I am obviously not thinking very straight at this moment.

I am amazed I can still function.

The nap did me good, and thank God for the nap. I woke up at 1ish and she was having fever. The night seemed neverending from there.

Mum had problem giving her medication and I could hear mum calling for me to help.

So the night was filled with her cries, cos she was(and still is) incredibly needy and manja and cranky, and I did work through the cries.

The routine goes like this: Oh! An idea…_-Type type type- -Cries- Runs next door…. Comes back into room, er, where did I stop?

I am just glad I managed to give her some comfort throughout the night, and managed to “market” her medication in unusual ways to make her give in and swallow it.

And then there was the session at 5ish… and lasted all the way till 7ish, with my mum trying to sponge her forehead, and she struggled and cried.

I took a doll and pretend to sponge the doll, and I nearly had to sponge every single doll/plush toy, before she thought it was fun to do so and allowed me to wipe her forehead.

She sulked badly, but who can blame her?

She started having runs throughout the night, and this morning, she refused to move herself from the potty, for reasons I know not of.

I can’t understand her discomfort though I know it has been a great improvement in her communication skills to tell us that she was experiencing pain yesterday.

I get panicky because it bothers me greatly to see her in discomfort, and there is not much I can do about it.

Seriously, I understand when people say “my heart aches when I see my child like this.”

So don’t ever doubt your parents when they say that, cos… fuck, I am getting teary-eyed as I typed this.

And then, you still have to make painful decisions and be in control, however unwilling you are.

Like after how she saw to the trick of me pretending the syringe is a straw(she fell for it anyway), how I put the syringe away this morning, and took a soup spoon to mislead her to believe there was soup on the spoon, how I put honey stars in the medication… and fed her with it….

… Then she still refused to take her medication.

So, there is no other way…. but…..

… with my mum grabbing her cheeks(I don’t think I can do that…) and shove the medication down her.

That was the hardest part, cos I am always paranoid that I would see resentment in her eyes for me, for doing that to her.

I am such a emo-paranoid mama!

She still doesn’t take much fluids, though is doing much better than yesterday.

But the moment she drinks/eats, off the potty she goes.

I am working from home today after 2 hours of sleep(she was still screaming at 8am, and she woke up very manja-ish). When she is manja, she expects you to sit next to her and do whatever she asks for.

So demanding. So diva. So Mummy.

Get well soon baby.

And sometimes, I secretly takes a slight satisfaction from her misery, because when she is needy, she wants me.