I thought. That was why.

But I was proven otherwise.

Denial. Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe. Just maybe. Even the smallest maybe.

What was my expected reaction? No reaction.  I am supposed to be a rag doll to anyone. I am supposed to be void of any reactions. No fuss. No trouble. No… whatever. I am not a barbie doll, I ain’t supposed to have.. you know, a smirk, nor a smile.

I know. I already did.

That’s how the story goes.

Don’t know? Hurhur. Unlikely. Don’t know again. Ah. I see. Blatant to see.

Maybe it was just an underhanded method. I was there. Which? Where? Oh. Careful, not there, you thought. Just in case, you thought.

Lose me.

Maybe to make it easier.

I should just say how happy I am to see everyone being screwed so miserably.

I am, really.

And I know, it is easy for you guys to believe.

Hurhur.

And I am exhilarated to lose friends. Woohoo! It is the greatest feeling in the world. To chuck away friends whose eyes you have no place in.

I am, really.

And I know, you would go “ah ha! I knew it!”.

Cos it is easier to read what you want to read, to know what you want to know, to see what you want to see.

Oh. And there’s the cousin there.

And I am feeling just thrilled to see everyone where they are.

And I am feeling just so satisfied how tormented they are.

And I am so disappointed it didn’t make anyone hate me enough to stab me.

Hurhurhur.

I am happy. I really am.

Today has been an incredibly interesting day.

The tear ducts went into overdrive as I tried to pop in contact lens, and I found myself blinded by the pain and sting.

And it just started a very long day of.. revelations, amidst the tears.

And then, the other sides, emerged.

Sometimes, I wish my intuition doesn’t burden me with that much questions and answers, because my quests for them, are often unpleasant.

Then again, the resignation I have within me, is not something I should, and I can blog about, simply because, this is the best I deserve.

Don’t try to convince me otherwise, cos simply, most of you don’t know me. At least not the ugly me I have tried to hide, yet so much want to rip it open so I could seal my fate.

***

It has been an amazingly beautiful day. In a very warped sense.

Towards the end, all the good hearts around me made me bawled.

Cos I don’t feel that I deserved any of that.

When I had headed towards the cab at the end of the night, I was slightly disgruntled when the driver refused to drive up to the pavement, and had made us walk towards his cab.

He stayed in the cab and not moved.

I wouldn’t have mind if I didn’t have Minibean in my arms and Eileen Ong was helping me with the bag and the pram.

As she helped to put my bag into the seat, I tried to juggle Minibean in one arm, folded the pram with my knees and used my free arm to lever it into the boot.

Most uncles would help, but not him.

I wasn’t needy, but I was feeling kinda guilty from the girls’ help for the night, and I was very grateful to Eileen as she offered her assistance just before we went off.

I got on the cab and the uncle didn’t seem too friendly.

I asked him to take the PIE, up Bukit Timah, and he didn’t respond to me even though he did exactly what I asked.

As it approached King Albert’s Park, I started to dig for the fare as Minibean was slowly drifting into a deep sleep and I didn’t want to rouse her when we reach.

To my absolute horror, I realised I didn’t have enough change, cos I had mistaken the 15 ringgits to be Singapore dollars.

I only had 12 bucks case with me and I know the midnight charge is definitely to be at least 15 bucks from Orchard. And with that part of Orchard, it was likely to be more.

I asked uncle to stop and I was terrified of his reaction.

He asked why and I told him I didn’t have enough, and since he isn’t from one of those companies with Credit Card payment, I couldn’t quite pay him in full if he goes the distance.

He told me he couldn’t allow that to happen, and I could just tell him. He told me it is okay I don’t have enough, and what if I get into trouble if he left me there. Though it wouldn’t be any trouble since it was a 24 hour fast food joint, and I could have just hopped on another cab.

By then, cab fare was 9 plus and jumping.

He didn’t stop and he drove on up the expressway.

His niceness took me by surprise, and I wept.

I wept as I held Minibean close to me, and she was jolted awake to my sudden display of emotion.

It is the 2nd time she saw me cry. And I am not proud of it.

I started to dig out every single coin that I had, and separated the Malaysia currency from the Singapore ones.

The end fare was 14.70, and I had 13.70.

