I committed 7 deadly sins all within 24 hours.

In fact, I believe there were more. Deception. Guilt. Denial. And much more others I have yet to figure out. But phew, fortunately(or rather, unfortunately) there are only 7 sins… And that clumsiness and forgetfulness are not one of them.

Yet, I rediscovered the innocence within me that almost made me cry(uhm… don’t laugh when you know what it is!) in that span, too.

It has been a roller-coaster ride for me for the past 2 days, and I am just glad to have a peaceful day of rest, tying up loose ends, and perhaps a day of housekeeping which I have been putting off for the longest time(laundry! Mopping! Bedsheets! Sink! Tub! Keep the clothes in the wardrobe!)…

It was an interesting Wednesday, of every element, and a diversion of the usual pace we had set ourselves into for the past weeks.

Here, it is.

***

Luxuria

Lust.

Gee, does this really have to be first on the list?

Might as well as it was what kickstarted the day for me.

It wasn’t quite expected, though it made the start of the day all the more sweeter, with the raging remnants of the liaison still seeping down my neck, and sending signals to every nerve in my body as I reminisce the sweet escape.

Which reminded me of the time… during World Cup, of that Italy match.

When I was… 4 months gone.

And tsk. This is only like the 2nd time, ever.. what?! Unlike most of the others I know who had rattled off different places they had did the mumbo-jumbo. It must be some sort of high to be in semi-state of undressed out in the openness that did it for most people… or for some other reasons I know not of.

But oh yes, outdoor naughtiness is my thang, and oh yes.. the thrill.. oh yes…

Okay, the mental images have been played in my minds, and thus, details shall stop here.

But a change from a ride on a park bench would be nice.

***

Damn, did I really write what I wrote? Man, I really sound lusty.

***

Ira

Wrath.

I had sensed something would be very wrong to the day, and I had dreaded the start of it.

I was one angry person yesterday. Very. I am starting to wonder if I have anger management issue.

I do not like to be misunderstood, and I didn’t stand up for myself either.

Despite assurances from people around me that told me that there shouldn’t be any problems and things will go okay, I knew right from the start that it wouldn’t.

I still harboured the slightest hopes that people could see the plain truth, and not the distorted tales.

Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, and as I walked away, I felt a great deal of anger within me, not only for myself, but also for the people involved.

I didn’t even feel like speaking nor talking about them anymore because it just eats me away cos there is nothing I could do about it. Maybe there are things I could, but I chose not to.

And that would just give them the reaffirmation that I am just being a wimp and that I am guilty.

You know, hands on heart, from a person who is always uncertain, I am very certain this time that I did no wrong.

I wanted to curse, but I didn’t and couldn’t.

But what was scary was the heavy, suppressed heart, that you know is the very work of wrath, and you could just explode anytime.

I clenched my teeth, and felt that rush of blood to the head.

It was anger no doubt.

I should never allow myself to feel that angry.

So angry that the only response I could give is silence. Or an occasional wry smile, as I tried hard to swallow my pride, and tears.

I feel that is even much more dangerous than any form of anger I know of.

It made me a grouchy person whenever I was left alone to think of the episodes that led up to this.

But thankfully, yesterday jam-packedness very successfully took my mind off lotsa stuff.

Except when it was time to meet the guys for dinner, and I was mega-ly pissed off when they were late(5 minutes = 45 minutes. Fuck you, Roy! And no, you response was not funny and it made me more pissed only), and I was left to go round and round the malls by myself and being preyed by those youths who tried to ’sweet-talk’ 30 bucks of donation out of me.

So my mood for dinner was a little screwed. And I just didn’t want to answer any of their calls.

And oh, about the donation.

It is like, hello? Screw you. Yes, I can donate that 10 bucks(oh, they told me minimum is 10 bucks only when I whipped out my wallet to take out some change), and just want to be sure it goes to an organisation(I stopped to listen because the foundation is for children) I can reckon with, and yes, I might look a little more well-dressed but that doesn’t mean I am rich cos it may well mean I am living on credit and struggling with my finances(I will be fucking glad to bring home more than 1500 a month, thank you). And so, don’t just because I decide to part with 10 bucks, you come pestering me for another 20 bucks(”Hi Miss! What is the minimum withdrawal from the ATM? 20 bucks right?” Screw you! My UOB’s minimum is 10 bucks, and sorry, I don’t have 10 bucks in my account right now anyway, if only I said it in their faces).

They would make very good salesperson really. But yet, the irritating kind that I absolutely loathe. But on normal days I would actually find them nice and funny.

I was a very, very grounchy person.

It eats away my patience too.

***

Oh gee, I really do sound angry as I recounted the episodes yesterday.

***

Had a meeting yesterday morning, and in my rush, I had forgotten my handphone.

Since it would be that busy a day, I needed my phone with me, and had sought the help of my wonderful Daddy.

He had mixed up the place, and went to River Valley instead of Blair Road.

Not only he brought me the phone and the helmet, he was so great that he sent me down to Ang Mo Kio Mediacorp Publishing(I had thought it was the Caldecott Hill one where I could go take picture with Cruz Teng, you know? Get well soon, my King), where I was supposed to go for a shoot.

I was slightly late as I couldn’t find the place, and had wanted to look for a friend I haven’t seen for a while but he was on MC.

***

Invidia

Envy.

Of course, when you step into the studio, and see pretty girls all made up and such, you would feel alittle inferior whilst sitting there with a makeup-less face.

That was Jesseaca Liu in red, and the partner of my shoot, Zarelda in tube-top.

And then, you see people do what they enjoy doing, and you see the flamboyance of people who are good at what they do, and living life every so positively… Like Jesseaca’s makeup artist, who litted up my day with the jokes he cracked, and his brilliant views on sex and men. He doesn’t look his age, really.

And then, you sat there, observing, envying.

And then you saw the wedding gown, and you sat there envying. Pretty, you thought.

You hear about others’ jobs and then you envy.

And then, the shoot location was at a pretty cafe tucked away nicely in the National Museum.

And then, you envy how the young siblings are actually doing things you have always wanted to do.

