I woke up grouchy today.

It was no wonder that I could hardly drag myself out of bed, with a frown perfectly knitted on my face.

And the signs were all there.

I got home with 2 red blisters on my feet. Those heels. I am just not gifted in them, even at 140 a pop.

And then, my toenail fell out!!!!! Ouch. Now it is raw and horrible looking

This morning, my feet swell so badly that I struggled to fit into the pair of heels that fit so snugly yesterday. It was as if it swell by a shoe size, and I limped to the office.

Then, there are the 2 ulcers. Both pressing against my lower gums, and I wish I have a pack of salt right next to me right now so I can pour salt over them and rub them with brutal force till they peel and bleed, feeling the sharp sensation rushing through every nerve of my body.

My throat is perpetually dry and I could feel a little dry cough brewing.

I thought my floor was spinning this morning.

I sulked badly in the morning despite having ample sleep.

I woke up like umpteen times last night.

And the last time I woke up was at 5.30am, when I heard my parents.

THEY JUST CAME HOME WITH MY BABY!!!!!!

I got pissed and then I chided them for bringing her out after she had 2 jabs yesterday, and she is susceptible to chills and fever.

Actually, I got pissed cos they are often double standard when baby is with them, or with me.

And then I started raising my voice telling them off, and then they went all quiet, giving lame excuses of how she had napped and as I saw her awake at 5.30am did not help to elevate my anger.

I went to sleep angry and I am still pretty unhappy though my dad called earlier today to speak words of peace. Like subtly telling me how baby enjoys going out and blarblarblar.

Fuck! I also know she enjoys being out and one of the reasons why she demands to go out so often is because of over-indulgence like such.

And fuck! You always say how she shouldn’t go out after having jabs cos prone to this and that, yah lah, you expose her to so many adults in a smoky environment won’t submit her to this lah?

Nevermind. I still very pissed.

I didn’t say anything when you guys bring her back at 2am, and now, is fucking 5 fucking 30 in the fucking morning.

Okay. Rant finished.

And then I feel fat this morning. Fuck! I am getting fat. Don’t tell me anything else, cos the piece of fat hanging off my waist has my mum asking, “Ting ah, why your tummy so fat one ah?”

In my utter annoyance, I replied, “Well, I am a mother of a daughter, you also, see the difference?”

I have got a flab around my tummy and I think it is really what pissed me off big time.

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And?

My less than a year-old lousy HP desktop(it comes with USB ports in the front which don’t read anything that are plugged in! They are like big vijayjays that couldn’t feel small kkjs!) gave out horrible sounding sounds that make it sound more like those old-time fridges, than a computer.

Don’t you dare give me up when I am still paying for you every bloody month! Your bill comes more regular than my menses, can?!?!?!

Honestly my post could have been much more angsty if not for the fact that my colleagues made me laugh in the morning.

Oh well, who says work is the only element that pushes us off the cliff?

Okay. Meeting time.

I thought it would hurt, but strangely, I felt nothing.

It was exactly what I saw on her face, on their faces, that everything became crystal clear.

I saw it in her. In her. In her. And in him.

And you thought someone closest to you should have known better. And you thought looking beyond all those facades you would find someone you would know so well, believing in the better of her, simply because, there is no doubt.

And then what she said repeated itself over and over in me.

I didn’t find the consolation I need. All I found is a sense of coldness, that slowly kills the warmth in me.

It should. It is what it is there for.

No doubt, it is a shame.

No bitterness, just understanding. And that’s why, bitterness is for them to hold, not for us to do so.

I should be glad I get the better end of the bargain.

Cos at least, it didn’t hurt.