Office geek just found me on messenger and messaged me.

Gasp. Hiccup.

OG [1:26 PM]: harlow

Aunty [1:26 PM]: Hi…

OG [1:27 PM]: yesterday i cant recognize you , cos i’m stunned that you’re pretty

Aunty [1:29 PM]: oh hi, that was you. I didn’t know your name

OG [1:30 PM]: oh ya , this is my name , does it sound nice ?

Aunty [1:30 PM]: yah, much better than my gender-confusing one

OG [1:31 PM]: =/

 maybe u can get ay english name

 how about i think abt one for u ?

Aunty [1:33 PM]: haha i wonder what u can come up with

OG [1:33 PM]: hmmmm … let me brain storm a bit

 emmmm … i’ll let u know laterZ

 i’ll find one cute cute sweet nameZ

Aunty [1:34 PM]: ………… cute doesnt suit me!

OG [1:36 PM]: ……..
 
 sweet ?

Aunty [1:36 PM]: er…also doesnt..

OG [1:37 PM]: ……………. why wor

Cough. Giggles.

I was having a meeting at Petronas tower when he messaged me. I tried hard not to burst out giggling wor.

And when I didn’t reply, he typed: ”I almost wanted to ask if you got a bf”

I very shy wor. So I never replyZ.

When I didn’t.

He followed up again with “i almost wanted to ask if you got a bf , see if i have any hope anot “Seriously baby, you have no idea what you are getting into. WorZ.

Strangely, after the intense series of events that happened…. life is back to a hint of normalcy, and with everyone kinda make-belief that nothing had ever happened, like, everything would be forgotten and swept under the carpet.

Or that, everyone got what he wanted.

Or that, everyone could deny that very part of he/she, which scare everyone, and most of all, him/herself.

All I remember was the chill. The hollowness without a bare trace of energy. The helplessness, which took on a life of its own… morphing into sheer coldness. What do you do when you can’t think of anything to please everyone?

What do you do when you find you are at fault, and when things spiral into such big mess, the way you handle it makes it into a bigger drama than you can ever imagine.

At the end of it, you laugh as you recount the episode, you joke about it, you speak like not an eyebrow was raise, not a single feeling hurt, not a hair was tussled.

Truth is, I don’t ever believe things like this go away. It just stays in a corner of your memory, tuck away, until the demons come out to play. Again.

And then came the remedy.

Came the chance for me to run away. It would have been good. Sorry, just not with you. Nor you.

Maybe an unfamiliar place will erase the memories. Maybe a distant enough place will convince us some things never happened.

Sadly, everything, every episode had etched deeply in the corner closest to me, and I will bring them wherever I go.

And unfamiliarity further unsettles me.

It was the house where things happened. Between him and her. Between me and you. Between me and him. Between… me and her.

The place, I once tried hard to stay away from. So.. to draw myself away from my reality.

Ironically, it is the only safe haven I have so much familiarity with, yet not know how its peace could be disturbed, intruded.

Then again, it used to house so much, this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

I think the amount of drama that had happened here, could be easily made into, what a friend said, Korean/Hong Kong drama serial. I didn’t contest that, cos much had indeed happened.

(Side track a little, whee, I am finally typing with my injured finger again! Though it feels a little strange cos of the sporadic weird twitches from the injured nerve)

Damn drama, damn surreal lah. Wah lau, don’t get migraine also cannot. Breathe also cannot, take medication also cannot. Seriously, got more… uh, drama or not?

Maybe too much of it, numbs you, that you are not awed by the fact anymore. And the detachment that follows, is just a wall nicely built up in a second.

And then the funny ideas that crept up on you, when you least expected, are usually the most dangerous.

Isn’t it funny what chain reactions can bring about? The self-destruction nature in all of us.

I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled.

I was feeling light-headed. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I could faint any time.

It was as if… I felt……… air cutting away from me. It was as if… I felt the strong arms around me, forcing the last gasp of air out of me, as he clung on to me tightly.

It was painful. It was suffocating. I choked. I coughed. I begged to be let go. I pushed, I shoved, I fought.

It was as if I felt him reaching out to me as I sat there, letting out a wail of anguish as I tore my hair in exasperation. I pushed, I shoved, I fought.

I shook. Oh hell, how I shook. Badly.

The chills, fuck, the chills.

Your teeth fight for space as they hit each other. You grit them tightly. You make-belief that’s all the strength you need.

***

The aftermath had everyone sober.

And the angels all surfaced like the demons were never seen, nor heard.

I don’t deal well with emotions, but I fucking can’t deal well with pretense. What’s with the overly sweetness and understanding-ness when we all know what was up on your minds.

Trying to convince you me him her you are okay, you are sane, so that no one will walk away without looking back.

You see, isn’t it funny no one ever thought what I really needed then?

They thought they could, they thought each other could, they thought… wait a minute, they only thought about themselves, huh?

I want space, I want peace, I want… to do my work.

