This is not going to be a short post, and neither is it gonna be anything exciting. Just bear with me as I have to purge whatever I have within.

***

I had 2 phone calls with Minibean today. 2 long conversations where she gurgled and made all sorts of sounds to as if to mimic a conversation with me.

She melts my heart.

***

When I sat up, he playfully sat on my laps, sometimes leaning in to pull me towards him as I dwell on.

I know as I was feeling pretty sucky, he was put into a not-so uplifted mood too.

I had wanted to cheer him up so we ended up having supper. I am happy to find chicken baked rice in the midnight menu.

Somehow, we ended up saying sorry to each other.
I laid down on the concrete floor, with my head on his lap, feeling tired. I remember feeling tired.

But I remember how nice it was not to think of anything.
Yet, it was kinda interesting as we talked, and I realised just how scary men can be. Then again, in the same window of time, I realised the same thing about women, too.

In different ways, but nonetheless scary.

***

It has been quite an emotional couple of days for me, for many reasons I know not of.

I teared when I looked into the mirror, I teared when I thought back about my labour, I teared when I think about work, I teared when I think of her, I teared when I read blogs, and I teared at ANYTHING.

Don’t try to convince me it is PMS. It is still a little far from it.

***

I reached home in the drizzle, holding a hot cup of tea throughout my journey. It must be some kind of joke when the bus in front had some kind of baby ads, and the radio station was having some experts to talk about expecting mothers who take a lot of junk food.

I was tired. It was almost 11am, and yet, I was wide awake throughout until I felt such extreme fatigue, and then I fell asleep AFTER I finished all the necessary paper work, and speaking to SBB on the phone(he had to endure a very incoherent me.

But yet, it was… such a night.

It was a night I re-lived the most life-changing day of my life.

Fuck! I am tearing up again.

***

I realised I have yet to blog about the day I went into labour. Problem about me is, I always leave those memorable posts till later dates cos there is simply so much to blog about and I just don’t want to miss any of them.

End up, you don’t see any of my past year’s birthday post, new year, and such and yes, the day when I went through the excruciating pain of having my pot pot snipped(then again, I didn’t even feel the pain from the pot pot cos the contractions killed me), with VampTreSS by my side.

If you ask me again, I will not hesitate to tell you. If circumstances were different, if times are forwarded, I will really want a child again.

In fact, when people say they are addicted to childbirth, I can honestly understand why.

And if you ask me again, yes, I will still refuse epidural(stop staring at me and calling me a weirdo!).

I can’t believe that I didn’t even allow myself to cry when I cradled her in my arms, as she suckled me(very near to it, I tell you. It was just overwhelming…).

I felt such a strong need to be the strong one for her, that, I held back.

I made silly jokes, spoke candidly about the process(it was in my opinion, quite drama) and was hyper throughout the day, just so I could block out the emotions and I could indulge in the happiness of it, only.

***

That aside.

The sense of touch, caresses from the lips, and a nice massage for each other set us into the pace to falling asleep after he came over, greeting me with a tight embrace which I sorely needed.

***

I woke up on Thursday, feeling slightly better with my dose of comfort right beside me.

He sent me to work.

My big boss had wanted to have an one-to-one with me and my manager, and we all knew it wasn’t to be any good news.

Anyway, it isn’t something I would like to talk about.

Coincidentally, I need to head to Bugis to meet Brian to talk about some stuff, and a colleague of mine was heading there as well and gave me a lift.

I shopped round whilst I waited for him, and got myself a knitted dress which feels comfortable enough even for a casual night out.

We sat by and did some planning and designing work. Much changes(anything you can think of!) have been changed by our clients and seeing how time is running short.. I am really feeling quite drained.

I couldn’t wait to head home, and finally did, and got down to do some work.

***

It was late when I finally did get the stuff done up.

I wanted to send to Brian for amendments, only to know that Marshall’s wife was hospitalised and they would be inducing her birth.

It was 3am, and yet I know-not-what excitement brought me down to Thomson Medical to join the guys for drinks at the sidewalks, and just talking the night away, with Marshall checking on his wife on and off.

She didn’t quite feel any extreme pain though the contractions started around 2am.

I was about to leave at 6am when the midnight charge would not be applicable anymore.

We stayed on a little more when we spoke hilariously about how Marshall’s baby might be a Cassanova, just like the daddy, and he even suggested that I should bring Minibean down so baby Axel would receive some loving at a tender age of 1 day-old.

It was then, just as we about to leave, when a panicky Marshall received a message that the doctor pricked the water bag, and his wife was in excruciating pain.

Since then, Marshall was a changed man.

Hahahahaha. He was totally lost, and had a perpetual look of bewilderment as he paced up and down, not knowing what to do.

Since water bag burst, we expected the baby to come out really soon, and we stayed on.

