“We can’t pretend we haven’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day’. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.”

I remember the conversation last Saturday.

I can’t try.

I can’t bring myself to.

***

Oh did I blog about secrets? I just watched the season finale of season 1 Grey’s.

“One thing is certain, whatever it is we’re trying to hide; we’re never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That’s the problem with secrets – like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything, until you don’t have room for anything else, until you’re so full of secrets you feel like you’re going to burst.”

The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they’re out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don’t have to hide behind them anymore. The problem with secrets is even when you think you’re in control, you’re not.

***

I spent today at work for an extended training, simply because yesterday’s training was cut short because of a launch(damn, I didn’t even know!).

I finally ended the running-abouts for the past few days, and headed home straight after work.

By the train, no less.

It is interesting that our DISC profile was evaluated today, and strange enough, for the first time in many, many years, and possibly the first time in my life, I am branded as a high ‘D’, both internally, and externally, and I am a low ‘I’, which I suspected was what was expected out of my trainer, as I had displayed flamboyant I traits throughout.

I assume it is because I was darn stressed and work-focused yesterday that this profile is based solely work wise.

But I shall declare DISC a whole load of bullshit, because it has reflected that the candidate, who is yours truly, is under little or absolutely no stress. The only part it gotten correctly is that I wouldn’t cope well with stress shall it arise.

Anyway, the DISC evaluation had branded me unpredictable and it is unable to determine my strengths nor weaknesses, nor could it elaborate more.

Bummer.

Ah well.

I reached home today feeling kinda okay.. I almost forgot tomorrow is a holiday.

I just watch and watch Grey’s, and I want a Dr Shepard or a Dr Burke in my life.

It’s like… doctors are just, so, yummy.

And perhaps, I am tired of mothering, and just need someone to tell me what to do, so I don’t always have to be… strong.

Oh.. and the wits.. and the dreamy-ness, and the sexiness… and most importantly, the lingering gaze, oh yes, the lingering gaze that speaks a thousand words, and more.

***

I almost forgot tomorrow is a holiday.

I almost wanted to ask him over.. until, I remember not everyone has off days on holidays.

I was looking on, from the corner of my eyes again.

***

Dad was utterly sweet when he bought an exact same Exilim for his daily use.

I had bought one for him back then, and he decided it was so good that he bought one so he could give one to me for use.

I chided him for spending the extra money and how I could possibly get a better bargain.. and he told me how he was trying to get a DVD player and thus he was in the area(read: Sim Lim, which is where I was for the past 2 days, and he so should have called me so I could just call uncle Roy!).

***

I saw Charissa last night.

I am happy.

I was almost tearing when I put her in the cot.

She fell asleep in my arms, on the car, when I brought her out for supper with the guys to celebrate Nick’s birthday.

She is getting cuter, and prettier.

I had bugged them to fetch me to my JB home so I could see her. I was so in need of a dosage of sanity.

She grabbed every single thing in sight, and has a strong grip.

She was holding the spoon, and the amazing thing is, she would never drop whatever that was given to her.

And when I attempted to get it away from her, she would pass it to her other tiny hand.

I really, really love you, my sweetheart.

It is just simply amazing everytime she would lean on my chest, and doze off…. as if that Mummy is her greatest security fort.

If only.

***

I am sick. Bad throat, bad cough.

That would mean no Minibean for me till I recover.

I am just so glad the guys were brilliant enough to give in to my request to leave earlier than the rest to send me home.

My mum was very nosey and came down just to see my cousin and my cousin’s girlfriend. Duh.

***

I miss you baby. Mummy really does.

I miss you.

***

Damn. I type this until the tears well up.

***

I have been called ‘auntie’ looking for the past 2 days due to my frumpy dressing.

I totally abhorred the long training hours, and I could barely keep myself awake.

We went down to Suntec yesterday for the product launch and I had drinks with Filee(I missed you much, babe! Glad to see you happier now!).

Left early to check out some stuff, and rushed down to Sim Lim.

Happy! BRATworks officially raked in its 1st 3 cheques!

Though the evening was a heavy one, with me reasoning with a client cos something simple had went wrong in every way it could.

It is just that it was pretty unfair in my opinion cos their in-house designer had a huge part to play when we reverted back to him a few times and he had totally given the wrong information or was not of help(Bugger hung up on me). I should say I am proud of what my side did, to tally the colour with precision for them, and pressing them for exact details, or else the designer would have messed it up big time.

Ah well. It deserves an entry on its own, and I just wanna end it on a good note. And I am surprised by myself, sometimes.

***

All of us headed into JB at around 9ish last night, and was caught in the jam.