It was impossible.

Red mist. and red, red mist.

Then, their turns to escape.

My turn to breathe easier.

***

Actually, work is fabulous when all your focus is on it and nothing else.

***

He said, “Let’s go somewhere. Let’s go Tioman. Now, if you want. You can take leave. Or Friday night, back on Sunday night.”

Tempting. Very tempting. I would love to go for a dive. I need a dive.

But no, not with you. Not now. Don’t be mistaken, it is just me, who just wants to stay put. I don’t want to be away for the wrong reasons, like everything could be erased, just like that.

Pending work is there. Commitments come first.

With all the irony, and the way the stars wrote it as it is.

He said, “Come to Jakarta. Fly in on Friday night and you can get back on Sunday night. There’s spa here, and it is very quiet and relaxing. You could chill here.”

Tempting, very tempting. A sponsored ticket. I would love to go some place just to chill. I need to be relaxed.

But no, not with you. Not now. Don’t be mistaken, it is just me, who just wants to stay put. I don’t want to be away for the wrong reasons, like everything could be erased, just like that.

Pending work is there. Commitments come first.

This is no longer funny. But eerie.

Like looking on to strangers, who are anyone but.

If I could do it, I could be at Tioman diving, doing my work at night. I could be at Jakarta, having spa right after some work.

Yah, but it will be perfect if it is my perfect, impromptu, solo holiday.

***

No solo holiday.

Someone might be heading to KL with me in less than 2 weeks’ time for my work trip.

A work trip means I get to spend very short time in KL, and it will be nice, just me and you.

***

So back to status quo, huh?

Tuesday never happened. Just like Wednesday never did.

***

The red rose/roses, had turned from a pretty hue of red.. to almost black.

***

And Thursday? I was stuffed with food.

Just before noon, my boss bought us lunch so we could have staff meeting, while stuffing our faces with food.

The 3 of us munched away as presentations were made, plans were discussed, and the beef was really good. Yums.

Then before I knew it, a message came in.

“I will buy lunch and drop it off at your office.”

“Nah, no need, I will meet you then.”

At the exact moment. A call came in from the receptionist.

McDee’s.

By the time meeting was over, the fries were soggy.

The receptionist 2 floors down, was slowly getting acquainted with me.

“Ah.. either the flowers, or McDonalds’”

“Sorry, was in a meeting, I totally missed this, and sorry you waited this long.”

“So someone knows u you are working very hard.”

“Naaahhh we already had lunch before that!”

“It’s good, it shows you have many people concern about you,” she said with a nice, understanding smile.

As I walked out, I was standing outside the sliding door when I turned, “You know, sometimes too much of a good thing, is not necessary a good thing.”

I had the drink, had the McWings, and shared the nuggets with my very excited boss.

“McDonald’s! Yay! Hey wait, you had lunch!”

“Woops. Yeah…”

“Oh! Someone delivered it again!” he quipped.

“Uh.. yup!”

“Tell your boyfriend your boss loves McDonald’s…”

“Actually he isn’t a boyfriend…”

“Oh whatever!”

“Uhm.. sorry I know this sounds really, really, really odd… but er, can I go out for lunch now?”

“Huh? Sure! Tell him I say thank you!”

“Oh, er, this is another one.”

He gave me the most comical expression ever.

***

Lunch was awkward. It really was.

***

I was so tired yesterday. I told myself I would treat myself to a cab ride after leaving office late.

I took a long, long walk down Shenton Way, before I knew it, my phone battery died on me, and I was at Keppel, just before the entrance to expressway.

No cabs. 10pm.

I had no choice but hopped onto a random bus.

It was hard staying awake.

Then I got off randomly, wanting to grab shampoo. It was in the queue I realised they don’t accept credit cards.

I went to the MRT station to draw money. Then I realised I forgot to bring my purse out!!!

So I had no cash or anything.

Luckily I didn’t flag a cab from town, nor did I flag a cab from wherever I was.

So stupid ah me.

***

I feel an unexplanable anger towards the world today. Not really like ROARR-I-WANNA-KILL-ALL-OF-YOU kinda anger, but more of I-am-pissed-and-sulky-and-unhappy.

***

Sometimes, I do wish I could be better. Much better.

***

I slept well last night. I was so tired I don’t think I even know how I fell asleep.

***

Have you ever seen someone so afraid, so helpless, so…. fragile?

And then you wonder how are you ever going to walk away, cos you have been there, yourself.

And then you wonder how you could ever let yourself be so cruel.

I looked on from a distant, when I wasn’t that far away.

The wails. The sobs. The tears. The shaking. The trembles. The fear.

Shaking like a leaf. Wait a minute, the heartbeats. You could feel them as they cling onto you with their every might.

The solid thumps.

You could almost feel how hard they are beating as you hold them closer and tighter in your arms, the only assurance you could give. Maybe that’s why it was so painful.

They refused to let go.