Marshall called and then he sounded totally helpless, saying how painful she was and he could do nothing to help.

Just as I was waiting for him outside the delivery ward, I decided to check out those baby pictures.

A petite man was standing right next to me, and his wife was just pushed into the operating theatre.

I struck up a conversation, since I heard the doctor saying something about it was their 2nd child, and blarblarblar.

I suddenly asked if he was from the media industry, out of nowhere.

“Do you find me familiar or something? Cos I do find you very familiar,” was his respond.

“Yes! Exactly, but I didn’t think you might find me familiar, so I was trying to establish where I met you before.”

He said he works in TP, though he was in the media line before. More of creative, advertising.

I tried to think through the events I did, but he wasn’t anyone of them.

I thought it might be that he used to frequent the bistro I used to work(you see, there were many media companies nearby too), but yet, the addresses proved otherwise.

“Did you do a corporate video for a chemical company before?” I asked, as I thought back through.

“Nope.. I only did one for XXX”

“Ads for HDB?” I asked.

“OH YES! I did.”

Suddenly, I remembered.

“OH OH! You ride a bike, don’t you?” I jumped up and down when I could finally piece it together(you see, when you finally figure out, it is such a sense of accomplishment, okay!).

“Yes I do!” as he got closer to the truth.

“Remember Sembawang? Woodlands? Yishun? It was raining!”

“Oh you were the model!! I remember!!”

That was 2004, April, I pointed out. Azhar!

I think he almost freaked out by my memory.

And of all places, I met him outside a delivery ward where there was only 2 people.

The pictures were used in catalogue, posters, and the HDB website some time back. It was my first production, and it was one I learnt a lot from.

It was a great perk to the start of the day, and kept me awake.

It wasn’t long before he was called into the theatre, and I joined Brian who was waiting on a bench. Marshall came join us, looking all lost and worried.

The doctor suggested a C-section because baby Axel crapped inside.

He sounded so totally lost, and Brian, who was almost asleep, was lost together with him.

You should have seen the 2 of their looks. Priceless.

I decided to go buy some coffee for them, when I messaged JD.

As I was walking up, I received a message from Brian asking where I was.

I went up, not seeing them outside the ward, I saw them just outside the delivery room.

I walked in to see 2 totally lost boys standing around this crying little thing, screaming his lungs out, and the 2 boys looked… amused, and captivated.

Awww…. welcome to earth, baby Axel, Minibean’s soon-to-be boy toy.

His balls were red, and he was crying as he was weighed, warmed, and measured.

He was borned at 7.58am, and I joked he should be out 9 minutes earlier so his fate with Minibean would be further sealed.

The little lovely thing made me smile incessantly as I gurgled and cooed at the beauty of a newborn.

Marshall stood there stoned, lost, and muttered, “This is my son…. I want to cry.”

And cry, he did.

I wanted to do so too. It felt all too familiar.

Though they did things a little differently here as compared to NUH, possibly because she went to C-section, and back then Minibean was in the warmer in the room, rather than be outside, along the corridor.

Brian and I stood there and cooed at the baby for a while before we were being chased out.

We waited for quite a long while before the mother was sent back to a resting ward, and baby was pushed into the room.

Brian started going on and on about how baby was like so fragile and a mush of fragile little thing. “He is all purple!” he exclaimed. “The nurse handled the baby like he was a piece of meat!”

When we met up with Marshall, he had a sip of coffee and commented it tasted like Louis 13 to him.

He was wide awake and speaking of how we would not understand the feeling of becoming a parent, and seeing your baby born…

I stared at him and went… “HELLO? I saw it coming out of my pot pot, okay? And I mother! I understand!”

He was simply, in awe of the entire experience and I could see the mix of emotions in him, as he rewatched the clips, viewed the pictures, and spoke of the twist and turns of his feelings.

Suddenly it felt like 2 big boys at a fun fair for the first time.

We stopped by the ward when the wife was pushed out.

Apparently, she commented how she wondered how I did so without epidural cos her immense pain was for half an hour before she went into the operating theatre. It was only after baby was delivered safely that the doctor let known that the umbilical cord was tangled round his neck.

We joked he is already living on the edge on the first day of his life, making an impact.

Ai yah, sheesh, I forgot to bring my camera out. How could I!! And their camera was running out of battery(!!).

It is almost interesting observing the 2 panicky boys’ reaction to the new little thing. Brian excitedly wanted to be the god-father of the child, as we crowded in the ward with the entourage of family members. The 2 panicky big boys were making suggestive jokes at the expense of the babies, and how to train baby Axel to be the next big flirt.

Marshall makes it a mission to make sure his boy would have a trail of female classmates following behind him.

I told him there is no chance Minibean would be in same class, cos she ain’t a follower. The only possibility is how she would be walking in front, the class of boys following behind, and he is one of them with an entourage behind him.

