My refusal to face my only outlet is because I have so much to write, but I am afraid to confront all those issues right before me.

I have things in my life happening, yet I don’t see why I should write them down, cos all the emotions I brought home from work would cloud all my judgments that I operate just like a robot. A robot which only has work emotions programmed, and a very destructive one.

As the cab cruised along today, a series of emo songs just roused so much out of me and it was almost as if my life flashed before me.

I haven’t slept at all in days
It’s been so long since we’ve talked
And I have been here many times
I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong

There’s only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better, yeah
If I don’t try and I don’t hope

No more waiting, no more, aching…
No more fighting, no more, trying…

Maybe there’s nothing more to say
And in a funny way I’m calm
Because the power is not mine
I’m just going to let it fly

I felt so much urge to blog, that I even had an entry, a long one, weaving in my mind. And emotions sept in a little in the form of a sour nose, before I divorce myself from reality, and I was back to my empty world.

And you might take the lyrics as one way, but it had meant almost everything and anything, in every aspect.

Don’t bother figuring it out, you never will.

***

I had meant to blog so much random things so that my blog doesn’t sound all dead and gloomy all the time.

But with the state of mind, I barely could.

But fuckety fuck. One of the “interesting things” I had wanted to blog about, turned out to be.. uhm, maybe something I shouldn’t blog about.

Anyway.

In the past 3 days, I have many people asking me if I am schooling.

I basked in the delight of being mistaken for a schoolgirl hehehehehehe.

I went for an audition for a 2-day modeling job today, and being the creative person, I am very keen on the job.

It pays well, but there is always a sacrifice for art, isn’t it?

Art buys me. Let’s just hope I get it.

It was then I was asked if I am a student yet again, before I laughed out, admitting that I am way beyond that and pretty old.

I looked at the lady’s age before me and she is a good 8 years younger. I shall stop being thick-skinned and all next time round.

But it was good, I had fun talking to the 3 very nice chaps from the museum. They worked there, not belonged there.

***

If it all weren’t bizarre enough.

I was rushing up and down Sim Lim yesterday and I saw a face that drained the blood from my face.

A staff from one of the ground floor’s shop sitting on a high stool staring blankly into the space.

OH MY GOD.

I recognised THAT face.

It is MR JIROH’s!

Don’t even start telling me that we are fated, cos we are so not!

And yes, he hit on me when I was at IT show, and then again last year in September, with that large gold chain. He didn’t even put 1 and 1 together!

And the “Herrow, you moder?” as the first pick up line and “Eh Miss, can we be fwens?” for the subsequent time were so NOT cool!

WORST?

HELLO? September last year you know?! I was carrying a 6 month old baby inside me, you know?

I snuck away from his sight, though it was unlikely he would recognise me from all those frumpy clothes.

Yesterday was a good karma days. They always say the most impossible thing could happen to me.

So yesterday, as I was out in slippers, jeans and glasses, sans makeup, we had a last minute meeting to attend.

It was an important client and my face was scrunched into a mess when I stared down at myself.

I ran to OG, and then huh, I wanted to buy makeup so the auntie can do for me. But she said I should have booked an appointment cos she simply wasn’t free(stock-taking day, you see).

So I was just browsing her stuff and told her about my predicament, and asked if she could recommend me anything.

She sat me down, took out a pack of new sponge, and then dabbed on cleanser on my face to cleanse the oil, then she patted on some base for me, and then she pressed on powder for me!

Then I was saying that would be enough, and then she took out blusher, threw on eyecolour, asked me if I wanted eyeliner(I nodded and I had nice greenish eyeliner to match my bag and eyeshadow!), and then whipped out the mascara.

And then, she used lip pencil and lip gloss to finish the light, instant makeup.

Where got people so nice one?!!!!

The auntie sure will be blessed with plenty of good karma. She said she thought it was intensive and that would require booking and a fee, but since it was simple(anything but simple in my opinion!), she wouldn’t mind helping me.

So I loved her so much that I bought a refill for my almost finishing compact powder.

So you all, listen up! Go buy from the auntie from OG(yes yes I know it is so not a cool place), at the Shiseido booth!