Hush hush. How do you say hush hush?

You can’t. You have to sacrifice and compromise yourself.

Make promises they want to hear, say things to make them feel better.

Do things against your will, to please them, to… appease them.

Truth is, I don’t need anyone. I don’t need these. I don’t want these. I don’t want anyone.

Then again, is the choice mine?

They want to be listened. They don’t want to hear.

I can’t be heard.

***

They believed.

They hoped.

I am sorry baby, if only you guys know.

***

Unfortunately, I no longer believe, I no longer hope.

I can keep up with the pretense at my own expense, I am sure.

I can put on the brightest smile, the sweetest self. I can.

If you want me to.

*Beams the brightest smile*

***

I couldn’t breathe well the past few days. It doesn’t take much for me to quicken my breath, and feel dizzy and out of air.

It comes and goes.

Comes and goes.

I am not losing it. So not.

***

My laundry area, where the compressor is, has became a new hot spot.

It really has.

It has Minibean’s jacket hung innocently above the washing machine… and a couple of garments on the floor. Was it the wind? Or was it you? Or you?

Maybe, I should try to understand its charm when everything seems bleak and dark. Maybe I will see hope, and stars.

***

Do you know it can serve as a good chilling spot for a cigarette as you ponder how hopeless your life seems?

Do you know it can serve as a good spot to get in, when you don’t have keys with you? Or when the door bell isn’t greeted?

All you need is to leave your slippers by the parapet, jumped the distance to the compressor, and there, you are in.

You could then coolly stroll to the room, looking for the lost key you left behind. Maybe sanity too.

***

And suddenly, I laughed at the atrocity of every, single detail.

The migraines didn’t go away. I popped pills and tried willing them to go away.

***

I am sorry.

There is something in me. The little memory bank of mine.

That will, never forget.

No matter how hard you remedy. I can’t. And possibly, I won’t allow myself to.

Even if you think I already did. Even if you try to prove me wrong.

***

The strange thing is, people have this to constantly prove us wrong.

And when you want them to strike a balance, you get more than what you bargained for.

Like, you wonder where did the rage and force came from when someone makes a grab of your arm and pushes you down on the bed. When all you remember was smiles, giggles, and never a tinge of negativity was ever noticed.

Like, you wonder where did all the brokenness and tears and hopelessness come from when someone stood in the darkness, inspecting every detail of your face… when never ever such weakness came through.

What you don’t see, don’t mean it is not there.

***

Is it irresponsible to say that I feel equally for both?

Nah.. you think it is not possible.

Nah.. you think I must have felt more. Or less.

I felt equally suffocated. Equally irked. Equally pressured. Equally helpless. Equally.. equally.. so.

***

It is weekend.

Strangely, the only thing to weekend I miss these days, are the long sleeping hours till afternoon.

I feel like staying put, not going anywhere.

I am not moving. I am not moving.

Even if you thought I did.

My colleagues, upon reading Never perfect, had kindly illustrated their experiences with Mr Perfect-or-so-they-thought.

So.. Miss A has this to share:

Eg:

Multi personality…. MSN or any online chat (Joker)

On Phone (Machiam act philosopher, go on and on about all types of theories and “am so dead serious”)

SMS ( Normal caring sorta person)

;

;

;

;

;

I was so freak out I don’t even dare to meet him in person, as It makes me wonder whether am I communicating

With one pax or different pax all these while. In the end I just get rid of him out of my life for good.

He explains his into role playing, for the sake to be able to think in a more rounded manner. But I just can’t stand it ….

Scenario 10

Attention seeker

He’s all well and okay, all that you wanted in a guy except for the fact that he is a pure attention seeker.

Once you are on the hook, he make you feel as though it was one-sided affection all along

I feel ya, sista.

Miss B, then shared this.

Scenario 11

They are successful, charming and super workaholics. They spend all their time working and earning so much cash that they are so generous. Every time they ask you out for dinner, you can be assured of a lobster meal. They tell you how much they like you but they know they aren’t ready for commitment; not because they don’t like your enough but because they have had bad experiences in love and they are so jaded that they are afraid of commitment. They are simply waiting for “the one” to appear in their lives so that they can pledge their undying love for her. Every day, you try to reform them and to make them believe true love prevails.

Jaded & cynical as they are, they believe that they should just throw themselves into work because work delivers the highest ROI. Whenever you miss them and want to meet them, they are always working into wee hours of the night… like 6am??

Then you realize they spin this story for every girl actually and you’re probably the 7^th or 8^th girl he’s sleeping with simultaneously at that moment. No wonder he’s always busy with work.

And of course, Weili has left a tag to say how scenario #1 had happened to her, before the horror of the past caught up with her with #6, and that it was a memory deserved to be censored, deleted, forgotten.

Some others, like us, remained scarred for very long time. Wahahahaha. I mean seriously, a trauma like this, stays.

