I need to do some minor renovation and maintanence.

But the hefty sum quoted to me by a friend for the minimal changes wasn’t what I could afford.

Most likely, I only need help with the living room, kitchen and possibly my room(which, on hindsight, might not be necessary).

I would be really glad if anyone could recommend me someone reliable and have ideas that would give Minibean a nice environment to grow up in. Of course, the price needs to be reasonable too.

The curtains hooks and pins are falling out, and I wonder if there could be anymore innovative ideas rather than using the conventional draw string “mari kita” kinda system.

And oh, maybe a reliable home cleaning service contact would be great too.

Thanks in advance.

Does it make you feel better now that I gave you the chance to “do your part” for what you planned for the last time?

Does that somehow make you feel more “right”?

Does it?

Does it make you more “up there” like you believe yourself to be?

I am sure it does.

Good for you. I was stupid huh.

And I thought, you were genuinely concerned.

Hurhurhur.

Two weeks ago, I had wanted to go somewhere. Anywhere.

Though my passport has yet to reach its expiry date, it was heavily burdened with visa endorsements from my trips between Singapore and Malaysia back then, and I had no choice but have to get it replace.

It had ran out of pages.

I didn’t choose 17 October 2007 to get it done. It chose me. It was a sudden idea though I had wanted to get it done sooner, but always didn’t see the need to.

It was a morning I wouldn’t forget.

I walked out in the morning light, heading down to High Commission of Malaysia by myself by public transport.

I hadn’t slept. And I thought it would be the best since the submission tend to be very early in the morning.

Since young, it was a chore always accompanied by my parents, and a chore I absolutely hate.

On that very day, I was too dazed to remember. Maybe I don’t like the process so much that I refuse to remember. But I know my phone was out of battery, and since there was also no one to call to pass the awful time, it didn’t quite matter.

I was supposed to return that afternoon to pick the passport, but there was only so much my body could take, and I only returned the next.

I remember queuing to get my picture taken, and I remember why I had loathed my own countrymen that much. Some attempted to cut my queue with some reasons that didn’t make sense, and when I pointed out their mistakes, they told me I knew nothing.

The person ahead believed them, not me, and allowed them to cut queue.

And that, would have cut me half an hour of waiting for my submission.

I felt plenty of injustice, but I was too tired to fight.

***

I held the passports in my hands.

I opened up the new one and saw tired, red, and swollen eyes looking back at me. They looked sad, and kinda.. cynical.

Must be from the morning of 17 October 2007, when the picture was taken. Even the face showed signs of water retention.

I ambitiously planned to have the 64 pages strewn with visas, and thought of what could be ahead.

When I opened up the old passports, the enthusiasm disappeared just as quickly.

The passport’s top right hand corner was ruthlessly snipped, and from a document that held so much importance to me, it had became nothing.

And from that day forth, it would no longer serve me, and I would no longer bring it everywhere I go.

I thought about the memories it held.

The trips back and forth. The passport had a difficult birth when we met a conman in Malaysia.

Then, after seeing the constant endorsements, it saw the endorsement of my employment pass. It then saw the residence ship I had so much wanted.

And I took a glance at the place, which was last graced when I had her in my arms to declare her citizenship and get her passport done… the day she was to leave my side to be by my parents’.

It held so much, and then it became nothing. Just because someone had cut its tip away.

I stacked it to a corner when I got back, and had plans for the new one.

Then again, it never held much. Much of the visas are just between Malaysia and Singapore, and I had never ventured further than Bintan with it. I never went far with it.

It has been nearly 2 weeks, but the quietness on the new one, is bringing me nowhere. I fact, it was such a stark contrast that I am sensitive to the new change, and it just gets me waking up last night and keep thinking about the blank passport.

It must have been 6 times I woken up, and I kept thinking about my new passport.

The enthusiasm is not a realistic one.

The blankness stared back at me.

And it was almost deja vu.

I felt this somewhere before. And it was exactly just a year ago.

Ya. Deja vu.

I am still here.

Not anywhere else.

Interestingly, it took 4 crispy pancakes to show a hint of normalcy in my life.

The revelation is biiiiig.

Dammit. I didn’t manage to bring Minibean to blade and play mahjong today because of the sudden downpour.

It would have been cool to be blading and pushing her stroller at the same time since my blades are of matching colours(”Check out my matching blades!”).

I was out shopping with the little lass at Takashimaya, when I was going to make my way to East Coast with my blades and stuff when I emerged from the building to see the city veiled with heavy rain.

Pretty happy I did my laundry last night and I brought them in before I left home.

So we ended up meeting at the ever familiar Tanjong Pagar area, and overlooked the city view for good half of the evening.

A quick dinner… and a mahjong session impending. Hopped on a cab just when it started to drizzle again.

Alas, I was too cosy in bed with the little one, and feeling just too lazy to head out when her bed time is just round the corner.

***

The guy from the dinner last night messaged me and asked me out for coffee. Couldn’t be for business since we are of the same trade, and I am impossibly skeptical about his intentions. Why? Want to fish information to furnish those old bitches?

If it is something else, don’t even bother. Now I understand why those old colleagues used to warn me so much about him. Sorry darling, I ain’t who I was 3 years ago, so don’t think I didn’t see through that.

But it was freaky funny when Minibean accidentally dialed someone’s number… someone I had snogged before, and the person called me back.