Happy 30th Nick!

You are like, so old.

Big Three. Ha! Ha! Ha!

But dammit. I am just 4 years away from it.

***

I quite like the bar at Marina Mandarin.

Hmm.

***

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know, maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

***

Who did I wanna ask over, you ask. Possibly cos you just read this.

You.

Overheard at Mambo night, when a cute, little, pissed lady asked this randomly. The question wasn’t posed to me, but I had a cryptic smile hanging loose at the edge of my lips.

“Do you have a dirty little secret?” -Insert wry smile here-

I was a secret when I was in gestation. I was that secret child. I was told to keep secrets by my parents(from each other usually). I’ve seen things I kept as secrets. Things had happened to me that remained secrets. I’ve seen the unrevelling of other people’s secrets. And I became that secret you wish you would never find out.

Today, as I sat across my client, with a secret to guard, I witness yet another secret.

And how interesting it is, when secrets intertwined.

You sometimes, turn a blind eye to secrets, because sometimes, dark secrets would just cloud your vision, and the world becomes darker, gloomier.

You wish secrets are not real.

But truth is, secrets are essential part of reality, so people have hope, so people survive, so people… live… easier.

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it? ”

And that’s when, hope starts diminishing.

I will never stop wanting to be a child, yet when it gets cold and dark, I wish I could strangle and kill off that child within me, so that I could hush its hope, muffle the secrets it keeps, so that reality is no longer a reality, and hope is no longer hope.

And that, I could make believe that I am stronger than it all.

Then again, who am I to say that, really.

At times I feel like liberating myself, and let the dam of secrets break loose. Maybe it will exorcise a part of me, so that I can feel like an innocent child again. A child that accidentally let out the secrets he or she is not supposed to, but no one could blame her for.

Then again. I cannot be that child. I will not be that child.

And we shall be, and keep, those dirty little secrets.

“At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they’re what you do. Some things you say cause there’s no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. ”

Why do we keep secrets? So that people will not be hurt by the truth, and that their world would not be destroyed by what they fear.

In turn, the secrets will hurt, and eat into the bearers… till one day, they bring the destructions onto themselves.

At the end of the day, what is it, that we really want? To push people away so the secrets will never be let out? Fence ourselves up, so there is no way of leaking? Or just break the dam so you could create a major destruction?

It is selfish really, cos at the end of the day, what you ask for is not destruction of your own self, but to those closest to you.

“At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

Invasion of personal space… maybe, just maybe, that’s what I need.

Or in the end, it is just a game.

“Games are all about the glory, pain and the play by play. And then there are the more solitary games. The games we play all by ourselves. The social games, the mind games. We use them to pass the time to make life more interesting… to distract us from what’s really going on. There are those of us who love to play games, any games. And there are those of us who love to play a little too much.”

Tsk tsk.

I really do love Grey’s.

Besides being broken, this is what I am.

It is so much thrill when you finally get down to do some serious budgeting.

Citibank account - $5

UOB account -  $24

Considering the fact that I didn’t hit my insurance quota for this month, I am not getting any income from it for the next.

Which in turn, could be a good thing, cos that means I am not owing more money than I should.

Well, considering the fact that you can’t draw out if it’s not in 10s, I am so proud and thrill to announce that I have 20 bucks to survive till… God’s knows when.

Wheeee! I am so proud of myself. And it is so much fun to see how my bank account depleting so fast within a month.

It was pretty ouch when my Mum asked me to buy Minibean a baby chair(something I already have in mind) so she could sit in it and take semi-solids, and I just mumbled something along the lines of…  ‘Oh.. yeah, I will get one soon.’

Just when I thought it would give me perfect excuse to stay home and watch Grey’s, I have 2 days of compulsary training to go, which if I don’t, I would be made redundant.

I know I have money floating out there, but then it is always a bitch, and I feel utterly bad when I have to pressure those around me for bad debts.

***

It has been another day of running around.

I only managed a single episode of CSI: NY before I went to sleep at 5+ am and then woke up at 10.30am for some work-related stuff.

Went down to Expo, then headed to collect a cheque. Met up with a banker at Marina Mandarin to open company account. Met up with a client… Went down to Sim Lim.. blarblarblar.

Eventful.

Stressful.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the days to come.

It either will make, or break me.

Yet, when I am so broken and broke, I think nothing would break me anymore.

It was perhaps for the first time I watched it over at JD’s yesterday.

I liked it.

And I think I will do the way I did with CSIs.

I think it is pretty atrocious.

I fell asleep just before 6am.