Ladies, never, ever, censor such memories. They serve as reminders, they serve as painful experiences that should warn us, never to have too uhm… BIG an expectations out of Mr Perfect.

Ahem.

And then, I realised, the number 1, golden disappointment most reported, is…. #6.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I deduce, too-good-to-be-true-guys are.. well, you know, less fortunate, which in turn, make us very unfortunate.

Next time you wonder why a hot babe is dating ugly guys, you have to remind yourselves that, “Ahhh… I can see why.” Maybe, you will feel better.

And for guys who think they are perfect, who are protesting against this finding, send me your pictures/credentials and evidences(ahem, which will be verified) to fight your case, other than that, I also can say anything I want you to believe.

Coincidentally, I read this off from The Butterfly Tales,

For men, the ownership of a penis is a biological excuse to proxy the chastising of societal myopia on sexual liberty. Men have a penis, which drains blood from the brain to the penis in several instances, attributed usually by, short skirts, cleavages, hot women in body hugging latex or maybe in some parts of the world, the rear end view of a sheep.

When men see a hot woman, the thought process runs through a stimulus of varying questions. They think,

1. I wonder how it feels like to be in bed with her
2. Does she blow well?
3. I wonder if she licks ass
4. I wonder if we have to spoon after sex

When women see a hot man, they think,

1. I wonder if he has a nice personality

Yes, it sucks not to have a penis. It’s a generalization of a sample population I know, because I do have female friends who are primarily concern with more pressing issues like penis length, girth and wash board abs. And similarly I do have male friends who are also concerned with trivial stuff like character and compatibility, things that only prove to me they are gay.

Inversely, women are much more into details when it comes to sex. I’ve sat through many sex talk sessions with my female friends and I realize women divulge a lot more than men do. Here are some of the things they ask,

1. “Was he good?”
2. The size of the penis
3. “Does he kiss well?”
4. “What did you do after sex?”
5. “When?? How?? Why??” All these usually start with, “Oh my gawd!”

Men keep it simple.

1. “Was it a good fuck?”

Men don’t really want to hear details of their friend fucking some other chick, more so if it’s a hot chick. They are also not genuinely interested to know if that girl was great in bed, what they really want to know, is if they can score as well.

Fundamental differences of men and women.

And then, a possibly perfect boy spoke up(well, he had said that if a lady assumes a guy is all of #1 to #7, anything more is a bonus).

Inspiration for blogging comes in moment like that where the only thing I should be doing is STUDY. Of course, stealing ideas and improvising it for my own use comes handy too. So, today, I am going to talk about girls, and how imperfect they are.

Yes, girls, who will never be ladies.

Have we always been fantasizing about the girlfriend from heaven?

The drop dead gorgeous head turner who is a road hazard just by standing at the side of the road? The one who long silky hair, big sparkly eyes that will melt even the icebergs at Antarctica. Feminine but not weak, financial independent (although we all secretly hope to get more than that), smart, witty and desirable by others. Throw in the ability to whip out a good meal… bliss.

But wait, god is fair. And so he’ll definitely put in a few nasty surprise… like…

1. Hopelessly insecure

She calls you every minute, and demands you stop seeing all your BFBs. A psychopath whom puts in a GPS tracking unit in your car and wires your phone. A second look at the cute chick that just walk pass will result in endless yap about straying and that how insecure she feels. Don’t even think about having small talk!

2. Her way is the only way

There’s only one way of doing it and it is her way. After the make-up she puts on during courtship, the cracks start showing soon enough. She wants to go Changi by PIE and would rather U-turn than to take ECP. She thinks *insert anything here* is the best and you better agree to prevent World War III erupting.

3. Moral police

Nuff said. In a way related to the point above.

4. Illiterate to household chores

Being waited by her maid all her life, household chore has never been in her dictionary. To make things worst, you only realize it when moving in together. From washing the basin to cleaning the kitchen, clearing junk from the bin, washing clothes and all things needed to keep the house in one piece. And to make things worse, she throws her clothes all around, leaves her junk everywhere and makes a big mess for you to clean up. No good, no good.

.
.
.
.
.

…and the list goes on.

And I’ve come to terms that god is fair and no one’s perfect. Not even myself =P

However, that doesn’t mean we should all jump into what look’s like a good deal, for many a times, it is usually too good of a deal. Taking from Let’s go to the supermarket, we should amble leisurely down the aisles and see what’s available - squeeze the fruit, taste the free morsels, or check out a new brand of juice rather than grab the first available item before a mad rush to the cashier. Not to the extend where you would rather walk out empty handed than to settle for second best, but least make an informed decision after careful research.

Life’s always fair, we just have to be patient, open our eyes and ditch that pair of glasses =)

All I read, and agreed with, is the part about “squeeze the fruit, taste the free morsels, or check out a new brand of juice“, though I know it probably means something very different from what I assume it to be. I swear it’s the alcohol from last night.

Cough.

There I was, being all shallow about physical attributes, and a boy, dwells deeper than that.

