The start of the week has been an annoyingly hectic one.

It wouldn’t have been so annoying if everything didn’t seem to go wrong.

The problem with me is, the immediate response to mistakes would be one of helplessness, because honestly, my self esteem wouldn’t bring me over to the next step of contingency.

So yeap, tempers flared, walking away, before I would try to remedy and take back control.

Like I said before, I ain’t exactly the best person to work with.

Thank you, for that in the midst of your busy schedule, you slowed the pace to listen to me. As much as I know what you were trying to get at, when you encouraged me to try and try, but honestly, I am just not prepared to face failure with each attempt. It eats away a part of me so much that I would one day, die.

But the topic of esteem, is a taboo one. I just sat there, stubbornly, though eventually, I cried. I hate the feeling of being reminded of how I would never get there. I am not you. Don’t expect me to be like you.

Like I said, I am everything you are not, and that, is a good thing for you.  Nobody should ever be like me.

It just seems like a blatant reminder of how inferior I am, as compared to you.

You could make everything sound so simple, and I wish I am engineered the way you are too. I wish. Don’t ask me to try.

You know, sometimes when working with friends, or for friends, there is a tendency to be extra careful every step of the way. I don’t mean the partners sense, but more of, working together as 2 companies coming together.

I had worked with many different friends long enough to know that some are brilliantly enjoyable, and some are incredibly stressful, that could affect friendships.

But there are some, I feel the stress, because I am over-eager to show, to perform, to live up.. no, to exceed expectations to be exact.

I have many successful, pretty, and the nicest possible friends. I look at their confidence, their attractiveness, their wits, and I wallow in the fact that I could never be them.

They could have been what my parents, what people would love to expect out of me.

Problem is, I am not them and I can never be them. I know I never said this, but when I was at the lowest points in my life, I shied away from my closest friends who are like such, simply because… it became a bitter contradiction of reality. I am not bitter, but I am inferior.

Maybe that is why I do have a lot of people I keep close to heart, but I always become a tad elusive after a while, feeling the need to draw away.

I guess, that is why, I will always be a loner who sticks out like a sore thumb.

I had to go back to the office yesterday for a meeting, and as much as harmless jibes came in my way, I couldn’t help to feel it again.

I am very very grateful to Justine, who ran out of the other lift, just to dash into the lift I was alone in.

She asked why I never seem to ask anyone to go for lunch, but I just said I don’t know how to with a mischievous grin.

I wanted to buy her lunch, which totalled to $6.60 inclusive of mine, but it became a tussle to stuff money into the cashier’s, and she had to tell the cashier not to take my money cos “She no money one!”.

You might think I will feel insulted, but I didn’t. In fact I love the way she is.. she is real, and very genuine, and has the innocence so lacking in this field. And yes, who am I to compare to her when she is of MDRT status for many years.

And then she eagerly told me about how someone asked her to introduce this scaringly huge corporation CEO’s son a girlfriend, and I was the first to cross her mind. She tried so hard to sell me she told me, and she told the friend about my background honestly. Of course, the friend couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but she still insisted on it.

She is just so damn cute, can?

Of course, who am I to match up to someone like that? She told me she is still pestering her friend for that.

I went down to Sim Lim thereafter and thought I would need to rush back to office in that hour’s span.

When I saw the costume for our client, I was short of fainted on the spot. Of course what went on in between that led to that explosive episode between Brian and I should be left forgotten.

Put it simply, I could allow no room for mistakes. Others, nor mine. I had meticulously planned for everything and made a concerted effort to see to everything personally simply because I wanted everything to be right.

Of course, the only thing I didn’t do, was to sent the fabric to the tailor, explain to the tailor, nor collect the costume personally.

And everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I was short of burning them, buy fabric for myself to sew something out of nothing when I have never sew any garments before. Oh wait, I did, in home economics classes when I was 13(when I was 14, I was taking technical studies).

Eventually, my bare sense of responsibility battled the immense sense of defeat, and I dragged myself to the tailor and appeared unexpectedly though I insisted to someone to settle the mess since he didn’t check and make sure.

It finally looked decent at the end of it, and we were short of jumping around in joy, weeping happy tears.

Though in the process of remedying it, we had to make some more changes with whatever we had, however limited knowledge we have.

I met up with a model for another client, and the night concluded smoothly.

I went home, and I went all hollow.

***
It was a fabulous morning to laze in bed, but I woke up early to do some work before rushing to get my hair done in time for the hair show.

The rain was very heavy but since my hair was going to be washed anyway, I just ran across after getting impatient waiting for some good Samaritan to share brolly with me. Grr.

My apologies to Meiling because I had to stop her at least 3 or 4 times to get some work done because by right I had to meet the models/makeup artiste/work partner/calling up contingency plans… but my hair took longer than expected.

And of course my countless phone calls and messages that disrupted the process.

And I am terribly sorry to some of them because of the countless changes, and the eventual turnout of a promise unkept.

I do feel very bad, really.

It was then rushing around, again, before I finally sat down for my first meal at 9pm.

I even missed sending a friend off cos eventually, there were more mad rushes to do.

2 more days to event day.

And honestly, as I sink deeper into my shell… it seems surreal to me that I am actually involve in it.

My detachment is so bad that, some times, some moments, I couldn’t remember what I have on this week, and I thought I could bring Minibean back with me.

It is so bad that, sometimes I try thinking hard, and I don’t even recall I have an event this week. I will go… “Oh.. I think I have something on this weekend.. but what is it huh? I just can’t seem to remember. Maybe I am free afterall…”  before I remember.

It is getting bad.

Very bad.

But yeah, like my colorgenics said, I have much to prove. So yeap, I still can’t slow down and breathe. Yet.