I remember it stormed in the late noon when Mum called to tell me don’t bother going into Malaysia because I sounded sick and it was raining.

I was disappointed, and I went back to sleep.

When I finally could sit up and greet the day, it was 11pm.

17 hours.

I guess that made up lotsa rest.

I still feel sick.

***

From Grey’s…

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

“I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up - I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope…”

***

I should be up and brush my teeth and look for some kind of comfort food.

I wanted to send emails out the moment I get back to each and everyone of you involved with today’s project, but with my mind hardly working, I know I would not be able to express my heartfelt thanks to all those who turned up today.

You guys not only impress the clients, but also awe me and Brian much.

So here, I would like to extend a quick, but very, very, very sincere thank you to you guys.

I will edit this post tomorrow because I am sure I have left things out.

And I promise to send emails or SMSes to you guys, because, you have no idea how I feel you guys are of great help, and had been nothing short of wonderful.

I am shy you know(don’t look like but I am!!), so didn’t get the chance to know you guys better personally.. but I certainly do hope that it would build on if we have other opportunities to work together.

Because I know, I would definitely love to work with you bunch of lovelies again.

***

And of course, you too. Knowing your temperament, and what the group has always think of you, I think you did a fabulous job though I think your stress-management is as bad as mine *laughs*.

Well done, indeed.

Thank you.

Well.. The day before the event, anything could go wrong, went wrong.

Only ‘right’ was that, I fell asleep on Thursday night at 8, and work up at 12 noon the next day.

16 hours of power sleep.

That lasted me till now.. which is like 5.40am on a Sunday morning.

I woke up and ran errands throughout the day. Meeting Brian, then meet supplier, then meet supplier. The guy with the transport worked harder than me, cos he ran around to meet the clients(3 times!) too.

All I had to do, is to buy the nitty-gritties(oh, I bought a mini first-aid kit which I think I left it at the office!)… and make dozens of phone calls.

I finally met up with Brian in the late afternoon, so we could meet our supplier. Payment of deposit, wait for the samples… blarblarblar, you get the drift.

Then we finally had our first meal of the day in the evening, and I was pretty stressed out that my appetite dipped.

Good! Can lose weight(though, hehehehehehehe, Ivan thought I lost weight! Lalala).

Sat around, waited for supplier to come back, collected another sample from another supplier.

Someone actually wanted to discuss something with me, but I had to put it off cos of a pre-arranged appointment with.. ahem, the girlies.

Made some frantic phone calls when the news came in late yesterday.

I think I had like… 7 or 8 last minute cancellation.

And that was.. the day before event.

Supplier turned up late, and mahjong was delayed(so sorry to keep you girls waiting).

Mahjong….. didn’t end till almost 5, though I delayed most of it cos I had to make phone calls, send updated list to a very stressed Brian(wahaha, 2 very stress out Pisceans are.. explosive).

But Mahjong was just what I needed, because I derived distractions from it(SBB told me that at least I get comfort from it, but I only get comfort from Minibean and… hmm).

But at least I got my dosage of comfort too, after I couldn’t sleep after they left around 6am(when I finally got to shower), and had placed a distress call to SBB.

He came over and pep talk me to ease my anxiety, though his presence meant I didn’t manage to get any sleep(in exchange for cuddles) till it was 8 plus.

I still couldn’t drift off with a very alert mind, and then I just shut my eyes.

But I did get a bit of sleep, perhaps an hour or less, till I was woken up by my manager, who is probably very pissed with me cos I seemed to MIA and don’t seem to bring in the production.

And then I was off to Beach Road, where I had breakfast with Brian, his friends and Mork, before Brian sent me down the road to Shaw Towers.

And 8 didn’t turn up even though we had tried to make up the numbers(will blog more about it soon!).

And I even had to ask FF and Potato to help me out, which they readily agreed.

I have fabulous friends whom I totally, totally grateful for.

Eventually, FF braved the day with me! Thank you my wonderful goddess.

I heaved a sigh of liberation when the event was finally over, and I could have a decent meal.

Again, I was too stressed to even eat anything.

I was zombie-fied.

FF and I headed over to JD’s to chill, before a clip we once took when playing mahjong roused the urge in us, and we started playing only past midnight(which was like…. 6 hours after we were there, and after 2 back-to-back episodes of Charlies’ Angels)!

We finished only 1 and half round, before a very tired FF, JD, and I(don’t think Roy was tired..) called it a night.

When I was waiting for the cab, my mind was filled with so much work that I know if I don’t complete them, I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

I needed that break man.

Most likely, I will need to meet a client after I have enough rest today, before I could see if there is enough time to see Minibean.