And then I refer back to Butterfly’s post.

I bowed my head in absolute shame.

And then I shoved my hand down my panties to check.

Have I being a male all my life and not aware of it all the while?!

The newly upgraded wordpress is doing much to my li-blog-do. I am churning out one entry after another one, and still feeling that I can churn out more.

So, today, I am going to talk about boys, and how imperfect they are.

Yes, boys, who will never be men.

It is such a serious topic that I should have your full concentration and nothing else.

I mean, have you ladies met someone, and thought he is sooooooo perfect?

Attractively cute, amazing body, awfully sweet, utterly talented, absolutely kind, impossibly intelligent, incredibly witty, deservingly a highflyer, owns a bachelor pad that readily awaits your toiletries in the bathroom, and a spare walk-in wardrobe for all the clothes he would surprise you with?

And the kitchen he cooks for you in.

And oh, who can forget the sleek convertible that would witness countless romantic dates, as he sweeps the hair away from your face, and you think to yourself “What would my previous loser ex think if he sees this?”

But! SERIOUSLY????!!!!

Okay *snaps fingers* back to reality, let’s just say, he is EVERYTHING you ever dream of.

BUT, SURELY, THERE IS SOMETHING IMPERFECT ABOUT HIM RIGHT?

I mean, how could someone have ALL the things going for him? This man couldn’t be of existence, isn’t it?

Then again, I do hear of such men out there.

But then, I think, God is fair.

Say, Scenerio 1. Such a man appeared. And one day, something doesn’t smell right.

It was a stench that could wake you from a coma.

And then you realise, he has the unmistakable Body Ordor you can’t stand.

Or maybe, it was bad breath that doesn’t go away, which makes you queasy everytime you lean in. Then, you learn the perfect skills to hold you breath and kiss(and he often mistaken that breathlessness as passion), and you rinse your mouth 101 times after that, so that your tongue does not get marinated(well, it is psychological, you see).

So one day you decided you decided you risk your life enough with all the breath-holding or an OD of Listerine, and want out.

Scenerio 2.

After the initial few dates over dimly-litted romantic dinner, you see your date for who he is, under pale, fluorescent lights. The potholes on his face is worse than the orange you pelt for lunch.

And then when talking to him, you could look nowhere else but hold your focal point on his badly-mutilated cheeks, and you start scratching your own, oblivious to the frown knitting your brows.

And then you don’t even dare to kiss him goodbye as you are afraid of being infected by the deadly zits.

Scenerio 3.

You guys started getting to know each other from online.

And then when meeting up, you realise…

1) He has a squeaky, high-pitched voice that scares you

2) He is just photogenic.

Either way, you can’t stop shaking from anger. Anger from being cheated. Cheated by misrepresented pictures that crumble your fairytale.

Scenerio 4

He is a closeted psychopath. Well-disguised.

You don’t know he is one, until one day, he stares maniacally into your eyes with ample rage, threatening to throw you off the penthouse suite you share, when you question him for wearing your corset and trying to squeeze into your beloved Manolo Blahniks.

Scenerio 5

You caught him bending over another chap, in absolute ecstasy.

And then, you wonder why you have always been the one doing all the jobs(hand… blow.. ride), and he never responded with such enthusiasm.

Then it hits you. You are the convenient cover-up all along.

Scenerio 6

Well, this is almost the most verified flawed of all.

Imagine when the passion builds up, and the GRAND moment arrives, and you can’t wait to rip him up.

Your hand travels down south.

You try, and you try, and you try.

“Baby, am I not turning you on enough?”

“What? Of course not! Look, I am soooo BIIIG and HARD!!!”

You got a rude shock, and all you want to do at this moment is break down and cry, in absolute despair and disbelief(”WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???? WHY?????????? WHY????!”).

Mr Perfect has a short, small, and limp penis, which serves little else except for his own pleasure. You think to yourself that the penis is just for identification, or solely, decorative purposes.

Though it saves you the jaw ache, you try hard to maintain a sturdy grasp, cos it is so small that you are afraid it might get lost in your palms.

And you don’t even want to venture further than that, because….. you know full well that the inevitable sentence of “Oh, you mean you’re inside already?” will be blurted out unintentionally. That, or a faked session, will be on the books.

And then, you don’t want to submit yourself to a lifetime of bad sex, and you end it for good.

Sometimes, the guys might not even get anything, because, truth is, sometimes, girls are not satisfied with the goods when they test it(you really think girls are so eager to fondle you “down there”?).

So.

Scenerio 7

They are taken. Nuff said.

So.

I am more interested to find out from the guys, than the ladies, which category does you fall into? And ladies, if these scenarios rouse some painful stories for you to share, please do, too.

Tsk tsk.

Someone told me last night that, all I have to do is to go straight to Scenerio 6, and I will be able to eliminate all doubts immediately.