And then, you envy.

Though I know this doesn’t fit the extreme definition of “those who commit the sin of Envy desire something that someone else has which they perceive themselves as lacking. Dante defined this as ‘love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs’”, it was just a part of me wishing to get where they are, someday.

I guess to me, envy just eats away part of my self-esteem cos I know I can never be good enough.

***

Superbia

Pride.

Oh. The most original and deadly sin. *Giggles* Vanity and Narcissism are prime examples of this Sin.

Plenty of it in this entry! Whee!

When I arrived at Mediacorp Publishing, I was a plain jane until the makeup artist did her magic.

This shoot happened because of a very nice Pamela, who had asked me to do a previous swimsuit(it was for mothers, nothing like what you think!) shoot but I had a prior engagement back then.

It was the first time I met Pamela, and she is such a gregarious lady that it was infectious. There is just so much positive vibes about her and she has a pair of 6-years-old boy twins! Lovely, lovely lady.

After my make-up was done, it was then time to get my hair done.

The hair-stylist decided to give me curls and waves, and set my hair, so that she would take it off on-site.

I ended up looking totally silly with a head of curlers, which I kinda like… gives a very 60s feel, you see.

We then promptly left the studio, not before I took pictures with this fabulous, funny chap, and I know not of his name. The only thing I know is, he is of my age, that’s all! And that he was involved with Jesseaca’s shoot for I-weekly(I read that every week since I was like 5!).

There was Sandra, my wardrobe stylist and art-director for the day, who also copes with an obsession for Hello Kitty! She is French, and has a incredible sense of humour and I absolutely adore her!

We bade goodbye to the team before we left for the Museum, and this is pretty Zarelda, who is a drama-teacher, and who is brilliantly of AWARE(you go, girl).

Gee, and I reacted with ignorance when she asked if I had heard of Women for Action, and I just couldn’t remember where and when I came across it.

I think we really should give more time and attention to such meaningful social causes around us.

It was funny when Roy and Brian saw her picture, they kept saying she looked familiar, but she wasn’t anyone they know.

Mindy casually took the camera over, and then said, “Oh, she was from my JC.”. What can I say, world is indeed small.

Sandra, Zarelda, my makeup artist(oh dear, I forgot her name, though she was really nice and I love her makeup skills!) and me then took a cab ride down to Museum from Ang Mo Kio, whilst the hairstylist drove her way there.

Alas, she called to say her car had stalled due to lack of petrol and she wouldn’t be able to make it until much later.

And with nothing on us, they could only let me wait for her arrival, with the heads of curlers, no less.

When was the last time you went to the museum?

It seems like it has been a week for me to revisit those memorable, nostagic places.

The museum has changed so much.

Our wardrobe for the day.

I took the time to explore the place, and I totally adored its deco.

Novus cafe is etched in a corner of the museum, and it is a cosy place to hang out and chill. Totally love it!

With the pretty desserts littered enticingly at the display counter, it is hard not to fall in love with such an exquisite little place.

Especially the large, long table near the bar.

The PR consultant struck me as awfully familiar, and it was after she left before I remembered her as Adrenalynne, who used to be a newscaster. It wasn’t quite the first time we crossed paths, cos I believe I have seen her before when I was always lurking around Hwachong many years ago, but it is just that it is a stranger face you recognise…

Life is quaint like such, so many faces would have crossed us all, but we would never know..

Joel, our photographer, who reminded me so much of Tetanus.

Zareldo all set and ready to go!

I love her jacket. Love it!

Everyone in action.

The wait eventually got a little too long, and the makeup artist tried to get my hair done for me with the little things she had with her.

I had loud, bouncy curls, which I kinda adore, though the fringe needed a little managing.

I joked that I looked like Mamasan.

Pretty curls! It is a shame that my curls no longer stay that way!

With no hair spray, my hair didn’t quite stay up the way it should, and it went limp right after my first shot was done.

Then I had a change of makeup for the 2nd scene, which was supposed to be funky for the night.

My hairstylist finally reached, and did my hair in a different way.

No more curls.

Novus have 3 different areas to sit in, the outdoor area, the indoors, and the corridor along the museum, where it was bright and the expanse of it, is liberating.

Too bad I was in the borrowed dress so I couldn’t sit on the beanbag. Heh.

Instead of funky, I thought I look tai-tai-ish. Must be the curlers.

Heh.

I love the makeup she did for me. Not too over the top, and neither was it too bland.

Finally it was a wrap after I had climbed up to sit on the bar. And it was plenty of fun.

The best thing of all is, you could meet so many inspiring, gorgeous, and absolutely kind people all in a day.

Sandra, Zarelda, and me.

With that, I bade them goodbye, where I walked over to Swissotel, where I indulged in yet another cardinal sin.

***

Gula

Gluttony.

I know not why, but I had always liked the idea of going for a nice dinner, be dazzled by the pretty lights, and just chill.

It was something I love to do with the ex, and uppety-class food and dining experience is something I like to do once in a blue moon.

And to wind down after finishing some recent projects, and to relieve the stress from all those things that have been going on… and of course, to thank some people who had helped us along the way, I suggested to do a very nice dinner.

Which I had eliminated places like Fosters, The Scarlet Hotel, The Ember, Fort Canning, Labrador Park… before Brian’s “I don’t mind Equinox actually..” that finally did it for the lazy planner here.

So, off to Equinox we went last evening, where we didn’t manage to get a window seat.

Still, it was pretty.

It was great change of pace.

They thought I had dressed up nicely for it, until they saw the flip-flops and denim under the table.

You see, my hair was done up and I was all made up. Muahaha.

I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. I love bread. Don’t tell me they are nothing but carbos. It doesn’t work on me. I love bread!

In fact, I had tried every single type of bread in the bread basket. Actually.. I forgot to ask if they do refills.

I love the sweet, cheesy ones.

It was then the appetizer was served. Some crabby thingy. We had tried to convince Roy that all dishes contained prawns since he is allergic to prawns.

Roy. When the sky was still bright.

