So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed
Quote of the day: “…. Until certain point, I realise maybe some things are not meant to be.”
I have been pretty tired these days. The last thing on my mind would be getting drained by the emotionally-needy.
Cos it will just make me emotionally-needy as well.
I don’t like to burn bridges. I believe besides relationships, there can always be friendships. But the transitional phase is always the bitterest pill to swallow.
I left office on the dot of the official time, to meet a friend, whom, honestly, I don’t know that well anymore.
The feeling was slightly different, cos the occasional warm personality that greeted me, often intertwined with a complex personality I never quite get to know better. The one who sometimes could be that cold.
The someone who often give the “if onlys” so often that, you start to sneer at the “if onlys” cos they are like the shallowest excuses to give, “If only I know you.. yadda yadda then I should have…”
Yah, if only I know the soccer results, I would have been a millionaire. I also know how to say.
Today, what greeted me was ample affections, a slight comment of how tired my job has made me, a feel of the forehead to check if I was sick, and a tight grasp of my hand, and gifts for baby, and.. a gift for me.
I didn’t feel thrill. I actually felt bad… a pang of guilt, and a distinct feeling of what isn’t meant to be hit me.
It was a nice dinner as we caught up, as we chatted and laughed at Tong Lok at Vivocity.
My eyes were often dreamy as I looked away to the sea, as the light sept away from the day.
Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn
Ironically, we ended the day with a movie. “Over her dead body”. Which now seems like a mockery of reality.
Headed for home thereafter, and the night didn’t end with a hug.
It was an appreciative smile as I headed for the main gate.
I sent a message of thanks, and it was indeed nice, to catch up again.
The reply that was sent when I was in the showers, perhaps was the catalyst.
“But there’s something I really need to know cos it’s been bugging me. Have you ever liked me before, in a special way?”
The answer came to mind pretty quickly. But it wasn’t one easy to send out.
Yup, I think I did.
And it prompted another message from me, as if it had to be said. That was, when I sent the quote of the day.
Before I could send it out, his reply below reached me.
“Do you still? Cos lately whenever I think of you I’d wish I could be a jumper(sidenote: the movie, geddit? Uhm… Yah… I know… Er), and just teleport to be beside you both.”
“At what point really?”
I thought hard. Though it was easy to say at which point it was, but I think it all boiled down to how every element just fell into place and made things irreversible.
Too many things had happened. Bad timing, people. All are contributing factors there isn’t really much point going into it.
“Can I have a chance of you liking me again?”
I honestly can’t answer the question. I think some things are just too late.
“I don’t like to be pressured, so I won’t give you pressure. In the past I always thought you didn’t like me enough, so I wasn’t honest with my feelings. Guess I was dumb on my part. Oh well, gonna miss those times we talked and laughed… It was good while it lasted.”
So I guess, this was the closure we both needed.
I believe those times can still happen between us as friends. It was nice, indeed. 
“But it’s gonna be very hard for me to do that, and not fall in love with you.”
And that left me silent. The answer caught me by surprise. That potent, cruel, mindfucking “L” word.
Ouch. There is no answer to it, and I gotta do what I gotta do.
It is a bitch to know that I have officially lost a friend.
And it might just be an indication of a decision made, and a mind made up.
Things are clearer. And after a big round, it is back to where it began.
Honestly, it sucks big time and it makes me feeling… somewhat bad.
He is someone I truly care for, but sometimes, when things are not meant to be, and when things are just, so, not, fated, there is pretty much no point dwelling on the what could have beens.
And isn’t it interesting to see how things spiral from the way it did?
And yes, never tempt fate.
It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was somewhat like letting go. Still, the huge relief that followed, the playbacks of the past events, had made it easier for the moment.
I will not know now if I would ever regret this, but as they say, and I believe, everything happens for a reason.
And did I mention how screwed up it is when someone else decides to push your buttons and drain your last ounce of emotional-threshold right at this moment?
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