So what now?

I cut off all ties with everyone I know.

I stopped talking to everyone I know.

I stayed home and not head anywhere.

And now you called me to “accuse” me. And that’s the only reason why you would call me for.

Please. I don’t leech to you and I stayed away. And now? Do I really need all these humiliations?

Really.

You made your choice and it is like my “fault” for them not to believe in you.

And that has something to do with me? Or that I have spoken to them?

Maybe it is not about what I want.

It is now about what YOU want, and what THEY WANT.

So now, whatever I do is not enough, apparently.

Stop that. Really. Stop that.

So what more do you guys want? WHAT MORE?!?!

Can you just spare me with whatever bare traces of dignity?

Because, with all these coming down, I am just not sure how much more I can take.

And it will come to a point that I will not give the respect to everyone which I ain’t getting.

Who and what the fuck do you guys take me for?

For all that humiliation? For all that insults?

Maybe not in your eyes, but those words said were evident.

I missed a curtain contractor’s calls at 2.35pm. I didn’t forget that he said he would be here anytime between 2pm to 4pm.

I sprung up from bed to search for my phone and then saw the missed calls.

I muttered an “oh shit” and frantically called him back.

He appeared at my doorstep and I was terribly apologetic.

“You know huh, please, I have another meeting to go for. You are not the only appointment. I was really seriously thinking if I should do it for you, you know? Please la, answer your phone. And really, you should get a life.”

It wasn’t what I had expected after I knew it wasn’t a good start to a Monday, which saw me being awake at 9am and had a teary start to the day.

As much as I tried to calm myself and bit my lower lip down to say “That was uncalled for, and if I knew getting your help means humiliation for me, I wouldn’t have done it. You could very well leave, really. No, fuck off, I mean.”

But I didn’t.

All I did was hide into my room and started crying even more.

Whatever impressions he had of me must be what I think it is.

And just when I thought it couldn’t be any worse.

I was dealt with another slap across my face.

It got to a point that I wasn’t even trying to hide it in front of the contractor’s girlfriend who was trying to round off the situation.

And then another slap.

And then another slap.

Whoever said I should get out of it should be slapped.

Because when I want to get out of it, someone would just be down even further.

And now, I really don’t want to ever come out anymore.

And to think I was speaking so greatly about my cousin to my dad and how he should engage his services. No, I don’t think he owe me anything because I engage his services, just like I don’t think he should think I owe him anything, and I expected some form of respect like I would suppose he does too.