Did you, and will you, ever like me for me?

***

Remember when we were young
How you asked everyone to marry you
All of those songs we sung
Changing all the words you used to make the heroine die
Why?

Remember when we were right
God threw his darts at stars in the night
I had a kite
You had a trampoline and a BMX bike
You didn’t even like

I don’t want to say it’s breaking my heart
And I don’t know where to start
Old friends are falling apart
Time like the name of a man
Covered and we both can whine
I miss the straight, straight lines

The old times

Remember when we got caught
Dirty hands and make-believe drugs
We never got
Give me all your money
Bank robbers and cowboy cops
Make-believe rocks

Remember when we held hands
Red rover and marching band
You had a tan
Staying outside that long’s gonna make you man
Never going back, never going back again

I don’t want to say it’s breaking my heart
And I don’t know where to start
Old friends are falling apart
Time like the name of a man
Covered and we both can whine
I miss the straight, straight lines

The old times
The old times
Remember when we were young
Remember when we were young

***

This song reminds me of what I used to be. And I miss that part of me.

And today, as I type this, and as I feel a surge of wanderlust, I feel the tears brimming…..

I can’t believe how my eagerness to just, run, hide, and escape, is pushing me to the edge.

I just want to leave this place.

If I had the courage, and of course, the moolah, I would have bought a one-way ticket to somewhere.

Somewhere. Anywhere.

Somewhere. I want to go somewhere.

And as I stare despondently at my passport, it is just sad that perhaps, I would never be anywhere.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

You know, sometimes I believe I could make do with much lesser drama in my life.

But naaaahh-uh! -wags finger divaliciously- My life is just so not destined to be so.

I mean, like, fucking seriously! I am like, fucking bemused, and then, amused.

It was so bizarre that I was laughing after the realisation hit me.

And you thought a dinner with the family before they head back to Malaysia which ended with a work call coming in is hardly exciting.

***

Dad dropped me off at the lobby after dinner, and a work call came in.

Since I didn’t want to get cut off, I walked into the letter-box area where the notice board was at, and then I remembered that I lost my bunch of keys just days before and I didn’t have the key with me.

And then I remembered Dad had brought the mails up earlier today. And yes, my realisation hit me late these days.

I stared at the board for updates, and then one of the notes distracted me.

“What an idiotic man! You are! Evil! Black-hearted! Ridiculous! Black-hearted! No compassion!”

Woohoo! A fight amongst the neighbours? I didn’t quite understand what was going on and with questions being thrown to me over the phone, I was hardly thinking.

But I vaguely remembering my blogging instinct to take a picture of this so I could later blog about how people these days are arguing via notes, and how interesting it is, even though I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea what was going on.

Apparently, there was another note, which prompted such a reply from another resident.

As more questions were thrown to me over the phone, I started to roam my eyes over to the other note, which apparently spoke of a Chinese lady blarblarblar…

I thought it was a petty note and freaking hilarious, and as I was concentrating hard on the call, I made a mental note that maybe I should just take a picture of it just to blog about it.

Then, came 2 secondary school girls, and the notes got them talking. One of them got worked up and expressed how much she wanted to remove the 2 notes cos they were just being totally silly. I silently wished they didn’t so I could take a picture of it to post on my blog.
I went over to re-read the note again when they left.

MON 21.01.08 6.25PM

I WAS ENTERING, SHE WAS EXITING(A CHINESE WOMAN CRADLING AN INFANT).

INSTEAD OF CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND ME, I HELD OPEN THE DOOR AND WAITED FOR HER.

WITHOUT A WORD OF APPRECIATION, SHE WALKED PAST ME TO THE DARK-COLOURED WAITING HONDA.

F–CKING BITCH. I HOPE YOU DROP YOUR INFANT!!

Tsk tsk. So evil.

Then as more questions were posted to me over the call, I started thinking how I would react if I were the Chinese lady in the note. I had associated the lady to… you know, from China, and was perhaps targeted unfairly.