But I am thinking, I have to risk 1 - 7 sans 6, which is in itself, a scary thought. *Shudders*

And where are the perfect men?! Or maybe, life is so unfair to me that I may never get to meet them.

Sigh.

It was finally Friday, and though we started off the morning a little sickie, Wifey and I agreed by noon that the arranged mahjong session was going ahead.

Then, I went for a nice little lunch at Keppel Bay(where I bumped into Bernard and Zhihao), headed to town for a meeting which I almost forgot(thus, the tardiness of bad hair, glasses, and a totally stoned-out face), checked out some Ettusais and Shiseido counters, before i wrapped up the day and headed home.

I bumped into Sonia, and in my excitement to say hi, the next thought that hit me was I was looking darn auntie that very day.

Of course, I wasn’t recognised, which I have no one to blame but myself, and May and Audrey had a field day laughing at me. Boo.

And I was told I was recognised, by my voice. Wahahaha.

Anyway, when I was having my meeting, Effy messaged me to tell me that she was severely pissed with a Piscean man who decided to pull out last minute(ahem).

And so, our contingency plan was to recruit this particular Scorpio man who once wrote in after the email recruitment drive we put on our blogs.

He said he would reach at 8pm, so we played 3 kakis first.

You know what time he called me back???

Fucking 1.23 am!!!

Okay, fine, before that he called me at 9 to say he was heading to Funan. AFTER he agreed to come over at 8pm.

I mean, IF all my friends were already there waiting for this said person, and they don’t happen to be 3-leg mahjong players, then we all would have been waiting like idiots! I will be so pai seh can?

Of course, Effy, the Scorpio, was ashamed of her fellow Scorpio, and was equally pissed with the inconsiderate-ness of the said male who incurred our wrath, and we decided some men, we can do without.

We played 3 legs lor. What to do. But it was cozy to be talking in the quite, open sense, with no need of censorship, which sometimes happen when we play with people we don’t know well. Fast paced also.

So he said he would drop by after Funan, give him half an hour.

And then ah, at 12 midnight, still no sound no picture!

And only called back at 1.23am, when there was no better need for him anymore.

At the end of the day, the Scorpio female was pissed by a Piscean, and the Scorpio male pissed me back.

ROAARRR!!!

I tell you ah, men ah…. don’t get me started -Ting does diva wave dismissively-.

So, there are times, we really realise we need no men.

Of course, Shaun, not talking about you, for without you, we couldn’t have played 3 legs last night.

***

I dozed off almost immediately after jumping into my bed last night. I wonder why the fatigue these days.

And it looks like it is gonna be another dreadful weekend.

And yes, I need to get some stuff sorted out by Monday.

Keeping fingers crossed.

Woohoo, it’s one of the first times I have blogged on a weekend in a long, long while.

Wah my blog becoming darn random.

Oh. I hurt my finger. The little one pulled my hand in her little tantrum, and she dragged it across a metal strip, before she did a little pull.

So, I have an L-shaped cut to my middle finger.

It was bleeding a little, and I could see the depth of it. If she had given another little pull, I would have lost a tiny piece of flesh.

The little one was also injury-prone yesterday. She fell on her right side and her right ear was bruised and raw. I saw a little blood clots, and thankfully it was nothing serious, though I swear it was painful to see that on her.

The weekend was one where I could almost bite off anyone’s head.

Especially that of men.

I tell you ah! Don’t know they are all the same, or just all the same, the more I talk about them, the more disdain.. no, sorry, cold and indifferent(woohoo, this is more potent than anything else) I feel about them.

You know what is the funniest thing? They like to say, “XXX and YYY so shouldn’t have done that, they are just blarblarblar and a guy should never -insert righteous principles here-”.

No matter how nice, how decent, how sensitive they are to your, or your friends’ feelings, they will ALL end up doing the SAME THING!

But NOoooooooooOOOooOO, they will say, “NO! Different! Don’t compare me with them! Why are you talking about them! I am not them!!”

But the gist of it all boils down to the same elements. You men just think all of us women are idiots, fools, or simply imbecile.

Eh, uncles and pigheads, get this into your peabrains, we fakeeeee stupid so you can feel better about yourselves, not because you can do all those things and get away scot-free hor.

Don’t play around with words and think we stupid stupid like that bimbo you bruffed hor, and think we cannot read between the lies hor.

Don’t think anyhowly say some sweet things ah, then you think the whole world gonna think better of you, or even better, we stupid stupid(sometimes ah, we just give chance, not because we really stupid, but cos we believe in the good of human beings, we women are great in that sense, I tell you!) ignore all the mistakes, and then the halos to your wholesome holy images will be switched on again.

Then hor, you think by distraction, by not explaining(cos all the lies busted liao mah!), you think everything would just go away, cos…… by some pure magic, you think that will make you innocent and helpless in front of mad, crazed women like us. Then then then, it gives you perfect excuse to say how wronged you are but you just don’t want to explain yourselves.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRR!

