… I am out of my mind.

Like seriously.

When I blog previously, I wrote it off as momentary loss of sanity. But as Wednesday crept by, and the events that followed, I certified myself insane.

Well, most people had responded with “Are you mad?” and I couldn’t quite deny.

Woohoo.

I am excited. I cannot not be.

And I don’t need people to tell me how nuts I can be, so when it happens, you will hear about it.

Let’s just say besides keeping Minibean, this could be the most beyond-imagination thing I have done in my life.

But yeah, when one day I look back into my life, I will look back to this, and firmly say THAT, is one of the highlights of my life.

No, I haven’t gone bald.

Anyway, been busy to update.

Well. There is a sub-episode from the post about faded fate. Brief, but, I think still deserves a mention.

At the end of it, I just realised explanations are just… unnecessary. Beyond a point, even though there might be misunderstandings, even though there might be too much assumptions, but even when things are cleared, things will never be the same again.

What causes the feelings to go away, putting the record straight doesn’t restore feelings back.

Because, what had happened didn’t brew bad feelings, but much worse, killed off the good. And then, we lack the patience and courage to try to rebuild that again.

Maybe the same could be said for friendships, thus, sometimes, we don’t bother to explain anymore, cos words, sometimes can’t revive certain things.

It just simply establishes nothing and justifies nothing.

You simply ask yourself, what’s the point?

Cos when the heart is not open nor willing, it refuses to believe.

When was the last time you did something abso-fucking-lutely crazy. Irrationally, losing-your-sanity kinda crazy?

I had my moment today.

And now as my sanity trickles back in, I am starting to wonder if it is really happening.

When too much of a good thing is happening, like consistently for a week, I become.. scared.

Like I will lose something, just for the brilliant moments of ecstasy like this.

So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed

Quote of the day: “…. Until certain point, I realise maybe some things are not meant to be.”

I have been pretty tired these days. The last thing on my mind would be getting drained by the emotionally-needy.

Cos it will just make me emotionally-needy as well.

I don’t like to burn bridges. I believe besides relationships, there can always be friendships. But the transitional phase is always the bitterest pill to swallow.

I left office on the dot of the official time, to meet a friend, whom, honestly, I don’t know that well anymore.

The feeling was slightly different, cos the occasional warm personality that greeted me, often intertwined with a complex personality I never quite get to know better. The one who sometimes could be that cold.

The someone who often give the “if onlys” so often that, you start to sneer at the “if onlys” cos they are like the shallowest excuses to give, “If only I know you.. yadda yadda then I should have…”

Yah, if only I know the soccer results, I would have been a millionaire. I also know how to say.

Today, what greeted me was ample affections, a slight comment of how tired my job has made me, a feel of the forehead to check if I was sick, and a tight grasp of my hand, and gifts for baby, and.. a gift for me.

I didn’t feel thrill. I actually felt bad… a pang of guilt, and a distinct feeling of what isn’t meant to be hit me.

It was a nice dinner as we caught up, as we chatted and laughed at Tong Lok at Vivocity.

My eyes were often dreamy as I looked away to the sea, as the light sept away from the day.

Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

Ironically, we ended the day with a movie. “Over her dead body”. Which now seems like a mockery of reality.

Headed for home thereafter, and the night didn’t end with a hug.

It was an appreciative smile as I headed for the main gate.

I sent a message of thanks, and it was indeed nice, to catch up again.

The reply that was sent when I was in the showers, perhaps was the catalyst.

“But there’s something I really need to know cos it’s been bugging me. Have you ever liked me before, in a special way?”

The answer came to mind pretty quickly. But it wasn’t one easy to send out.

Yup, I think I did.

And it prompted another message from me, as if it had to be said. That was, when I sent the quote of the day.

Before I could send it out, his reply below reached me.

“Do you still? Cos lately whenever I think of you I’d wish I could be a jumper(sidenote: the movie, geddit? Uhm… Yah… I know… Er), and just teleport to be beside you both.”

“At what point really?”

I thought hard. Though it was easy to say at which point it was, but I think it all boiled down to how every element just fell into place and made things irreversible.