Ahem. My baby hard to get, okay!

Marshall’s mum even asked me if my baby looks like me or daddy. Daddy, I said. And I felt so proud when the mum says if baby have my eyes, they would be big and pretty. I was wearing glasses okay, and the beauty of my very tired eyes was… ahem, unstoppable. Muahahaha.

My mission?

Making Minibean the master of all flirt-tamers.

Hurhurhur.

Roar!! Baby, Roar!!

***

Looking at the 2 guys, and waiting throughout the night with the anticipation… reminded me of the agony I put everyone through with a morning baby!

Sorry guys, it must be really hard on you guys!! Hahaha.

And I could now finally understand the joy and little silly grins you guys had when you all first saw the tongue-spitting Minibean.

To be the first to see the freshly-out-of-you-know-where bundle of joy.. was an amazing feeling. Though he didn’t open his eyes to look at Auntie Ting.

At the same time, I suppressed many bouts of sudden surge of tears to the brim, as I re-lived the day, the experience again.

This time, I have 2 guys with me, and the previous time, the only guy whom I saw since I admitted, was my boss and the in-house trainee who stuck his fingers hard into my you-know-where to check my dilation.

But throughout the experience, it was an all-girls experience(I just realised!). Midwives, my gynaecologist, VampTreSS standing next to me grabbing my hand(her hands weren’t bruised or pinched like Marshall’s. I think I have great control), even after I was pushed out, I had 12 pretty ladies(thank you girlies) in the room, before Ryan reached with his wife and daughter to change the statistics.

With all the strengths of all these ladies, I believe Minibean is going to be one kick-ass chick.

But it was an indeed an eye-opening experience. I feel myself going through the whole mental-cycle, and thought of the what could-have-beens.

A simple thought of having just a guy right beside me. Not anything more.

I realise how the adrenalin and how I was determined to feel strong and little else kept me up that very day, and barely room for any soft, tender emotions.

I blocked them out 8 months ago, and I didn’t feel them, and I thought I didn’t have them.

8 months later, they haunt me, and it was like I feel it all over again… that little weakness that sept in, and seeing the sweetness when Marshall planted a kiss on her forehead… and all the happiness.

Mine was laced with uncertainty, and I couldn’t even have the time to reconcile with all the sensations, and all I could allow myself to feel, and to project, is one of strength, and liveliness.

I really wonder despite all those resentments towards fatherhood, I really wonder, just a curious thought, of how he would have reacted if he was one of the firsts to see her when she was fresh from my baby factory.

***

And I haven’t updated the day when she was out with me on the 5th and 6th.

We tried a new way of bringing her back home to me this time round.

I got Dad to drive her out, and I would wait for them at home, instead of Dad fetching me into Malaysia, and then fetching us out again.

She was absolutely cooperative and was quiet throughout the trip.

I was absolutely thrill to see many dearest again.

And just spending time with her, playing, and making her happy.

Besides her hair that was longer and messier, her activeness was her only change.

She was happy to see me!

And she brutally attacked every single paper-tag on the toys, so much so that I had to tear away 3 soaking wet ones, and they simply disintegrated in my hands.

Poor Elmo was utterly violated.

“No!! Stop grabbing my balls! Help!! Spare me!!”

She looks really happy with her conquest though. Heh.

The superlady fell into a deep nap just when I was about to bring her out.

I decided to wait for her to rest enough before bringing her out cos she might be grouchy.

I threw her her bolster and her little fingers started to move.. and to me, it was absolutely lovely moment.

I napped together with her, until she woke up with a ready smile to offer, like she always does.

I got her changed and she was moving around the cot, using one hand to hold the rails, as if to show off what she had learnt.

She brought so much smiles to me.

When I walked out of the room to get her milk, to get changed, she had separation anxiety and started bawling really badly.

Most mothers find it annoying, but it was a moment I was proud of, that she had wanted me, and yearned for me.

***

I brought her out to collect the invitation cards we printed, and took a cab to Sim Lim.

She has a birds’ nest on her head!

And she was happily heading out.We got to Sim Lim and met up with Uncle Roy, and went to his shop.

This trip back, we realised that her double eye-lid is finally showing!

Alas, only one side.

So pretty!

Of course, this little one knows her charm, and stuck her tongue out again, to show off a hint of dimple in her left cheek(mine! Mine!).

Inside Uncle Roy’s shop.

With Mummy.

She couldn’t keep her hands to herself and tried to de-rack the products.

Cheeky one.

It wasn’t long before Auntie JD called, and I walked her to Bugis, to meet Auntie JD for drinks.

She happily jumped up and down on Auntie JD’s laps, and started making funny faces at Mummy.

With Mummy!

We left and walked to Chijmes’ Hoggies to meet up with FF and Mr Right Now.

She crapped herself, and without baby wipes, it was major and extensive work to clean her up in the sink.