I was gladly pleased that I have always thanked the people who held doors open for me, and then… kinda relieved to remember Dad drives a light-coloured Honda.

Then, something didn’t feel quite right.

I took a picture of the note with my phone and ended the work call.

I thought I would take a picture of the note with my camera and then I scrolled through my camera…….

And I saw this picture.

See the date? See the time? See the…. place?

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

My parents were heading out with Minibean, and I was heading out for dinner/mahjong with the guys.

And then I remembered!

Uncle Keith drives a dark-coloured Honda and picked me up that day before we rushed to pick FF up!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the Fucking Bitch!

And it is MY BABY, MINIBEAN, THE ABSOLUTE CUTENESS THAT CAME FROM BETWEEN MY LEGS WHO WAS CURSED IN THE NOTE!

And I remembered the guy who stood there for the longest time and I nodded and smiled at him. I even remember how he looks like.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I was so slow to realise it was me. I re-read it at least 5 times before I associated the person to be, yours truly. Giggles, I am so silly.

Of course, I was offended. I would not tolerate anyone who target my baby in such a manner, but I was laughing at the hilarity of it, that, I was finding it fucking ridiculous.

And so, I wrote a note.

And I placed it just next to it, and hoping it wouldn’t be removed by the management.

Giggles. I was so polite! I was so sweet! I even signed off as Yours Sincerely, the Fucking Bitch.

*Edited:

Oh, here is what I wrote:

To: The gracious bespectacled gentleman who held the door for me & my precious(yes, I am appreciative enough to remember how you look like)

I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to you for your kind and considerate gesture on a busy Monday evening.

I would have missed this note completely if I didn’t stop to answer a work call on this day. And I was reading the note, bemused, thinking it was someone else. I thought it would be interesting to share the juicy content and took a picture of it.

I re-read it 5 times, and scrolled through my camera, before I realised… HEY! I’ve a picture taken with my baby at 6.25pm on 21st Jan 08 at the gate! And then, HEY! I remember! My friend was waiting for me in a dark-coloured Honda! And then OH NO! I realised. Gasp! It’s me!

And then. YES! I remembered! I’m sorry my nod & appreciative smile went unnoticed, and I didn’t say a loud enough Thank You cos I was busy apologising to my waiting friend, and introducing my mum(who was leaving too) to my friend. That was so ill-mannered of me, my bad! I will remember to shout a THANK YOU next time, just so my innocent and dear baby will not be subjected to such rude and evil and petty -please insert all other polite-sounding words here- curse in the future.

Have a nice day, and thanks for amusing me. No thanks for what you said about my baby though. And sorry to disappoint you, she’s well and safe.

Yours Sincerely, The Fucking Bitch

Meeeeoooooowwww!

And I thought I would just blog about someone else’s stupidity before I realise, the joke is on me too.

I hope it wouldn’t become some sort of those mega neighbours-fight that we so often read(Like Daisy said, “I am looking forward to read your story in the tabloids. Ha. Ha. Not funny).

But man, this man made my Monday evening.

And what took me so long to realise the note was there?

And gee, I am surprised no one removed it, and I am glad I got to read it.

Now now, I remember why he stared so hard and long on that day.

And since it is my Day 1 of extreme bleeding(Thank God! My endless bingeing will finally stop!), the hormones need to be soaked up by more than a whisper pad.

Quiet Saturday.

I fell asleep briefly at midnight, only to wake up an hour later, cursing at the bad timing.

It is gonna be a long day tomorrow and yet I am still awake at such awkward timing.

Been an absolute hermit for the past couple of days, which perhaps would serve me(and people around me best) because a distinct bout of PMS is unleashing its evil.

And yes, I don’t even feel like blogging, because I feel as if I have something against the world.

-Insert other incoherent PMSsy rant here-

So.

I am just blogging for the sake of doing so.

I collect my side table today after Dad dropped me off at IMM. I didn’t expect to spend another 5 hours there, just… walking around and buying stuff from Home-Fix.

I think I am going through a phase of “making-things-right”.