Too many things had happened. Bad timing, people. All are contributing factors there isn’t really much point going into it.

“Can I have a chance of you liking me again?”

I honestly can’t answer the question. I think some things are just too late.

“I don’t like to be pressured, so I won’t give you pressure. In the past I always thought you didn’t like me enough, so I wasn’t honest with my feelings. Guess I was dumb on my part. Oh well, gonna miss those times we talked and laughed… It was good while it lasted.”

So I guess, this was the closure we both needed.

I believe those times can still happen between us as friends. It was nice, indeed.

“But it’s gonna be very hard for me to do that, and not fall in love with you.”

And that left me silent. The answer caught me by surprise. That potent, cruel, mindfucking “L” word.

Ouch. There is no answer to it, and I gotta do what I gotta do.

It is a bitch to know that I have officially lost a friend.

And it might just be an indication of a decision made, and a mind made up.

Things are clearer. And after a big round, it is back to where it began.

Honestly, it sucks big time and it makes me feeling… somewhat bad.

He is someone I truly care for, but sometimes, when things are not meant to be, and when things are just, so, not, fated, there is pretty much no point dwelling on the what could have beens.

And isn’t it interesting to see how things spiral from the way it did?

And yes, never tempt fate.

It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was somewhat like letting go. Still, the huge relief that followed, the playbacks of the past events, had made it easier for the moment.

I will not know now if I would ever regret this, but as they say, and I believe, everything happens for a reason.

And did I mention how screwed up it is when someone else decides to push your buttons and drain your last ounce of emotional-threshold right at this moment?

The weekend left me with plenty of pretty memories.

Friday evening’s desperation was one that provided great laughs.

“Uncle, you play mahjong?”

“Uhm, I have to capture the peak hour traffic,” was the reply from the cab driver.

Still, YZ and Charlotte (and boy) were fabulous kakis. It rained and stormed.

Mahjong till 7am, and then 6 hours of sleep before we ran off from the cab in the middle of the road to rush for Broadway Beng which we were late for.

It was then lunch at Hoggies, before we made our way to Cathay for Harold and Kumar.

It was a nice show, better than I had expected it to be.

We adjourned home for more mahjong action with Bernard and Shaun(*waves* since both still read my blog fervently!), and it was near 6 when we finally wrapped up.

My cards were so bad that I had 11 chap sar yio cards when I opened it.

Imagine tian hu chap sar yio. I will laugh till teeth drop. But I didn’t persevere. I ended up doing pong pong.

Cosy up in bed and slept till afternoon. Baby was already back.

Left home for dinner at Bukit Timah Casa Roma and ended up not feeling too well and headed for home.

Rolled around the bed with the amazingly cute baby, before I dozed off for a while, while watching CSI.

I woke up to finish watching the match, got really exhilarated with the League’s Champion celebration.

I went to sleep happily, and slept well.

Until it was 6am when I woke up for some painkiller. I hate cramps.

Morning came too soon, and went to work. Gave some blood for company’s body check up. Half wondering if my pad could do the job but realise how gross the thought is.

Honestly, this post could have been more lively and have more “happy” vibes, but I am sorry I just can’t find it within me today.

Especially now.

It was a weekend without shopping, plenty of mahjong, a movie, a play, a nice steak lunch, and a nice Italian dinner. Most importantly, plenty, plenty of Minibean.

Despite the peak of PMS(well, I am finally leaking), there was no tantrums, no irrational outbursts, and there were lotsa laughter.

I spent a nice evening with her, and actually, with her grandmother too.

Many people messaged me, and a simple sentence brings endless smiles, cos… it was like, “Yay, I am a mum and I have another day about me.” Hahaha.

And now, a fantastic finale at JJB stadium.

“WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!”

It reminds me of the time… 1999.

I am going to sleep real well tonight.

I am not sure which exactly is the culprit to the emptiness of this space, but the past week has been rather interesting.

Maybe it’s the comedy. Maybe it’s the building up to the time of the month(fatigue!!). Maybe it’s the good food. Maybe it’s the people who even remember to send messages to wish me Happy Mother’s Day. Maybe it’s because I finally played mahjong.

