I am actually crying myself silly right now.

Right after breakfast.

I feel so silly.

And it is out of nowhere.

So scary.

I think it is such an incredible year.

It really is.

I am still standing strong after 28 hours! Which includes a long trip to Punggol for work in the hot and humid weather for 9 hours(poor feet).

And then, going to Plaza Singapura in the rain.

And then waiting for the girls to finish pedicure.

And then getting scare the wits out of me(I hate loud sounds!) while watching I am Legend. My 2 companions have bruised arms now.

And then dropping by a friend’s place for one of my companions to pick up his books.

And then supper. Supper which lasted for… 4 hours.

And then phone call which lasted… 4 hours. I think I found myself a new, nice friend.

And now I am on another call.

I wish you well, I really do.

I am half contemplating of not going anywhere and just sleep through new year. I have this feeling I am so gonna sleep past 1am if I sleep now…

I have shit loads of pictures to be uploaded.

And if I stop going out and reaching home at 6.30am, I might just have a chance of loading them and blabber all the things that had happened in the past 2 weeks.

Uhm.

Oh.

I think I do enjoy having nice chats over drinks(coffeeshop drinks) into the night, rather than be showered with plenty of affections.

It was a night of Transformers talk.. which ended up to a form of obsession. Giggles.

I watched movie today. I er, did a job today. I er, pretty much was confused today. When I thought I was like all alone in town, everyone is everywhere!

I have been awake for 24 hours and I still feel like I don’t need to sleep.

Can someone remind me to blog bout today(which is actually yesterday).

Okay.

Night.

This is usually the time I would sleep, but I am actually up at this hour. And I was woken up by a single, silent, beep.

And since I woke up till now, I have uploaded pictures to facebook, tagged my friends, and even surfed a little.

Now, I am even blogging. I have not even put on make up.

I have packed. I think I am going to be freaking stoned for the day.

Oh dear.

And if you think I am going to be late, it’s not me. I am still waiting for my delayed ride.

I mishhhh potato so much! She now really looks like potato cos she is covered in pox marks.

I skipped a party(and the chance to meet cuties) to join her and the girlies for dinner, before we ended up at JD’s place for mahjong therapy.

My phone didn’t survive half the night before the battery went died on me.

Luckily beloved JD has Motorola charger.

I am so not going to survive tomorrow judging from the time now, since I probably have to wake up in less than 4 hours time.

Oh.

I feel warm and fuzzy again today.

Which… is not exactly a good thing, you know?

Sometimes, I wonder if I really do enjoy dating. It is such a double-edge sword at times.

Sometimes, maybe all I want, is just a solid friendship, where people bother to find out who I am, which I sorely miss, this year.

This year, has been amazing.

I look back and am glad I found my closure as it draws to a close.

It is nice to be gigglish again, but then again, I am not sure if I am exactly glad where all these are heading.

And then the number 1 sign I ain’t ready for dating - I gave the wrong number again!!!!

And it happened after the last time when I gave someone I had a crush on, the wrong number when he was in Singapore for just a day. Thank God for MSN, or else I would have missed meeting up with him(the previous crush).

And… I DID IT AGAIN?! I was delirious(still semi-sleeping) when I saw the message and I called back, and made an utter embarrassment of myself when I just slurred through the conversation.

I. So. Shouldn’t. Have. Done. That.

His friend called me up to tell me what a booboo I made. But.. it’s just so typical me lah.

Oh. I will be at Punggol tomorrow selling lubricants.

I know what you are thinking but it really isn’t what you are thinking.

Think cars, engines and there you have it.

I always thought I am the sort who needs a bit of jealousy in a relationship to justify the fact that I am wanted.

And then, I realise not.

And then, I realise I don’t need anyone in my life to tell me what to do, to try to control me.

Because, I have gotten used to not being so.

And then, I know not what had gotten to me. And then, I grew fucking afraid.

It is scary.

Almost stifling and exasperating.

And then, I realise I really don’t like it.

Oh.

Be still my heart.

My heart pom pom tiao, you know?

Oh shit.

Pom pom tiao a lot you know?

Oh my God. I am giggling like a school girl and feel like banging my head on the wall.

Be strong my heart. Be still.

Christmas day was nothing to shout about. It really was boring.

I mean. I stayed awake reading/watching programs/talking/SMSing on the phone till it was 6.18am(the earliest I have slept in a looooooooong while), and then I told myself I would make an effort to wake up early on Christmas day.

I didn’t, and it was good I didn’t, since there really wasn’t anything for me to do.

I woke up around 4.30pm, and I was still very much feeling the fatigue. I fell asleep at slightly after 7pm, and only woke up at 9.30pm.

My body clock is so screwed that it is hardly funny.

Now, I had wanted to come home and rest enough for my appointment this afternoon, and I am actually blogging. In time for the breakfast Daddy bought. I hope he did buy something.

***

So left with no particular itinery for the night, I… I… went for a date.

Yeah, I guess you can classify it as a date. I think.

We watched Elizabeth, though I was quite sure my date was pretty bored with the choice. I liked it, and I am sure not many people would.

Orchard Road was pretty with the lights and happy people, yet I didn’t feel as if I was part of all these razzle dazzle.

It was then watching Mr and Mrs Smith on DVD. Brat Pitt AND Angelina are just so hot.

***

I am not sure what is it, but something about you scares me.

It is just something hidden behind all those smiles and affections, some kind of coldness and distance that are not plain to see.

That you are so capable of walking away. That you are so capable of being, cold. That you are so capable of misconstruing what I say and say something hurting in return. Meaning it, or not.