So many things, including my life, had fallen apart over the past decade, and it is time to piece them together. I am feeling hopeful. Yeah. That’s a fucking good sign considering I am extremely PMSsy and grouchy.

I couldn’t stop eating in the past few days. And I binged on chocolates so much that I wish they give me as much calories as celery does.

And the only way to make myself laugh it to stay home and watch episodes after episodes of Sex and the City with chocolates in bed.

Though I dozed off a couple of times with the pre-menstrual fatigue in the past few days. I no like PMS.

So I had a simple night in, after lugging all the shopping bags home, with very bad bodyaches.

The table is set up, and I even thought I saw a sofa which I like.

I have decided I want a portable vaccuum cleaner for my birthday. And in slightly more than a month, I will be weeping inconsolably as I head late 20s.

Hello auntie-dom.

I shopped at Adidas and saw something I like, but then after clearing my credit card bills today, the grave reality hit me that I am spiralling down into a financial drought.

Wooohooo! How exciting.

***

Friday night was barely exciting as I was on the verge of crying every freaking second.

Well, and you can’t control it cos you know it is the freaking hormones.

I would just stare at everyone blankly with, “I am cranky, grouchy, and PMSsy.”

My day started with some errands, before I rushed to town for another meeting, before I finally settled down for my first meal of the day at 5ish which consists of nothing more than a few pieces of dumplings.

Supposed to meet a friend who would bring me to shop for lamps but got the location wrong. Kallang is not Geylang. Makes mental note to self.

Anyway, I didn’t get my lamp. So disappointed.

Stopped for a drink before I made my way down to Balestier to join the usual suspects for mahjong.

Only after 2 rounds(not even frames!), I was complaining of being tired, and that I wanted to go home.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This, coming from me, is almost like saying no to sex with a naked, younger Brad Pitt.

I couldn’t stop whining throughout the evening, and whenever I whimpered “I want to go home…..” I could feel a surge of tears, and I was ready to burst out crying anytime.

I was feeling incredibly miserable, sweating profusely, and with was on an insatiable quest for comfort food.

I downed 4 Kit-kats, 2 nutella, and some other junk food.. in 5 minutes.

I was still grouchy. Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The worst part is you can identify it but you can’t stop it.

Argh.

Guys, welcome to my world of PMS.

I couldn’t wait to head home and curl up in my bed and just……. feel safe.

It felt too much like a big, bad world out there.

And I was needy, yet I couldn’t help but want to push everyone around me away.

Tsk.

***

It wasn’t an easy Thursday.

Just when I got dressed and ready to head out, it rained, very heavily.

I invested in a called cab, which was not very wise cos uncle maintained a consistent speed of 50km/h, even after clearing a very jam stretch on AYE.

So, my “leaving early” was… just nice.

Yup, I went for an interview, and then I did the ultimate boo-boos.

Hahahahahaha.

I stated mahjong as my interests.

I was then asked about how much the odds are when I play.

I pronounced “Honestly” as “Horn-estly” -stares at the bad company of mahjong friends-

We have DisHONest T, DisHONestE, DisHONesTing, JDisHONesty.

And the moment I said DisHONest, I was quick to remedy it with an “OH SHIT!”, before I reacted with my hand quickly covering my mouth before I say anything stupid again.

My next statement was probably no saving grace.

“Sorry, I really do know Honest is not pronounced as HORN-est. I am not a bimbo, really.”

Uhm, classy comeback, not.

HHHHOOOOOOKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY.

And I tripped on my heels when I stood up to greet the AGM.

I think I should be in a reality show and not in the corporate world.

***

I dragged my bruised feet in painful heels out of the area, and took a bus(wow!) to join Tetanus(we miss you, sista slut!), before the Tan family joined us.

Thomas(we do care about you, Thomas!) was with us for the night, and gave us some pretty great tips when it comes to choking the chicken. Not that we have one to choke, but you know, you never know when you would need that as a uhm… life-saving… uhm, skill?