It wasn’t that it wsn’t nice, but I believe we had just spoke of work and it just got me sulking.

Sky getting darker, gradually.

Our favourite dish was served! Foie Gras!

Roy had the audacity to ask me, “Foie Gras got cholestrol one meh?”

!!!!!

Mindy with hers. Hers is heart-shaped. Unfair!
Me with mine.

I am hungry now. Gee.

The steak which was nothing to shout about.

Desserts!

Yummy!

With my credit card, we had 70 over bucks of discount.

Yes, we were all very casual. Heh. Considering the fact that I was wearing flip-flops.. the best dressed award of the night went to Brian, who even turned up in dress-shoes.

Roy and me.

The BRATS!

The two chaps in my life who look monkeyish in this picture… who can be quite lovely, when I don’t feel like stabbing them with the steak knife.

This picture reminds me of Moulin Rouge, no idea why.

After a loooonnnggg time, the lighting test could only manage this at best:

But just a shame Brian moved. Can’t you sit still for once?

We took a while to watch the night view, before we had to rush off.

And because of that rush, I only manage to take this picture, which would have been nice if given the chance to remedy.

Bleah!

Ahh…. *burp*

Nice dinner.

***

Next up, was the gala premiere of Transformers, my childhood heroes.

It kicked ass!

I totally adored it and it was just.. so amazing.

You know, I had tears welling up cos I was so excited to relive that childhood of mine.

I sat right at the front row, where there was only me and FF.

Sorry babe, I know you were really bored.

I didn’t think the movie would be my cup of tea, but thanks to Uncle Roy for the invite, and it was fantabulous.

I love it!

My childhood hero was Optimus Prime(in Roy’s words, “Whose wasnt?”), and I was just giggling like I saw some cute little puppy or baby when I saw those Autobots transforming.

It was quite a funny movie, and I don’t know why it just got me so excited.

I loved Transformers as a kid though I couldn’t understand what was really going on.

It is good to finally know, and putting stories to the ‘faces’.

We all talked animatedly and excitedly post-show, that we even thought of the possibility of our phones becoming one of them since they had asked of us to deposit our belongings prior to the show.

We were even slightly disappointed that they didn’t have bikes transforming!

Roy, Brian and I went on to Swensen’s to talk about some of the directions we are heading, and then it got a bit heavy.

But it was some long nice talks with Roy.

***

Avaritia

Greed.

Not exactly.

But when someone had offered to pay for my cab fare home, I ‘cheap-ly’ accepted the terms and conditions to sit through a long night of planning.

I went on to Jalan Kayu to sit down to vet through some sales letter, and then spent hours talking about the points and highlights I need to put down, as well as justifying the strategies which I deem are right, and a must.

All these, just for the cab fare, despite I was all tired, and defeated.

Sigh.

What can I say?

Greed.

***

Acedia

Sloth.

I only woke up at 4pm today.

And it was one of the most fulfilling sleeps I had in a long while.

9 hours of undisturbed, no toilet-breaks, no interruptions, no time-checks sleep.

It was a nice wrap.

Though now, I shall not indulge too much in Sloth, but to move my fat ass to do some cleaning up.

Thanks guys, it was a great night.

In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter’s eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It’s hangin’ on when your heart
has had enough
It’s giving more when you feel like giving up
I’ve seen the light
It’s in my daugter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she’ll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I’m gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I’ll be there
In my daughter’s eyes

Thanks mumof2.

I heard this song when I was heavily pregnant, and I am just glad that I am getting re-acquainted with this song again.

In preparation for tomorrow, I went to have my manicure done.

But since I had so much anxiety attacks in the past week, I have pretty much tore my long nails out, and I had to get the stick-ons.

Not bad. Tomorrow will be such a packed day that it should be fun.

You know, it is funny. I had asked my colleagues if anything is on for tomorrow, and I was just glad to get “no” for answers.

Just an hour ago, my boss messaged me to ask if I could go back for training, but I had to tell him I wouldn’t be free.

Dammit.

I have a debrief for the event that was on Saturday, and I sure hope everything is gonna be positive before my other plans take place tomorrow.

Anyway, I remember when I first saw Wentworth Miller on Ghost Whisperer in season 1, and I was crying buckets thinking how hot he was.

I watched it again last night, and 3 minutes into the episodes, I was already crying.

Dammit.

It was scary and I ended up calling SBB in the midst of it just to say I am scared. Like, duh!

Did I say how I enjoyed Dreamgirls too? And then it got me hooked on Beyonce’s Listen.

***

I went to get my nails done at Bugis, at Qilin’s shop. She is gonna due anytime within these 2 weeks.

I bet my dollar on the fact that she would slim down super fast post-natal cos she still looks so slim whilst heavily pregnant.

***

Had coffee with Brian, evaluated the family day. I didn’t realise I had accumulated enough points with TCC that it was $9.90 off my bill today.

We went over to have drinks with Roy at Sim Lim(where else!), before JD and her friend joined us for dinner.

(My butt is not big, JD! You better not have a daughter *whistles*)

Brian dropped me off at 6th Avenue before I took a cab home.

My blueblack has no intention to fade off by tomorrow I think. Sigh.

And I think I need to get tampons(the horrors!). Actually I was thinking if I could just get a stick from anyone since I don’t think I will use the other from the box.

Bleah.

Okay, more drama-therapy, and hope tomorrow will go smoothly and I will have lotsa pictures to update.

It wasn’t quite an ideal start to the day with a meeting back in the office, and I wasn’t quite in the mood to head out of the house.

Fortunately, my colleague was heading home, and I decided to hitch a ride back home.

And then, a rife with my partner(who, was pretty stressed) that got me pretty upset and I just wanna hole up under the duvet and sulk the evening away.

A phone call with SBB didn’t quite help and I just wanna hang up on him. He had became my verbal punch bag in the wake of all the stress that had built up within me these hectic weeks.

He said he would call me back and I was all ready to avoid all his calls and ignore all his messages.

I was just sulking and sulking and sulking, when I heard the doorbell ring.

