage(unless if anyone of you wanna sign up for it as well, and name me as your introducer… I can have discount for one year, heh) hereforth.

JD picked me up from Tanjong Pagar by cab and we headed down to IKEA to do some shopping.

FF joined us for dinner, and we had meatballs again! Chocolate Mousse!

I pretty much have decided on the things I NEED to get, and though I didn’t walk away from IKEA with any purchase, I roughly have an idea of what I want.

I am super-indecisive when it comes to shopping.

I rushed back to home by cab and had a game of mahjong with the usual suspects(apparently, only Leslie knew that I would bleed for weeks!), until I was dead beat, and concluded the night with another phone call.

I wasn’t feeling well earlier in the day and was looking pale, yet I managed to get on with the day rather fruitfully.

Ah well.

***

I had good sleep for the weekend. I slept an average of 12 hours, and had the weirdest dream.

Eeeewww.. I dreamt that I made out with Horatio Caine again!

I cannot recall how many times I have dreamt of him, really, and all I can say is all the dreams are darn vivid.

I would wake up and have to check if he was really lying next to me, alright.

***

Tuesday. Branch meeting.

Buddha jumped over the wall on Tuesday evening, and I delayed my last minute shopping.

I met up with JD, SYT and FF over dinner at Vivocity(my patience is running thin these days. Waiting for bus for more than half an hour would make me so pissed that I would have tears in my eyes), and by the time dinner was over, it was ice-cream time, and there wasn’t time left for shopping.

The karaoke singer was right next to us, and it spoilt our appetites for a while.

Vivocity very the romantic.

Oh yes, I think I need a shag cuddle.

***

Went back to office for Unit meeting on Monday.

I am feeling the heat.

Had dinner with Evelyn, Jasmine and Jason(Jas & Jas are expecting a baby girl in late Jan!) before I made my way home.

***

Weekend revolved around mahjong because of my reluctance to head out in the rain.

My back condition is getting worse, and sometimes I get achy tummy not knowing what is wrong.

I met up with a new friend on a rainy Saturday night, and I saw the independence I always wanted to have, but not sure if I have the strength to cope with.

Her two princesses were lovely and gave me a glimpse of what to expect in time to come.

I overstayed my welcome late into the night, and she kindly sent me back, not before we hunted for the famous Taman Jurong fishball noodles.

I like simple nights like this.

***

Actually, I had wanted to keep this update short.

Simply because I had a nice rendevous with Minibean this noon. *Beams*

Though I went through this funny ordeal when I had to be ‘probed’ beneath for a test sample, and I was so embarrassed that I refused to open up my legs, until my gynaecologist laughed and asked if that was how I would be giving birth soon.

I now weigh a hefty 61.7kg(Booooohoooooooooooo), and I was told that Minibean should be around 3kg now after Dr Chua had measured her.

She as usual, was kicking lots, tossing and turning around as if I am her private washing machine.

Her hair was floating in the water and appeared like white horizontal stripes on the scan machine.

‘She definitely won’t be a botak,’ my gynaecologist joked.

I thought so too, and I would expect to see her to have thick, luscious(?) hair when she greets the world.

She light tossed her face to the screen, and I giggled at the sight of her.

‘She’s about 3kg, she won’t be a very big baby. But look, she is chubby chubby…’ Dr Chua mused.

Chubby chubby with pouty lips. Awww..

My little chubby bean.

***

Did I mention that my waistline is now…..

1 bloody metre????

Now, do I feel sexy or what?

We all know how the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’ works.I do not deny that my morale has been spiralling each day with more fear growing.. and I could feel myself engulf in endless fears, some of which make perfect sense, and some, just don’t make any.

Occasionally, I braced myself for the false alarms of labour, which were just mild cases of indigestion.

Much of the week had breezed past in a blur, though I remember how helpless I had felt on Monday night, after I had toppled a glass container of bird’s nest. It spilt onto three tiers of the fridge, and gloriously cascaded down onto the kitchen floor.

