The past weeks hadn’t been easy.

Much of it had past without any documentation and it is as if I have no memories of it anymore. Like… a lapse in memory..

Lapse. Yeap. Lapse. How quaint is this little word.

Though I have came out of my shell, and smiled on at the world that breezed by.

I have been busy.

And I have been internet-less. While waiting for someone, I am now using the internet at the internet cafe, and I was told to blog.

It is not easy to survive without the internet, but gee, I have coped well. I even think that it will do less destruction to me as I hole myself up at home.

I have been out a plenty. So much so that I don’t even know myself anymore.

I have been getting lucky.

I got myself a new desktop. I made it my own liability.

And then I lugged it home and set it up all by myself. And then it didn’t start up at all. It didn’t help even though I had help to check the monitor for me after I set it up. Grr…

It didn’t work and the staff asked me to bring the entire CPU down.

I didn’t want to book a cab so I carried it all the way to the main road…. the treacherous journey nearly killed me.

And then it turned out the monitor’s pin is not the one featured on the manual. Grr… It was so embarrassing okay?

I nearly growled at the unhelpful Pacific internet staff when I realised the modem they gave me is not compatible with Windows Vista.

Roar.

And I asked if I could sign up some form of contract for a free new modem since I am not under any.

They were unsure.

So, Singnet, here I come.

I queued like mad last Sunday.

Then I signed up wireless for my Dad’s office. I got a new handphone and I got a new iPod shuffle as freebie.

Then I got myself a 5 bucks voucher because of the dip and win. I never believed in such stuff, so I was quite sure it was all vouchers, or you know, pen.

So, I signed up broadband.

I got a free Dell 12 inch laptop.

Then, another lucky dip.

This time, I frowned and whimpered when they were happily telling me that I won myself an all-in-one photo printer.

Not very helpful when we were having a girls’ night out with the JD, and FF’s guy pals.

The 3 of us took turns to lug the not so light thing around, together with the not so light free modem.

***

It was a quiet late night out in town. Familiar road. Familiar settings… and everything was just.. oh well. A soothing drink just so I could sleep better.

I bought a gift for Minibean for her first birthday(she is turning one this weekend!), and I proudly showed it off to everyone. I love shopping for her.

It was a chilly night. And a quiet stretch that was buzzing with life just hours before. 

I lugged the freebies up the cab and it was almost daylight when I finally troubleshooted and set it up. I did it in less than half an hour. It is funny how much you can find within yourself to do things you normally would feel helpless with.

***

Okay. I didn’t know the stupid internet will only be activated like…. tomorrow. Another week lost just like that.

I ran around like a headless chicken today just so tomorrow can be freed up.

It will be a busy weekend for me, and I am just keeping my fingers crossed that everything will turn out fine.

Oh.

I went for my HP desktop lucky dip redemption today.

Imagine my utter horror when it was my first stop of the day…. and once again, I won myself another all-in-one conventional printer.

And the staff once again tell me how rare it is and it was one of the bigger gifts.

I think I can start a mini-electronic fair soon.

I mean… I am happy that it was the one I had wanted to buy.. but no way in hell was I going to carry it around doing all the errands.

Luckily, my old workplace was just nearby and I conveniently put it there. Hehe.

I met up with JD after I had lunch with my ex-colleagues, and she had to prance around Bugis with me as I rushed my stuff. 

Oh, and I hate cranberry juice. Eeeek.

***

I met up with JD yesterday for fruitless shopping too.

I got real tired but managed to brave the train ride back, and had an early night.

I got rude treatment from a client yesterday. Roarrrrrr.

***

I think I am looking forward to next week. When I can officially go back into hiding again.

I only managed to get internet at JD’s on Monday night. Where I happily checked my flooded email boxes, and then I realised there wasn’t much for me to do. Mahjong was good.

I dropped off somewhere else, and walked home. I spent the night reading.

Tuesday was slightly busy as I headed out for errands.

I finally caught up with all the lost episodes of CSI…. after watching them all in one go on Tuesday night.

The long trip on the train in the day nearly killed me, and a fulfilling dinner and a drink later, I could run my errands.

Catching up the lapse of those lost episodes, was good.

I miss all those familiar stuff that got my adrenalin pumping.

I didn’t sleep until I saw daylight.

***

Love yourself before you love others, I was recently told.

And I think something is really wrong with me.

I broke down and the defenses I built up these days, crumbled.

Now now, it is amazing what TCM can do.

