I kept the picture and decided to print it, frame it up, and show her in the future.
I love it!
I sent it to Potatomus, knowing she is the only one who can appreciate such pictures… and she outrightly branded Minibean fugly.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
In Potato’s words, “She looks like someone just farted in her face.”
Not me!
Click on it for full effect.
Oh dear baby, you are becoming like Daddy.
Nonetheless, she is still a pretty lady.
Love ya baby.
You are the one who keeps Mummy sane…
A pity I won’t be able to get my dosage of her this week, and she will be sorely missed.
In other news, I was terribly packed today as I had to split myself in different ways…
My Brian’s babes(he sarcastically said “YOUR girls huh?” so I guess his penis is making him a dickhead to even want to “claim territory”) gave me a little headache before the show started, and the gan cheong queen in me was all panicky and couldn’t sleep throughout the night.
A hiccup here and there when the show kickstarted, but I was surprisingly how out of my expectations these ladies are.
You know how sometimes you pre-judged people based on what you have heard, or taking certain ways they say things on face value?
I took a chance and it paid off, and I adore this bunch of crazy girls(I was worried about having a casualty at the end of the day hahahaha), and their spunky attitude.
It was a breeze today and I had great fun. It makes me look forward to tomorrow instead of dreading it.
Wait a minute, I do still dread tomorrow.
I need tonnes of confidence and esteem to tide me over tomorrow.
But with the indication of tears after a hectic day today, whilst sitting at the coffeeshop with Meiling(I am so sorry that I missed the rehearsal when remedying some stuff that took up bulk of the time… It was over by the time I reached Velvet Dragon).. and what’s new? Esteem issues again.
I look tired. I look old. I look flabby.
I just wanna shrink back into my comfort zone. And I can’t wait.
Then again.. no chance of me doing so. I had thought I would be able to do so next week.. and apparently, NOT.
I was superbly tired at 11pm and I drifted off for a half an hour nap.
I woke up and decided I was hungry. I craved for chocolate when I was speaking to SBB on the phone.
I searched the fridge, and found a life-saving bar of Mars. I am surprised it wasn’t put to other use(ahhhhhhhhheeeeemm) and survived long enough to fix my craving.
I was full after my snacks, and I ended up editing pictures for my next Minibean posts.
And then….
Someone, tried to turn me on over a late night MSN exchange by telling me what he would like to do to me, and asking me what SBB did to me. Cough.
I would say he did a pretty impressive job there, which frankly, got me pretty in need of some hot, wild living.
My honest take is, I really wouldn’t mind jumping him. It is like a concept that is conceivable. But yet if the conversation has taken place in reality.. it seems barely likely.
And in this 2 years, I guess the only person I would not mind jumping is CBB, but yet I chickened out anyway.
Alas, as usual, when the invitation came in, I only could muster a wry smile and stack it to the back of my head.
I met him for the first time at an event a year and half ago. We carried the same bag and he’s tall, skinny, and boyishly attractive despite of his age of 32(haha, what we always joked about not being in our ‘era’).
He asked me couple of weeks back if I hadn’t gotten pregnant(he did ask me out for drinks back then when we first met, but I was already 4 months pregnant and I kinda just gave excuses to wriggle my way out and we never met up again since the first encounter), would we actually end up dating.
This man is wild. Surprisingly, he reminds me of a combination of SBB and CBB(looks and flirting wise).
All 3 are male sluts. Dammit.
And I think I have just found the common traits of the guys I am drawn to. Yeah. Male sluts. Not exactly good news there.
***
For the 2nd time in a week, I have been asked if my nose is fake. I am not sure to laugh or cry, cos I have hated my nose with a passion for the longest time and I would love to get it fixed. If this is the kind of results I get from a nose job… I will demand a refund.
And the person who insisted I had done is, is annoyingly my mum.
And she wanna act smart as she eagerly asked if I had done it, and assumed I did.
If I really did, people would not be saying Charissa has gotten my nose, cos hers is simply too flat to be her dad’s.
HMPH.
I can’t seem to sleep. And momentarily, I have once again forgotten that Comex is just a day away.
That moment, felt utterly brilliant.
See you guys, at Comex.
Thursday, 30th August 2007, 12pm - 9pm, Suntec City.
The start of the week has been an annoyingly hectic one.
It wouldn’t have been so annoying if everything didn’t seem to go wrong.
The problem with me is, the immediate response to mistakes would be one of helplessness, because honestly, my self esteem wouldn’t bring me over to the next step of contingency.
So yeap, tempers flared, walking away, before I would try to remedy and take back control.
Like I said before, I ain’t exactly the best person to work with.
Thank you, for that in the midst of your busy schedule, you slowed the pace to listen to me. As much as I know what you were trying to get at, when you encouraged me to try and try, but honestly, I am just not prepared to face failure with each attempt. It eats away a part of me so much that I would one day, die.
But the topic of esteem, is a taboo one. I just sat there, stubbornly, though eventually, I cried. I hate the feeling of being reminded of how I would never get there. I am not you. Don’t expect me to be like you.
Like I said, I am everything you are not, and that, is a good thing for you. Nobody should ever be like me.
It just seems like a blatant reminder of how inferior I am, as compared to you.
You could make everything sound so simple, and I wish I am engineered the way you are too. I wish. Don’t ask me to try.
You know, sometimes when working with friends, or for friends, there is a tendency to be extra careful every step of the way. I don’t mean the partners sense, but more of, working together as 2 companies coming together.
I had worked with many different friends long enough to know that some are brilliantly enjoyable, and some are incredibly stressful, that could affect friendships.
But there are some, I feel the stress, because I am over-eager to show, to perform, to live up.. no, to exceed expectations to be exact.
I have many successful, pretty, and the nicest possible friends. I look at their confidence, their attractiveness, their wits, and I wallow in the fact that I could never be them.
They could have been what my parents, what people would love to expect out of me.