I had ice-cream after eating 6 pieces of pizzas, and pinching off Prontip’s pasta before I headed for home with bad backache.

And yes, I was struggling.

And you think I stopped at that…. while I was watching SATC, I order McDee’s.

***

Wednesday’s Mambo didn’t take place.

We were at Great World City and maybe I just didn’t feel good about myself enough to want to club.

And while shopping, I saw things that I like, but then I think it proved that I have exorbitant tastes that I can’t keep up with.

“Oh! I love this lamp!”

-Flips price tag-

-Scurried away-

($8500)

“Oh, this is a cool sofa, if it is reasonably priced I would get it!”

-Walks over-

-Pulls FF away-

($24000)

Maybe I should trade my tastes on furniture with my tastes in men.

It was a nice dinner with Thomas and the girls at Kenny Roger’s.

I was helping FF to finish her food.

And then I was quick to head for supper of Bak Kut Teh after mahjong.

And gee, I hope my parents will buy me food when they reach later.

I already am hungry.

I sat on the kerb in the carpark where it all once started.

Heels, pencil skirt, with a blazer to shield me from the intrusive breeze. Accessorised with plenty of fatigue.

There was a brightly litted, round moon, not a soul in sight. There were a few stars littered across the sky, flickering as if struggling not to let their shine die on them.

Tonight, I realised how I always have thought fondly of the peaceful place which witnessed many sweet little episodes in my life, and then it hit me.

It too, has witnessed the number of people, who had came, and left my life.

Leaving the carpark seems like the last ritual for them, as they say goodbye to me, for good.

I have windows that overlooked the carpark, but never once in my life, I dare to watch them go. Sometimes, for the fear it would be the last time they ever do, and the memories be too painful to erase.

Suddenly, the place doesn’t look half as sweet as how I always see it as.

Maybe I have made it all too easy for them.

As much as I tried, as much as I guarded, as much as I blocked, it didn’t seem all that difficult for them to wriggle their ways into my life.

And as easy as they come, they find it so much easier just to leave me behind as they go.

It is never hard for anyone to leave. People around me never seems to find it hard or to find it a problem to just peel themselves away from a part of me, and it is just expected of me to just let go as simply.

It was always so-and-so’s cue, and I gotten used to it.

When did they decide enough is enough, and how do we ever know some things, are just not enough. Maybe I will never be part of the equation to balance out enough.

I turn my back, I walk on, I smile, I put on a mask of fucking coolness.

I don’t like to fight.

I hide, I run, I hug my knees and curl up in bed.

When I am by myself, I don’t like to pretend.

In truth, like what was sang, “I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, so we’re really not that different, me and you.”

Just go. Just leave. I will be fine. Just like how you are.

Tonight, as I sat at the place I suddenly detest, I feel like the stars who are struggling with their every breath to not let their shine die.

Okay, I shan’t repeat the story of how I nearly bit Mum’s head off today.

I cursed and sweared too much under my breath, and I think it is just for the best of everyone for me to lock myself up in the room.

There is a reason why I only feel safe in my room.

Oh well. At least Minibean is sleeping peacefully on my bed now and I feel good just with her by my side. No wars, no walls, no games.

And thus, I have lost all urges to lament about the hellish start to the day. Okay, I so not going to say how Mum is only packing HER stuff and BABY’s stuff, and leaving my stuff strewn around all over the place.

You see, she was so jealous of the past helps I had, and when I was telling her how good they were, she went into a petty fit and just left my things there.

Well done.

She soaked my belt into the water and then berated at me for not using my brains to take them out when I remove my clothes.

I retorted that I stayed here by myself, and I have the brains to check the clothes and pockets before I dump them into the washing machine(I shall not mention how she once soaked my phone into a pail of water for half an hour before she realised. The phone survived for another 2 years before it died on me. Rest in peace, my Nokia brick!).

And she fucking screamt at my baby when she innocently crawled towards her.

Hello? *snaps fingers* Direct anger *points to self* HERE!

Ok.

Apparently my urges aren’t exactly lost.

