At work today, my common law mahjong hubby, sent me an excel spread sheet.

I promptly ran through the list with unadulterated concentration, and worked on it with undivided focus.

I fulfilled my wifey duties by completing the list.

I especially liked the Emergency kakis list.

I had a good laugh in the office, knowing there is an insane engineer out there, whose absence makes me have runny stools and presence gives me chills.

Maybe, it is time for me to draw up a potential FB list. I look forward to the comment section, definitely.

It is just sad that we know so many druggies in our lives.

Sometimes you do not know whether they are just addicted for all the wrong reasons which they think, or rather, assume, are right.

I am sorry I am cocaine, and she is heroin.

Did we make it that high? Did we let you escape from the reality you can’t face, or don’t want to face? Or it was just the state of ecstasy you couldn’t let go?
Maybe, just maybe, it was the same kick you can’t handle too.

We are one hard habit to break.

Or maybe, we are not, you guys are just sore that we are pushers who are, ironically, pushing business away.

The lack of posts can be blamed for various reasons.

Half-heartedness, or various day-to-day activities that pretty much left me with terrible bouts of migraine and little else. Not forgetting the torturous flow that makes me feel no better than a faulty tap of dense blood.

It all started with a terrible bout of migraine and an extremely dry throat that woke me up early on a Thursday morning, and I could feel the cold sweat making its easy way out of my pores.

The headache was a bitch, and I greeted the day with a frown, and a severe wave of nausea from the heaviness in my head.

Nah-uh, not a good sign.

I had to call in sick for the day, and the moment I walked to the hall, the suffocating heat would cause the throbbing in my head to up its pace.

I even thought I could read a few pages of my book, yet I could barely stand the sight of ant-sized words, and I fell into a deep slumber.

Alas, it was a day of family commitments, and I had to wake in the afternoon, dragging my battered body to the clinic, and then popped the painkiller there and then, as if I was an addict in need of a fix.

I spoke in my most demure voice for most of Thursday, and my whispers were almost inaudible to the strained ears of people I met.

And I have a new Eva Clutch. Glee and happiness is me!

Of course the story of it isn’t all that straight forward, but oh well, I shall make it my last indulgence for.. the next 6 months.

So I felt the pain spreading to my abdomen. It was no surprise where the cold sweating and pain came from. And it was no surprise as I linked the symptoms back to the excessive junkfooding, and the fiery temper that snapped at everyone just the day before.

Ahh…. no wonder. It came early this month!

Oh well. At least I now can blame the ever-expanding girth on water-retention!

***

I looked into the mirror and stared at the mess, which was probably staring back at the same mess, on Friday morning.

Casual Friday! My favourite day of the week

Headed to PC show in the afternoon, and headed for Marina Square for dinner where I bumped into Bernice and couple of her friends.

Went to watch The Happening. Quoting Cruz Teng who had quoted from another quote, “What’s happening? Nothing much, really.”

If there is any subtle deeper meaning to it(if you are watching it, just take note of the background to the nursery owner’s house and such and you get the drift), the presentation certainly didn’t do it any justice. Maybe we were waiting to see more development. Maybe we were anticipating more which wasn’t there.

We headed home after I made a mess of myself cos of the time of the month. I don’t quite remember such mess for a long, long while.

Played a round of 3-legged mahjong at Effy’s while we placed our miniscule bets on Euro matches, and I was heartbroken when my Italia shirt didn’t quite bring the Italians (gorgeous) lads much luck.

Ended the night early cos my stamina was definitely going nowhere.

And thanks to Effy, who lent me enough books to start a library.

***

I finished Yakuza Moon pretty swiftly on Saturday night, and it didn’t take me more than a couple of hours.

It wasn’t fantastic though the topic did give insights to a life which intrigues us yet we never quite heard of.

The dramas she been through, was something I would expected many people to go through, even amongst our friends, though perhaps in another form.

The book is overhyped, in my most humble opinion of course. The tattoo is nice though.

On the contrary, Marley and Me, which I sat through in one sitting on Sunday, did leave an impression, making it the 2nd book that has made me cried in recent weeks.

It was a great book. I laughed at the writer’s humour, which is the kind of humour I love to read.

The two books made me put aside Jodi Picoult’s Vanishing Acts, which I am just a quarter through.

That pretty much explains why my desktop is no longer feeling that much luurrrvveveee from me.

Then again, with the obsession with viwawa’s Big2.5….. my desktop is still very much in favour. I shall not say how I am annoyed with HP’s customer service which offered me not much help with my cranky desktop.