I asked uncle if he wanted the ringgit in between my uncontrollable tears, and he asked me to keep it for myself as he got out of the cab to help me unload the pram, and told me to pay him whatever I could.

My eyes were too blurry to read his name. I told him it wasn’t an easy day, but I am thankful how he made my night.

I wouldn’t have expected that out of him, yet he surprised me.

He said “take care”, before he hopped on his cab, and drove off until I had entered the lobby door, pressed for the lift, and finally, entering the lift.

I couldn’t stop tearing as I entered the door to the quiet home.

***

I nearly slapped Minibean today.

Or rather, the thoughts crossed my mind.

Now I understand why my friends, some of them the best parents I have seen, had told me how it had happened to them, even however unlikely it could be, or it seemed to me in the past.

I remembered one friend told me how much anguish he had when his girl wouldn’t stop crying and he had to kill the urge to slap her. After that episode, he convinced me to believe all babies cry.

Few months ago a friend asked me if I ever had the urge to slap Minibean, and I seriously considered the toughest of time I had with her, and I gleefully and honestly said no.

I told him, the thought had not crossed, not yet. I was being realistic after how everyone told me it would somehow in one way or another, happen.

And it finally did, today.

Babies cry for whatever reasons. Fear. Attention. Discomfort. Sometimes, maybe just for the frustration of their inabilities to communicate.

I left her in the cot today, and I think she might have wanted to head out. Or maybe just the need for some attention.

She wanted to play “Fetch” as she threw all her stuff out and screamed at me to pick up for her.

Everytime I picked them up, she would throw again.

I couldn’t give in to her as I was trying to establish some contacts for a proposal, and the constant delays that came in was making me somewhat frustrated. I was trying to get everything together as I head out to town in the afternoon. The preparations are always extensive.

She stubbornly wouldn’t stop wailing and it was a contest to see who give in first.

She didn’t want to let go of my phone, and it was in a drool-y mess, and its function screwed as I tried to operate it again.

Its screen were into dying stage…

And she was still crying.

I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to cry together with her. My reasonings with her didn’t work. Neither did my soothing.. and I eventually asked her, “What do you want????”.

She stood at the side of the cot screaming at me with tears streaking down. And everything seemed to come crashing down as I suddenly felt so useless. And it was as if her wails fuelled all those helplessness, and further telling me what a bad mum I was.

That was when the urge to slap her to shut her up came in.

I reached my hands out to her, and I carried her up into my arms, and kissed her.

I hugged her tight and prayed she would stop crying, and I just didn’t want to fake the babytalk with all my might anymore.

At that moment, I had hoped she would just feel me, and just.. stop crying as I cuddled her tight.

It seemed to work miracles and… she stopped.

As if breaking the ice, and thankful that it worked, I found the confidence within me to make her laugh. As if lovers patching up, I sulked and tickled her and she broke into fits of giggles and I held her close, thankful that I didn’t do anything I would later regret.

It is always just a matter of split-seconds, they say. Especially for people who often bring their emotions from adult lives back home.

I know some people might be horrified to hear this from a single-mum, and could not reconcile with this, but I am just painting a very real picture of parenthood in whole.

It is like an urge to scold someone back when he insults you. Some people curb it, some people don’t.

Many parents will feel the dread and frustration very early, cos of the constant waking ups in the first couple of months, but I was just lucky that I was well-prepared for that and it was a breeze despite the awkward hours.

Maybe, I am just not well-prepared for this transition. Not when so many things are happening, or rather, not happening.

The difference is, identifying and choosing an alternative, than giving in to a thought.

***

She is getting curious, and getting really active. So much so that I wish I am still a teenager as it becomes really physically demanding.

***

And it was one of the sweetest days I have ever spent with her.

I carried her and headed to take a cab to town, I wanted to feed her porridge so we ended up at Crystal Jade.

The journey wasn’t an easy one. I was totally feeling lost as I alighted. Feeling totally alienated. I was tearing as I pushed her pram down the slope.

I so shouldn’t have put mascara today.

It was an overwhelmed feeling. The other side of the story for this is, a simple one.

I don’t have to know it to see it. I don’t have to see it to know it either.

***

Someone bought me a book today. The kindness is so much appreciated though… my reaction might not have display so.

