I miss my baby very much.

***

I sold my soul, I sold my pride today.

I ended up feeling so hollow today, that when I thought of getting my mind off stuff, and as I was talking to SBB on the phone in the evening as I was watching television, I started crying again.

I am not sure how much of a sign is this, but Dad called me to tell me how he was having dinner with someone, and he was trying to help me to get something more stable, through the someone who is the CEO of some major bank.

I laughed at the mockery at it.

Days ago, a dear friend of mine suggested me to go for a particular route, and MT and her were totally supportive and were trying to convince me it would be for the greater good. For baby, for me, of course.

Honestly, most people would have jumped at the chance, with the promised help to get me into the industry.

I hesitated. I am not willing to give up without a fight. The stubbornness and pride in me spoke loud and clear.

I told SBB how funny it is. To have 3 job offers that are what people are dying to get in, and yet I am hardly wavered because I am so reluctant to start something I love doing.

But the reality is before me right now.

If only everyone knows how much this is like my baby… and to tear away, is after all, not a simple equation.

After an hour of talk with SBB, relating to him how work had turned out, I evaluated what had happened today, and in the past months, and somehow, I realised I was really harsh in the previous post.

Though it was of no intended malice, it was just a great disappointment that was hard to wave away.

A dear friend whom I have been waiting for, called. And it was just too bad it was a bad time.

It was an hour after I stopped crying.

“You been crying?” she asked. She super power, like that also can hear.

It was just too bad I was on another hour-long phone call with SBB, and I had to miss the opportunity.

I was simply drained and I fell asleep. When I woke up, everything felt so surreal and I could hardly remember what happened today.

Maybe I have trained myself so well that everything in life, could be blocked out.

***

I owe a big apology to you babe. The one whom I delayed from leaving office early today.

I should be held accountable, and it is a real embarrassment to let you see the ugly side of things.

You asked why I never did do the liaising personally. I shunned the question, but the honest fact is, I am afraid.

I have always been a little fearful. And sometimes, I ask myself why, too

And I just didn’t trust myself that I would do a better job than anyone else would, and that’s why I should be responsible for all the miscommunication that went awry.

I guess, that is the same reason from the period of my life I felt so awful and inferior about myself that I couldn’t stay in touch or be a part of any of those activities, part reason simply because I feel like I couldn’t catch up.

***

I had a serious wardrobe malfunction on Wednesday, and I can’t remember when was the last time I felt so embarrassed!

I started the day with a trip to Dhoby Ghaut, and looking a little tardy, I was careful not to bump into anyone I know when I went to do my banking.

The horror struck when I was going down the escalator in Plaza Singapura, and on the same escalator, I saw CBB(gasp! Of all people!) at the back of the escalator.

I tried very hard to hide my face, and pulled it off successfully.

I met up with Tracy and Brian for coffee, before Brian and I went down to meet Prontip with a couple of girls.

The next stop was to meet the photographer and a graphic designer for dinner.

***

You know what people say about doing waxing before your time-of-the-month is very painful because your skin is very sensitive?

Not true.

But what is true is, you know how sensitive your skin is after waxing? Ah-ha. The worst thing that could happen is you have your time-of-the-month just few hours right after waxing.

I think I found the culprit for the nappy rashes.

A-G-O-N-Y.

And the worst part? Whilst I was having dinner with 3 chaps, I felt IT.

I bailed out immediately and called for a cab and rushed home.

I rolled around the bed with cramps and just fell asleep in absolute agony.

***

I could hardly sit still with the pain from the rash.

It is seriously not funny.

I have no idea which part is itchy and which part is painful, but I know I cannot just sit still without feeling the sting.

I had a terribly nightmare of noises, and oppression that Wednesday night.

It was a scary feeling. I forced myself to wake up and grab something but I couldn’t. The feeling is so strange. It was almost like if I don’t wake myself up, I will die.

I forced myself to wake up thrice.

The noises are all conversations I had with clients and things I was reminding myself to do, and the worries I have over work these days. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. And the only thing is my willpower to wake myself up.

I was tired. So it wasn’t the oppression that got to me, or made me afraid. It was the noises that annoyed the hell outta me.

I managed to have more peaceful sleep thereafter, and I think I should pray more often.

I woke up in the day with barely enough sleep. Come to think of it, I don’t sleep much these days anymore.

I was drenched in sweat when my airconditioner was at 20 degrees, and it was brewing up a storm out there.

I dragged myself to the desktop and started working on it, whilst feeling the immense pain. Not from cramp, but the absurd flow and rash.

I never quite had it like this before.

Sometimes, I wish I could have the courage to scream at people I rightfully should, but I am just so disheartened how people are trying to kick you in the ass when you thought they are trying to help you.

I think it is just habitual of me to take it personally, and I would feel more hurt and sensitive about it rather than… I don’t know. And I think trust is indeed fragile. Once bitten, twice shy, and once defense mechanism kicks in, it is bound to stay.

I concluded that disappointment itself is a much more poignant emotion than anger. It is a coldness that could never be resuscitated. How do you reignite a flame out of it again?

***

In a conversation with someone to iron things out on Thursday night, I told him my views on the partnership.

I know to him, my reluctance to be at the frontline needed a little socks-pulling, but I really ain’t confident I can sell, but I would gladly handle the necessary work done, but you need effective communication with me to tell me what to do.

A stronger foundation is needed.

And then it prompted a impromptu proposal writing session like, duh, at midnight. With its complicated nature, it took us like hours to complete, but I am pretty proud of what we can come up with.

It wasn’t finished till late, and I think he wondered why I kept walking up and down in my bear-prints PJs, feeling that restless.

Pain lah, darling.

***

Yay. At 3.45am on Saturday morning, I am thrown with a fresh problem.

I love what I am doing.