I then went to get disposable lenses from an optician since my glasses really looked silly on me.

As I was trying on my lenses, he took a look at my glasses and then said the alignment was a little off.

I nodded saying it often slide down my non-existent nose, and it is way too loose for me.

He took it away and then adjusted it for me, FOC! All because I bought a pair of cheap, disposable lenses!

Where got people so kind one?!

It took me 20 minutes to get everything done and met the guys back at Sim Lim.

They said I must have pretended to use the sample from the cosmetic counter, but I smirked when I told them about how my good karma fell upon me.

I was happy!

I went down with both chaps to meet the client with less pressure, and with a big grin cos the 2 nice people made my day.

I was anticipating something bigger when the AGM walked in for a brief while, but it was pleasant.

I looked on as the meeting went resumed. I know this is absolutely crappy, but I couldn’t help but noticed the puppy eyes on my friend’s boss. Quite, uhm, charming you know?

I. Have. A. Weakness. For. Puppy. Eyes.

I shan’t carry on before she would stare at this part of the blog with absolute horror, noticing what I just said, and wondering if it was her lasik that went awry.

Finally, we wrapped the heart-stopping day with a dinner at Tiong Bahru’s foodcourt, before I headed back home by train.

I went shopping at Popular looking for some stuff, before I realised I didn’t have a single cent on me and I don’t have NETS.

Grr….

I got back, did some work, before I totally concussed out by 11 plus.

I barely remember the conversations I had with various people thereafter, though the ones that I remembered were of work-related, and I naturally blocked out all others.

***

Okay, speaking of bizarre, nothing beats this.

I was waiting for a cab in the cab queue for the longest time, when this 40ish Chinese guy with slightly longish hair, covered in sweat, sipping a can of grape drink like it was beer, stopped in his track, right before me.

He was a self-assured, pretty charming guy, not fantastically looking, and he just struck up a conversation out of nowhere, and he had the entire cab queue’s attention on him though he might have ignored it.

It is something unusual to Asians, I would suppose.

I was guarded, obviously, and with the amount of weirdos I met recently. Yet, somehow, I maintained my composure, thinking that he shouldn’t be a local with his accent. And we all know how normal it would have seem, say, if this isn’t Singapore.

It was the same just minutes ago, when a cab driver asked if anyone was going to “Punggol/Sengkang” and the Caucasian lady behind me asked the queue “What did he say?”

No one bothered with her, and I repeated what he said. “What does it mean?” I smiled, realising she thought it was some lingo, and explained to her the locations meant somewhere in the North-East region.

She replied loudly, “Ahhh! That’s not where I was going!”

I smiled and I observed the 4 pretty young girls with her. Beautiful family.

So anyway. Back to the guy.

He stopped in his path, and the first sentence was… er, I can’t remember, but it was either “Hi, that’s an interesting necklace there, does it mean anything?” And then he went on asking if it was heavy and I commented how it was a gift from a colleague(Justine passed me some of her beaded accessories, and even though I don’t normally wear them, I don’t know what made me do today.

He said he went to some country where he had to wear a necklace of this colour(shocking pink?) and he thought it had meant something.

I wasn’t sure if it was something real, but I just told him the only meaning was that it was from a dear colleague.

“Hi, I can’t help but noticed you look different from the people here, are you from here?”

I am not sure if “different” meant I am exotic, unique, or just simply, queer. Laughs.

It was pretty flattering, and I was polite with my reply, though I was crossing my fingers that it wouldn’t go beyond cheesy.

“I am looking for interesting faces, so do you mind if I take a video of you?”

Before I knew it, he whipped out a video camera which was already glued to his hand, and it was really hard for me to say no.

First thing, I was in slippers, my makeup was in a mess since I was out since 12 noon, my hair was bundled up like a housewife would, and I was carrying a helmet, standing there with a hunch.

By now, the girls behind me was throwing us really weird looks, and though I would have taken it differently overseas, but we all know how Singaporean perverts(some!) at IT shows would go around doing this, right?

So I could not be quite natural in front of the camera, and I gave a frozen smile as the camera flashed.

“Your eyes are closed!” he exclaimed with a loud laugh.