Problem is, I am not them and I can never be them. I know I never said this, but when I was at the lowest points in my life, I shied away from my closest friends who are like such, simply because… it became a bitter contradiction of reality. I am not bitter, but I am inferior.
Maybe that is why I do have a lot of people I keep close to heart, but I always become a tad elusive after a while, feeling the need to draw away.
I guess, that is why, I will always be a loner who sticks out like a sore thumb.
I had to go back to the office yesterday for a meeting, and as much as harmless jibes came in my way, I couldn’t help to feel it again.
I am very very grateful to Justine, who ran out of the other lift, just to dash into the lift I was alone in.
She asked why I never seem to ask anyone to go for lunch, but I just said I don’t know how to with a mischievous grin.
I wanted to buy her lunch, which totalled to $6.60 inclusive of mine, but it became a tussle to stuff money into the cashier’s, and she had to tell the cashier not to take my money cos “She no money one!”.
You might think I will feel insulted, but I didn’t. In fact I love the way she is.. she is real, and very genuine, and has the innocence so lacking in this field. And yes, who am I to compare to her when she is of MDRT status for many years.
And then she eagerly told me about how someone asked her to introduce this scaringly huge corporation CEO’s son a girlfriend, and I was the first to cross her mind. She tried so hard to sell me she told me, and she told the friend about my background honestly. Of course, the friend couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but she still insisted on it.
She is just so damn cute, can?
Of course, who am I to match up to someone like that? She told me she is still pestering her friend for that.
I went down to Sim Lim thereafter and thought I would need to rush back to office in that hour’s span.
When I saw the costume for our client, I was short of fainted on the spot. Of course what went on in between that led to that explosive episode between Brian and I should be left forgotten.
Put it simply, I could allow no room for mistakes. Others, nor mine. I had meticulously planned for everything and made a concerted effort to see to everything personally simply because I wanted everything to be right.
Of course, the only thing I didn’t do, was to sent the fabric to the tailor, explain to the tailor, nor collect the costume personally.
And everything that could go wrong, went wrong.
I was short of burning them, buy fabric for myself to sew something out of nothing when I have never sew any garments before. Oh wait, I did, in home economics classes when I was 13(when I was 14, I was taking technical studies).
Eventually, my bare sense of responsibility battled the immense sense of defeat, and I dragged myself to the tailor and appeared unexpectedly though I insisted to someone to settle the mess since he didn’t check and make sure.
It finally looked decent at the end of it, and we were short of jumping around in joy, weeping happy tears.
Though in the process of remedying it, we had to make some more changes with whatever we had, however limited knowledge we have.
I met up with a model for another client, and the night concluded smoothly.
I went home, and I went all hollow.
***
It was a fabulous morning to laze in bed, but I woke up early to do some work before rushing to get my hair done in time for the hair show.
The rain was very heavy but since my hair was going to be washed anyway, I just ran across after getting impatient waiting for some good Samaritan to share brolly with me. Grr.
My apologies to Meiling because I had to stop her at least 3 or 4 times to get some work done because by right I had to meet the models/makeup artiste/work partner/calling up contingency plans… but my hair took longer than expected.
And of course my countless phone calls and messages that disrupted the process.
And I am terribly sorry to some of them because of the countless changes, and the eventual turnout of a promise unkept.
I do feel very bad, really.
It was then rushing around, again, before I finally sat down for my first meal at 9pm.
I even missed sending a friend off cos eventually, there were more mad rushes to do.
2 more days to event day.
And honestly, as I sink deeper into my shell… it seems surreal to me that I am actually involve in it.
My detachment is so bad that, some times, some moments, I couldn’t remember what I have on this week, and I thought I could bring Minibean back with me.
It is so bad that, sometimes I try thinking hard, and I don’t even recall I have an event this week. I will go… “Oh.. I think I have something on this weekend.. but what is it huh? I just can’t seem to remember. Maybe I am free afterall…” before I remember.
It is getting bad.
Very bad.
But yeah, like my colorgenics said, I have much to prove. So yeap, I still can’t slow down and breathe. Yet.
The weekend was yet another memorable one, and I would soon blog about another exciting weekend Minibean had(hint: She didn’t get turn away from this place! It was Charles’ birthday!).
It is great to bask in her company for 2 consecutive weeks, knowing there are another 2(this coming week’s still… pending though) to come.
Most importantly, I am just glad to see her soaking up the love and cuddles every uncle and auntie had to offer her, and getting attention here and there. It makes her happy, and thus, makes me too.
Okay. This post is not about sweet-nothings.
It has been a strange weekend. I have so much built-up angst within me, that it is chillingly scary.
I seldom say I hate something with a passion. The most, I would say I resent, and I loathe, but if there is something I absolutely hate, is to be taken for as a fool. I can let some stuff go and pretend I don’t know even though it is plain to see how guilty and hopeless you are as a person.. But silly efforts to fool me just to make yourself look better, is simply humiliating and disgusting.
Please, just leave a little dignity for me. That is the least I expect out of you as a friend. I will appreciate it very much.
***
I have a splitting headache since yesterday evening.
A evening break to head out despite the initial reluctance was pretty refreshing.
But the headache bugged me and it got worse when I woke up this morning with Minibean pulling my hair after she failed to get my attention with her whimpers.
I immediately popped 2 aspirins in my state of delirium, and it still didn’t seem to go away.
I looked into the mirror and I saw patches of rashes over my face. Patchy, ugly, red patches.
I don’t have concealer, and the worst part? I had a fitting and phototaking this afternoon.
Okay.
I don’t normally get skin condition these days, but it must be my karma after 2 intensive days of bitching about(ahem, cough, Roy, not you, really, cough) people with extremely bad skin, especially when I casually spoke to Brian about how find bad skin looks contagious, despite I had a very bad puberty phase with severe outbreak, and I tend to pick them so much that my teacher once stopped teaching cos I was squeezing this red and raw pimple until it was bleeding and I still was picking on it.
Brian then shared how he would not let this girl with bad complexion rub his cheeks with hers long long time ago, cos he also ‘hiam’ bad complexion and simply doesn’t like the look of it.