Couldn’t be. He never turns up unexpectedly.

Then the house phone was ringing relentlessly. I plucked out the cable.

Then the mobile blinked persistently. I chucked it under the pillow and pretended not to hear it.

I went to the hall to switch off all the lights and heard the door bell again.

When I decided to open the door finally, the other side of the peep hole was just lifeless.

So, he left, I supposed.

I went into my room and headed right under the duvet, and the phone rang again.

Arrrrrgggghhhhh.

I refused to pick up and then the door bell rang again.

I went to the hall and just opened the door in the dark and headed straight back into my dark room and dove right under the duvet, sulking.

He plonked right on top of me and gave me a tight hug. I wished he didn’t do that.

“Have you eaten? Are you hungry?”

I didn’t answer.

My defense wore thin and I just wanted to cry out the days of frustration.

Of course, my pride didn’t allow that though my eyes got a little too moist for my liking.

It was all silence when he laid down next to me, and dipped my head snugly onto his shoulders and gave me the tightest embrace he could manage.

“Everything is gonna be okay…”

I clung on tightly as he planted smooches to make me feel a little better.

I think the fact that I was looking all vulnerable and all curled up in bed afraid did something to him.

***

The corridor was dark and the lights were off.

He hugged me from the back as he leaned against the wall just by the guest room.

The guest room was where Minibean spent most of the time sleeping in for the first 2 months of her life, and I miss her a great, great deal.

***

*Checks bum in the mirror*

Hmm.. I can’t help but wonder if my butt is actually getting bigger.

Possibly from the childbearing.. or such, I think.

***

I was later told that he would have jumped through the back window at the kitchen should I not open the door.

Hahahahaha! Shit I should have just not open!

***

He ordered McDee’s and we sat across the mahjong table as we chatted the night away, bantered the night away, bickered the night away… tickled the night away.

It was then a slight hint of thunder was heard, and then the weather took a turn for the worse.

And… somehow, the rain soothed me so much more, of course it was the fact that I had someone around me when it rained that made it much more amazing.

“You know, last night my dad bought supper back for me, and we sat at the dining table eating Nasi Lemak, and talking about Minibean. I started to joked that he is spoiling her silly and she needs to be disciplined, and then he went on and said in a gentle yet defensive way ‘Yah what! She is just a baby, she doesn’t know anything that is happening, so cannot scold mahhh…’”

“Hmm… you know what? I agree with what your dad says.” He said with a big grin.

Grr….

With the occasion hugs from the back, and bursts of silly talks between the serious ones, it was all good.

It was the best when we were just sitting side by side on the bed with me sorting out some thoughts, recounting the past few days’, and hearing the slight rattles of the rain as I leaned close to his chest, feeling warm and fuzzy.

I love rainy nights.

A pity he didn’t stay long, and he left when the rain ceased a little.

As I bade him goodbye with another tight embrace, I whispered, “Be safe…”

Slightly less than 20 minutes later, the rain got heavier and I held the duvet around me even tighter, as I savour the traces of warmth he had left me with.

Friday was when all the madness started.

Alas, I had to make a rush back to my office to do a submission(I was rushing like crazy and no one seemed to be able to help me or to provide the answers that I needed, boohoo), before the ever dearest Dad of mine picked me up from the office to head down to the zoo.

I had a batch of productions that almost couldn’t come in in time, and thus, had to come in by air cargo instead of getting them seasick.

The supplier who had last-minutely got the goods off the ship, then asked my Dad, who was then coincidentally in China, to help with half of the supply.

Dad and his friends then each lug one 22kg box back when they took a flight back, and that, even saved the cost for half of the transportation fees.

The other half, was supposed to come in by air cargo, and had reached Singapore on Thursday, waiting for clearance.

So, Dad had stored the caps in his office ever since he got back, until it was time to deliver the goods to the event venue.

Initially, it was told to us to deliver to the event space at 7am on event day itself.

Then it was told to us that we could deliver a day earlier, but must be before 5pm.

Thus, we arranged for my Dad to send down the first batch, and we made other arrangements for the 2nd batch to come down on event day itself by 7am.

Eventually, they decided they want the goods down on the very day, and then if we had known earlier, we wouldn’t have arranged the clearance time to be too late in the evening.

So… at 4ish in the afternoon, I made my way to the zoo with Dad and his workers to deliver the caps.

Dad was so sweet to even help to carry the heavy boxes. It actually pained me to see him doing the carrying, and I tried to snatch it from him.

And him, on the otherhand, thought that it was too heavy for me(I was wearing a dress and heels somemore… I would not wear such to the site if I didn’t have to go back to my office!), and then snatched the boxes from my hands.

He then left, and Brian arrived to check on the caps.

We had some drinks and chatted and planned for the event… before we realised they wanted the caps to be down on the same day.

And then, it begun a long wait for the caps *Yawns*.. as we slowly witnessed the last people leaving the venue, and the day turned dark.

Silly girl becoming sillier with the agonising wait.

But it was so peaceful and it was nice.

I think we were pretty stupid not to explore the zoo by ourselves when we could actually do so FOC.

Partner-in-crime.
Night fell. It was then, only the crickets and us.

It was blardy lonely wait, and then other work stuff started to get to be and the stress started to build up in anticipating of the next day.

What can I say? I recently found 2 great ways to release stress.

One made me realised that I am a sharp, sleek marksman, and another, made me realised that plastic chairs could go a long distance in the air.

It was 9.15pm, and Dad, who was much more anxious than us, came down to check on us, and the supplier finally arrived with the rest of the goods.

We concluded the night and the stuff, before we headed to Jalan Kayu to meet up with the rest of the chaps(Nick, Roy and Ah Tan).

Sorry Brian, that I stained your bike. Muahahaha.

It was a total bitch-fest, and I was increasingly pissed with Mr Brian Lee, that as Roy sent me to Thomson to grab a cab, I ended up sitting at the bus stop, trying to dissect things that went wrong, and then it then caught up with me that everything that had happened, wasn’t what logic could explain.

I realise I could never grasp the complexity of human relationships.