“I’m sorry! I could hardly be natural in front of cameras!” Not like this, I thought!

So anyway, he took again, and I gave a vague smile, cos I was sweating like a pig, and I felt so awkward with myself.

He introduced himself, we exchanged hand shakes, he passed me his card, and asked somewhere along the line if I was local.

He then asked for my number, and I insisted on my email, and told him I would definitely reply if it was email when he started saying how email always gives people the choice not to reply, and that he was flying off tomorrow and it would be no harm for me to give him my number.

“Ahh.. so mysterious,” after I had politely promised I would reply his email.

Nah, I am just, guarded, like any other Singaporeans. Yet, I am just more at ease letting words flow over cyber realm, and I am pretty scared of handphones.

He asked me to check out his site when I get back, and he would email me.

I am not sure he would, but of course, I was covered in perspire, simply because I was nervous from the stares.

The girls behind stared at me as I stood there looking bewildered, and they were concerned. They asked if I knew him and I smiled and said, no.

And they started branding him weird, queer, or even, odd.

For me, I really didn’t know to measure him in what sense. The local way, or just like any other chap would be overseas.

Anyway, I should be flattered, before I slammed myself back to reality and I was part of a bored, slow cab queue again.

I divorced myself from the possibility of it could even mean anything flattering.

It was a long wait.

The cab drove past an accident, and then various songs played. I was back to feeling the heaviness in my chest, and I just couldn’t wait to get home.

Maybe I should be glad the episode shortened the wait somehow, though it also seemed like prolonging it, and I made a mental note to blog about it with the other stuff.

Just out of curiosity, I went to search for his site, and did some internet search on the credibility of his name.

Okay, if he is really who he is, which the contact details on various credible media stated are the same as those he gave me, seem to imply so….

… Then I had just spoken to a Hollywood recording studio owner who works with, uhm.. say, Brit Brit, Justin-T, Alicia Keys, Ashlee Simpson, Usher, 50 cent, Gwen Steffani(Oh! Can I like so meet her?!), Wyclef Jean… just to name a very few.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am such a rude bitch.

Uhm.

Can my life get stranger?

Okay, time to divorce myself from this, and back to my planet earth.

Nah, I am not even thinking about having any dreams, cos I can’t sing for nuts(except Doraemon, IMAGINE how planet earth could be destroyed with THAT), though I can’t help but keep harping on how ugly the picture he took of me is.

***

Okay, that has brought me far enough from what I had originally wanted to blog about.

And it may be good that I manage to block most of them out, that I have no intention to let them see light yet.

***

Monday was a tough day. Tension was cut-throat sharp, and tempers were scorching hot.

I didn’t sleep much, just like how much other nights were over the weekend.

I jumped out of bed and couldn’t wait to leave the house to get things done.

Met up with Roy, and Brian, before it evolved into a bigger waiting game.

I lost my patience for a brief while as only Roy and I were waiting there earlier on, and utterly pissed off at the delay. It has been a long time he has been updated since his holiday.

Brian joined us much later, and then halfway through talking to him, I rushed to the nearest clinic to solve an emergency.

My cheebs were just too painful/itchy.

Even though I was next in line, the nurse had asked me to wait just as she registered my details.

I couldn’t stand it and pace up and down.

I blew 66 bucks, and the doctor(a decent, pudgy, soft-spoken geek) had a good peek at my cleanly-waxed baby machine, which was peeling from the rashes.

I’ve got skin infection from the heat/moisture and I hesitated for a while before the itch reminded me to just get it over and done with when the doctor suggested “visual inspection”. Yah. So I have a pad-shaped rash which is so ugly.
Maybe I should use tampons.. but I scared. Shuddap girls, I know what you are going to say.

Maybe the skin will be rejuvenated from the peeling? I can only hope.

And I am now itch and pain free with the many stuff the doctor passed me. Yay. Some money really cannot save one.

Finally, the wait came to an end, before we headed for Arab street for dinner, to be joined by Mel.

I took my medication and then I started to feel really weak, breathless and just.. sick.

With stress, I couldn’t quite eat much nor sleep much. Bleargh.

I couldn’t wait to hop on a cab and lean on the seat all the way home.