The kitchen was a big mess.

Before I could even decide what to do, an army of ants was eagerly approaching the dripping pool of protein, and I could only stand there in a daze, not knowing what to do.

I told SBB I would call him back in a totally defeated tone, before I started an hour of major clean-up.

At 12 midnight, no less.

It took half a roll of paper towel, with me on my all 4s, half an hour, before I soaked up the gooey mess.

But much of it had sept underneath the fridge, and I tried to move the fridge that refused to give in.

Eventually, the floor was dried up with me crawling on it to wipe up the mess, with a coat of stickiness attracting the hungry ants.

I marched into the bathroom near the laundry area to get a hose, and started flooding the entire kitchen with water, hoping to wash out the mess underneath the fridge, and to make sure that the kitchen would be clean enough, I doused a cup of floor detergent onto the floor as I sprayed the kitchen with the hose.

It was then, I felt so defeated, helpless, and useless(why the hell was I so blardy clumsy, I couldn’t stop reprimanding myself), that I just wanted to collapse onto the wet, flooded floor as a surrendering sign.

I didn’t. I then skated around the kitchen, sweeping the excess water into the drainage, before giving it a good mop.

I just didn’t feel like speaking to anyone after that. All I had, was ample anger towards myself.

***

I spent my Saturday night with lotsa lovely ladies.

FF and Wanyi accompanied me to IKEA to look at some furnitures, and we had meatballs.

I know it is incredible, but it was the first time I had tried the meatballs at IKEA.

I was indecisive over what to get though.

Wanyi had brought some baby clothes out for me, but because I had to meet another couple of friends in town for a movie, she insisted on lugging them back home for me.

She had to endure a tiring and long bus ride back to the east, and I tell ya, she is really an amazing friend to have.

Yesterday, she told me she had hand-washed those clothes for me too.

You are going to make me cry, darling.

***

I met up with Wenmei and Roumin at Cineleisure for The Prestige right after IKEA.

We spent most of the evening cheering one of the babes up.

We sat around Cafe Cartel and caught up a little, and I bumped into Eugene, Ian, and his girlfriend.

I truly liked the show, and I found myself fascinated by Hugh Jackman the human elements of the show.

Somehow, it reminded me of a conversation I had with VampTreSS today over dinner.

Competitive nature of human, and the spitefulness that sometimes comes together with it that can be so awfully scary.

***

We adjourned to Clarke Quay’s Hooters for chicken wings, and later to Cafe Iguana to chill.

I had nice company for the night, and I was glad to be hanging out with them.

Gary very nicely dropped me off near 6th Avenue, before I hailed a cab home at close to 3am.

***

My bored Sunday was relieved by a mahjong session with the lads.

***

I returned to office on Monday, did some work in the office before I walked down the streets to Spize for dinner.

I sat there, not wanting to move.

It was just that I didn’t want to head home.

I sat there for the longest time.

I just wanted to stay out.

I watched the cars go by.

Eventually, I jumped on a cab to head home after the guys suggested mahjong.

The moment I got on the cab, they cancelled it…

And I cursed Leslie for not informing me earlier or else I wouldn’t have taken a cab.

***

Do you ever have the fear of picking up the phone, or to make a phone call?

So much that, the only time you dare to do so is when you are out in the open, where there are people?

***

My manager dropped by on Tuesday night to help fix lights to the 3 rooms of my apartment.

I was so touched when I got back home(I had left him to fix the lights and rushed out for an appointment at 10pm) and I saw a piece of paper towel taped to the wall ‘And then.. There was light!‘

I flicked the switch, and the round latern glowed to life.

For the first time in 11 years, the light switch did its magic.

***

I had wanted to make it a prospecting appointment on Tuesday night.

It was scheduled to be at 9.30pm, before it was changed to 10, and subsequently, when 10.15pm.