I even had my first Mother’s Day gift.

It has been plenty of indulgence.

Baby is back with me today and yet all I can think of are the matches tonight.

What a week or two of distractions. Enough for me to just grin and not do anything.

I had a dream last night.

It was one with clear, turquoise waters, white sands, a clumsy driver and a trusting “instructor”, eager sales assistants, and a lacy train I disagreed with.

Doesn’t make sense? I guess. Dreams hardly do.

I dreamt of Potato. I dreamt of what were Coral Reefs in my dream.

I dreamt of many people. Many, many, many people. Strangely, it was such a beautiful dream. Because there was so much peace in the dream. The peace that follows awkwardness, and plenty of animosity.

There were no words. It was just the expressions, or a simple gesture. Ice was broken. Things I had never said though I wanted to, were understood in split second.

I had skips in my steps, as my hand was held tightly as we ran down the pretty, victorian architecture, I remember smiling a lot at that point of my dream.

I saw a friend(or…?), looking on from a distant, lurking in the background, contrasted by the sea of turquoise. It was the only unfriendly vibe I had, yet it was mild. Maybe, the dream was just so serene, so peaceful, so pretty.

It was a nice dream.

So nice that as I try to feel what I felt, try to recall how it all was, I feel this surge of tears to my eyes.

Maybe because, it is a dream, that we know, will never make up for the what could never be in real life.

April was a month to smile about.

I saw plenty of my baby, and she has learnt so much things that… it is so amazing.

Though I was laughing at how my mum was comparing the 2 of us as babies. My mum was telling me how lazy she is, and that by the time I was her age, I was already writing!!

Man, I was born a genius! Whatever happened along the way?

And she said I was more reserved and sweet and quiet as a child. And man, honestly, what happened along the way? Laughs.

But she still is an amazing learner.

***

Chapter 1 - View from the top

It was an afternoon when a colleague casually mentioned how she had attended the official opening of the Singapore Flyer just a day before.

Someone else then asked if she had tried Popeye’s, before I was fast to catch the magical word.

“What? Popeye’s? They have it there?”

It wasn’t long before all I could think of for the rest of the afternoon, is Popeye’s…. and the previous time I had it, was early April last year, when Minibean was with us too.

You see, the only available one used to be at the airport, and I don’t exactly stay near there. Singapore Flyer is much more of a centralised area for me to fulfil my cravings.

So much so that, I was determined to head down to Popeye’s for dinner, with or without company.

Just as I was leaving office for some errands, a call came in to ask what I was doing for the day, and I casually mentioned that I was heading to Popeye’s for dinner. Then, I had company from a friend who was going to be nearby who didn’t know getting a fix from Popeye’s is going to be much more convenient!

I headed to Anchorpoint and then deliver some stuff down to Orchard, before I left for Singapore Flyer feeling famished.

The wait was a long one (Grr…) but was well worth it when I had 3 biscuits(YUMMY!), one piece of chicken, the unbeatable fries, and oh oh! The mashed potato!

I was feeling fat by the end of dinner. Burp.

It was quiet there. And we were chilling, and wondering if we should go for chocolate next or gelato next, a sudden moment of spontaneity brought us….

… onto the Singapore Flyer!

We were opportunists.. and we rushed for it at the right moment so that we could have the entire capsule to ourselves.

Honestly, the ride was overpriced and was overhyped. I still don’t quite understand why there are express boarding and whatnots, and of course, I die die also wouldn’t pay for the express boarding cos even the normal pricing was not quite justifiable. The view you see if pretty much the same from start till the end.

The most annoying thing of most, is the horrible tourists-ish music in the capsule. It was driving my crazy and I was seriously tempted to buzz the intercom to ask if they could like, put on class 95, or even the BBC news would be much more pleasant.

Nonetheless, it was a nice wrapping up to a chilled, relaxing evening.

Dazzling, dazzling, lights.

I was able to run from one side of the capsule to the other side, and just camwhore myself everywhere uninhabited, since there wasn’t anybody else in the capsule.

I love this view.