All because of JD’s fault. I keep having visuals of a sleeping Roy picking his pimples in my head.
So yah. Karma caught up with me, and I was horrified.
***
So headache was subsequently gone, but by late noon, I could feel the full effects of the headache again.
And now, my head is still throbbing to the trance music playing on my media player.
I feel kinda horrible actually.
And it didn’t help when I went to get my new glasses today, and I decided to wear them, and chose to take out my contact lenses.
I walked around like I was floating on air.
I crossed the very jammed roads with poor judgment.
And there were so many people at the custom, that I chose to take a walk instead.
And I was utterly annoyed when this ah beng was whistling at the tunnel as he walked behind me, NON-STOP.
Wee-U-wee. Wee-U-wee. Wee-U-wee.
And when you walked such long distance, and getting all sweaty, warm, and as usual, I would feel a little not-too-good after leaving Minibean… it is just so easy for me to feel totally pissed off.
I just walked on and ignored him. In front of me was a big group of guys and I kept close to them as the stupid, brainless ah beng kept on doing it non-stop.
NON-STOP throughout the tunnel, going up 2 flights of stairs, walked across a bridge, up another 2 flights of stairs, a long walk to the escalator, and up the escalator.
I was very tempted to turn back and show the middle finger, and then politely asked if he is simply a lowlife with nothing better to do, and perhaps add some expletives to insult his intelligence, but I simply held back.
Oh well.
So the queue at the immigration was packed to the glass door. There was only one row opened for Singaporeans/PRs.
I stuck to my row, and you could see people sprinting when another 2 lanes were opened up.
So my lane was cut short because people were running, and I walked hurriedly forward, but then some others from another lane would have ran to MY lane to cut queue.
I could only blame myself for being slow, so it was okay. I rolled my eyes at those animals and just breathed.
Then, the guy in front of me moved up, and then some people from the other lanes cut in front of me to run towards the lane next to me.
Right then, this uncle decided not to run to the lane cos there were simply too many people running over and he would lose out, so he stopped.
RIGHT BEFORE ME. And he stood there, pretending he was rooted there from the beginning.
I am not sure if the running of thoughts during the long walk(during the walk, I realised how vicious I could be. I am always so wary these days about people, that I have thought of how I would counter-attack should I be provoked. It was almost scary. I was thinking how I would react, and how I would fight back should I be robbed or assaulted simply because I didn’t want to lose my watch which is a present from parents, my camera which has fresh pictures of Minibean, and my passport because I dread the thought of being grounded in Malaysia) or the headache or the screwed-up jerk got to me and the inconsiderate uncle just ticked the bomb.
For the first time ever, after so many complaints of people who cut my queue, I spoke up without even stopping to think about if I should.
“Hello? Excuse me! Can you please queue up? You are cutting MY cut my queue.”
He turned back, pretended he didn’t understand me, and then looked sheepish and gestured he had been there for a while when people were looking at him.
“I have been standing behind him all this while. Can you please move to the back?”
Quite honestly, the steelness in my voice, the coldness in my stare, the stony emphasis of words…. it was quite scary. He didn’t dare to argue back and acted blur as if it was a misunderstanding, and moved… behind me. He is a burly man, towering over me, and I must have been quite insane.
Right after we came out of immigration, I decided to take a bus and headed to the bus queue.
Right then this Malay uncle with long hair and beard, walked past me. Fat and ugly and short. That son of a bitch blew a huge breath into my face when I walked past him.
It was fucking smelly and smelt of alcohol. I highly suspected he was one of those bus drivers for those Malaysia buses. I am not sure if the built-up angst that made me feel so much angst and disgust towards men, I nearly wanted to grab him by the collar and tell him to FO, and that what did he think he was doing.
And I mean a real urge to do so. I bet I would throw in a punch to, if I had to.
I have anger management issues.
I think I had replayed too much violence and evilness in my head when I was walking back from Malaysia to Singapore.
Nowadays it is so unfair in there that I am like preparing myself for war everything I am left alone.
***
Just when I was going to board the bus, this fat woman in red tee shoved me.
At least I didn’t seem to mind.
When we got on the bus, it was so packed that she was standing on the stairs and I was standing right beside the bus uncle.
My life almost flashed past me when this Malaysia bus ignored the traffic lights and beat it, just as my bus was cutting across its path. My bus driver started honking him before we got into the junction, but that pea brainer still inched his bus forward(towards the causeway) and continued driver.
My driver didn’t seem like he was going to stop and he just kept honking and honking, and the other stupid bus just kept driving and driving.
Finally the bus driver gave him a long honk and the other driver braked hard, before we breezed past him at close proximity.
I was thinking 2 things: 1) Will the bus slam to the side of my bus first? Or 2) Will my bus crash head-on with it?
I saw my position and I just thought there would be no difference since I would be the first to get hit either way. Hahahaha.
I actually thought it would be awfully funny and didn’t seem to think about the dangerous aspect of it.
Ah well.
***
I know this is totally minor, and I shouldn’t even be mentioning about this.
I was feeling damn totally hungry after collecting my glasses. I went to every restaurant at City Square, and the moment I went near to the shop, they turned the CLOSED sign over.
It was 9.30pm, so it was no wonder. But even those close at 10pm ones told me their last order was just over.
Gr..
So when I was at Kranji MRT, I thought I would get the hugely advertised 3 pastries for $2.50 deal. I saw this nice croissant egg mayonnaise with ham which I wanted to make it my dinner and perhaps get 2 other buns.
I went in and then I let this girl to go before me.
I saw her took one of the croissant, and then I wanted to take the next one.
To my horror, that bitch took the next one, which was the last one.
I rolled my eyes, and just put the tray and tongs back and walked away, hungry.
***
I had no choice but to walk to the nearby coffeeshop after I alighted.
My headache and new glasses made the walk a dread.
It was a bigger dread when I was waiting for the lights to turn green for the pedestrians, and I saw a flying cockroach flying to my direction.