I reached there not wanting to be late, but then we changed the location to somewhere near my place, and I took the bus back to where I came from.

I had supper and sat around.

I just didn’t… feel like heading home.

It was half past 11 when he finally turned up.

Somehow, I was just lost in my world of thoughts that, I was comfortable of just catching up.

Some past memories caught up with me, cos this referral, was someone whom I haven’t met for 9 years since graduation.

He mentioned names of people who stirred up lotsa emotions within me.

I was comfortable enough not to talk shop, cos I thought that could leave till some other time.

It was quaintly nice…

***

Wednesday.. was a blank.

***

Today.. was interesting.

I started the day with the weekly ADT class, before I left for Marina Square in the rain to do some baby shopping for Minibean.

I bought her something from Mothercare sale, and I wanted to get some nursing bras.

But I think I am too small. Boohoo. Smallest sized ones didn’t fit me.

I wanted to get some nightdress for easy feeding to wear at the hospital, but couldn’t find the cheap spaghetti-strapped dress I was looking for.

Eventually, my hours of walking around drained me, but I didn’t get what I wanted.

I walked over to Suntec, and still, no positive results.

Janise was also at Suntec, and we met up at NYDC, caught up a little, before we walked to La Senza….

I saw something which was close to what I was looking for, but it was a short teddy, instead of a dress.

I could almost imagine myself prancing about in the hospital with my hips swaying in the short, short nightie, and it wasn’t such a pretty sight.

But the bathrobe was nicceeeee and it could almost double up as a jacket to keep me warm in the hospital.

But, as usual, I browse, never buy.

No wonder my baby shopping is never done!

***

I walked back to the MRT station and dropped by VampTreSS’ office.

The forgetful me left my handphone behind in her office when we left, and we had to go back to retrieve it after Jeremy had drove us away from the building.

Uh oh.

We had dinner after that at Hong Kong Cafe in the East, and did some catching up over noodles and desserts.

Some stuff perturbed me through the evening, and I couldn’t quite figure out why, some people, whom you deem as friends, would rather gloat and see you fail, whilst some other strangers, would display so much more kindness than they do.

They sent me back home to the West, and it was on the car, when Mom called.

***

This time round, she had called, because my aunt(her sister), called her up.

Remember how I had met up with my cousin who had also joined the financial advisory industry?

I think he had seen what was obvious, but didn’t make any comments about it the last time we met.

He had went back to tell his mom about it.

I had called her a day after our meetup, to send my regards to her, and I remember her telling me to drop by for dinner some time. I was very grateful but said I would be busy and that Tampines is a tad too far.

I think she already knew back then, but didn’t dare to ask me.

But there is a distinctive difference this time.

Family.

Even the tone in Mom’s voice was significantly different. There was even a tinge of excitement in her voice.

She told me aunt had heard about it from my cousin, and she didn’t dare to ask me. And it took her a while till now to ask my mom about it.

She told Mom to tell me to drop by so she could cook for me, and that when Minibean comes along, do inform her so she could visit me at the hospital.

Mom had initially wanted to suggest aunt to take care of Minibean, but I really don’t want to trouble her.

And putting Minibean under someone else’s care(in another part of the world country somemore!) wasn’t my intention at all.

Mom said though she wouldn’t be around since she couldn’t come into Singapore, at least my aunt would be around, and if I need any help, I could always call them up.

Mom then asked about my financial situation(I told a white lie about getting ‘maintanence fees’ so she wouldn’t worry), and if I had contacted the confinement nanny.

She was adamant that I should take good care of my health whilst recovering, and I should rest more. She even asked my aunt to come visit me to make sure I am going to recover well.

She then nagged me to finish up with my preparations because ‘First born somemore female, will come early one!’.

‘When I had you, you were 2 or 3 weeks early okay!’

Oooo.. so I was an early baby. I would have been borned after 20th March 1981.

But damn, cannot 2 or 3 weeks early!

If Minibean is born 3 weeks early…………….

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