Bite you ah!

Then then then, the worst ah, is those who say they won’t do ah, then ah, crucify those bad boys and say they shouldn’t shouldn’t whatever, end up doing the sam

You you you you you! Sama!!!

Then ah, twist twist twist your words, machiam sound so sincere and romantic, but who you trying to play? Me or Casanova?

Sometimes ah, it is not what you do you know? You think we all women cannot take it, cos the truth is you all cannot accept yourselves, and you guys cannot take it that you are as bad as the others you condemned, then you all twist twist twist, but what we angry with is that you take all of us as suckers(literally and figuratively), and think that we have no idea!

We got very clear idea you know! Without contact lens and hindsight, still 20/20 you know!

Don’t rouse the cynic in me you know, cos I bite you ah!

And then, maybe you think that’s a mad woman talking right?

Then, when the coldness comes, don’t say we are cold-hearted bitches, simply because we stop believing.

Go find those shallow shallow ones with holes one la! Give you one time(or many times) good good, and believe whatever shit you say, and never question you, who will give and take unconditionally.

Give you herpes and take your money. This kind you all like right?

Go go go!

You men ah! Got hair no hair all the same!

Small dick big dick all the same!

Bad boys good boys all the same!

Angry like a potato.

Pfft.

And yes, I am bleeding today.

And no, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

Fucking stay away.

It is just sad that we know so many druggies in our lives.

Sometimes you do not know whether they are just addicted for all the wrong reasons which they think, or rather, assume, are right.

I am sorry I am cocaine, and she is heroin.

Did we make it that high? Did we let you escape from the reality you can’t face, or don’t want to face? Or it was just the state of ecstasy you couldn’t let go?
Maybe, just maybe, it was the same kick you can’t handle too.

We are one hard habit to break.

Or maybe, we are not, you guys are just sore that we are pushers who are, ironically, pushing business away.

So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed

Quote of the day: “…. Until certain point, I realise maybe some things are not meant to be.”

I have been pretty tired these days. The last thing on my mind would be getting drained by the emotionally-needy.

Cos it will just make me emotionally-needy as well.

I don’t like to burn bridges. I believe besides relationships, there can always be friendships. But the transitional phase is always the bitterest pill to swallow.

I left office on the dot of the official time, to meet a friend, whom, honestly, I don’t know that well anymore.

The feeling was slightly different, cos the occasional warm personality that greeted me, often intertwined with a complex personality I never quite get to know better. The one who sometimes could be that cold.

The someone who often give the “if onlys” so often that, you start to sneer at the “if onlys” cos they are like the shallowest excuses to give, “If only I know you.. yadda yadda then I should have…”

Yah, if only I know the soccer results, I would have been a millionaire. I also know how to say.

Today, what greeted me was ample affections, a slight comment of how tired my job has made me, a feel of the forehead to check if I was sick, and a tight grasp of my hand, and gifts for baby, and.. a gift for me.

I didn’t feel thrill. I actually felt bad… a pang of guilt, and a distinct feeling of what isn’t meant to be hit me.

It was a nice dinner as we caught up, as we chatted and laughed at Tong Lok at Vivocity.

My eyes were often dreamy as I looked away to the sea, as the light sept away from the day.

Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

Ironically, we ended the day with a movie. “Over her dead body”. Which now seems like a mockery of reality.

Headed for home thereafter, and the night didn’t end with a hug.

It was an appreciative smile as I headed for the main gate.

I sent a message of thanks, and it was indeed nice, to catch up again.

The reply that was sent when I was in the showers, perhaps was the catalyst.

“But there’s something I really need to know cos it’s been bugging me. Have you ever liked me before, in a special way?”

The answer came to mind pretty quickly. But it wasn’t one easy to send out.

Yup, I think I did.

And it prompted another message from me, as if it had to be said. That was, when I sent the quote of the day.

Before I could send it out, his reply below reached me.

“Do you still? Cos lately whenever I think of you I’d wish I could be a jumper(sidenote: the movie, geddit? Uhm… Yah… I know… Er), and just teleport to be beside you both.”

“At what point really?”

I thought hard. Though it was easy to say at which point it was, but I think it all boiled down to how every element just fell into place and made things irreversible.

Too many things had happened. Bad timing, people. All are contributing factors there isn’t really much point going into it.

“Can I have a chance of you liking me again?”

I honestly can’t answer the question. I think some things are just too late.

“I don’t like to be pressured, so I won’t give you pressure. In the past I always thought you didn’t like me enough, so I wasn’t honest with my feelings. Guess I was dumb on my part. Oh well, gonna miss those times we talked and laughed… It was good while it lasted.”

So I guess, this was the closure we both needed.

I believe those times can still happen between us as friends. It was nice, indeed.

“But it’s gonna be very hard for me to do that, and not fall in love with you.”

And that left me silent. The answer caught me by surprise. That potent, cruel, mindfucking “L” word.