I almost thought I was in some fortune teller’s den when the woman who was massaging me(who subsequently polka-dotted me with cuppings), started to ask me some questions which my friends would be very familiar with.

Like.

“Do you fall down often?”

GASP!

I am sure it wasn’t the bruises all over my legs that prompted the question.

“Eh how do you know?”

“You often twist your ankles when but then they are not painful and you don’t ever sprain them right?”

WAH! Blardy accurate can? My friends always wonder how I can manage to achieve such incredible feats of tripping on a straight path… and now apparently, someone has the answer. *In awe*

“How do you know?!”

“Because the way your ankles are, they are quite loose and they are way too flexible, because of your ligaments holding them together..”

She went on to explain to me in a way that it was like the elastic bands that hold my ankles together are too loose, and thus, the room for my ankles to move around is greater than normal people’s.

That’s the reason why I never seem to sprain my ankle even though I twist them all the time(like really, all the time).

That’s the reason why I always have to make extra effort to balance on heels.

That’s why I appear shaky even though I was wearing short wedges, or worse, heels.

That’s the reason why I have been tripping all these while.

That’s the reason why I have been branded clumsy by most of my friends…

That’s the reason why I was being laughed at.

The secret is now out in the open. My ankles are engineered in a way they are strung like puppets, and I have to always keep them in place so they don’t get out of position.

WAH! So it’s not my fault I am clumsy!!!!

Yay.

It is just so comforting to hear that.

I didn’t say that, my therapist did, and I didn’t make it up.

Yay!

I am not clumsy!!!

Happy birthday old woman!

We love you and I shall post up videos of you, which you gave me permission to, when I finally have my computer cured.

And yes we now know your nostrils are virgin and not your ears. Thank you very much for the yummy details and the brilliant chance for me to meet my sweet young boy and have a nice night of PS2 gaming.

Though the PS2 gaming with FF was more of like laughing stocks to those around.

And oh.. again.. the pom pom tiao…

A sweet young thing made my heart pom pom tiao and his smiles made me giggle giggle like an innocent schoolgirl.

Oh my oh my. How I miss that feeling of fluttering heart.

He will look like my son beside me though he is only 23.

He has blond dyed hair and ang kongs all over.

He is damn sweet and candid.

*Giggles*

Oh. It died on me.

I should be glad my hard disk is functional. Though it took me 2 days before I finally get it checked and at such…. time(5.22am, says the clock).

Nothing seems to be able to revive my computer and I am feeling discouraged. Yet, I shall be glad the memories from the past one year, are all intact. I am thankful. I am not ready to lose her first year’s journey.

And it is just so jinxed that my work email is greatly utilised these days.

I had thought to let it go and make do without technology. But I think I am just not suited for it.

So I snuck out of home at 3am in the morning, only to find my dad coming back home. I pretended to head back to my room to sleep, and then I packed my bag and left.

At least I found out my hard disk is perfectly fine.

But still, I don’t think I can blog or surf for quite a while still, though I would probably need to get a few things done online especially for next week.

So yeap, I shall have short posts and make do with whatever connections I have right now.

It was just a random scene on television.

It was just a random song from the CD playing in the car.

It was just…. a book.

Woohoo.

She cried in her sleep again at around 10ish, and I groggily woke without my glasses to march to the kitchen to make her some milk.

When I got back, she was a picture of serenity as she indulged in more sleep.

I put the bottle into the warmer(I managed to locate it with ease without my eyes opened) and placed it right next to the bed.

I managed another hour of sleep before she was wide awake, hankering for attention.

I carried her to the hall, changed her diaper, and got her back into the cot where she had her first milk feed for the day.

-The opportunity was greatly utilised with a quick trip to the loo, brushing of teeth, washing of face, slapping on toner, piling on moisturiser, stretch marks cream…-

-Finishes milks, Mummy picks up milk bottle-

She napped around 12ish, and I tried to get more sleep too.

Nope, didn’t happen with all those things going on in my head.

So I took the chance to mop the floor, clean the tables, down 2 glasses of water, boil somemore water, get her fresh drinking water(while plotting to force water down her), wash her bottle, clear the trash and bug some people… and then, I made her porridge. Email. Work(Great. When the person is finally contacted, she refers me to yet another part of the chain. Grr..).

Even my mum’s stuff too.

Now, I will try to steal some time and make some more calls.

And she melts my heart, whenever I look at how she tosses and turns in her sleep, before finally finding the position to burrow her head into.