I was trying to pretend I was going to jump out of the capsule, but the picture didn’t turn out well, so I guess a proper posing will do.

Yeah… after a well, the same, old view bore me a little, and I was resting on the bench. Of course, that’s the freedom of not having anyone in the capsule with us.

Nonetheless, the background was nice, despite me being totally unglam.

As it was descending from the top, we saw the golf course, and its sea of green.

Peace is always beautiful if we appreciate its beauty

Picture of the construction going on near the bay. Though many people said how it is ugly, and a sore sight, but somehow I totally dig it. I don’t know, it just looks amazing to me, however raw, maybe that’s the only reminder of the hardwork behind each and everyone of those immaculate looking buildings out there.

The bridges.

Nearer to the ground.

The lights that gave life to the sky.

It wasn’t all that good, but I think it was better cos there wasn’t a crowd to taint the momentary escapade from reality.

***

Last weekend, was fabulous.

It was lotsa shopping, and pampering.

AND!

I have a belated birthday gift, like, duh, almost 1 and half months late.

Better late than never, right?!

The little blue box!

And my belated birthday present! Tiffany & Co bracelet! Love it!

The last time I received a T & C present was on my 21st birthday from my MDIS classmates. Sometimes I wonder how they are doing, and it is a shame I could hardly remember the name of the classmate who bought the gift and asked everyone to chip in.

I remember the feeling she left me with, and I remember how she looks like, just not her name.

I hope she is well.

A gift.

Saturday was spent shopping around, collecting my bracelet after it was sent in for shortening, and then meeting up with JD, whom I haven’t seen in a long, long while.

“So, which high-end shop are you at?” she asked.

“Bulgari, but I am heading to Prada.” I would like to explain I was shopping for a gift that wasn’t meant for me.

“WHAT’S WITH THE HAIR?!?!” was her reaction when she saw me.

She is an evil person to be shopping with.

Everything is “nice! Buy!” in her opinion, and it is amazing that at the end of the evening, we both emerged unscathed from each other’s eggings.

We had Tori Q!

We headed to Plaza Singapura Spotlight.

I headed home to change, to prepare for the late night show on Saturday. Coincidentally, I was going to mention about this duo who sings amazingly at Roomful, and just as I started my sentence, I was met with, “Hey, you know I was at a wedding, and there was this duo who sang oldies and they are damn cool. I think they are Phillippinos.”

I wonder if they were the same people I was about to mention.

We went down to Mr Bean and had more food, and walked over to Roomful, and the duo were indeed not there, which means, they could be really at the wedding singing.

Caught the movie Awake, and despite its poor reviews, I personally find it pretty interesting show to watch.

That wrapped up a late Saturday, as I prepared for Minibean’s arrival on Sunday!

Brought her out shopping and “matchmaking” on Sunday(babies’ day out!) and here’s the loot!

Presents for Minibean!

A pink baby polo-tee from Polo Ralph, and a matching bag. It is actually an adult’s bag, but the size and colour went so well with her that it was bought off the shelves pretty quickly.

The sales assistant must be thinking how spoilt the sleeping princess is(she was sleeping as shopping went on).

The week ended with a feel-good factor, and I am looking forward to this weekend… and hopefully I will have more feel-good factor. Heh. *Twiddles fingers*

Oh. And the change that took place on Thursday…

Hi, my name is Ting. And I have rebonded hair like most Singaporean girls (man! The last time I had it was when I was 20!), and now, I have bangs, which my colleagues say make me look like chao ah lian, and Charlotte(I bumped into the cool chick on Saturday!) says it makes me look cute.

Good thing is, my daughter still recognises me.

(Something’s very wrong with my wordpress… I can’t seem to find the boxes for editing purposes. Arghhh)

A public holiday right smack in the middle of the week, and despite it provides a strange, little staccato, the additional rest I get out of it is very much appreciated.

I wasn’t sleeping on the usual side of the bed when I saw daylight this morning. It was 8ish in the morning, and I heard strange noises in the background, and then I realised I had dozed off briefly before the first half of the match ended.

Honestly, it was a result I desired(don’t ask me why, it is a strange, little theory no one would bother to listen to). I remember I woke up during the dying minutes of the game, and I concussed.