I then remembered, I once took an anti-allergy medication which made me feel breathless as a side effect, and I had conveniently overlooked it.

But between the weak-feeling and itch/pain, I chose to take the pills. Boo.

***

SBB dropped by after I had a 2-hours nap, and after a long, agitated talk.

Like I said, work has spilled over to so many aspects of my life.

He came over, knowing I needed some company, to help cope with the stress. No loving, just comfort.

I couldn’t sleep, but he dragged me right into his arms and I managed to take another 2 hours of nap with his arms wrapped around me, before I was jolted awake by the time and needed to track my productions.

I was sweating and feeling so much heat when I was jolted awake.

I was on my way to Sim Lim to meet the guys, and it was plenty of negotiating and standing firm on my ground.

Finally, we met the clients and things were settled.

I must have been very tired and relieved last night. I couldn’t remember anything but falling asleep with the TV on and only woke up to switch it off and take my medication before going back to sleep.

12 hours. Brilliant.

***

Uhm. Talking about weirdos. I just have someone messaging me through Friendster to ask if I want to ride his bike up to Sepang coming MotoGP, with his friends.

Problem is, I don’t know who he is at all.

I am not sure if his bike will be the only thing he tries to ride if I do follow him.

***

I went for a last-minute casting, before I went around to source for some stuff.

I sat down with a pack of chai tao kuey bought by my dad in the morning, and bought myself an iced-tea as I sat on an old bench for lunch.

I saw the army of ants on it, and felt a slight pinch.

But because Dad bought it, I dug for the lower layers, where there weren’t ants.

And yes, I took a few courtesy bites, before I threw it away. Simply because, Dad bought it, and I didn’t bear to throw it away.

I only spoke to baby once in 3 days. I feel like an awful mother, because sometimes my conversations with her would be cut by incoming calls, and I had to hang up on her.

She now sings. Really! When she hears music(even awful ones), she starts to hum to the melody and drags the notes, though she isn’t quite on pitch, it is so pleasant to the ears. She can now do so much. And if only she knows how proud I am of her.

She sang into the phone today, and I felt such a great urge to cry.

I almost feel like I already divorced my family in the midst of all these tension, and the feeling really sucks.

I headed home right after, though I should have a meeting to go to.

I don’t like uncertainty, and I hate to be ill-prepared, especially the commitment didn’t seem to be there.

I got sunburnt eventually today(the sun made me dizzy), and then I ended my day after meetings pretty late, before I could sit down for a proper meal. My legs were already soft by then.

Brian, Tracy, Mel, Roy and I went over to Pacific Plaza for coffee before we called it a day after I collected my helmet from Far East.

And where I had some bizarre episode, which is quite something to remember.

***

I got back at 11ish today and it was work and liaising with designers before I get to blog.

I managed to talk to my girlies, though… I know it was just me making topics to keep in touch.

It is an odd feeling. Sometimes I feel like divorcing myself from them, yet I know they are too precious to lose.

I am just awkwardly out of place most times, and I know I am the only one who can and must, deal with it.

***

There will be another extensive divorce to come, which will come with a hefty settlement.

The talk with the boss had been dragged too long, and I think whatever that could have been mended might not work anymore.

It is a shame. It is just something I was afraid to confront, cos it will be a difficult decision to make.

When I have to make a choice, it normally isn’t easy for me cos I can be so indecisive when it comes to myself.

I just wish these all could be simpler.

I know it is so hard to turn back now, since he is so busy and there is just something lingering there….

I just wonder if he knows how difficult it is for me.

***

I want to flee the country.

And I can’t.

I don’t like uncertainties, and when they arise, they make me panic, and in my most conditioned way of guarding myself, is either to escape, or just, feeling really lost and annoyed, and just clam up.

If the other party doesn’t show same amount of commitment, I don’t want to be seen like a fool doing things that are redundant… and so, once I see the other side dropping their commitment, I would let him/her to decide to pick it up, or not.

By the time I have made up my mind to drop it, assuming the other side is not interested, I simply couldn’t be bothered to pick it up, cos it is simply exhausting, and I hate looking like a fool.