Sigh.

***

Anyway, I wonder where my baby learnt the headbanging tricks. She would start wailing and banging her head on the floor when she doesn’t get what she wants.

My heart froze for a while when she does that, but she is always smart enough not to knock too hard.

This cheeky one… makes me speechless.

She is now capable of sashaying down the hallways, around the house, without anyone’s help.

She smiles at me whenever I walk out of the door to greet her.

She calls me Mummeeeee whenever I call her baaaaaaaaaaaayyybbbeeee.

She now eyes my food greedily, and “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”s me to feed her.

She is amazing, and I can say it over and over again

***

Dad and I couldn’t quite give in to each other when we both said we wanna bring Minibean out.

Eventually he told me how stress he has been, and he just needs to be around baby, spending time with her to take his mind off stuff.

So he and Mum were taking baby to visit their friends.

Uhm… okay.

So baby went with them, and we went to have dinner at Millenia Walk with JD and her housemate. It was a nice dinner of 6, before we shopped around for a while….. and FF went for a blind date.

We left for JD’s for mahjong before we called it a night.

Went for supper before I headed home.

Baby is now snatching my phone as I chat, and I have her on my lap as I blog, so I shall blog some other day.

Oh, she just hung up my call. Haha.

And I think I am hungry.

Not easy I tell you.

I argued with Mum cos Dad said it would only be a day or two, when she haughtily told me there is no way she is leaving.

OOOOKKKAAAAAYY.

I called up Dad and he said he would talk to her.

Then I had wanted to bring baby out today(like I did yesterday), but Dad told me that he is heading to town too.

Since I am meeting my friends, I am not ready to bring my parents down too. Dad is cool but uhm…. I don’t really need Mum to question what all my friends are doing(eh, you bring baby out with who are? Male/female? What they work as? Why so many people?  Wah, why they so nice to baby? -Ting threw death stares and questioning stopped for a while-).

I found the best way is just block out all those noises and not respond.

I have done that pretty well and pretty proud of myself(trust me, my mum can be quite atrocious with her questioning. Remember the one she asked me if the part-time cleaner was ever in the same room with my Dad with the doors closed? She’s a freak lah!). I think it is because Minibean’s presence balanced out everything and I could just play with her or bring her out just to enjoy our time together.

Minibean refused to sleep last night, and wailed whenever we tried to convince her to. She finally slept at 3am, which gave me a little time to do my stuff.

She took up another 2 hours this afternoon as I tried to coax her to take a  nap.

This morning I was so freaking tired when I finally get to sleep at 6am, but my mother’s loud shouts and screams woke me up 6 times in an hour(yah, I was so tired that I fell back to sleep everytime).

And Minibean has a crush on FF’s new housemate.

Though I have to teach her some manners to keep her hands off Mummy’s stuff. Cough.

We played mahjong yesterday at FF’s, and we had 8 people in the house, with only 3 of us playing. The others were either there to learn, to babysit, or just to feel out of place.

And of course, there were us girls who were there to gawk at the cute German housemate(though we were silly enough to turn up at JD’s place before we realised we were at the wrong place).

Uh huh uh huh. We know a cute ang moh when we see one.

I think Mum is a good enough reason for me to run away from home, so I can bunk in with FF for a night or two…

Minibean is already walking, and she can say ‘baby’ too!

Thanks for being such a fantastic babysitter.

Okay, time to get ready to head out.

Okay.

I am darn annoyed today.

I packed the house, cleared the hall of pictures, hid things(boohoo, in the process, I discovered the sudden death of my brr brr. I now am left with no toys), threw away things(you know how horrifying it is to find Donkey cards from your childhood still lying around?!), sprayed air freshener, and most importantly…. searched for the key to my room.

Unfortunately, it remained nowhere to be found.

Nahbeh.

I was even thinking about looking for a safe in IMM today when I went there to do my furniture shopping(Yay! I got a side table but my ideal lamp is still yet to be found).

I tell you, I guard my mum more fiercely than I guard strangers.