FF says Minibean has cellulite and has a fat ass and fat pot pot.

Since the evening was still early, the gambler Mummy suggested mahjong.

They looked at me in disbelief, but the plans still took flight.

Someone very nicely gave us a ride back to JD’s, and he even played babysitter as we played!

Uncle Ivan joined us to be the 4th leg, as the very nice someone tried his best to keep the little one entertained.

Mummy clipped her hair up, and she looks so girly here. Awww.

See the double eye-lid?

And she got a little grouchy, and was obvious it was her nap time. Auntie JD lulled her to sleep successfully after taking the job over from the slightly panicky very nice someone.

When she woke up, she was in a good mood, and smiled happily when Uncle Ivan carried her.

It was the first time she met Uncle Ivan, and she seemed a little intimidated by her in the beginning.

But of course, a nap is all it takes to perk her up.

She is already showing signs of the gift she was born with.

Hehe.

It was 10pm when her father called to say he would drop by, but I wasn’t home.

It was 12 midnight when I finally was done, and we headed home.

Yet he was out, and would only drop by thereafter.

I left her in the cot as I wanted to shower, and make her some milk.

But the moment I walked away from her sight, she would just burst out crying and that meant there was no way for me to have a long shower(I needed to wash my hair).

The wait got a little long, and Minibean was starting to turn quiet, and leaned against my chest and shoulder, ready to fade out.

Looking stoned whilst waiting for him..

I decided to message him to ask if he was indeed dropping by, cos she is just a baby and I couldn’t possibly keep her up to wait for him.

He reached 5 minutes later at 2 plus am, and I brought her down to meet him.

He carried her for a while, and she was glad with the company.

I paced in and out of the room to pack up her stuff, whilst leaving them alone to spend time together.

We took some pictures together, and she was smiley and co-operative.

I told him she was tired, and she would need to sleep soon. Since she always get a little cranky just before she sleeps, I would need him to watch over her whilst I took a shower.

By the time I got out, he was stuck in an awkward sitting position, with his arm trapped with her lying on top on him, peacefully asleep.

He pulled it out from underneath, careful not to wake up, as he animatedly told me what happened.

She was sat facing him, when she was looking around aimlessly. He tossed her her baby pillow and she swept her hand from side to side as if it didn’t quite appease her.

“Eh, why Charissa? You don’t want your baby pillow?”

She looked around, and at him, confused.

She then looked down at the pillow, picked it up, moved it onto his arm, hit it a few times.

And in that split second, she closed her eyes while sitting up, and toppled over right onto the pillow.

She was asleep. Just like that.

He laughed and kept commenting how cute she was as she just free-fall onto the pillow AFTER falling asleep while sitting up.

I placed her in the cot, and cos it was quite high, I was afraid I would I might drop her.

He kissed her goodnight.

I wanted to give her a goodnight kiss, but it was too high for me to bend over.

Candidly, he carried my knees and lifted me off the ground, so I could be dipped into the cot to kiss her goodnight. I stroked her hair, and we headed out to sit at the mahjong table for yet another long, therapeutic talk.

We adjourned to speak on the bed, back into the hall, and then just talk.

It was a good, nice, long talk.

We even spoke of topics like if we would ever be able to remain as friends if we are not romantically linked anymore.

As I leaned on his chest as we spoke in bed, I was looking at the sleeping Minibean, when I felt a surge of emotions of how I wasn’t able to give her the most.

As he was about to leave in the early hours, I was looking at him bending over the cot stroking her adoringly… and I started to tear uncontrollably.

“Why are you crying…?”

I denied.

As he walked me to the door, I held on tightly and teared.

He later asked, “Are you crying because you are sad she wouldn’t have a father as she grows up?”.

***

She started Monday quietly watching me sleep, kneeling next to the cot. She was waiting for me to open my eyes.

Once I did, she smiled and demanded attention.

She very smartly dismantled everything in sight, and even the baby fan became her choice of destruction.

She munched it after dismantling it.

I think her life-time ambition would be a FHM model with such poses.

Doesn’t this picture just remind everyone of the day when she was born, and sticking her tongue out excessively?

Baby Axel doesn’t stick out his tongue at all!

She even wanted to monopolise my keyboard, and I tried hard to keep her away from it.

I changed her and brought her out to Sim Lim to meet up with the guys, and Meiling, who hadn’t seen her for the longest time.

She doesn’t like Brian very much I think. She stared at him for the longest time.

And Uncle Roy made her very happy, though the picture looked a bit wrong.

Dad picked us up and dropped me off back home, as he carried on the journey back to Malaysia.

She had a long one and half hour nap on the journey… and it was yet another successful trip on the baby seat.

Sometimes I see how my dad adores her, it just tugs on the heartstrings that remind me how beautiful this little darling, and my family are.