My week has been rather mad.

It ended with me rushing some last minute productions over at Mindy’s, and only got home at 8am, in the torrential rain.

With Minibean in tow, no less.

My fingers and wrist are sore, and I feel like a factory worker.

More on it in subsequent posts.

And now, I shall take Minibean’s nap time as a break, and try to shower, wash hair, pack up the house, sort out her laundry, clean her bottles.. and just.. chill and blog since I have the time to.

She is with me for most part of this week, though it is just a shame I still have to be occupied by work stuff with her by my side.

***

I have no idea when I can finally work on my place, cos the budget seems to be a bit high after calculating the total costs.

Ah well.

Tuesday was spent drawing up a report after Brian had said he would come up a report, and the next thing I know when I was doing my grocery trip, he had volunteered to come down to my place to “get my opinion” for the report. I read the couple of sentences and the vast spaces in between and shoo-ed him off the seat.

You all don’t know Brian, that brat will NEVER head to this ‘ulu’ side of the country unless he has to. And he will NEVER take the effort to go the distance, unless of cos, he would get something out of it. So, that statement should be big enough to know that there is no way I could wriggle out of it.

It wasn’t long before Day 1 was finished.. and he refused to let me leave the seat. He pleaded, manja-ed, spoke in the nicest possible way, and offered to buy dinner for me(which of cos, was his ruse to head out so I had no choice but to carry on the report).

Er… the report ended up to be 15 pages long. Muahahaha. But actual words..(I don’t know how much because he added on thereafter),  I only contributed 5(most of the other pages are pictures, you see).

He was so bored that he took the camera and took the picture of Brats at work. Duh.

Haha, brats at work. And yes, that was the sandwich he bribed me with. Of cos being typical Brian, I hardly have any privileges after the report was down. Tsk.

And this was after the report was finished, and he was ‘vetting’ it.

He has an easy job!

Upon completion of the report, he sent me to Roy’s where I met up with Mel and Roy, before he went to pick up Shulin.

Nick, Shulin, Eugene and Mel turned up subsequently, before Brian reached with Shulin, and with Nick pillioning me, the group of us headed into Malaysia.

It was a nice trip, a good break, just what I needed.

***

It was house chores and a day at home on Wednesday, before SBB dropped by with groceries in hand.

On our previous rendevous,  he had adorably bought white bread for me after knowing I would be staying home with Minibean, which would mean that I would hardly have time to eat or walk out to buy. Problem was, he bought white bread and nothing else.

This time, he bought ham. Smart boy.

We sat around and talked a bit before we retired for the night, since we were both tired.

I wanted to use my brr brr but then I asked for a little help which turned out to be not too bad at all since it was more than I asked for. Heh.

***

We woke up to greet Thursday morning together. These days, whenever I have morning meetings, we could wake up together, and he doesn’t have to resort to tugging the blanket, kicking me off the bed just to get me to send him off to the door. Though sleeping in on an afternoon(especially a rainy one) is definitely a treat.

He sent me to my meeting place, where Brian and I were supposed to meet Wenmei.

I took a picture but then Brian and I joked that it might be confidential, so er, since I don’t have photoshop, I just use whatever photoediting software I could to blur the image. Muahaha.

While waiting…

We then headed for Tiong Bahru for lunch with Wenmei and colleague, where I saw a long ago friend.. Lili, who is now married, and a teacher. And it seems like it wasn’t 10 years ago when we graduated from Secondary school.

We sat down for coffee, and the weather was terribly, before I headed home to finish off doing the calculations for commission and part-timers payout for Comex, while Brian headed to Sim Lim for another project.

***

Of course, as usual, I would put the Minibeany posts together in separate entries. So once I gathered the massive collection of her pictures, you will be seeing more of her.

***

Friday hasn’t been all that pleasant, especially after a couple of emails that came in and kinda… I don’t know.

It was just a bad time with all of us rushing and hand-packing all those stuff in Sim Lim.

I think we are somewhat jinxed.

Roy wanted to help to fold the ends of the paper, and he was using the machine. And then!!!!! In absolutely dramatic fashion, the metal lever he was pulling, broke! So have to do it manually.

We couldn’t finish packing in time, so we loaded the stuff up Mork’s van and we headed to Mork and Mindy’s place, to continue the production.

When we reached there, there wasn’t any wireless connection. Gasp!  And it only happened to Brian’s laptop lor!