I may become a total bitch, or just totally cold, but the truth is, there are so many moments where I would just want to jump out to say/do something, yet… I hold back.

Since I was “politely” asked to lock posts regarding the related incidents, I can only be as vague as such. It doesn’t make sense to anyone of you, I bet.

But it does.

But to end this, is like a divorce.

Too much like one.

Almost like you know, ROM, shared accounts, and the “HDB” inclusive. And yes, the baby which we tried to raise together.

***

And now, to the heaviest part of all. One that I would rather no one makes any comments about. Of course, if you are my girlies, feel free to do so.

Like I said, I don’t like uncertainties.

Time, we haven’t had that between us in a long while, but with all these busy stuff going on, it is hardly a surprise.

And I don’t know how are you going to take this… I just hope it doesn’t get misconstrued.

Like I said the other night, I miss SBB.

I miss SBB, I do.

But in a cruel awakening, I realised SBB never did exist, and for all you guys know, he is just a figment of my imagination.

Cannot be, you say, his DNA and sperm confirmed his existence through the little being who looks exactly like him.

But no, you didn’t get me. The smart, funny, sensitive, honest, charming SBB, whom I used to laugh together, tell exciting stories to, make fun of, hanging out, talking through the nights…. and speak of things unbridled, and that friend I thought I would never want to lose, never did exist. It was something I dreamt up of in a perfect little world I created.

The selfish, cowardly, deceptive, and the other sides of him are surfacing just as time proven itself.

I know, it may be my bad for all the things evolving to this way.

But I don’t know how to get to the point of it.

We used to listen to each others’ stories, laugh, make silly comments, tease, and just.. be friends. You know, haha, it is becoming a mockery of something his ex-colleague wrote for him, like how I had looked on to her blog and laughed over how juvenile she had said how she wanted to be his friend and such and such.

The joke is on me now, and it is not funny.

But now? No, he doesn’t need friends. He has newfound BFFs, elaborated, and successful ones, unlike the broken rag doll who is everything they are not.

Jokes he would rather tell them, and make them laugh, and nothing is shared anymore, cos he simply didn’t need the laughters from me.

I wanted to laugh at his jokes, but thinking about how he has successfully made someone laugh the way he wants them to, makes me hold back as I realised how much he didn’t need that from me. And his reluctance to share them with me, and how he is different with them, I know.

I simply don’t want to be taken as a fool.

I wish I could be the one who brings him comfort, who sorts his thoughts out, who gives him directions, but I know he now has people he can get that from.

I wish I could be the one he wants to share his new jokes from… but I can’t bring myself to laugh, cos I know I am not the one. Cos perhaps, every rambling from me now means something boring, something insignificant, and he just couldn’t be bothered.. whereas he would cling on to the new barbie dolls’ words.

And I don’t mean to see through it all, but I did, as much as he might have said it otherwise.

It was something minor, but it did make a lot of sense.

He was having a headache today. I was feeling sick yesterday.

I refrained from asking if he was okay, and do the usual naggings of drinking more water, rest early and such.

Does he really need that from me? And me feeling sick is no longer of a concern, though he might just fuss over a mosquito bite from a new barbie doll.

I didn’t mean to see through it, but I did.

It was right there, when I wasn’t even snooping. It was something from me, and I recognised it. It was with her, and she responded.

It made common sense that it was his way of getting the attention/affection or just, a way of making a move, albeit really silly, like he couldn’t come up with his own way, and work like a dick-brained desperado using whatever readily available to him, cos he just couldn’t be smart/bothered enough to come up with ideas on his own.

You know, it is just disheartening to know that whatever that he had to say, when it was from me, he would rather not share with me.

Because I know, I am slowly turning into a vague shadow in his life, a shadow he so wants to shake off.

Maybe he doesn’t really want to talk to me, but because she is asleep, and not available. Maybe he doesn’t really want to see me, but I am the only person who is still sleeping with him. Maybe he doesn’t really want to have anything to do with me, but he cannot, cos.. there is a baby. Maybe he doesn’t really want to make me laugh, cos my laughters, sickness, problems, are no longer his concerns. Not even as a friend.