Monday is going to be crazy with the adminstrative matters at my Insurance side(yes, there are people who don’t know what I am doing. I am doing financial planning, selling insurance, endowment, and investment products. Oh… you have no idea), as well as my new… er, venture(as for this, we do large quantity printing of collaterals, supply of part-timers for media/event-related stuff).

Now, I guess you do have a better idea of what I am, though I have always been not-so-clear when it comes to work(well, you know, the social stigma and such).

And now, I just need to be human and hide under the duvet for some source of security and finally, a good night sleep.

Night.

Will you sing a lullaby for me?

This week has been crazy with lotsa running around.

I only managed an hour of sleep due to anxiety last night, and it is now 4.40am, and I am smelly, dirty and just….. a mess.

I won’t be able to sleep till I clear my backlog, cos I know, or else I would wake up in 3 hours’ time with work in mind and would just max out very soon.

Yet, before anything goes on, I decide to break my usual routine of reach home-pinch out those contacts-shower-sit in front of computer, and get this entry up first.

I might not be able to get my dosage of comfort and sanity for this week.

I miss her a darn lot and I just wanna cuddle her and just sing songs to her, as I find peace within.

Am blogging this as if today is 26th May.

2 days ago, Mum get her to sit up to balance, and she would lean forward to balance on her hands for a long while before she lost balance and topple to the sides.

Today, she had her first taste of brown rice, and she loves it. She wanted more! More! More!

Mummy told me yesterday how smart she was when she pelt out the scotch tape that was wrapped around her cot wooden rails. When my Mum smacked her hands for that, she just grinned.

My mum let her crawled around, and despite she still doesn’t know how to crawl, she knows how to move her way around by turning, flipping, or inching her body sidewards.

She actually went to pull the wires! I know it is dangerous, but I kinda felt proud that she has advanced so quickly with all the changes.

When I spoke to her over the phone 2 days ago, when she accidentally pressed a button and realised there was a tone, she pressed it again and grinned to herself.

Yesterday when I spoke to her, she cheekily pulled the handle of the bedside cabinet where the phone was.

My parents adore her, and I am so thankful for that.

My mum told me when she asked her to open her hands by saying ‘Open, close’, she would flick her fingers and palm.

When I brought her to the paediatrician on Monday, doctor said she would be too young to know how to, but seeing how she reacts not that randomly, I know I have a smart one to handle.

I love you baby.

These 2 days, I feel an overwhelming sense of emotions, and I when I type the L-word, I could feel tears at the brim of my eyes.

I love you, Charissa.

I miss you a great deal.

Now, off to the showers Mummy goes, before she could finally finish up with other, many blog entries.

If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by

Make believe
that you don’t see the tears
Just let me grieve
in private ’cause each time I see you
I break down and cry
And walk on by (don’t stop)
And walk on by (don’t stop)
And walk on by

I just can’t get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by

Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by
and walk on by
and walk by (don’t stop)

I remember reading the papers one day last year about how this person and his girlfriend are actually my age when he pushed his girlfriend down the MRT tracks.

I wondered if the world is indeed small, our paths might have crossed.

When I saw the papers recently regarding the trial, the picture of the accused was… uh.. familiar.

I read the name, and it was… very familiar.

Then. I remembered.

Many years ago, when I was still having my little crush on Mr KG(uhm.. that was like a dozen of years ago?),  I used to go to this particular hostel to meet up with my primary school pals(well, I have many primary school pals from that hostel beside KG, that is).

And oh. He is particularly close to them, and of course, Mr KG too. Heard he was working for one of those banks to handle SME accounts. It was always known back then that he was smart, and was not bad looking.

So yeah, the world is indeed small. And it is intriguing how love can make one loses his mind to do something we could never comprehend.

Like how we, could do things, that others, will never comprehend.

I am exhausted today.

Very.

I need a nice, long nap, but my mind wouldn’t stop thinking and I just… sat up and stared blankly into the ceiling in my dimly litted room.

I am thinking of you, you, you, you, you, you, you.

Between friends, there shouldn’t be too many ‘thank you’s or ’sorry’s.

I couldn’t sleep despite all these fatigue.

I wanted to blog about Mambo(oh, glasses, makeupless, fisherman pants and birkies on podium is hilarious, but ahh.. the things you do for friends!) in a light-hearted manner(I was UGLY! I was hit on! I was… on the podium?!), and the memories that came with it(the last time I was there, I bowed my head in total shyness before FF).

I couldn’t find it within me to do so. The above paragraph seems to suck the energy dry too.

We all need a break. From ourselves, sometimes.