And then, what was scheduled to finish at 2am, only finished at 7.30am. It was at close to 7 we realised the printer gave us lesser than what we had ordered. %@#^!%*!

I insisted on him going to the bank despite all those fatigue and Mork drove him down to Parkway in the heavy rain. I couldn’t be bothered cos Minibean was with me and I didn’t want her to board and alight so many times especially when it’s raining.

So I passed him my ATM card to help with the transaction.

Then ah! He withdrew the money but he forgot to bring the account details and numbers out to do the transactions.

DUH!!!!!

***

Read this just on plain matter-of-factly tone, and you might just be able to grasp what this really is, instead of what it sounds like.

Sometimes I thought of the humiliation I have to go through, and then I realised, what goes around, comes around, so who am I to complain?

I think, reality, oh no, I mean, he has a way to make a mockery out of me.

I wonder if people do realise, everytime it happens, it just kills and numbs, until I don’t feel it anymore. And then I surprise myself how I could really, start to feel nothing, though I could feel a hollow tugging.

And you function less of a human.

Betrayal might be too strong a word, but people will never understand the mechanics of why do people feel this way. Then again, it is really none of my business, eh?

You may think you know what I am talking about, but darling, honestly, you have no idea.

You are really not to hard to figure, like you think you are.

Maybe they are right, I am indeed stupid.

Then again, my intuition just has a way of making me more aware than I like to be, need to be.

I would like to believe I am just stupid cos I allow myself to be, not because you make me look like a fucking fool.

No, not as words from a lover, but even as a friend. You want to make people around you look stupid, but the one who looks the silliest, is yourself.

Truth is, sometimes I have doubts that you will ever get there, when I do want to get realistic and get critical with what went wrong with you.

There are 2 sides of you I see. One side of it, would lead you there, but one side of it, will kill it. It is just sad to see which side you indulge more in sometimes.

You know, sometimes I suspect why you didn’t make THAT particular move a year ago to go for that girl you so hung up over, is not because your conscience spoke, but simply because, you so know that you are at a disadvantage.

Yes, you told me now you would not think of starting a relationship which I truly believe, and that even if she comes into the picture, you would not be with her, though you wouldn’t mind fucking her.

Of course, fucking her would be so much of a simpler way out. But knowing you, I know you can’t get out of that.

Simple truth is, you can’t match up to her. You can’t catch up with who she is, her lifetstyle, or indulge in ANY of the activities she likes, simply because you are so not there. Do you want to borrow some money so you could have nice meal, go to the same place, or just give excuses of those that are not of yourself? And you will keep trying, and you will just look like an awkward boy feeling out of place, who doesn’t fit… and we know how the cycle works.

Of course, I know, I can NEVER be there, or who she is. So you have to be trapped in this little rut with somebody more inferior than you. That’s the only way you can have control.. no?

The same applies to you and your friends, and that’s why you hang out with people that you know you could put yourself so much higher than them, and shunned those you could never be, of course, that is until you make it big, and your voice gets louder and money gives you the confidence to speak.

And you know, it is sometimes like, there are perfectly painted pictures out there, and sometimes you just have to touch them with grease-stained fingers to destroy them. And you know, some people other there are such pictures.  Yes, it is rules laid down by the start, it is whatever you could say it was, or they were. But you know it very well.

Yah, she is this picture you so adore, and perhaps one of the reason you backed off is also because you know your fingers are grease-stained and you wouldn’t want to taint that little perfect world she is in. Just think back of the perfect little worlds you had destroyed, and perhaps you hold no guilt in that, simply because they mean nothing. She means something, isn’t it, and thus, you would be extra careful.

Maybe you would want to carve something out of your career, just to make up for that inadequency, in however way you want to look at it. To give you the voice you want amongst them, amongst her, and the confidence to just strut out whatever situation you have.

It is exactly a year ago you made me feel this way, and it is funny how it crept up once again. Maybe because, I believe, and I know, it will. The time line matches. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the events and treatment that follow on will match too.

I honestly think it would be so much better if you just think it through what you really want, be yourself, and maybe just try.  Why hold it back? Career is not an excuse. Make up your mind and stop being a coward. You would be so much of a darling friend that way. And it is about time the substitute people be out of the pitch, for you to look for your main players.

I wish she will never grow up like you. In some ways, I hope she will, but definitely not this.

And sometimes, it is just sad that I have consciously thought of it, and think to myself how I wish she would never get to find out how her father is like.