Weekends are no longer those where I have privilege of non-accountable sleeping-ins.

I played Xbox 360 till late last night after returning from Minibean’s 2nd birthday gathering at her father’s place, despite being totally tired, exhausted, and drained.

Mum was already sick when I left home yesterday with Minibean(Dad to Minibean to my Mum..), and I woke up like a tonner had ran over me.

Nonetheless, the party must go on, right?

As much it had became more of an obligation on my part that I wanted to get over with swiftly, and as painlessly as possible.

It wasn’t organised by me this time round, thus the limitations of invites. But I just want to say a big thank you, to all of you, who had made this a pleasant event. And it was nice catching up under the stars… and.. it was nice.

And it is amazing how they had made it seems like an effortless event when I had struggled and lost sleep over the 2 celebrations prior to this(full month and 1st year).

So.. great, it had turned out much better than I had anticipated it to be. And she was happy, and that in turn, makes me happy.

Honestly, part of me wished I could reach home earlier, cos I could hardly hold everything together and really in need of a good, good rest.

After killing a few locusts and plenty of swearing later, I nearly fell asleep behind the controller.

And then I did.

I woke up with my controller and headset(for the other online players to hear me swear and curse) beside me.

Well, these days I must be some very important person. Cos I have people asking me if I am still alive(okay, not really), and they are really worried when they don’t hear from me within say, 12 hours.

I got annoyed, because I didn’t used to have the obligations to return calls/answer calls when I slept through 16 hours to say I am still alive and breathing and I have not died in my sleep yet.

And I was pretty glad that I went through most of my life without that obligation, thank you very much.

And I got annoyed, because when I say I ain’t free for the day, that doesn’t stop people from trying. A bit too hard, that is.

Cos they will try, even for that hour of breathing/recharging time you set aside for yourself.

Even when you said you want to complete some work.

I lost my patience somewhere in between. And I am sorry for that. Cos you might not have meant it that way, and I know you have put it as subtly as possible, but please don’t overlook my needs when you are pressing for your own.

And fuck the sorrys. When in the first place you don’t even know where you went wrong. And I will be, as usual, anticipating more of this, and let the vicious cycle repeats itself until it reaches my pissed-me-off limits, and I pack my bag and run.

When I run, I make sure you don’t find me.

The pretence of being understanding has “trying too hard” written all over it, cos when crunch time comes to call for some, no one is able to give any.

And people ask why would I rather spend my time elsewhere.

***

I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today which called for the potentially hurting rants above. It is nothing personal, but I am just getting easily spooked these days. I tend to have to guard myself when the traits are showing, so I could… I don’t know.

And. Partly, mostly, because my report is still going nowhere.

I am getting fearful to even start typing it for every sentence seems to be a potential source for endless questions upon scrutiny.

I have changed it at least 4 times. And it is still flimsy as hell.

And that is WHY I want to sit myself in front of my notebook instead of be here, or there, or even to reach home earlier.

And my working style is I don’t like to be distracted/disrupted, hence the reason why I woke up at 5 these days for space of my own.

***

My air con is a little cranky these days. I think the compressor has been overworked.

I thought something fell in the kitchen that night.

No, nothing.

It was just another episode of one of those.

I might have been cool, or even looked cold.

It is hard not to when the blood that runs through me could almost freeze.

***

Last night, just when I was at my tired-est, Dad called.

Well, when he had asked me to “volunteer” some help at a function tonight, I declined, cos I really want, need(desperately, I might add) to stay home to finally accomplish some stuff.

And it was the only space I could have to myself.

And of course, when he started throwing my excuses out of the window, I know it has officially became an OBLIGATION.

So I will be attending an event, very unwillingly, I might add, (trying to) look dazzling (even when I don’t feel up to it, or want to do it), smile my fakest, and pretend I enjoy every bit of it.

I became a sacrificial lamb when someone in the meeting suggested using me instead of paying for someone else to do it, and my dad… of cos, wouldn’t say no.

So after giving all sorts of excuses even valid ones like how I really need time to do my work after a week of poor rest, sick family and other commitments.. like all other male on this planet earth, they only see what they want, and I couldn’t say no.

Eventually, I told him, I really don’t want to do it.

He said with a nice tone, “Don’t be like that lah… confirm ok?”

So, it’s a deal, I will have to take 2 hours(okay, fuck, with travelling expense out of my own pocket, it will still take me 3 hours… and make up leh?), and probably waste my most productive timeframe of my entire weekend away tonight.

I loathe weekends these days.

No, I loathe my life these days.

No lah, maybe just myself.