Well… for someone who checks your wallet, runs through your bag, and whom you had very episodes with, it is just natural for the defense mechanism to kick into motion, I guess.

The conflict already started yesterday when we had an argument about living arrangements hereon forth.

Call me ingrate or whatsoever, but the only reason why our relationship remains cordial, is simply because we ain’t living together. I love you mum, but I simply can’t stand staying together with you.

I rushed out after waking up at around…5pm(Gee Ting, no good!), and was reminded why I hate to be out on a Saturday. The crowd just puts me off in the mall. I got too tired from all the walking, and headed home without the energy to stop to buy dinner.

I think I am not gifted for shopping, like seriously.

I went home and holed up in my room the entire evening.

It was a strangely quiet day. Not a single phone call nor message, and I ended up watching an episode of Prison Break (in between Texas Hold’em on Facebook) before I finally felt hungry enough to walk out to buy food at the nearby coffeeshop.

It was a breezy night. Not cold. I had my hair ruffled too much though.

A missed call from FF, and I concluded the night with a nice 3-way chat with my bitches.

No one wants to meet my mum!

***

I had a pretty productive Friday the way I wanted it to be.

I managed to get myself a rug at Furniture Mall, get my arse down to Immigration, and bought lightbulbs to change the fused bulbs(they have been fused for say… at least 5 years). I bravely climbed up the ladder(hey, fear of heights, alright?) and whee! There was light.

Tsk tsk, who needs men for this? I remember climbing up the ladder when I was 7 months pregnant to get something done too….

The carpet was delivered on the same evening, and I vacuumed the living room, before spreading it across the centre of the hall.

Damn, I so should have gotten the grey one I adored.

Oh well.

Met up with Dad when I was having dinner to pass him the documents, before I looked at him with utter devastation when he said he is going to bring Mum in tomorrow.

Oh. I played poker(yes, real) last night.

My stupidity(what’s new?!) provided quite a bit of comic relief and it wasn’t surprising that I lost all my chips before it was end of the night.

Left early to head for supper. It was such a cold night last night.

It was too cold a night.

You know what? I think I am just tired.

***

Sometimes, is it better to know, or better not to know?

Why are the people who can’t take brutal honesty always the ones who ask for it?

I think I lost myself somewhere along the way when 2008 took flight.

Much had happened, though seriously, I can’t remember much of them.

Maybe it is easier not to remember.

***

Isn’t it strange?

Looking at the things happening around me, all drew the same conclusions.

We are all strange this way.

There are some things in life, you may want them very much, but when you do get them, you realise you don’t really need them anyway. Some lasted the novelty, some don’t.

And sadly, there are some things in life, you may never want them to begin with, but when you lose them, you realise how badly you need them.

Then again, the pathetic thing is, denial clouds all judgments and you may never know, which is which to begin with.

You might think you want some stuff bad enough, when in actual fact, you don’t. And when you convince yourself you don’t need something, that very something is perhaps what you have always wanted.

Then again, when fear gets in the way, things just ain’t what they look like anymore.

***

Let’s talk about my fears.

Cockroaches, dead fishes, staircases, thunders.. and you could perhaps throw my mum into this category as well.

I remember there was once, someone tried to make me get over my fear by grabbing my hand and ran down a flight of stairs.

My mind was in a blank and I freaked out like, totally.

Eventually, I still landed on the ground floor without any broken bones, though my soul was nowhere to be found thereafter.

“See! Not scary right? Get over your fear already?”

I was pushed out of my comfort zone, almost forced.

I swear if my legs weren’t wobbly I would have knee him in the balls.

I was almost angry, but I had no rights to be.

People are trying to help, aren’t they?

Yet I think they crossed the line. Cos my fears are meant to be conquered at my own time, and when I am mentally prepared to take them on.

Not when I am still trapping myself in those fears.

Cos the dash down the flight of stairs didn’t give me more confidence not make me feel better.

It just fucking freaked me out in pure, cold fear.