However genuine you try to be, it doesn’t really matter to others, maybe because people are so used to seeing shows put up by others that people find it offensive when you don’t do what they expect out of you.

In the same breath, even if you find that you have a clear conscience, words just have a way to bite you in the ass without needing a reason why.

Yes I could have over-reacted being all affected, all scared and panicky, trying to flee to my comfort zone and just cut off all contacts with anything that breathes and speaks the human language.

But, I am just simply… fearful. The demons within that has yet to be exorcised came haunting, and that feeling almost choked me to death.

And even with the fact that I feel that I have a clear conscience, it still gets to me so much that, I was trying to find reasons to put it on myself that I was indeed wrong, and I must have been really, really bad.

Argh. I don’t like that feeling.

When I got back, it was late. Almost 3am.

Pepped talk by SBB, before I finally headed off to sleep at 4.30am.

The adrenalin almost kept me up all night.

Woke up at 5.30am, and had refused to get up till it was 6am when Brian bugged me to get out of bed.

I couldn’t find that self-confidence I so need to face thousands of people in a single day. I swear I could have started the day with buckets of tears, like a terrified schoolchild who resents school.

***

In my usual defense, the only way to psyche myself up to feel that I am fucking mighty, is to be superbly nasty.

You know, how it can delude yourself into thinking that you are powerful and give you a false sense of control.

***

The road was virtually empty just when I needed a cab.

Eventually, I flagged for one which was on the opposite of the road before he made an U-turn for me. Thank God. Most cab drivers wouldn’t have seen me.

I hopped on and told uncle Mandai Zoo.

He asked if I was heading to work that early, and I gave an affirmative answer before saying that I was in fact a little behind time.

He asked what time I had to be at the zoo, and I told him that I should be there like, 15 minutes’ time.

“Hmm.. So in your opinion, you don’t think I could get there in time huh?”

“Oh.. no, not that, just that I know most taxi-uncles don’t like to be rushed, so just take your time, don’t need to speed just for me.”

He didn’t say much, though he tried to make conversations with me, and then started to freak me out when he asked me if I ever heard of ‘Falun Gong’ and how it isn’t evil and such.

And he said with a smirk when we finally reached the zoo in 10 minutes’ flat, “See, you are not late.”
I think every cab driver loves a challenge.

It is like reverse psychology. They don’t like it when you rush them, but when you don’t rush them and cast doubts on them, they would take it like a challenge.

I know that well, and that was why I played the coy, meek, patient role so he would actually beat the timing. Tsk tsk, I am a bad girl.

***

Brian reached the zoo just as I was getting out of the cab, and much of the group of people were already there.

I found it hard to maintain eye-contact with most of them cos it was just so blardy hard for me to conquer the shy-monster and I absolutely loathe standing in front of the crowd.

(Breathe Ting, breathe!)

We got changed into our oversized, ugly, pink tees, and then I started to feel like the kopi-soh who serves coffee at those coffeeshops.
The day started off relatively peaceful with the part-timers allocated, and then the rest of the late-comers slowly getting into motion.

It was when everyone was on standby, when the bulk of the crowd turned up, and it was absolutely chaotic at the entrance, with thousands trying to come in at the same time, and the queue snaked all the way to the entrance of the zoo.

The heat was unforgiving and equally so was the crowd.

My plan of getting Roy to take care of Minibean was scrapped, and it was then an intense battle with being severely short-staffed, scorching sun, unreasonable crowd, and seriously-flawed planning.

My job of the day was to make sure my part-timers are doing what they are supposed to do, but then it evolved to command them to do what they were doing, and multi-task to do many other things cos we were so severely short-staffed, after the event co-ordinator had not taken up the suggestion of having more part-timers.

And then, the fabulous chaps were running up and down transporting supplies, and even the frail-looking, petite ladies wonderfully helped out by struggling with the heavy boxes.

The guys were extremely gentlemanly, even with multiple trips to the supply shed, whenever they saw ladies carrying boxes, they would rush to them to help, whenever they were not called in the midst of the boxes-ferrying to help out to cover some other duties.

The ladies didn’t complain when I asked them for help, and I am terribly sorry to put you girls through all those.

-Guys skip the next two paragraphs please-

And then to be absolutely gross here, it was terribly uncomfortable to have your first day of heavy-flow, and all sweaty at the butt and thighs, because you had no idea if you had leaked or was it sweat.

And then, you realised you blardy forgot to bring extra change of pads when you were carrying boxes up the slope and feeling the squish-squash gush when you exert force.
-end of horrifying details-

So seeing the shirt-clad partner of mine(oh who the hell dresses up in shirt to the zoo?!) sashaying in sunglasses, I couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of cattiness when he asked, “What other help you need?”

“Basically, I haven’t had my breakfast, not a single drop of water, bleeding like no tomorrow and not sure if it was sweat or blood that was running down my thigh, forgot to bring my change of pads, severely short-staffed, my part-timers are such poor things out there overworked,  the girls have to carry the heavy stuff too, the committee spoke to me, the crowd wasn’t exactly friendly to me, the cotton candy has ran out of ready-packed ones, and I just received a call that the animals are too hot and I have to find a place cooler for them, everyone wants part-timers from me when I have only this much to work with, so if you two are not interested into jumping into extra pink tees and make yourself useful and help with the boxes, then just stop standing there in your pretty shirt and ask me what help I want.”
Since he had muttered something along the line “Hell no.. I am not fucking not getting into that ugly pink tee…” with a disgusting sneer, I didn’t think there was a chance he would do it.

So he did the next best thing.

He went to Cheers to buy the only brand of winged sanitary pads for me and followed behind me with the plastic bag in his hand. Muahahahaha!

Eventually, I didn’t have the time to change and he got tired and stuffed it into my bag, which Roy carried around the event site the entire time.

It was only at 11.30am that the madness subsided and the queue was relieved by alternative planning.

By then, many had queued for more than an hour, and the event was drawing to a close at 12noon.

***

Ugly Singaporeans.

Free caps, free goodie bags, free candy floss, free pop corn, free whatever would make their hideous traits out in the light.