Maybe I was right, he never needed a friend. Even friends have expiry dates.

It is so not about the person, though you guys might not see it that way, it is just how big the indicator is portraying me as a big fool to shower him the attention, the silly comments, and be back to the old self, when he doesn’t want any part of that from me.

I clammed up for a long time, cos I felt so much uncertainties, and I bottled up, simply because.. I simply don’t want to look like a fucking fool. And then I realised why I stopped laughing for so long, because my intuition isn’t faking me.

If you are not making a move, nor trying to get some attention to gain something out of it, I don’t know what is. And it is just a clear indication you simply don’t WANT it from me, but you are just taking it maybe cos you find it hard to tell me, or that it is simply cos I am available.

I related the incident to the girls, and what they first commented and thought it to be, is different from what I had intended it to be.

Loser, you are. It is almost like getting flowers from some grave, and using it to impress someone you trying to woo.

If you need anymore, I can provide with you with addresses of florists, you know?

It is sad, because I am slowly believing who they say you are.

And maybe that is why it is time you buy new believers.

They say it is difficult, cos it is almost like a divorce(shit, how many divorces do I need in my life right now?)… and indeed, it does feel like one to me. Someone that seems so familiar, and someone you shared so much good times with, suddenly becoming a stranger.

I just want some dignity. I just don’t want to be a fool.

If you find it so hard to talk to me, then don’t make yourself miserable.

If you find it so hard to sit through my ramblings which hold so much elements of my life, don’t torture yourself this way.

If you find it so hard to listen whenever I coo over her, don’t force yourself to pretend you are interested.

I now know why whenever I say something.. it was a quick and crisp “I am tired, I am going to sleep.”

I just want some dignity, I don’t want to be a fool.

My jokes, you will not longer laugh. My blog, replaced by blogs by others of your fantasy because you no longer need to follow how your ego has been stroke with constant mention of you here, though you occasionally frown at the negative stuff directed at you. My stories, you no longer listen.

It says a lot. It says a lot when I could see you responding to your new BFFs with great interests, and laughing along. That patience, that bright glint in your eyes as you listened on and responded excitedly. And of course with barbie doll, I am sure you wouldn’t even feel any of those dreads and would happily chat till she goes to work and still leech to her handphone thereafter.

I could almost imagine you reading something off my blog and then share with your barbie dolls to make it your own. You might not have, cos it was an exaggerated thought, but if you did, you must be the biggest loser I have ever seen. Okay, that kinda happened to me before, but still…
You don’t laugh that way with me, even when I be the old self I am, and I stop letting that side of my out, cos I feel… like a silly fool, when most probably you would sneer at the silliness.

But don’t you remember, that was the old me? The old me I so missed, but I so know you don’t bother to see? I don’t want to lose my dignity. I don’t want to look like a fool.

They are your new friends.

Not even when I told you about my episodes today, did you give any responses, like you used to.

These days, it was just impatience, and impatience, and I guard myself the same way, though the nature in me was otherwise. The only way to suppress that side, was to let the other sinister side come out.

Have I been too open? Too much like an open book?

Why do you think I just plunge myself so much into work, simply because it is only side I don’t feel that I don’t feel that much of a loser.

I just don’t know what to say anymore without making myself looking like a super, big, 3D loser, because whatever I say, I feel.. doesn’t matter, anymore.

The uncertainties just make me don’t know what to say anymore, when you say I tend to bottle up so much. Why should I speak up, when they don’t matter?

I just want some dignity, I don’t want to be a fool, to wait till the right time to sense some excess enthusiasm from you that you want to listen to me before all those came bursting out like an overzealous child, and there you look on, cold.

And then, when I am asking questions I used to, trying to make conversations, I get slammed back to where I was. And then, I became the intrusive “kaypoh” again when it all didn’t matter last time when you had nothing to hide.

And then, it dawned upon me, it just simply about trust issues anymore.

It is simply that, I have reached my expiry date.

I just don’t want to be the biggest loser of all, the one that is more loser-ish than you.

It was evident to see, you just want to show me how you don’t need me, nor want me, in any aspect of your life.

I get the drift.

I just want some dignity. I just don’t want to be a fucking fool.