Gee, maybe I can pluck my armpit hair. Heh.

Out!

I finally finished it.

I went to tuck myself in bed after carrying her into hers.

I could see the morning lights seeping in…

And then, I suddenly just teared.

I am not sure if it is relief, or disappointment.

I finally done it. All by myself. Without the intended help I wanted to get, without the encouragements I used to have.

From aimless, to self-doubt, to helplessness, to do or die.

I told someone few days ago, to me, it isn’t about getting it, or not. It is about the process, piecing myself back together. To somehow find it within me, to break out of it.

The process.

It is not about me not needing anyone. It is about me… to find something within myself.

I always do with with companions, with coaching, with people, with encouragement, with help in a form or another(okay, babysitting doesn’t count. Thank you, once again).

I tried asking. But my ideas in mind can’t form into words as I am becoming lousy with verbalising and there was nothing much that could be helped.

Maybe it was a test. That.. somehow, the Greater Power agreed that I must be pushed.

It is not great. I still can’t get much out of my head, and at this time, coupled with a badly exhausted body and mind, and my inability to express… it is no good.

It is not long. But I see pictures in my head, and I know I have done, in a way, to my best that I could squeeze out of myself.

And with that thought in my mind, I just can’t stop tearing.

I was scared. The anxiety must be the culprit why I talked so much last night.

I was scared. I am scared. When I received the email, I cried. It was a feeling of isolation of having no one to turn to.

Now. It is the same feeling of isolation. Like a frightened child not wanting to make a wrong step out, and that every painting drawn will be deemed ugly.

And now, even with completion. It is becoming like a love letter I am refusing to send out.

Suggested by a friend(?).

Today has been challenging.

Whilst trying to get in touch with suppliers and pressing for replies without getting my flickering phone grabbed, had proven to be a daunting task.

My phone is like a faulty fluorescent lamp, after drenching in her drool for 3 straight days. And its scarlet hue seems to be her favourite too.

It is a vast improvement what my phone can still do after it had went haywire, launching into all functions by itself just 2 days before.

It even started taking pictures with ka cha ka cha ringing in the middle of the night.

She wouldn’t let me to my work, and despite the rain, I had to call for SOS so someone could ‘babysit’ her for me whilst I stay in my room to brainstorm, take the measuring tape to measure, do calculations and call up people.

I only managed to get it half done and thought my time has come when the lil one finally fell asleep at half past 12.

But no.. any tiny ruckus will stir her, and the monitor light is too bright for her too.

So I had to play asleep whilst I waited for her to finally sleep.

But nooooooooooooooo, for the past hour, she had been crying in her sleep and I had to carry her up, and held her in my arms as she leaned on my chest so she would go back to sleep.

Now, she conquers my bed, and it will be the first time in a long while she shares mine.

I have to rush something but had thought of giving up doing so, until the silly idea of covering the duvet over my head, together with the monitor was thrown in.

I laughed at the silliness, but look where it has got me to.

My face is blinded by the closeness of the monitor, and my neck is straining to hold up the duvet’s weight.

Now, back to rushing my work.

I hope I have the energy to take care of her tomorrow.

I thought. That was why.

But I was proven otherwise.

Denial. Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe. Just maybe. Even the smallest maybe.

What was my expected reaction? No reaction.  I am supposed to be a rag doll to anyone. I am supposed to be void of any reactions. No fuss. No trouble. No… whatever. I am not a barbie doll, I ain’t supposed to have.. you know, a smirk, nor a smile.

I know. I already did.

That’s how the story goes.

Don’t know? Hurhur. Unlikely. Don’t know again. Ah. I see. Blatant to see.

Maybe it was just an underhanded method. I was there. Which? Where? Oh. Careful, not there, you thought. Just in case, you thought.

Lose me.

Maybe to make it easier.

I should just say how happy I am to see everyone being screwed so miserably.

I am, really.

And I know, it is easy for you guys to believe.

Hurhur.

And I am exhilarated to lose friends. Woohoo! It is the greatest feeling in the world. To chuck away friends whose eyes you have no place in.

I am, really.

And I know, you would go “ah ha! I knew it!”.

Cos it is easier to read what you want to read, to know what you want to know, to see what you want to see.

Oh. And there’s the cousin there.

And I am feeling just thrilled to see everyone where they are.

And I am feeling just so satisfied how tormented they are.

And I am so disappointed it didn’t make anyone hate me enough to stab me.

Hurhurhur.

I am happy. I really am.