So, Saturday’s night, it was one of the easiest times we managed to get 4 people to hug the square table, and enjoyed mahjong till 5am, coupled with the excitement of 2 Euro matches.

It was a great night in/out.

Had dinner out on Sunday before heading home with 2 Barney CDs(the horrors!) and was greeted by an overzealous baby who was just back from her trip to Malaysia, meeting turtles, monkeys and a very nice MP.

Okay, that 3 shouldn’t go hand in hand together, but that pretty much sums up the highlights of her trip.

And oh did I mention she didn’t cry when taking her first jab on Monday?

Tough girl I tell you. Though on 2nd jab she did cry a little before the law of distractions always work.

And doctor says she is underweight.

(!!!!!)

My greedy daughter is underweight!

And my mum should know better now then tell me how she is growing fat and all(she restricts how much milk/food she is taking, claiming her tummy is getting too big, and screams at anyone in utter panic who gives her granddaughter food).

Now I might just have some clues to why I grew up underweight. The result of a mother with paranoia.

My tummy is feeling a little queasy on a Monday morning. Not a good sign.

Definitely, no good.

I got in early today knowing little people will be around.

Strangely, I like it very much this way.

After some discussion session, I was all ready to call it a day when something in the office cheered me up after a long day at work.

A cute little bear which has a stick up its ass(well, it has to hold up somehow), with a bunch of gerberas.

The flowers, together with the bear, accompanied my cold, lonely journey home in the torrential rain, after a nice evening of shopping and dinner with Wenmei and Lihui.

Was too lazy to retake with the flowers since I was without make up anyway. On an “auntie” day, you see.

Prettttyyy! Though I have to say the move to put the flowers on the mahjong table was an unintended one.

Though I really wouldn’t mind having lotsa flowers(my own of cos) at my next mahjong session. Not applicable to my Ping Hu, of course.

I woke up grouchy today.

It was no wonder that I could hardly drag myself out of bed, with a frown perfectly knitted on my face.

And the signs were all there.

I got home with 2 red blisters on my feet. Those heels. I am just not gifted in them, even at 140 a pop.

And then, my toenail fell out!!!!! Ouch. Now it is raw and horrible looking

This morning, my feet swell so badly that I struggled to fit into the pair of heels that fit so snugly yesterday. It was as if it swell by a shoe size, and I limped to the office.

Then, there are the 2 ulcers. Both pressing against my lower gums, and I wish I have a pack of salt right next to me right now so I can pour salt over them and rub them with brutal force till they peel and bleed, feeling the sharp sensation rushing through every nerve of my body.

My throat is perpetually dry and I could feel a little dry cough brewing.

I thought my floor was spinning this morning.

I sulked badly in the morning despite having ample sleep.

I woke up like umpteen times last night.

And the last time I woke up was at 5.30am, when I heard my parents.

THEY JUST CAME HOME WITH MY BABY!!!!!!

I got pissed and then I chided them for bringing her out after she had 2 jabs yesterday, and she is susceptible to chills and fever.

Actually, I got pissed cos they are often double standard when baby is with them, or with me.

And then I started raising my voice telling them off, and then they went all quiet, giving lame excuses of how she had napped and as I saw her awake at 5.30am did not help to elevate my anger.

I went to sleep angry and I am still pretty unhappy though my dad called earlier today to speak words of peace. Like subtly telling me how baby enjoys going out and blarblarblar.

Fuck! I also know she enjoys being out and one of the reasons why she demands to go out so often is because of over-indulgence like such.

And fuck! You always say how she shouldn’t go out after having jabs cos prone to this and that, yah lah, you expose her to so many adults in a smoky environment won’t submit her to this lah?

Nevermind. I still very pissed.

I didn’t say anything when you guys bring her back at 2am, and now, is fucking 5 fucking 30 in the fucking morning.

Okay. Rant finished.

And then I feel fat this morning. Fuck! I am getting fat. Don’t tell me anything else, cos the piece of fat hanging off my waist has my mum asking, “Ting ah, why your tummy so fat one ah?”

In my utter annoyance, I replied, “Well, I am a mother of a daughter, you also, see the difference?”

I have got a flab around my tummy and I think it is really what pissed me off big time.

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And?

My less than a year-old lousy HP desktop(it comes with USB ports in the front which don’t read anything that are plugged in! They are like big vijayjays that couldn’t feel small kkjs!) gave out horrible sounding sounds that make it sound more like those old-time fridges, than a computer.