I honestly was going to run and scream onto the road with approaching traffic(cos stupid lights didn’t change) as I dodged the flying beast.
I actually ran out to the road and saw the traffic and ran back in.
I think it would be hilarious if the newspaper report how a girl is killed when dodging flying cockroach.
I think I owe my life to this foreign worker who came up and looked absolutely concern, asking what was it that scared me so much(maybe he thought 7th month).
Flying cockroach, I said, traumatised.
He looked at the direction where it flew to(it was flying away but seemed to fly back to taunt me) and then gave me the all clear when I finally sprinted across the road when the lights finally turned to my advantage.
I decided to head home from HarborFront after yet another day of traveling with Brian.
If I can collect MilesPoints(you know, like SIA’s KrisFlyer) on his bike, I probably could earn enough ‘miles’ to transport me to the Caribbean or something.
He dropped me off, and I stood in the middle of the platform not knowing where to head.
I just went into a complete daze, before I finally realised there was only one train since it was the last stop and I had conveniently missed it cos I was waiting at the other platform, where there were no trains in services.
Had wanted to meet up with the girlies since I wasn’t too far away, and yet I know what inside me just shrunk back into my very cosy shell, and I took the train of the opposite platform and returned home.
I thought of getting home before midnight for once in a long while, and just save on the cab costs.
Not a good idea cos I succumbed to McDee’s anyway.
The day seemed to end with a good note with all details finalised, confirmed, and my costumes are finally in full gear production. I think it is no mean feat to have costumes finalised less than a week from event day. Happy!
I think Brian nearly wanna smack me cos at one point I told him I was going to cry cos a couple of girls I like a lot got rejected. It must be the hormones baby. It was even worst when he tried to ‘make me happy’ as he bitched to me about someone we didn’t quite fancy and what had happened to the said someone. I looked at him blankly and actually said, “I feel bad for XXX… Why would I be happy about it?”
So yeah. My mood hovered for the entire day.
Okay fine. I can’t wait to get my bitchy vibes back so I could say something absolutely sarcastic about the said someone’s predicament.
I got back by 8 plus and Dad had originally planned to pick me up at 10pm, which we changed the arrangement to tomorrow instead.
I had a busy train ride back as I was set into a frenzy yet again.
A dear friend of mine who would be working for Comex told me she got scalded by an iron(okay hot irons don’t bring back particularly good memories), and it looked quite bad and it must have been painful.
But it would also mean I might need someone to be on standby… and then it was a couple of phonecalls to get opinions from fellow partners…
I was exhausted when the train ride ended, but it was well-occupied that I didn’t even feel the time on the train was enough.
Took a nice, long shower, did the laundry and I switched on the vacuum cleaner in a bid to loosen up.
The night was slow and quiet, until I was irked by the fact that Mum called and told me how Dad(what?! His turn?!) is pretty worried to leave baby with me when they are leaving for KL in 2 weeks’ time.
They think I am clumsy and too muddle-headed(hello?! Then how? Separate my daughter from me forever and permanently huh?!).
To be fair, I might look a bit octopus-ly sometimes, but then the truth is, I feel that I manage with ease.
In fact I never thought it is a hassle, it is difficult nor it is frustrating to bring her out, carry her or manage with all the heavy stuff. Though the aches that set in thereafter when she goes back to my parents would remind me otherwise. Hahaha.
But oh well.
She is becoming really smart, though my parents get overly worried whenever she stands by the cot and holds the phone with 2 hands. She would do the “look, grandma, no hands!” stunt, and my parents will make sure she sits down so she wouldn’t fall.
I told my Mum, “look, she is trying to learn to stand, why are you guys compromising her learning process?”
You see, this is the exact reaction that gets my parents panicky. They just think I am not concerned, and that I am… irrational(also because I brought her out to JD’s house last weekend when it was drizzling).
………..
So she said, “How could you think that way? She is still young you know? You didn’t stand to try to walk until you are more than a year old, and she is only 8 months!”
………..
I suddenly thought of a friend and a very real urge to abduct Minibean and suddenly just fly to an unknown location to start life afresh overwhelmed me.
And I really do mean buy a pair of tickets, board the plane, and just.. leave a note, and an email address.
***
We lost our ways in Vivocity today when we went to get our banking done(The carpark.. Grrr…).
We lost our ways again when we got to Alexandra Road.
We went down to Wenmei’s office, and he(yes, the chauvinistic one) made me go put on makeup just in case we bumped into her colleagues. He is all about vanity and image, whilst I am all for natural and comfort.
All in all, I still have some headaches to settle and what did I say about sleepless nights till event is over…?
***
I am just glad to drift off a bit whilst watching television.. and woke up to find enough energy within to blog.
***
Mouth ulcers could be a complete spoilsport for some hot loving. Tsk.
I think he quite like what I had came up with for the event girls. Cough cough.
It was raining heavily early this morning, and as he woke me briefly when he monopolised the bed and blanket… he compensated it when he rolled behind me and just locked me under his arms as he cuddled me from behind.
I tried to kiss him on his forehead and the stinging ulcer was just.. a hinder.
I snuggled under him so that I could have more space to squeeze myself into before I plastered myself at the side of the cot.
He jumped onto the bed early to wake me up, repeatedly saying “Good morning!” in ridiculously annoyingly chirpy high-pitch, littered my face with kisses so I would just stop lazing in bed.
I like the feeling of me under the duvet and being embraced like I am a springroll.
***
I haven’t blogged about Minibean’s last week with Mummy. *Beams happily*
It was an incredible weekend, and I absolutely loved it.
It started out as a fabulous rainy morning with Dad bringing her out to me, and the 3 of us headed to Jurong Point for lunch.
She saw me when I got on the car and she couldn’t stop laughing and smiling.
I didn’t want to carry her so she would get used to the child’s seat.
It was so great to see her again.
Lunch was at Crystal Jade, and I put her in a baby seat for the first time.
Another milestone!
