I have been wanting to write about this since last week, but just didn’t seem to have the time(and urge) to finally got down to doing it.

And somehow, what happened the night before kinda set the tone for a morose-filled weekend, and aptly touch the topic I had wanted to blog about.

All thanks to Brian, who extended an invite to me to attend an event by Ogilvy on 18th June, which allowed me the chance to meet the vivacious, shamelessly sentimental, and wonderfully talented Yasmin Ahmad, as well as getting acquainted with her brilliant productions which I would otherwise never know.

The socially awkward Brian met the socially awkward Ting, and it was pretty funny when I joked to Effy and her sister Banana, when I read the press kit and saw what was quoted of the director.

“While many of us value the relationships we have with our family members, not everyone is fortunate enough to grow up in a two parent household with all the comforts of life. I wanted to portray something from the cliches and connect with the audience on a more intrinsic level: that we can all find love in the family from the relationships we have.” — Yasmin Ahmad

“Hey, now I can see why I am invited!”

Brian shyly interrupted, “Uh, sorry for eavesdropping, but quite honestly it was indeed so.”

I laughed at his honesty which I deeply appreciated, as prior to the event, I was seriously wondering why I was invited, and promptly dragged Effy and Banana along.

All of us were pretty much lazy and yet, we still turned up, after surviving a long walk to The Screening Room. Yet, when we left, we were all glad we did, and it left us feeling warm and fuzzy for days to come.

We were first treated to a series of Yasmin Ahmad’s past work for Petronas, and I later sheepishly admitted that I teared in the theatre-liked darkness.

Of course there was one that made all of us coo, and laugh.

Tan Hong Ming In Love:

Though I must say I love the one about the reunion dinner. It made me cry. But I can’t seem to find the youtube link for it.

And the reason why we were all there for, the film that was about family, which some of you would have seen aired over the television these days.

FAMILY.

After the lights came on, Yasmin explained her ideas behind the film, when some of the guests questioned her concept of what constitutes a family.

Effy and I were annoyed at how some of the people could be so narrow-minded, and telling Yasmin how Singaporeans will not be able to relate to it.

One of them commented that “At home, we have one set of grandparents and a set of parents, and four of us could hardly manage, and it is hard for us to imagine how one parent can handle like in the film.”

Like, seriously?!

And they went on and on about how Singaporeans cannot accept this kind of concept, cos it ain’t real.

Like hello? In the ad, the mother died early, and the thing is, I have friends who lost BOTH their parents since young, and had their uncles/aunties raising them, and to them, they are never less of a family, you know? You can control one meh?!

And then there was one who commented how can a father be that patient, and it isn’t realistic.

And knowing how socially awkward I can be, my colleagues, friends and ex-schoolmates could verify how I HATE TO SPEAK OUT PUBLICLY. Especially in front of strangers.

I just loathe the feeling of having my tongue tied, and having all the eyes on you when you start speaking.

By then, Effy turned to me with her eyes rolled, “aren’t you gonna say something?”

When Yasmin turned her head to us, I found myself speaking. I immediately regretted the moment I did.

I found myself speaking of my Dad. The one who is a known tyrant to my mum, his family and his brothers.

The one who has no patience for almost anything, with the exception of me, and Minibean.

And then I spoke of the awkwardness that grew as I stepped into teenagehood, and how I always assumed he couldn’t understand, and was angry with him even, cos I was just, angry.

I thought of the days when Mum was not around and he would take care of me with plenty of clumsiness. We became untidy, we burnt a pot when he was cooking and threw away the evidence, making a pact that we would not tell Mum.

I thought of the cold-wars I had with him when I couldn’t get my way, before my guilt would consume me when he walked into the room in silence. And the guilt would have killed me when he returned home the next day with the ransom I demanded, so I would free all those stubbornness, and finally release the smiles.

I must have been really young back then, but my memory bank still serves me well.

I thought of how close we were when I was a mere kid, how he used to piggyback me and carry me around even though I was of my present height, back when I was twelve.

It was a journey of emotions when the film was aired.

And then I thought of how things changed as he aged, when he had that major heart attack, and he was no longer playing hide-and-seek with me, or going on to roller coaster rides with me.

I believe I could understand, but I just simply didn’t want to.

These days, I look at how he has aged, and I would feel sad.

Of course, there were much things on my mind I never did get to speak about, cos my nervousness got the better of me.

And then, there was also Minibean.

10 or 15 years down the road, will she be harbouring the same attitude towards me cos I didn’t give her what she wants? Or what she deserves?

And I laughed at the detail when the father said, “Your daughter ah!”, which I said once too often when totally exasperated.

There are too many other complicated elements that I perhaps will never get out of my system but they don’t quite matter when you simplify all things, and you realise, what you have with each family member, can form little snippets of the ad.

I could visualise what I could have with my Mum, and it just makes me realise it is just the simplest things we often overlooked, yet it is them which show us the most.

I was a floodgate of emotions that night.

And I am just gutted that at this point of my life, I couldn’t give them more, when they need it.

I wonder if I am more of a burden than a relief for them.

I never have the chance to tell them, nor would I ever, I think, cos “traditionally”, this is just not how things work, isn’t it?

Even a simple word of thanks, is not something we normally would say, cos it just seems so mushy and awkward.

But yes, if I could string a sentence of what I mean but could never say, it would have the words “sorry”, “thank you”, “love” all in them.