I know a few had been rude to the part-timers, and with the hard work they put in, I seriously don’t think they deserved it.

I suggested letting preggos and elderly to jump queue, and when I saw an old lady with a head of greys and walking really slowly in the queue, I had brought her to the front of the queue with her family in tow.

Another family had an old lady with them, so I led them to the front of the queue too.

Then, a Malay lady came to me and gave me a dirty look, “Why they can go in first?”

“Oh it is because they have elderly with them, so I would let them go in first, like I would for pregnant ladies.”

She turned and looked as the 2 families headed into the entrance with the adults following behind the elders, so all she saw were the grown men following.

“Where got elderly? They not old what!”
“They are the family of the old lady at the front.”

“Ai yah whatever lah, just follow lah,” and with that, she just tried to jump the queue as I asked her to join the queue at the back.

And these are not the only irritating things that happened… and I think I would blog in the next private entry just to…. vent it all out.

It was just odd that eventually, I had to make decisions and calls though by right, I wasn’t in the position to do so cos quite simply, I wasn’t the person in charge of the logistics, nor was I a representative from the said company.

But there really wasn’t any authorised person in sight, and I know some of the part-timers and even myself were pushed to make decisions during crunch time.

I am just thankful I have very abled people on hand to take charge and take lead, and  they made the best out of a out-of-hand situation.

I would like to take the opportunity to thank a few people…. like Lynn, Lihui(who wasn’t part of the event), and Yueshan.

Thank you girlies, who actually helped so much to get together the bulk of people for this event. You girls are amazingly responsible and have the most fabulous working attitude I ever seen(and sooooo organised!).

Jasmine, Jasmine, Eunice(sorry you had to help with the tall banners :P), Lingxuan, Lijuan, Liling, Peijun and Siew Ee who were at the ticketing booth, Amber, Sharmain, Yvonne(who became Yvoone), Charlene(I have been hearing about you trio’s photocopy responses to the SMSes! Good job ladies!), Rainie, Michelle(you had a special mention by someone who praised your working attitude), Winnie and Shiaun Hu.

Many others, whom I know you guys don’t actually need this job, but had helped out because you wanted to help(thanks Ivan, and sorry the bitch here abandoned you at the cab queue! You know I looooveeee you! :P).

And terribly sorry I didn’t have the time to get better acquainted with each and everyone of you, and I might even forget some of you guys’ names(I seem to remember every single girl though!).

Zhe Ying, Ivan, Lynn, Mattail, Regina, who displayed quality leadership skills to help manage the chaos, as well as their quick-thinking skills to try to alleviate the situation by giving valuable suggestions.

Jiewei, Xiao-Di, Lionel, Darren, Scott, Eugene(ohh uhm…Brian thought you are ‘not bad’ *cough*), and some other guys whom I might have forgotten your names, but definitely not forget how you guys were doused in sweat, moving the endless boxes up the slope to the collection point.

The helpers at the respective booths who were so cheery and bubbly throughout despite the heat, I believe you people’s positivity would have brightened up the patrons’ day out!

I hoped you guys had a good meal and had some time to go around the zoo.

At the end of the day, honestly I didn’t think the event was that successful. And I thought I would reflect some thoughts to the organiser, but I am not sure if I should cos honestly, I might not be in the position to.

Only thing I am glad is though I had lotsa compliments about the part-timers, and I knew the organising company’s boss and the end client were appreciative of their efforts.

I myself was so maxed out that I headed to lunch with Mattail, Rainie, Ivan, Roy, Brian at the buffet place, and only took pictures along the way.

I could hardly feel my legs, and as the adrenalin started to wear off, the world = buzzing sounds.

I was sweaty, tired, and not only I looked like a kopisoh, I smelled like a sweaty one too.

I was of equal hue to my tee. And my eye were red, and sore.
I took some pictures with Brian: Which in Roy’s and Mattail’s words, “He stinks!”

The white tiger.

Why isn’t it moving?!

Finally, we had lunch, but none of us had any great appetite despite it being buffet lunch. I should have just went straight for the pizza(but no air con!) and Ben & Jerry’s.

Me and two other grumpy animals.

We tried to smile…. but it didn’t seem enough effort was put in.

Let’s try again.

Ah well.

At least they can fake it better than I do.

I had wanted to take pictures to journal the entire event, but it was just so impossible to do so.

I am just glad it is over.

I am going to use this as a good example to future clients that events of such scale should never scrimp on part-timers.

Once again, thank you all who had made it possible… sorry if I missed out any of your names. I would have sent out SMSes to you guys if not for the fact that I don’t have Starhub internet group SMS service like someone do!

Hope you guys enjoyed yourself and gained some valuable experience from this event like I did. And I sure do hope you guys already recover from the terrible bodyaches from the exhausting day too.

Lotsa gratitude,

Me.

The event is finally over, and there are much afterthoughts I have about the entire thing, which I would probably blog about in a while’s time, though most probably I would have to lock them up as private posts.

In the meantime, I finally have enough rest.

I only slept for an hour prior to the event, and with the scorching sun, gushing blood down south, and barely any liquid intake, it was purely by the grace of adrenaline rush that kept me alive and moving.

Oh, adrenaline keeps you full throughout the day too.

When I finally reached home at 5ish(I was talking to the cab driver in gibberish that I gave him 3 same instructions in the span of 10 seconds, because I had forgotten that I had given him the same instruction just seconds ago.

When I had alighted from the cab, I took out a ten dollar bill, and a 50 cent coin.

And then I handed the bill to the driver, and I threw the 50 cent back into the wallet.

DUH!

Ah well.

After an update phone call to SBB, I dove right into the bed, and napped from 6pm to 12midnight.

And then, I started my fatigue-therapy.

It was near 4am when my fatigue therapy couldn’t fight the Z-monster, and I retired for the night, only waking up in the morning for 15 minutes when Dad bought breakfast for me, and gave me some laminated copies of Minibean’s pictures. So sweet!

Alas, the breakfast became my dinner, after I had woken up at 4pm in the afternoon.