Ouch. There is no answer to it, and I gotta do what I gotta do.

It is a bitch to know that I have officially lost a friend.

And it might just be an indication of a decision made, and a mind made up.

Things are clearer. And after a big round, it is back to where it began.

Honestly, it sucks big time and it makes me feeling… somewhat bad.

He is someone I truly care for, but sometimes, when things are not meant to be, and when things are just, so, not, fated, there is pretty much no point dwelling on the what could have beens.

And isn’t it interesting to see how things spiral from the way it did?

And yes, never tempt fate.

It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was somewhat like letting go. Still, the huge relief that followed, the playbacks of the past events, had made it easier for the moment.

I will not know now if I would ever regret this, but as they say, and I believe, everything happens for a reason.

And did I mention how screwed up it is when someone else decides to push your buttons and drain your last ounce of emotional-threshold right at this moment?

My eyes are terribly tired and could hardly open. The contact lens are just too dry for my eyes I think.

But the new hair just doesn’t go well with glasses and a naked face. I look like a complete fucktard.

So. It prompted me to paint my face and wipe on some colours.

***

Anyway. Did I mention over the weekend, another colleague found his way here?

!!!!!!!!!!!!

He told me over dinner at Jurong Point’s pizzahut and I nearly slammed his face into the pizza pan. But he’s a sweetheart(see, now I must lie through my teeth with higher exposure), so I didn’t.

***

A asked me out yesterday and my misadventure at the salon made me reluctant to meet him.

So.

When I was deep asleep, a message was sent.

“I don’t know why you’re avoiding me, but if I did anything wrong please let me kow. I really want to see you just because I miss you a lot. Sleep tight gorgeous!”

Honestly, I didn’t think it was too long ago when I last saw him. Like, say, last Friday?

And if I remember correctly, I did ask him to join me, and he chose to happy elsewhere, and I didn’t complain about him avoiding me, did I?

And if he needs company, he could always, well, pay for it, right?

It is not easy shopping for gifts.

Awfully horrid.

But still, when you finally find that one gift that will plaster a big grin on your face, and makes you excited, it is all worthwhile.

Anyway.

Manchester United had a much-needed draw, and right after my post, Mr Nightclub Girl A called at around 3am, and I was already dozing off with my CSI episode 12 halfway through.

I saw the missed call and messaged him like half an hour later.

He asked if I was asleep and I couldn’t even remember what I replied. He asked why won’t I pick up the phone, but I really didn’t hear it.

He asked if I did much, but there wasn’t much to update. I was too sleepy to anyway. He followed up by asking what I did for Saturday before asking me to call him.

I fell asleep whilst messaging halfway.

It was half past 4 when he messaged me again, which I only saw in my semi-consciousness the next morning.

“I’m kinda upset that you won’t answer my calls. Hope you’re ok, cos I really care about you. Call me k.”

I didn’t call him back, and I missed a further 3 calls from him from then till this afternoon.

I was out running errands(and shopping), and I only messaged him back at 10pm.

I think really not fated, you know(like how I had lamented to a friend at Zouk BEFORE I bumped into him and his, uhm, date that sometimes, I think things are simply not fated). Cos when he called back immediately(another 3 times), I was talking to my friend’s mum and I didn’t manage to pick up.

I got home, didn’t know what I should say, and thus, I didn’t call back either.

Uh huh.

So this is it, I guess.

***

I had cheese and crackers today, and I had my head bowed most of the time. It was unexpected, and pretty strange.

I could finally breathe easier thereafter.

***

I received a nice little gift today, and it is nice. Very nice

I thought of getting something for myself, and a much needed name card case is on the wishlist.

After browsing around all the shops, I realised the most economical option, was the one I like best. The red one from Prada. But the silly thing is, it doesn’t fit my card at all!!!!

Okay. Then I finally found the answer when I was having late lunch at Swenson’s this afternoon when the lady next table pulled out a nice little box from her paperbag, admiring her new purchase - A card holder. Maybe, I will save up enough when my next pay cheque comes in next week, and I should reward myself.

I thought I needed a new bag, but then I think that gotta wait… for a while.

***

Jeremy says I don’t update enough. That’s SO NOT TRUE. I have blogged 16 posts out of the 20 days in April, and I think that is no mean feat! Hmphf.

Charlotte says I should photowhore myself more often. I do have like hundreds of them which I have uploaded but not yet posted(where the hell is my birthday post?!).

Looking at the posts I had posted in the past, I do realise how words have littered this place once too often, and this blog is getting too intense to appeal.

No fear baby, I have promised I would have one pretty post(and a pretty long one, that is) coming up, and with ample eyecandies for you guys.

Just make sure you guys remember to drop a line or two after wiping the drool off your chins.

Stay tuned, baby, stay tuned.

For now, I should coax my reluctant self to sleep as I embrace a new week again.

Damn. No one is going to be around tomorrow. I think I prefer the office when there is more liveliness in it.