The Zahir. I would love to start on it now, but Minibean’s presence means no lights on - Baby snoozing.

Maybe I didn’t think I deserve such kindness from someone so random.

The numbers. The pictures. Thank you. Really.

And I think that’s the precise reason why I tend to drift away people who have been so nice to me.

I simple, grew afraid.

I want to, hide away.

***

I always have this fear of going to town. From the days of my low self-esteem in early 2000s, to the painful days last year, it seems to bring back so much memories and fears that I find hard to reconcile with.

I braved Orchard today.

And of course, every step out, will always meet with some kind of force, to be pushed back into the box.

I was tearing even during lunch.

But I spent great time with her, seeing her so happy with all the attention.

I fed her porridge, and felt great sense of achievement that she was drinking lotsa water thereafter.

She was happily pulling stuff off the shelves, and I tried not to bring her near chinaware.

I braved the escalator(2 storeys one!) with her in one arm, bag on the other shoulder, and pram in hand.

I even brought her to Strip and the staff loved her as they played with her as I did my waxing.

She was so happy to see me and sprung right onto me as I walked towards her.

We walked around Borders before we walked down Orchard to get myself a belt before my jeans fall to my ankles.

She had a little nap as we crossed to the other side of Orchard, down Wisma and towards Takashimaya.

I teared again.

I know not what.

Crossed over. A friend who wasn’t feeling too well messaged me too.

As I replied to a few of her messages, my tearducts went into overdrive. Stupid mascara. I looked like a ghost most of the day.

I hope you are feeling better already.

***

Met up with Wenmei and we headed to Paragon for dinner at Bakerzin with Eileens and Roumin.

Minibean was so happy with all the hype around town, and she was just too happy to explore the new places, and people as Mummy smothers her with plenty of kisses.

She was bored and I brought her to walk around the shops upstairs, and gee, *waves to Lynn cheh cheh* someone asked if she was Minibean! I think she was feeling totally honoured to be recognised and she was all smiley and friendly. Very excited too.

So much so she was refusing to let go of the escalator handle as we ventured down to join the girls.

It was very nice seeing you.

***

We even went to Karaoke after that.

She loved it. She was pinching my fats so much that I have scratch marks all over my tummy now.

She was just leaning close to me, smiling at me, looking at me for most of the karaoke, though after her nap she was totally active.

I was outside with Eileen when she was napping, and it was just bad that my ex-colleague saw me in a wrecked state.

I went back and she was awake, and was happy to see me too.

I fed her fruits hoping she would poo. It must be a great coincidence that less than half an hour later, one MTV with a guy sitting on the toilet bowl came on, and Minibean pooed.

She was putting up a great fight as we pinned her down, spread her legs, and tried to clean her up.

Thanks girlies for all the patience tonight though I know an active baby is a pretty new addition and needs a bit of getting used to.

And I think her bag fetish is very much roused.

And I know you girls meant very well when you all insisted I didn’t sing much and split the cost amongst you four.

I really, really, enjoyed the much-needed company.

***

I got back home and I know she might feel a little scared if I wasn’t right by her side.

Normally I would put her in her cot and let her wail as I do a quick shower.

But today, not sure if it was the guilt of the anger towards her earlier on, or that she had been an incredibly awesome company that, I didn’t really want to let her out of my sight.

I brought her into the shower room and put her at the side of the bathtub. She stood there, held closely to the tub as I showered, careful not to drip water on her.

She watched and she giggled, laughed and made faces at me as she watched me shower.

I sang, babytalked to her, as I washed my hair, conditioned it, and did a quick body wash.

I scooped her up after I dried myself and changed her into her PJs.

I cradled her, sang her twinkle twinkle little star, with her baby pillow tug under her chin.

I heard her yawn, gave her a goodnight kiss, and placed her in her cot.

Finally, I had the time to clean her bottles, emptied the very messy bag, put her dirty laundry aside, and prepared for tomorrow’s day out.

I blew dry my hair and just wanted to record this day.

How devastating it was, and how… amazing she had made it to be.

And of course, not forgetting you guys.

And if I can just say it, I am sorry for many things.

For, the other sides of the stories, that I had assumed or made to believe, and didn’t turn out to be.