.. To my dream of becoming a rockstar.

Daniel called late last night to get his set of console back. Together with it, was a set of Rockband we co-shared 4 months back.

I knelt on the floor as I slowly dismantled the drum set bit by bit, until I could stuff them into the old, tattered box…

Then I took one last look at the guitar…

The base of the drum went in first, then the supporting poles.. and there were lotsa tangled wires when I slowly stacked them into the box… I thought there were more things to fill, but the box was much bigger than I had expected it to be.

As I closed the lid of the box delicately, I even gave it a sentimental hug as I said goodbye.

Letting go can be so much easier than it is.

The song “Creep” and “Don’t look back in anger”, my favourite songs on it, played in my mind, as finale.

Maybe, one day, when I miss it enough, I will go get a set for my Xbox 360.

Maybe, the withdrawal symptoms will kill me that I would get a replacement to get over the loneliness.. the loss of my ambition…

Did I ever mention that few years ago, I had wanted to pick up medicine and be a doctor? I spoke to a friend till late one night, and since he was a childhood friend(we went over to UK in the same year… and he is now a doctor, and getting married soon), I openly spoke about it, and seriously toyed(haha, what a way to put it) with the idea.

I thought I was too old then. I was… perhaps, 23? And of cos, confidence level was never high enough… I am stupid, remember?

Like how I am crap with Rock band, as much as I enjoyed the game.

And like always, I shun my dreams once too often…

It is a pity, as I look back. If it had went what it had planned, I would have been a graduate like my parents always wanted me to be, possibly with a degree in Psychology in UCL or Chinese Studies in NTU.

Of course, I was the one who never made it, the one who… failed. Always, too badly.

I wish I am a doctor, or maybe, a lawyer, or just somebody. I wish I am beautiful, inside out. Untaintedly pretty.

Alas, I am not, and with a baby in tow. What can I give? What can I offer? Who can I be?

A mother, that’s all I know. 

Don’t get me wrong, she is the one thing in life I am most proud of. Cos how could someone so brilliant… be 99.999% mine(oh yes, the DNA profiling was out yesterday).  

What if I dream of being… more?

Can I? Will I? Should I?

Alas, social stigma baby. You don’t think of it this way, I don’t think of it this way.. there will always be people who judge.

And sorry, I don’t buy “Who cares”.

Cos essentially, I do.