I tucked myself snugly into my favourite corner of the bed, and enjoyed my sleep, unadulterated by disciplined working hours.

The house was strangely quiet when I awoke at 3 plus.

The crisp gurgles, stubborn screams of the little monster weren’t heard.

She had yet enjoyed another day out with the grand parents, whilst I enjoy the peace and quiet(she had refused to sleep the past few night whenever I was around).

I downed a couple of glasses of water(I hate drinking water, but apparently, my throat has been dry and slightly sore from the insane weather before I realised my daily routine of 3 glasses of sweetened drinks won’t make me healthy), and lazed.

Man. Lazing, feels kinda good. Yet strange. The feeling of restlessness makes me jittery.

And it is great to have an absolute break from the public and outside world once in a while.

Cos this comfort zone, feels really, really safe.

In fact, I think I need to feel safe again.

This week I have been thinking quite a bit. Of the past, of the people who were once in my life… of the old me.

I think we choose to be hermit sometimes cos we need to feel safe from people whom we don’t really know, to feel safe who don’t really know us, and of cos… to be safe from who we are around them. And sometimes, we need to be away from people who know us, so our facades and the walls we build up to keep ourselves safe won’t falter when they are around.

No, JD, I don’t mean shopping with you, though your absolute evilness was nearly hard to succumb to. Heh.

And it is time like this, that my wallet feels absolute safe from constant intrusion.

Ahh… great.

***

A colleague of mine made me scream at him (well, uh.. I have no idea I had to suppress my laughs when I have to scream at people) when he was late and failed to inform me he was going to. I sulked really, really badly. We were supposed to head for an event where we were representing our company.

I hate waiting for people who are late, and don’t have the basic courtesy to inform me. And I wouldn’t call sometimes, just to see if other people will make the effort to.

Sadly in the past one week, 3 different people had the audacity to test my limits. My limit is half an hour without prior notification.

If you are going to be late, please say so. I can arrange for self-entertainment, and that is perfectly fine you know?

I think the element is… PRE-EMPT, baby, PRE-EMPT.

Ok, I think I have higher tolerance if the 3 different chaps hadn’t made me wait when I was severely starved of food.

Hungry woman is not an angry woman. She is A SEETHING MONSTER!

So anyway, we went to the very, very, very, horribly bored event, where we stuffed ourselves with mediocre buffet food, and feeling totally lost in a sea of people we do not know.

I wasn’t quite a fan of the crowd, like seriously. I even had contemplated to blog about it, take lotsa pictures, but all I had wanted to do is drink the bar dry of orange juice and bail out.

When the agony was finally over for us, we left Clarke Quay with me limping in my heels.

And off we (aimlessly) went to Expo for Metro sale, which was the highlight of the evening lah.

I bought many items which could have cost me 2 grenades normally, and I was happiest with my buy of bedsheets for Minibean. I felt kinda bad cos the person behind me was looking for the same bedsheets for herself and I had gotten the last one. I quietly snuck away when she was trying to search for another one.

It was so cute lah. Baby Pooh and Baby EeYore.

And I bought pillow. When it was time to re-gather of the spot we agreed to meet, I realised my colleague was also buying pillow for his mum for Mothers’ Day. HOW CREATIVE!

I got Minibean a dress and a pair of long pants from Elle, and 2 bras for my ever-shrinking boobies(cheap lah! Less than 20 bucks from Triumph!).

I have great self control. Thus I didn’t buy bedsheets for myself. Heh. The thought of nice bedsheets will make me harder to wake up in the morning was a great deterrence. Muahaha.

I have been spending quite frivolously these days especially with the thought of replacing things, buying things that I had meant to from eons ago.

The old and dirty couch needs to be changed and I didn’t want Dad to be the one buying it, thus I had delayed replacing it.

The curtains. Ever since the episode with my cousin, I had left it there, untouched.

My worst vices have been food. And I should really go easy on it, cos I could really feel my waistline becoming not so pants-friendly.

It has been a nice break. I just need to fully-utilise the rest of the evening with all the be back-blogging. Heh.