Like the guy who had called me earlier, I didn’t answer the call.

And they share the same name.

And then… out of nowhere, CBB messaged me this afternoon.

I mean, really, when was the last time he bothered to? And what can he be up to, really?

And uhm, he shares the same name as the other 2 before him. And they are the only people who had contacted me on the phone today.

Oh.

Did I mention the Hollywood recording guy is coming to Singapore again tomorrow?

And uh, he contacted me via email to meet up for drinks.

A shame that I won’t be around tomorrow.

No prize for guessing what his name is though..

Hmmm, does injesting baby oil make a person fat?

I didn’t like some of the people I met at the dinner last night but I knew my Dad’s reason for asking me to bring baby along for it.

Which is damn good.

Though some of those irritating lao hiao kaypoh aunties(some were genuinely nice, but some were there just for the drama you know?) were like flocking to her to find gossip fodders.

Anyway, the surprise of the evening was….

I saw a familiar face.

A face that once hit on me 3 years ago when I worked in his company. I still see him around during event days. I even blogged about it and how cute his daughter was when I carried her in my arms at a Christmas party.

Woohoo his daughter now 3 yrs already.

And he is now my dad’s mahjong kaki.

And then he was cornered by those irritating bitches who just kept asking him about how he knew me and you know, the goss.

Tsk tsk.

Have a dinner I so dread to go, to go. Oh well.

I had a huge bust up with my dad, it is good to say what I really feel.

Woohoo!

At least the facade is gone.

Indeed.

Phew.

Don’t know they idiots or what. Insisting what they want to think still saying this and that. Then ah, ask me to do something, I do, then they still go on and on and then say I am gone. But I just don’t trust people, and don’t need people like them, anything wrong with that?

And hohoho! The funniest thing must be when it was meant to be in some way, but it must have rubbed them off the wrong way(someone assumed I wrote something to stir personal problems on his side wor!), and they want to assume it to be that way. Too bad, even in the wrath as I tried to put my justification across, the meaning was lost, so -shrugs- too bad then.

So yah, if they insisted it to be that way and the meaning lost on them, and if it did create problems, give me the IPs, thank you, I will block the necessary people out, or maybe just fuck off from this site, cos you will misconstrue anything you want to what. So why the fuck bother?

Why this site is juicy gossip for you to take things out of context huh? So you can have bitching “how fucked up is she” coffee sessions or MSN sessions to dissect my life huh?

So if you cannot see how anything changed or disrupted and insisted I used you, then just fuck off, cos if I still be friends with you, I am just using you only(in your context).

So just fuck off lah. Don’t have such trash in my life means very pitiful meh? Must have them as my saviors to make my life so much more meaningful is it? Oh yeah, must be, cos you are so useful mah that I have to make use of you. Why, hiding secrets from you must be using you is it? Then you have no rights to talk to me about friendship shit cos.. uhm, it is all about measuring how much a person is ‘used’ hor?

Sometimes, really, do, and will you guys believe me if I choose to talk? NoOoOOo.. cos you guys will be kept busy with your own assumptions and denials that whatever I say, is not getting across.

Now I know why she never did let go during arguments cos your assumptions and emotions are just too blinding. And it is just easy to want to retort you using your own medicine to make you see, which you won’t.

***

I do see where you guys coming from, but I get tired of explaining myself, or even to search for answers. So I don’t bother to.

This message is for many, not one.

If I tell you I weren’t angry, will you believe? I know you don’t. That’s why you didn’t even bother to talk to me. If I tell you I weren’t angry but I really didn’t want to talk(who the fuck are you to corner me to force me to talk), would you believe? I wasn’t even thinking about it until a friend mentioned “As a friend, why didn’t she warn you first?”. Even if I say I didn’t “use”(fucking biggest joke in the world) you, will you believe? You didn’t, so I don’t see why you would in the future. I told you I didn’t use that post to create bad feelings but to indirectly hope you will get something out of it, but will you believe? I don’t think you will.

So why the fuck you come talk to me for?

You tell me to talk to you when I am not insane. I don’t think I will ever be sane to you as long as you are so… narrow-minded.

So why do I want to bother?

Cos I don’t need friendships in the future that you guys will be thinking in certain ways, and that you guys don’t believe.

I can tell you I do have a very sane set of reasonings and explanations but I can’t be bothered. Why do I need to listen to your reasonings when mine are full of shit.

And I don’t need other people in the same circle to explain on my behalf or make me as a discussion topic which serves no purpose(come on, you want to ask, you guys come to me, not through people around me), and that’s why, I don’t need any friends who are connected to each other, so some of you don’t have to find the same people who have to be caught in the middle of ‘fire’.

So you find X, Y, Z for your woes and how you feel, so why should I burden them with mine?

So that’s self pitying?

You know what is self pitying? I don’t need to state just in case you say I messing things up for you.

Fuck you, really. Fuck you.

I am really pissed off by the ongoing issues about the Penal Code issues.

I am all about repealing something they have no intention of executing, and I really do think they should just abort it.

And it is just sad to realise how unaccommodating they are towards people who just fall in love with someone who is their soul mates, regardless of gender, and it is just sad that on top of the pressure they are facing from opposition, they have to live with discrimination.

I don’t think I can ever understand, but I think it is just right to give them the space.

Then again, who am I to say who is right or wrong?