Don’t you dare give me up when I am still paying for you every bloody month! Your bill comes more regular than my menses, can?!?!?!

Honestly my post could have been much more angsty if not for the fact that my colleagues made me laugh in the morning.

Oh well, who says work is the only element that pushes us off the cliff?

Okay. Meeting time.

I thought it would hurt, but strangely, I felt nothing.

It was exactly what I saw on her face, on their faces, that everything became crystal clear.

I saw it in her. In her. In her. And in him.

And you thought someone closest to you should have known better. And you thought looking beyond all those facades you would find someone you would know so well, believing in the better of her, simply because, there is no doubt.

And then what she said repeated itself over and over in me.

I didn’t find the consolation I need. All I found is a sense of coldness, that slowly kills the warmth in me.

It should. It is what it is there for.

No doubt, it is a shame.

No bitterness, just understanding. And that’s why, bitterness is for them to hold, not for us to do so.

I should be glad I get the better end of the bargain.

Cos at least, it didn’t hurt.

The weekend was a pretty one.

Though I seriously doubt that my stamina is going anywhere, especially when the mahjong table is concerned, and I am vastly annoyed by it.

Am I getting old?? Or am I just becoming normal? Boohoo.

I do think it is because I am playing less mahjong as I am playing ONLY once a week, and I had grown accustomed to sleeping early on weekdays, and not succumbed to rounds and rounds of ball balls, bamboos and tens of thousands.

After work on Friday evening, May and I dragged our lazy asses out of the office, dreadful of the peak hour traffic out there as we contemplated our journey to town. Yet, we bumped into some guys who were leaving our office after a meeting, heading to the places we were heading to!

So we happily bummed a ride out of them! Whee.

The long queues to various shops intrigued me. The lines snaking from Prada and Gucci were atrocious! And I actually grew bored enough to join the queue just to see what they were seeing. Heh, though I cheated a little with Gucci cos I was fortunate enough to bump into a friend who was queuing up at Gucci who happened to be right at the start of the queue.

I walked away unscathed, thank goodness.

It was like a market place, no joke.

And I could hear the Salespeople calling out to their colleagues for help, or ask another not to let so many people to come in.

Pretty chaotic though I would say there were pretty some good bargains in there.

Went to Kinokuniya to scout for a new read, but no luck there either.

Had dinner at Pepper Lunch before heading home to a very packed house.

Effy was already there with her luggage in tow, and Shaun was there as well.

Minibean was excited with the company, definitely.

Charlotte the babe reached pretty soon, and her boyfriend joined us with some supper and the night continued till 5 plus.

I dragged my tired ass into bed and woke up to a Saturday of babysitting.

Mum returned back only at 11 that evening and that left barely any time for me to head anywhere, and thus, I stayed in to watch movie(SAW IV is so not nice) on my desktop, and went on to do some reading.

I didn’t quite enjoy The Other Boleyn Girl quite as much as I thought I would, though I suspect the heaviness of the rivalry weighed me down a little too much for my liking. And I think it is also because I quite like Anne Boleyn and have a slight disdain for Mary Boleyn yet this book tends to weigh towards Mary Boleyn a tad too much.

It was a weekend but I surrendered to the sleepybug by 2.30am, early by my standard.

Brought baby out for grocery shopping and dinner on Sunday, and stayed out till 11pm.

She was tired on the way home, yet her ceaseless energy kept her up till 1ish.

***

It was a pretty weekend because I tried reading to an impatient little princess, who wants to listen to no story, yet has a penchant for tearing the books up.

She thinks I am her horse.

She wants my attention immediately when I turned to my book as she plays with her toys(well, not exactly toys, she would ransack all the drawers and a stray ang pow packet would be her new obsession).

She hugs plush toys like babies. She holds them close to her like how I carry her.

She pinches the loose skin on my cheeks, and neck.

She yakked non-stop on my phone. She will scream at me to ask me to slide up my phone just so she could play with the buttons. She made a few calls, all by herself, refusing to let me to answer any calls, nor reply any messages.

She called Ted, whom I had to explain how she would always press his number and that’s why he always had missed calls from me.

She yelled for the phone before I could continue and then she went on to say, “Korkor…”

And when I asked her to tell “korkor” her name is Tongtong, she went “Tongtong!”.

She went on to talk gibberish and I just let her do so, and then I said she should bid good bye. “Buai buai!”

She then dialled another number, gurgled her babytalk, and then another, and another….

I was mortified to find so many calls on the phone later on(Charlotte, if you reading this, she had called you, not me!).