She was trying to wriggle her way out by slouching. Tsk. Don’t end up like Mummy, who slouched at the grand old age of 2.
I had my hands busy keeping her hands off the food and table. Heh.
But I love, love, love it that we could spend the lovely afternoon as a family.
The only way to keep her hands off the table, is to amuse her with the camera cover, which she had relentlessly tried to make it her lunch.
And I love it when she clings onto me… Aww…
She was hungry and I fed her before we went over to Auntie JD’s, where Auntie FF and Auntie JD were waiting for a game of mahjong.
She fell asleep on the journey.. and she was still clinging on to me.
Love you, baby.
Uncle Martin was there, and we were trying to find out if Minibean has a fear for heights since he is so tall. Laughs.
The girlies! Baby you should grow up fast and be the 4th leg!
Though I was waiting for them to start, no one quite want to leave baby alone, so we ended up waiting for the very-nice-someone to reach.
In the meantime, we spent quality time with Minibean.
She loved the attention!
I like this picture
With Mummy.
She got her hand on a lighter and when she heard the doggy barked, instead of being afraid, she crawled towards it!
Cash the Westie was a tad too eager, so Minibean didn’t manage to get upclose and personal with it. I would love to have the 2 of them play together.
Though I am sure my parents would likely to abduct her and leave for some unknown location, leaving only an email address behind so she would safe away from me if they find out.
This lass is growing up to be scarily like her dad.
She is still as drooly like me though.
She is always amused by handphones. Auntie FF carried her and sang nursery rhymes until she fell asleep so she could get back her phone. Hahaha.
We managed to play half a game of mahjong as she napped for more than an hour, before I had to leave for an event.
And yes, I brought her along for work. *GRIN*
Ladies and Gentlemen…..
I brought Minibean to…. ZOUK! *Gasp!*
I had 4 very lovely ladies with me, and it was great joy working with Felicia again after all these while.
I wanted to take a picture with them, so I got my ‘babysitter’ for the night to hold the feeding baby and take picture at the same time.
Hahaha.
Surprisingly, he did a very good job, and I was honestly impressed.
Rebecca, Cordelia, me and Cindy.
Me and my babysitter for the night before the event started!
The girlies!
The girlies with me!
The girlies with me and Minibean!
Me and Cordelia! I hadn’t seen the girlie since…….. since…. I was pregnant.
In fact I will never forget the night I last saw her.
It was supposed to be the night before the scheduled operation.
The operation didn’t happen, and look what happened!
Minibean starts young and wants to be one of the flyer-girl too.
Though I believe my parents would really keep her away from me, if they see the cigarette behind her ear. Mischief of the babysitter.
And then.. as the girls got down to work…. Mummy brought Minibean into Zouk!
At the ticket counter.
At the entrance.
Oh, that is the new bag I bought that very day at Jurong Point so I could put her inside and wouldn’t need a sling.
We went Phuture too.
And….
The dancefloor!
Uncle Henry was there too.
This is an incredibly cute picture.
Uncle Henry, Minibean and Mummy.
As I made trips in and out to see how the event was going, Brian was carrying Minibean most of the time.
The devastating part of the evening came when Minibean was refused entry when Brian tried to sign her in to Velvet Underground.
The audacity! How could they!
“Velvet Underground, up yours!” says Minibean. On a side note, it is so cute how she had held it up and pose with Brian’s membercard as I tried to take a photograph of her after she was denied entry.
Apparently, it went like this.
“You are not thinking of bringing her in, are you?” said the lady at the counter.
“Can I? Can I sign her in?” Brian cheekily asked.
“You could leave her here though,” replied the lady with a smile.
***
Roy, Meiling, baby and I outside Zouk.
I went in to check on the girls, and speak to Felicia, and by the time I came out…
She had comfortably fell asleep in the babysitter’s arms(photograph courtesy of Cordelia).
We left her in the pram, at the side(which attracted a fair bit of attention) with the girls and checked out the action for a brief while.
I am amazed with my brilliant framing.
Roy, Meiling Brian and I inside Zouk.
Brian and I left for Copthorne’s cafeteria with a soundly-sleeping Minibean whilst waiting for the girls to finish by 12 midnight.
When she woke up, Brian carried her, and she pooped.
When I brought her to change, she had tried to kick her own poo, and pull up her diapers.
I was trying hard to hold her 4 limbs together so she wouldn’t end up eating her own poo.
She pooped? She pooped!
My new maid. Hehehehehe.
The lovely Cindy with us. The poor lass is injured and get well soon babe! Love from Baby and me.
I am not sure what Brian was trying to do to my baby. Brian likes to boast about how he has superb talents taking girls’ pants off……..
At 10 minutes past 12, the girls came over to meet us briefly. Roy and Meiling joined us, and the evil Mummy was amused when she tried to feed Minibean with the lemon from Brian’s drink.
Her expression was damn cute lah.
If my parents see this, I think they would apply for restraining order.
And do not, I repeat, DO NOT believe every single word said in the video. Hahaha.
The babysitter seemed to find a new pet in her, and threw her into the sky, and amazingly, it kept her very happy.
She even started jumping on her own!
Before I know it, she would be going to Mambo without me.
We left for Thomson Medical Centre thereafter, with me and Meiling in the cab.
Minibean seems really happy to see Baby Axl. Look at how tight her grips are.
Uncle Marshall couldn’t resist carrying her too. They seemed to be communicating when one whimpered a little, the other followed suit. Axl was hungry while Minibean was tired.
Absolute cuteness.
When Marshall carried her, she started to whimper a little, and Brian tried to carry her, she whimpered too. When I walked over, she opened her arms to me, and she just leaned her head close to me.
Yet she was utterly happy when Brian put her on his bike.
And I think she has what it takes to be a biker chick. Dammit, I only had a vespa to pose with when I was her age.
She even likes ah-peh bike!
Like in Malaysia/Thailand, huh.
I think my parents would disown me after seeing these pictures. I brought her home, changed her, fed her, and cradled her in my arms and rocked her to sleep.