I am not entirely comfortable yet, and I am not sure if I ever would.

It is still enough, but not enough.

***

What is it with guys and the way the see girls as, say, ‘leftovers’?

Maybe it was just a mindless expression, but isn’t it sad that we girls are often seen as ‘leftovers’?

Too bad. Cos honestly, the “he got my ex-girlfriend”, “he tried to court my ex-girlfriend but he chose me over him”, thingy just sounds so.. rude and juvenile.

The world, and especially Singapore, is only this small, you could say something about this person, but one day, this person would very likely say the same thing back to you.

And then, it is funny how back then there must be a point some guys go “he was the next guy after me and I bore a grudge against him”, but after many years, it became “he has gotten my leftovers”.

Don’t get me wrong, just that recently with the realisation of how small the world actually is, it prompted me to see how big egos really are.

***

I have always been more of a sensitive person.

Especially with recent episodes in my life where people tend to.. well, be less understanding than usual.

I am always fearful and afraid of.. I don’t know, saying the wrong stuff.

Sometimes it is just bad that when you are building barriers to stop communicating, the moment you shed them, the alarm bells start ringing with one misconstrued sentence after another.

And then you get fucking scared. And I mean, really, seriously, fucking scared.

It is just sad that the only sentence I managed to catch, and the only sentence that made a fucking impression, and the only sentence that registered in bold red, was the one about “wasting time”.

“I don’t want to be wasting your time, or even wasting my time.”

I didn’t realise dating, or trying to get to know someone, even as a friend, or hanging out with a friend, is a waste of time.

That was, honestly, quite ouchie. I don’t care in what context it was in, but it was, well, simply ouch.

Maybe I should just stick to my friends, and stay closely beside the mahjong table, where I would be a much-valued companion, and no matter how many rounds, it will be quality time well spent.

I have no idea how many Christmases this blog has seen me through, but I am just glad to realise how great this year’s is.

It was just a simple affair of mahjong with the 2 girlies, but somehow, it was good for me.

It is amazing it was one of the earliest night I had reached home in quite a while(with the exceptional of last night when it was over at my place), and yet I am incredibly energetic. I would have made my way to Zouk if not I had felt too insecure in my glasses, slippers, and totally naked face.

I want to wish you a joyous and blessed Christmas. No matter who you are. Especially if I am not there to say it to you personally for one reason or another, this year.

I ventured into the seams of the warzone today, for a last minute shopping spree. I ended buying something for myself, to give myself a pat on the back for surviving this year, in particular.

I felt good buying things for people I adore. And DFS galleria is absolutely evil. Like, seriously.

I didn’t buy much this year, but those were all I needed to buy.

I didn’t get much this year, but those were all I need.

Thank you.  For the speakers. They make me happy. And they are happily blasting away at such early hours. I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but can I put my woofer on my CPU? I mean, you know.. the vibrations…?

Okay. That was so asking for the bimbo police.

Thank you.  For the bag. As much as I know it was your intolerance to my ‘mothering’ bag that prompted the choice. I like it, and thanks for the thought.

Thank you. For always been so sweet and thoughtful around us, and that scarlet thingy that matched the colour I adore. The one, that embodies passion. I wish you well.

Thank you. For the personalised “Ting”. I love it. I will make a mental note not to scratch such a lovely piece.

Thank you. “Heavy Petting Allowed” tee, which suits the inner slut in me so aptly. Laughs. And thank you, for all the efforts you made just to get me out of my shell.

Thank you.

Thank you, whoever you are, whose present I chose out of the pile under the Christmas tree.

Thank you, God. For always looking after me. For the times I wandered off and stubbornly relied on myself when it is You I should seek.

Thank you girls, for being there, to be the firsts for me to say Merry Christmas to.

And you, Potato. Your present is with me. I had wanted to call if you were home so I could drop it off. But I hope you have a great chickeny poxy Merry Christmas. We missed you badly.

I was deep into my isolation last night, and as I walked down the dazzling Orchard earlier tonight, I felt the sudden dread of being in a sea of people.

I don’t ask for much, really.

And such a quiet day, is closer to the hearts, than so much others I had.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Last year, I couldn’t wait to head out with Minibean after all those days of being confined to my room. Confinement, is, really, confinement.

This year, I almost didn’t realise it is already Christmas Eve.

And I can’t wait to stay home to watch movies/CSIs, and just chill the night away. Without people.

Isn’t it amazing how fast I am sinking back into my recluse world? After only 3 straight days of constant partyin’.

Maybe I just need recharging. Maybe I have chosen the wrong day not to put my heart and soul, and plenty of energy into my thoughts.

No, not that I am feeling down. I feel kinda peaceful and great actually, but I manage to block out so much, and enough to just feel comfortable in my own company without thinking so much.

***

I played mahjong last night. It was only me and FF when it all started.

We started early with some really nice chaps(Ti-En, Melvin and Keith were great company) coming over, bringing lotsa yummy food for us for dinner.

I think we pretty much scare them off, when our mahjong language came out, and our very flowery expressions made some serious impressions.

JD joined us at 10 plus, and it was 3 legged mahjong again. We have another new 4th player to wrap up the night, and it was one of the earliest end to a session of mahjong in a long, long while.

I had some time to myself and I did some cleaning up before just… keeping my computer company. I bet it felt so neglected.

I am pretty much running out of things to say.

Since this post is sorely lack of zest, I shall end it with a very monotonous… Have a great Christmas eve everyone, and bask in the delight of having your loved ones around you.

I love Christmas, I really do.