We kicked the ball around, and she was so amused by it that when I accidentally kicked the ball a little too hard and it hit her vulnerable little chest, she was giggling at her first chest ball. I was just glad it was a soft, squishy ball and not a real foot ball.

A paper aeroplane was folded to imperfection yet brought her much joy as she fetched the stray plane all over the hall.

She ran around the garden just chasing after me, laughing and perspiring, like it was the most fun thing to do(NOT!).

And her new found interest - climbing up the stairs, and then, down.

Not a good one since Mummy is quite fearful of the stairs.

Still, she managed to climb 6 times up, and still a little unsteady on her flights down.

Her “Pleeeeee” and “Dan yew” (Please and thank you) are her weapons when she wants to ask for more food after she realised that her cries and wails don’t help her as much as her sweetest manners.

And as she was trying to busybody, she tripped on a small hump on the tarmac and fell. I gasped and she just looked up, looking puzzled. She stood up without crying, and then continued walking down the slope.

I sat her on a bench, and saw her knee was slightly grazed. Yet she is a brave little chick, and she stared at me as I knitted my brows heartpain-ly and rubbed her bruise.

I think her skin very thick, cos she was more puzzled about the fuss than anything else.

I know, I know, babies and kids fall down all the time.

Like how she toppled over the sofa and fell on her head(thank God for carpets!) when she clumsily lost her balance. She cried but ever so slightly cos when she sat up, she saw the sponge cake in my hands, and straight away said, “Mum mum…”

Like how my mum told me how she stood on the blanket and she accidentally pulled it from under her feet, and Minibean fell on her face.

Now I am intrigued by how many babies could actually survive childhood.

Though the weekend is tainted by the snide remarks from Mum(Dad is coming home later these days just to avoid her acid tongue and ignorant comments), but still, my tolerance towards her is higher these days with Minibean as the bridge.

Today will be the first time since her birth that I won’t be with her at her PD’s appointment, and she will be having her jabs.

I am not sure why I am jittery somewhat, though I am like the coolest and nonchalant Mum around.

But ah well, at least she will be angry with Popo and Gonggong putting her through it, not me. Heh heh heh.

You know how sometimes your mind throws some random questions about yourself, and you ponder over it excessively for a few minutes, when the questions are simply out of nowhere?

On a random day out for lunch yesterday, a colleague was telling another colleague how she had stomach upsets and the other colleague started saying how he had one just a few days ago.

I tried recalling when I last had one and then couldn’t quite remember. I think I have an iron stomach cos I have been one of those kids who grew up dirty and unhygienic.

And after lunch today, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, and felt a need for the loo. Just when I was in the lift.

Like, really, speak of the devil.

When I was on my journey to work today, I started to think about how I have become this totally unfeeling bitch.

I don’t think I know or still remember how to cry since… more than half a year ago.

Sometimes I wish I do, so that I can learn to feel again.

I didn’t cry when I watch those shows people told me to prepare extra kleenex for, and neither did I bawl when I was reading some of those tear-jerkers. Lies and betrayals don’t get tears from me no more.

How odd. How strange.

And then I started to think back the past few months, and thought how could I be so totally unfeeling, with my tears falling only days ago when I was watching the Chinese documentary Tuesday Report, when they interviewed the people who lost their closed ones to SARS.

I teared man. Oh and the incident somewhere along somewhere with someone when I started to discuss how I can’t look at people in their eyes.. that a couple of tears fell.

And then, just when I thought my walls have built up pretty sturdy, and I reveled in the thought of how strong I have been, I reached my work place.

And………..

….. as I concluded My Sister’s Keeper, I cried lah.

Silly man.

I think maybe I should start to recall when I last strike 4D…

The reading bug has hit me, like it always do, after staying dormant for a much longer time than I can remember.

I can’t remember when was the last time I read a book, but whenever I feel like reading, the urge to finish book after book is hard to resist.

It is the perfect way to escape from reality, and at the same time, getting to know things like I never did.

I used to love thrillers, and fictional books that have lotsa suspense in it. I am a fan of surprises, evidently.

After some work errands which ended later than expected on a quiet Monday evening, the Times bookshop nearby had its draw on me.

I pranced around the bookshop excitedly, and then called JD for some recommendation on books to read.

Not feeling chick-litty, I opted for the “very good book”, Princess, by Jean Sasson.

But it had ran out of stock, and I went out of the bookshop empty handed.

Just as I was about to call it a day, I was randomly reading a poster, and the read signage above it caught my eyes.