I had my leg in the air as I tried to lean over the cot to kiss her.
“Give her a BIG kiss for me. If you can reach that is” he SMSed.
I didn’t manage to reach. Not even for myself.
***
I fell asleep, very contendedly. It was a great night with the event going on smoothly. Sometimes, I wish all events could be like such.
Everyone did their job well, and everyone’s spirit was high. And of course, the fact that she was with me, helps.
She whimpered a little in her sleep, and though I wasn’t wearing my glasses, I took my camera to take a picture even though I was half asleep.
I kept her baby pillow with me, and it is next to me as I sleep. Got her Ruyi oil smell.
She tried waking me up, and I was still trying hard to get out of bed. Could barely open my eyes.
So yup, I didn’t manage to get more sleep.
She tried to crawl on top of me just to make sure I would give her some attention.
So I finally woke up to entertain her.
Her cheeky grin after she got her way.
Oh, remember how I said she loves label tags?
She loves the one from her blankie(which I purposely lie on top so she couldn’t pull it out.
She even loves the one from my nightie(!!!).
Look at her utter satisfaction upon discovering the ones from the pillow. Two somemore!
And it is strange what she does with them.
Brian saw this picture and insinuated that I did something in front of her and she saw it.
I can assure that what happened in his imagination never took place in reality(you are sick, Brian!).
Nick even did an emoticon with the picture!
And then it was time for my baby to head back to JB. She woke up only when she reached JB, and almost reaching home.
I took some pictures with her after she was changed into her PJs, before I made the lonely way home on a cold, drizzly Sunday night.
Mummy misses you so much already, darling.
And Mummy loves you very, very, very much.
It was a great weekend. And if only more are like such.
It was work stuff all the way till 1am, except with a small break in between when my partner stole a little time off to show me an eye-opener.
I am so exhausted now that I want to cry.
I can’t believe it that breaking bad news to girls can make me feel so depressed.
I hate to reject people.
I don’t really like to listen to clients’ mean comments that might not justify cos you know how fabulous these girls are in person.
I am still super tired. I have many bad news to deliver tomorrow and by not sleeping, it seems like the task will be faraway enough.
I checked through my schedule……
In between everything till next weekend, I am actually trying to find possible timings to fulfill my motherly duties.
And, they are fully booked.
And.. in the worst possible fashion….
It is kinda HILARIOUS. Especially listening to my partners, especially Mr Brian Lee, think that I don’t measure up to any of my girls.
I cheap. What to do.
So. Tomorrow meeting. Getting final confirmation. Getting one of my vendors’ costumes done and settled. Oh yes, contact makeup artiste. She said she would give me the number but she didn’t get back to me!!
I could possibly sneak off for a secret rendevous… a quickie in Malaysia.
I will get back soon enough to check on the other vendor’s costume on Saturday, make necessary changes…. Oh yes, finalising of price with suppliers.
Sunday will be the fitting for one of my clients. Phototaking to see how the models will turn out. *Gulp*
I hope all will be photogenic and as pretty as they look on pictures.
Pray everything will go on smoothly, and then Monday I would be collecting my costumes. Logos will be done, and then upon final confirmation, they would be etched on.
Oh yes, Monday would be the horrid day when I have to spend entire day back in office.
So if I can squeeze in a fitting on Monday evening, it will be fabulous, cos that would keep my Tuesday free for colouring of my hair. I am not vain, it is helping out my dearest Meiling(thank you dear for helping with the alteration!) for her upcoming hair show. I need to get colour done, cut… blarblar.
So yes. Wednesday will be rehearsals.
And then.. uhm…. fret over the last minute preparations, and I will start to lose sleep and find it difficult to breathe through the night. I might even break down and cry in anxiety.
Cos…. THURSDAY IS THE FREAKING DAY!!!
I will make sure makeup artiste turn up in time, and my girls turn up in time and then blarblarblar.. and then Friday I will start to fret for different reasons and let my self esteem consume me and then Saturday I will sashay down the stage for the hair show and then Sunday I will be back at the exhibition and look totally silly and then and then and then….
Can I like fast forward one week already?
My hands are coldsweating as I type this lor!!!
***
Pictures from yesterday’s event.
And then I bumped into Selene…
And the very obligatory picture of the Bentley:
***
And speaking about Brian’s little escapade this afternoon..
We went to Far East with work in mind, and then…
He got a shave.
And he also has a hole in his sock.
My first experience at watching a tattoo done live.
And what others had said about the sound and the look of the needles would scare you?
Utter bullocks.
I was so bored from the sound… and they actually sounded kinda lullaby-ish. And uhm, I actually kicked into someone’s head. A lady who was having her right lower back, bum and thigh tattooed.
So terribly sorry whoever you are.
And…
A very pale-looking Brian.
I took a picture of him biting his nail, and he deleted it without my permission when I had specifically told him not to delete any of my pictures.
I got so utterly pissed that I just ignored him for being rude.
So, he tried to appease me by posing for a totally no-feel finger-in-mouth picture to make up for the one he deleted. Chey.
Whilst I was waiting, I got acquainted with this awfully adorable dog, who nuzzled me when I tried to take a picture with it.
And seriously, it is so hard to make out where its features are.
Finally, it was done.
Look at it from different sides…
And the tattoo costs a hefty $400. Somebody silly out there has a very empty bank account.
All in all, it was a great experience and I was thoroughly amused and intrigued throughout…
Hmm……
So. After all the work-related stuff today, I am rightfully entitled to a bit of hot loving tonight.
I tried the colorgenics thingy from JD’s blog, and…. it was a true reflection of what I had just spoken to someone in a long talk just before I got home at past midnight.
“The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that ‘the wrong word’ can lead you to tears. You feel other people’s pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.
Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.
You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don’t like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.
It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial ‘you’ is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.”
Uhm…. what can I say beside the fact that it is absolutely creeeeeeeeepppppeeeeeey.