The bodyaches(shoulders, arms, legs, back… plus those I got from carrying Minibean!), the blueblacks(where did they come from?!), the headache, the hunger(I survived on one unfinished serving of buffet lunch since the roti prata supper on Friday night), the need to hide awayyy…

And the cravings for popcorns for days(adrenaline made me sick when I tried to eat the free popcorn yesterday!) was finally fulfilled, and I finally have a decent meal since the lunch at the zoo yesterday - in the form of a delifrance sandwich dinner(I dragged my lazy ass out cos I decided it is cheaper than McDee’s and they having promotional price!).

The night shall progress with my Fatigue-therapy.

Like CSI: NY and The Devil Wears Prada last night…

Today shall be:

Ghost Whisperer Season 1(oh, season 2 will survive me for the next month)

Walk the Line

Great Expectations

Dreamgirls

Inside Man

I shall blog more when I decide to have a break from my therapy.

If something ever were to kill me, that would be words.

Words from people who matter, who doesn’t matter, who cares, who doesn’t.

Just words.

I have been killed by them too many times, that I have refused to recall those things in the past when words have eaten away part of me.

Like they said, I have an elephant memory. Thus, whenever something happens, it would just evoke those memories, and I am reminded once again that, I am, truly, afraid.

Fucking afraid.

If I can have my way, I wouldn’t want to be at the zoo tomorrow.

But I know the self in me will never allow myself to do so.

Of all things, words. Which everyone is capable of.

And thus, I have stuff a weapon into everyone’s hands, to stab, mutilate, and destroy me with.

But, who can I blame?

Essentially, I am the one who bestowed them the power, and rights to do so.

I can’t sleep.

Call it anxiety, call it a heaviness in the heart.

3.51am.

The countdown begins.

I felt this heaviness in my heart when I woke up today.

I had a dream, and in the dream, Dad was weak and immobile, and it was just so heartbreaking that after fighting so many things for all these years, there is no way he, nor anyone, could beat age.

You know how such dream will make you wake up and feel like crap, because the thought of them aging, or leaving you is just so overwhelming and heartbreaking?

In the same dream, he was insisting to carry Minibean despite his condition, and I do not know how or why, the dream took an interesting turn when Minibean started to stand up and walk, and I exclaimed, ‘My God! She’s only 6 and half months!’ in extreme shock, and was trying to look for the camera.

Just then, a phone call from Dad came in(in reality!) and woke me up from the strange dream.

Of course, I had stranger dreams than that, but it is just some dreams would leave you with more lingering feeling than others.

Dad has been walking with a slight limp these days, and I tend to look away because it will fill my heart with so much sadness.

***

I spent yesterday working from home, and finally giving some attention to my financial field. Despite that, much of the time was co-ordinating the part-timers and setting the last-minute contingency plan into action for the zoo event tomorrow(-gasp-).

Time in front of the computer makes you realise that a whole new era would have came and passed, and you would have no idea.

And the definition of information lag without being online holds a brand new meaning when news only get to you like, hello? 4 days late!!!!

But *giggles giggles* it was all worthwhile. Explosive enough!

***

I met up with a client to close an insurance case last night too, and what surprised me was when I said, “I have been breathing and surviving on McDee’s for the last week!”

He laughed and said incredulously, “Really? It’s either you are really craving for it, or that you are really broke!”

It caught me by surprise, before I could only say matter-of-factly, “Haha! Really? On the contrary, McDee’s is a luxury for me, you know? On bad days, I would curb the urge and just walk a little further to have the $1.90 Nasi Lemak at the hawker centre or just not eat!”

Quite honestly, I know this is bad for me to say, but I did go hungry or just survive on one meal when I was pregnant(before parents found out). And it was during then, I took cab rides much lesser than I did these days. Laughs.

I guess life, is different, like such.

I spent late last night watching Music and Lyrics on uhm… my computer. I didn’t do what FF did(cough cough).

I enjoyed the show, it was darn funny seeing Hugh Grant, and it finally took a load off my week, before the real shit comes, in half an hour’s time, when I have to scoot off the house to get everything done, and then consider the possibility of bringing Minibean back tomorrow morning with Roy babysitting her while I work, at 7am in the morning.

So, anymore good movies to recommend me? Just throw in any idea since I didn’t catch any movies for the past one year, I believe any good movies you recommend wouldn’t be on my ‘watched’ list.

Time to drag my ass out of bed.

The day kick-started when Dad called home to say he would be dropping by for a while.

Sometimes, it is amusing to see the soft side of grown men, especially with the help of a baby.

He had made a quick trip home to see how she is doing(under my care, that is), before he rushed off for a meeting. That was at 11.30am, even though he would be picking us up at 2pm for her jab appointment.

Of course, she was happy. She loves grandpa.

And she gave me a relatively easy day for Wednesday and she was all smiley again despite her crankiness the night before.

She is learning to give all sorts of expressions these days, and she loves biting her lips in, looking cheeky.

We spent a little ‘we-time’ together after Dad left.

She was by my side as I surfed the internet, and she was smiling when I tried to tell her what Mummy was doing.

She started crawling all over me as she tried to push her knees forward(she is no longer crawling on her tummy!), and then as I was taking the next picture, she puked on me.

So it captured the exact moment when I reacted to the milk(I totally abhor milk since I was a toddler!).

She even flashed me a cheeky grin right after that.

She played with the camera and then I turned the camera towards her, and guided her finger to the button.

And here, her first ever photography masterpiece - of herself:

She played with the Shrek ears and her papa’s bear, before it was shower time!

I gave her a shower, and it is so much easier to do so these days cos she would be able to sit in the tub. She loves the water. Mum was telling me how she would refuse to stand up in the tub(so she doesn’t have to get out of the tub, and can have her fun in the water), yet she would refuse to sit down on the bed(so the adults would have to carry her!).

She fell asleep and when she woke up, her clothes were drenched with drool, and thus, another change of clothes, which made her quite happy to be out of a dress. Heh.

Mummy Ting has a soft spot for tied-tops.