And the next time when I see a flight of stairs again, all I will feel is the cold-sweat, and racing heartbeat. Maybe, just maybe, my fear gotten worse since that day.

I will one day get over my fears, definitely, but I don’t think I will get over my fear of cockroaches with someone waving a cockroach right before me like really out of nowhere and tell me to just.. you know, get used to it.

My heart not very strong, you know?

Someday, I will be okay. I know I will be.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun…
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must’ve crossed… you said…

You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you… they’re not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said…

You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah,

She said I think I’ll go to Boston…
I think I’ll start a new life,
I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather,
I think I’ll get a lover and fly em out to Spain…
I think I’ll go to Boston,
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind…
I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset,
I hear it’s nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice… oh yeah,

You don’t know me, you don’t even care…

Boston… where no one knows my name… yeah
Where no one knows my name…
Where no one knows my name…
Yeah Boston…
Where no one knows my name.

***

Whee! I want to go to Boston too!

Maybe I will finally catch a sunrise there.

I don’t know you anymore.

I never did, and perhaps, never will.

Ever since I was baby, there was never a time that when I hurt myself that someone would be cuddling me and telling me that everything’s gonna be okay.

It was only until with the ex, that morphed me into a koala bear(maybe cos he was, ahem, cuddly) and I was a sucker for all those reassurances.

I felt safe, I did.

Lying there with no words spoken, and just a nice, warm shoulder to lean on, and a cosy neck to burrow my face into.

That’s how comfort breeds.

Maybe it says so much about my insecurities.

***

SDB has very loving touches and hugs that sooth.

Sadly, a part of me can’t afford to feel safe again.

It was Tuesday night when we met.

Questions not asked, words not spoken, and nagging thoughts simply wouldn’t go away.

***

So much things had changed since I graduated a cool decade ago.

My camera battery didn’t last long enough for me to capture the soft, orangey hue when I was finally able to see everything clearly.

***

Wednesday night almost didn’t take place after we were flaked by JD.

But nonetheless we met up at Holland Village for dinner, and we all knew it was just foreplay to what the evening holds. Our eager anticipation.

Marmalade Pantry. My disappointment was well-communicated to the waiter when I heard there wasn’t anymore cupcakes(woops!). The waiters there are cool.

No cupcakes.

FF was the paparrazo for the night again.

But as usual, her refusal to show her face means… censorship.

Thanks Uncle Keith for dinner and wise words over mahjong table.

And of course, his kind contributions after we wiped off his chips. Giggles.

***

Keith and I caught Cloverfield yesterday and what can I say? All of you should catch it.

On our way to Vivocity.

Traffic was pretty bad and we were almost late for the movie.

I caught it in the Gold Class cinema(oh, I am a Gold Class virgin!), and now I understand why the price is so exorbitant.

I want one of those chairs in my house!

Okay, fine, I am just like a kid.

I was supposed to meet a friend and Uncle Keith made his way to FF’s for mahjong with Shaun as the 3rd leg.

I was tempted to get on the cable car to watch the sunset by myself.

The other side of the sky seems to give a glimpse of what was to come.

(Fucking camwhore)

My friend and I walked around Vivocity for a bit more before we headed to the foodcourt for dinner.

I was seriously contemplating of joining the guys but when I stepped out of the foodcourt, it was all thunders and rain.

So.

I ended up watching a 2nd movie.

The Flock.

It is nice in my opinion, though it is fucking disturbing and though it wasn’t horror or whatever, I ended up feeling as if I couldn’t go on watching the show.

After watching the show, I wish I could lock Charissa at home for the rest of her life man.

***

I promise myself I will make good use of today.

1) I will head down to immigration to get my mum’s stuff sorted out.

2) I will buy bulbs to change those fused ones.

3) I will buy a rug for the living room.

4) I will buy a lamp for the living room.

5) I might.. book my advanced theory.

6) I will make an effort to shop for a couch.

7) I will draw up my resume.

I will see baby over the weekend. Yay!

Maybe, I can only get better.

If I start believing.