***
Today has been yet another hectic one. It didn’t kick off to the right start and I was terribly upset by what could have been miscommunication or just… a rather meetup with someone recently, and it could lead to unnecessary bad feelings or misunderstandings.
I already stated I wish to have no part in that aspect because.. simply because.
And I honestly have no idea what others would be thinking about it. It eventually brought forth a lot of unhappiness within myself which I just… took it out on people around me(only Brian la, since he was the first to meet me about work today) because I had no wish to be told what to do, which I would already anticipate what he would say.
I have no balance, and I know that.
So much so that I had insomnia last night again. Grr…
We rushed down from Far East for casting, before we rushed off for the Breitling for Bentley launch at Millenia Walk.
And that was when my past haunt me when I bumped into this guy who eventually became a teacher, and was there with his wife.
I would never forget that phase of my life, where I gullible took in whatever lies a guy can smother me with.
And Jiali, if you are reading this, you would have a very good idea who he is. Haha.
Of course, my esteem would never bring me far enough to go up to him to ask him if it was indeed him, and why he has put on so much weight.
And coincidentally, I bumped into Selene, whom I knew through him at the same event.
How small can the world be?
I even bumped into the very nice Ohlins(from the biking group last time)… which of course brought back lotsa memories too.
Problems with me is, memories bring me further in to my shell. I wish someday I could just proudly stand with my head high, and recognise the fact that I, am no longer haunt by the past, and my esteem would not be affected anymore.
I know I have esteem issues. And no, I am not ready to hear what you guys have to say about it.
***
Had dinner at Burger King before we went on separate ways.
Brian just had to bring up the issues at the hot and humid carpark, before I had to shoo him off to a petrol kiosk or something where we could grab a drink or some sort.
We sat by the petrol kiosk at Balestier to iron out some work issues before going on separate ways.
***
Yesterday was equally unadventurous, though it did become more productive even though I just stayed home and did whatever co-ordination I could.
Now, more or less everything is settled, and if everything goes as smoothly as planned, it would be a sigh of relief till event day.
I… dread…. event… day.
Anyway, we went out to have dinner with birthday girl Tracy last night, before we adjourned for drinks at Grapevine again.
Max says my boobs damn small and I agree with him.
I woke up today with no clothes I would want to wear. I wear baggy clothes cos of flabby, untoned tummy, and to hide the flatness.
In fact, I realised why I don’t dress up anymore. Cos my esteem just doesn’t bring me far enough, and I would just dress down and casual so no one has things to say.
“I am a mother of one,” is a great excuse when they comment I look like an absolute auntie.
I looked at the clothes and dresses I used to wear, and honestly, I had tears in my eyes cos I feel THAT lousy.
I have been doing a lot of running around in the past few days.
And given the choice, I would very much love to stay home and soak up all the cosiness in my bed and do a little housekeeping before the retreat becomes unfit for humans to live in.
I doubt that would actually take flight, but ah well.
I met up with Brian yesterday, and went around Orchard yesterday afternoon to run errands. We stopped by the bank, before having lunch at Cream Bistro.
Finally our mission started and we shopped around Far East the entire afternoon, before we finally managed to find what I want for an event.
A trip with him to his tattoo shop did make me very tempted too.
Just as we stopped by one of the shops at the top floor to purchase a drink.. the thing I would never expect happen, happened.
A lady was waiting for a drink was looking at me, smiling, before she finally asked. “You were the one on tv, aren’t you?”
!!!!!!!
I was wondering could she have gotten the wrong person, before she continued, “Shoot 3, right?”
Uh oh. Right person.
I giggled nervously and nodded, “Oh.. yah.. that was.. me.”
She made small conversations and asked where my daughter is, and how she is. Instead of feeling intrusive, it actually me feel kinda warm and fuzzy… though it really did freak me out cos I never thought any one would ever… like recognise.
She said I look better in person and I am slim and I should be a model. Muahahaha. But I so shy.
She saw Brian and gave me a raise of brows, before I laughed and said, “My co worker”
I had my bubble tea with my head bowed and had to bear with the jibes from Brian thereafter. Tsk.
I rushed back to my insurance company office at around 7pm, before leaving at 8 plus.
I waited darn long for a bus yet I got off the wrong stop and walked a freaking long distance to Sim Lim. Grr…
I met up with Brian and Roy, and we bumped into Shulin.
All of us then headed to Upper Serangoon Gardens for supper/drinks as I hopped on for a lift in Shulin’s car.
There was a nice little corner at Grapevine though the services really sucked. They seemed to be short-staffed, and services were really, really, really slow.
Drinks and food are not bad though and prices are pretty reasonable enough.
Cab fare back wasn’t that exorbitant and it was quite alright actually.
Nice night to chill though I was really, really tired.
Now, I can’t really get back to sleep after waking up, and yet I could feel the energy slowly seeping away.
This is not going to be a short post, and neither is it gonna be anything exciting. Just bear with me as I have to purge whatever I have within.
***
I had 2 phone calls with Minibean today. 2 long conversations where she gurgled and made all sorts of sounds to as if to mimic a conversation with me.
She melts my heart.
***
When I sat up, he playfully sat on my laps, sometimes leaning in to pull me towards him as I dwell on.
I know as I was feeling pretty sucky, he was put into a not-so uplifted mood too.
I had wanted to cheer him up so we ended up having supper. I am happy to find chicken baked rice in the midnight menu.
Somehow, we ended up saying sorry to each other.
I laid down on the concrete floor, with my head on his lap, feeling tired. I remember feeling tired.
But I remember how nice it was not to think of anything.
Yet, it was kinda interesting as we talked, and I realised just how scary men can be. Then again, in the same window of time, I realised the same thing about women, too.
In different ways, but nonetheless scary.
***
It has been quite an emotional couple of days for me, for many reasons I know not of.
I teared when I looked into the mirror, I teared when I thought back about my labour, I teared when I think about work, I teared when I think of her, I teared when I read blogs, and I teared at ANYTHING.