Mummy Ting thinks all babies look oh-so irresistable in them.

So, my dad came to pick us up to head to NUH.

She was starting to look a little worried…

Until her Papa called, and the phone gave her some form of distraction.

She loves phones.

And anything she could get her hands on. She ended up pulling hard on my phone, that I had to bend over so I could speak on the phone to her Papa.

She was a conversation-opener, with many people coming up to play with her, though she seemed to be confused by the going-ons.

We didn’t have to queue, and we went for the appointment as soon as we reached.

So it was time to prep her for the jab, and from previous experience, we knew it would need some form of distraction to keep her occupied.

While waiting, I took off her sock, so she could play with them. Hahaha.

And I had been carrying her without the sling for 2 days(thus explains the bad muscle ache I am having!), so just a bit more, and I can say byebye to my byebye-arms.

With one hand grabbing her thigh, and another waving her sock to divert her attention, and singing Twinkle twinkle at the same time, it was a success without a tear from her.

She was all ready to cry when she scrunched up her face, and when I waved the toy, she stopped. Once I stopped waving, she seemed to remember something and started to cry out, I sang Twinkle twinkle, and she seemed confused, not knowing to smile or cry. And thus, she did neither.

I held her close thereafter, and she is yet again, my tough cookie. Awww.

Jabs are expensive. Credit cards are brilliant.

I headed to my client’s to make sure some stuff were delivered, and that to also see how things were going.

Brian was there to drop off the buttons(which you guys will see lots of it in next couple of posts. Minibean will do advertising for them), and I was fast to force upon my bike fetish to the little one.

Yes, I cropped away my byebye-arms cos they looked too disgusting, and I wish I could crop away my tummy too. Dammit.

I nearly dropped her off the bike when she was moving too much(but of course, my hand was already there, so it wasn’t quite possible she would actually fall off). Maybe that’s why she looks like she is clinging on to her dear life in this picture. Laughs.

I actually drafted an earlier entry and I had actually said Minibean might make a special guest appearance.

The girls are damn good with babies!

She was quite overwhelmed with so much people, and she was actually recognised as ‘Minibean’ by Siew Ee!

Minibean acted coy and gave slight, abashed smiles. Act demure.

I soon bade everyone goodbye and changed my original plan to head down to Sim Lim to visit Uncle Roy, cos.. Minibean had an appointment to go for….

***

It was perhaps, not the first time he had spent time with her(since he had dropped by some other times).

But it was perhaps one of the first times, he had spent some time with her while she is awake(Once, she was awake but crying, and then we had to rush to meet friends, another couple of times, she was already asleep).

While waiting.

It was at a little cafe nearby where Minibean and I were, where we had met for a meal. Somewhere air-conditioned, so Minibean wouldn’t feel cranky due to the heat.

After he had sat himself down and made himself comfortable, he held his hands out to carry her over to sit her on his lap, as he ran through the menu for something to order.

She was reaching out to whatever he was holding, and occasionally, tilting her head upwards to take a good look at him.

He passed her back to me, stood up and excused himself after making his order.

Without knowing where he was going, we were left sitting there waiting for him to come back.

Minibean kept turning back to see if he had made his way back, or maybe, she was just fascinated by the passing traffic outside.

It was a pretty long wait, before she got hungry and cried for milk.

As she held on to her bottle, she fell asleep.

It was darn funny when she was still sucking as she was asleep, and her little hands relaxed, with the bottle threatening to fall off.

A sudden loud thud from the kitchen made her jump a little, and she immediately pushed her little hands upwards to lift the bottle up, and her sucking intensified, even though she was still asleep. That happened a few times, and she was still sleeping throughout.

I was looking on and laughing to myself.

He got back just in time, with a plastic bag in his hand, and was amused by the sight as well.

“So fast she’s asleep already?”

He took out 2 little bags of something from the 7-Eleven plastic bag, and opened them up.

Inside, were these:

Stressball-like toys, which are actually keychains.

He carefully picked away the stray strands of fibers from the bag to make sure they were clean, “Better not let her play with the bags”, he said, referring to the annoying fine strands sticking to our hands.

He then borrowed a pair of scissors to cut away the string that was attaching the metal key ring to them, so that all was left, was the soft toy only.

We tried to wake her up as it was getting late, and my Dad was going to pick us up to head back to Malaysia.

I took her out of her stroller, and stood her on my laps. She let down her legs and stood firm, opened up her eyes and turned to look around, before she nodded herself asleep again(like those MRT people!).

And then she concussed out on my shoulder.

Eventually, she did wake up a little, and they spent a little more time together as I packed the stuff.

She was particularly amused by him and his gadgets, that when we finally got up and left, she was on the verge on crying when those had to be returned to him.

Honestly, I think you did a better job at handling her wants, getting her attention and affection, than I do.

From the corner of my eyes, I finally saw him giving her the kiss he had always asked me to give on his behalf.

We left by the back door, where a very nice helpful foreign worker helped us.

When I told Minibean to say ‘thank you’(I know she still can’t, but basic manners should be taught since young!), she turned around and had a scare when he had placed his face too near to her.

I realised she is quite scared of people with… pimples. Lots of them, especially.

She started crying and then I laughed, saying she shouldn’t and she should be saying thank you instead. She hushed, and then just looked on to the man, amused.

The man tried to make her laugh and said she is real cute, and she just seemed so confused.

For the X-th times, she was mistaken to be Korean/Japan baby. Maybe due to her cute little eyes, that looks like uhm… tadpoles when she smiles.

The journey back to Malaysia was a much smoother one, though she suddenly went ‘AEEEHHHH!’ loudly, and was giving me cheeky smiles again.

Then, another loud ‘AAAEEEEEEHHH’ as if she was trying to talk. I could felt the vibrations on my thigh each time she forcefully said, ‘AAAEEEEHH!’.

She was crapping. Muahahahaha, and she was telling me she was crapping as she crapped.

Because of her nap at the meal place, she was wide awake throughout the car ride, and I was the one who fell asleep with her in my arms as she tried to get me to wake up.