The only things I did worth mentioning over the past few days(besides spending time with my amazingly adorable princess), are…. mediocre gambling sessions(can you fucking believe it? I didn’t play mahjong over Chinese New Year! It’s a sin!), and pretty enjoyable partying sessions(well, definitely could be better sans the drama, but I can chuck that aside).
Minibean and my parents have been staying over for almost a week now(Okay, fine, with 2 days spent in Malaysia visiting relatives), and they are going to stay till Wednesday.
Things are better between Mum and I now, but then an episode today totally gave me the creeps.
I think my past is here to haunt me, and I was terribly uncomfortable.
Well, it happened cos she had thought I was heading out, when in fact I changed my mind and then I was hiding in my room after my shower.
And then, she tried to open my door. Normally I would lock it, and maybe she thought she would get lucky this time.
I mean, either way, 1) If I were home, she should have blardy knocked. 2) If I weren’t home, she had no fucking business to snoop in my room.
Throughout the evening, she was freaking shouting and screaming at my baby. It was the tone and the volume that made me jump, and I nearly acted up by opening the door and confronted her.
I didn’t. I froze. I stayed where I was and hid safely under the bed. And then it all came back to me.
I should be out there rescuing my baby, isn’t it? I tried to listen, and I tried to find excuses for her shouting. Mum has always equate shouting with authority, and I know what she was trying to do. Most kids didn’t like my mum cos she is the kind who would just lecture and shout and scream at anyone, thinking that is the most effective way of disciplining people. Eventually, she became the one every kid wanted to irritate, because there is really nothing she could do except making a nuisance of herself.
And much to my relief, she was trying to warn Minibean not to go near her as she was mopping and she might floor. But every single sentence she was screaming at my poor baby(”Go away!” “Don’t come near me!”), and I did nothing. Helplessly sat in my bed and did nothing.
Honestly, baby is with her most of the time, and like a friend always reminded me, I have to rely on her and she is taking care of Minibean and I can’t afford help on my own, so I have not much rights, do I?
And then I remember how she had never shouted baby that way when either Dad or I were around. I mean, she still shouts(that’s why I never have peaceful mornings with her around. Now she does that to baby, and in the past, she does that to me x 10 the violence).
I listened hard, and was ready to pounce on her if she was being mean to my baby.
I am worried she would start using rejection as a means to discipline Minibean. I would definitely make sure she never stays close to my baby if she ever does that.
I opened the door, and she was utterly surprised when she saw me, and asked when was I back.
I didn’t say anything.
I surprised myself for not saying anything and just went into the room to look at my sleeping baby.
I felt like the most fucked up mother ever.
And I start to know where Minibean learnt all those voice-raising skills from.
***
When I had the slight urge to want to blog about it, my blog experienced some silly down-time.
Now, at 5.15am, I am not sure if I should start blogging.
I mean, by the time I finish with the post and the almost 200 pictures that were to follow(most likely I will sift them out and upload the bulk of them on facebook)…. I could probably greet the day like how I did for the past days…. watching daylight seeping through the curtains.
I still have no idea how to sort the pictures. Hmm.
Chronological order, it shall be.
Seems like I really am braving the attempt and sacrifice some sleep tomorrow.
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