Woohoo.

She cried in her sleep again at around 10ish, and I groggily woke without my glasses to march to the kitchen to make her some milk.

When I got back, she was a picture of serenity as she indulged in more sleep.

I put the bottle into the warmer(I managed to locate it with ease without my eyes opened) and placed it right next to the bed.

I managed another hour of sleep before she was wide awake, hankering for attention.

I carried her to the hall, changed her diaper, and got her back into the cot where she had her first milk feed for the day.

-The opportunity was greatly utilised with a quick trip to the loo, brushing of teeth, washing of face, slapping on toner, piling on moisturiser, stretch marks cream…-

-Finishes milks, Mummy picks up milk bottle-

She napped around 12ish, and I tried to get more sleep too.

Nope, didn’t happen with all those things going on in my head.

So I took the chance to mop the floor, clean the tables, down 2 glasses of water, boil somemore water, get her fresh drinking water(while plotting to force water down her), wash her bottle, clear the trash and bug some people… and then, I made her porridge. Email. Work(Great. When the person is finally contacted, she refers me to yet another part of the chain. Grr..).

Even my mum’s stuff too.

Now, I will try to steal some time and make some more calls.

And she melts my heart, whenever I look at how she tosses and turns in her sleep, before finally finding the position to burrow her head into.

Gee, maybe I can pluck my armpit hair. Heh.

Out!

I finally finished it.

I went to tuck myself in bed after carrying her into hers.

I could see the morning lights seeping in…

And then, I suddenly just teared.

I am not sure if it is relief, or disappointment.

I finally done it. All by myself. Without the intended help I wanted to get, without the encouragements I used to have.

From aimless, to self-doubt, to helplessness, to do or die.

I told someone few days ago, to me, it isn’t about getting it, or not. It is about the process, piecing myself back together. To somehow find it within me, to break out of it.

The process.

It is not about me not needing anyone. It is about me… to find something within myself.

I always do with with companions, with coaching, with people, with encouragement, with help in a form or another(okay, babysitting doesn’t count. Thank you, once again).

I tried asking. But my ideas in mind can’t form into words as I am becoming lousy with verbalising and there was nothing much that could be helped.

Maybe it was a test. That.. somehow, the Greater Power agreed that I must be pushed.

It is not great. I still can’t get much out of my head, and at this time, coupled with a badly exhausted body and mind, and my inability to express… it is no good.

It is not long. But I see pictures in my head, and I know I have done, in a way, to my best that I could squeeze out of myself.

And with that thought in my mind, I just can’t stop tearing.

I was scared. The anxiety must be the culprit why I talked so much last night.

I was scared. I am scared. When I received the email, I cried. It was a feeling of isolation of having no one to turn to.

Now. It is the same feeling of isolation. Like a frightened child not wanting to make a wrong step out, and that every painting drawn will be deemed ugly.

And now, even with completion. It is becoming like a love letter I am refusing to send out.

Suggested by a friend(?).

Today has been challenging.

Whilst trying to get in touch with suppliers and pressing for replies without getting my flickering phone grabbed, had proven to be a daunting task.

My phone is like a faulty fluorescent lamp, after drenching in her drool for 3 straight days. And its scarlet hue seems to be her favourite too.

It is a vast improvement what my phone can still do after it had went haywire, launching into all functions by itself just 2 days before.

It even started taking pictures with ka cha ka cha ringing in the middle of the night.

She wouldn’t let me to my work, and despite the rain, I had to call for SOS so someone could ‘babysit’ her for me whilst I stay in my room to brainstorm, take the measuring tape to measure, do calculations and call up people.

I only managed to get it half done and thought my time has come when the lil one finally fell asleep at half past 12.

But no.. any tiny ruckus will stir her, and the monitor light is too bright for her too.

So I had to play asleep whilst I waited for her to finally sleep.

But nooooooooooooooo, for the past hour, she had been crying in her sleep and I had to carry her up, and held her in my arms as she leaned on my chest so she would go back to sleep.

Now, she conquers my bed, and it will be the first time in a long while she shares mine.

I have to rush something but had thought of giving up doing so, until the silly idea of covering the duvet over my head, together with the monitor was thrown in.

I laughed at the silliness, but look where it has got me to.

My face is blinded by the closeness of the monitor, and my neck is straining to hold up the duvet’s weight.

Now, back to rushing my work.

I hope I have the energy to take care of her tomorrow.