Don’t try to convince me it is PMS. It is still a little far from it.
***
I reached home in the drizzle, holding a hot cup of tea throughout my journey. It must be some kind of joke when the bus in front had some kind of baby ads, and the radio station was having some experts to talk about expecting mothers who take a lot of junk food.
I was tired. It was almost 11am, and yet, I was wide awake throughout until I felt such extreme fatigue, and then I fell asleep AFTER I finished all the necessary paper work, and speaking to SBB on the phone(he had to endure a very incoherent me.
But yet, it was… such a night.
It was a night I re-lived the most life-changing day of my life.
Fuck! I am tearing up again.
***
I realised I have yet to blog about the day I went into labour. Problem about me is, I always leave those memorable posts till later dates cos there is simply so much to blog about and I just don’t want to miss any of them.
End up, you don’t see any of my past year’s birthday post, new year, and such and yes, the day when I went through the excruciating pain of having my pot pot snipped(then again, I didn’t even feel the pain from the pot pot cos the contractions killed me), with VampTreSS by my side.
If you ask me again, I will not hesitate to tell you. If circumstances were different, if times are forwarded, I will really want a child again.
In fact, when people say they are addicted to childbirth, I can honestly understand why.
And if you ask me again, yes, I will still refuse epidural(stop staring at me and calling me a weirdo!).
I can’t believe that I didn’t even allow myself to cry when I cradled her in my arms, as she suckled me(very near to it, I tell you. It was just overwhelming…).
I felt such a strong need to be the strong one for her, that, I held back.
I made silly jokes, spoke candidly about the process(it was in my opinion, quite drama) and was hyper throughout the day, just so I could block out the emotions and I could indulge in the happiness of it, only.
***
That aside.
The sense of touch, caresses from the lips, and a nice massage for each other set us into the pace to falling asleep after he came over, greeting me with a tight embrace which I sorely needed.
***
I woke up on Thursday, feeling slightly better with my dose of comfort right beside me.
He sent me to work.
My big boss had wanted to have an one-to-one with me and my manager, and we all knew it wasn’t to be any good news.
Anyway, it isn’t something I would like to talk about.
Coincidentally, I need to head to Bugis to meet Brian to talk about some stuff, and a colleague of mine was heading there as well and gave me a lift.
I shopped round whilst I waited for him, and got myself a knitted dress which feels comfortable enough even for a casual night out.
We sat by and did some planning and designing work. Much changes(anything you can think of!) have been changed by our clients and seeing how time is running short.. I am really feeling quite drained.
I couldn’t wait to head home, and finally did, and got down to do some work.
***
It was late when I finally did get the stuff done up.
I wanted to send to Brian for amendments, only to know that Marshall’s wife was hospitalised and they would be inducing her birth.
It was 3am, and yet I know-not-what excitement brought me down to Thomson Medical to join the guys for drinks at the sidewalks, and just talking the night away, with Marshall checking on his wife on and off.
She didn’t quite feel any extreme pain though the contractions started around 2am.
I was about to leave at 6am when the midnight charge would not be applicable anymore.
We stayed on a little more when we spoke hilariously about how Marshall’s baby might be a Cassanova, just like the daddy, and he even suggested that I should bring Minibean down so baby Axel would receive some loving at a tender age of 1 day-old.
It was then, just as we about to leave, when a panicky Marshall received a message that the doctor pricked the water bag, and his wife was in excruciating pain.
Since then, Marshall was a changed man.
Hahahahaha. He was totally lost, and had a perpetual look of bewilderment as he paced up and down, not knowing what to do.
Since water bag burst, we expected the baby to come out really soon, and we stayed on.
Marshall called and then he sounded totally helpless, saying how painful she was and he could do nothing to help.
Just as I was waiting for him outside the delivery ward, I decided to check out those baby pictures.
A petite man was standing right next to me, and his wife was just pushed into the operating theatre.
I struck up a conversation, since I heard the doctor saying something about it was their 2nd child, and blarblarblar.
I suddenly asked if he was from the media industry, out of nowhere.
“Do you find me familiar or something? Cos I do find you very familiar,” was his respond.
“Yes! Exactly, but I didn’t think you might find me familiar, so I was trying to establish where I met you before.”
He said he works in TP, though he was in the media line before. More of creative, advertising.
I tried to think through the events I did, but he wasn’t anyone of them.
I thought it might be that he used to frequent the bistro I used to work(you see, there were many media companies nearby too), but yet, the addresses proved otherwise.
“Did you do a corporate video for a chemical company before?” I asked, as I thought back through.
“Nope.. I only did one for XXX”
“Ads for HDB?” I asked.
“OH YES! I did.”
Suddenly, I remembered.
“OH OH! You ride a bike, don’t you?” I jumped up and down when I could finally piece it together(you see, when you finally figure out, it is such a sense of accomplishment, okay!).
“Yes I do!” as he got closer to the truth.
“Remember Sembawang? Woodlands? Yishun? It was raining!”
“Oh you were the model!! I remember!!”
That was 2004, April, I pointed out. Azhar!
I think he almost freaked out by my memory.
And of all places, I met him outside a delivery ward where there was only 2 people.
The pictures were used in catalogue, posters, and the HDB website some time back. It was my first production, and it was one I learnt a lot from.
It was a great perk to the start of the day, and kept me awake.
It wasn’t long before he was called into the theatre, and I joined Brian who was waiting on a bench. Marshall came join us, looking all lost and worried.
The doctor suggested a C-section because baby Axel crapped inside.
He sounded so totally lost, and Brian, who was almost asleep, was lost together with him.
You should have seen the 2 of their looks. Priceless.
I decided to go buy some coffee for them, when I messaged JD.
As I was walking up, I received a message from Brian asking where I was.
I went up, not seeing them outside the ward, I saw them just outside the delivery room.
I walked in to see 2 totally lost boys standing around this crying little thing, screaming his lungs out, and the 2 boys looked… amused, and captivated.<
In Potato’s words, “She looks like someone just farted in her face.”
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