It was that of a 2nd hand bookstore!

Woohoo!

I went up and I managed to get 2 books which I was earlier looking for, a book highly recommended by Effy - My sister’s keeper, and Jean Sasson’s Princess.

I started with Princess, and I think it isn’t very wrong to say that it was one of my very first times reading a non-fiction book.

I didn’t finish a chapter before I fell asleep at 9 plus on a Monday evening. Loser.

The next day, I continued on during lunch time, and caught up quite a bit over the 1 plus hour of treacherous journey home. From waiting for the bus, to on the bus, to waiting for another bus, and even when I was walking.

When I got home, my very own princess vied for attention and I didn’t manage to continue until she was out doing grocery shopping with my parents.

She has grown so much, you know. It won’t be long before she starts stringing a sentence and drown me in her endless “why”s.

She now searches for people closest to her, and will go into rooms calling out “Mama” knowing that’s where I normally will be. When I ain’t there, she will flip her little hands over and over and say “Mei you(don’t have)”.

She now pronounce her “please” as “pleaaa”, and she now knows how to pass object to other people.

Most importantly, she shows care and love to little things, like the little bear given by grandma, and she will hug plushies like babies, and will squeal “Baaaaayyybeeeeee!” before she tuck the little toy under her chin and hug it with lotsa tenderness and love. And she will always lean her head in on the “baby”, and hold it closer whenever I say “Hug tight tight!”

As much as she is stubborn and stingy with her kisses, she will always have spares for the little “babies”.

She is getting more active, and extra efforts have to go into “goal keeping” as we try to keep her away from hazards in the house.

Her smiles are amazing lah.

I managed to finish my book on the Saudi Arabian princess by 1am, and can’t wait to start on Jodi Picoult one.

And I think my interest for non-fiction books are officially stirred, for I learnt much more of cultures, history, and other people.

Strangely, now I have a certain lust for history books, a genre I have never ventured into.

Maybe something about the life of Lenin, Stalin or influential historical figures who led dramatic lives that fascinated generations(King Henry VIII is fascinating too!).

Yeah, I am a fan of drama, what can I say?

And now, I wonder how long my excessive reading obsession will last before I will stop for months, before being bitten by the reading bug again.

It is Monday, and yet another new day, new week, at work.

Strangely, I take to this routine pretty well, however awkward I feel at times.

The hermit meets the world, or so I feel sometimes.

The past week, was interesting.

I had a fabulous massage at HelioAsia on Thursday, which is really poshposhposh. Too bad in my rush for my mahjong game, I had given the jacuzzi a miss.

It wasn’t long before Friday came, and my mahjong wife was back.

So you know, after you cheat on someone, you have to give them back good good one time?

And after not seeing Yixuan for the longest time, he actually called to ask me for mahjong. And he was the one who honed my mahjong skills back in 1997, 1998, you know? All the funny-named ways to game, were the ones he taught me.

A trip down memory lane, yet again.

We ended early as Effy and I had something on the next day.

The next day, Effy, JD and I were somewhere in the north east, and posing embarrassing questions to the Sagittarius and Cancerian male.

And most importantly, I finally got to meet the guy famous for his meatloaf.

Cough.

Lunch and then it was home for a nice nap before we met up for Sex and the City midnight show.

Woohoo! It was fabulous lah!

We giggled at the hey-i-have-been-through-that-befores and it-happened-to-mes. It was nice.

Went home, and I dozed off while watching the finale of CSI:Miami. I didn’t even realise it was the finale.

And fans will be expecting a big shock. And I hate, hate, hate, cliffhangers

Oh, I rewatched the episode yesterday night, cos I dozed off halfway on Saturday late night.

Replenished the rest I missed for the week, and my munchkin Minibean was back yesterday noon!

Brought her out shopping in Orchard where she charmed many, and she is now in the phase that she wants to choose her own clothes.

She opted for a pair of jeans, instead of the red outfit my mum chose for her. She then refused to wear the red outfit, which honestly, isn’t Mummy’s favourite. heh.

Tsk tsk, vanity runs in the family.

We headed home and she fell asleep in my arms on the cab. I hugged her as I dozed off for a while too.

Back home, she showed me how she does somersaults(!!!!) and how she puts her legs behind her head(!!!!).

It was an interesting day with her.

Lots had happened. Lots of thoughts on things, but maybe until the day I allow myself to feel again, I might not be able to explore them and put them down in words.

It has been a whirlwind year. Too much, too fast.

But hell ya, I am enjoying every bit of it.