My sleeping hours are damn screwed, due to the constant bouts of insomnia. But then again, it doesn’t quite make sense, cos I was so tired on Wednesday that I fell asleep at 8pm, only to wake up at 12.30am, and not able to sleep till 3am.

At least I got some rest.

Now, I am up to check email, cos I remember in my state of intoxication after, sips of beer AND a shot of B52(I should be proud of myself), I didn’t manage to walk properly, I messaged people on MSN and be a nuisance, BUT I still remember to check my emails.

Like, seriously.

It is raining and thundering out there, and I am glad to be working from home, cos I left my Tare Panda brolly(like, seriously! But it was the only one I could find 2 days ago when it rained heavily in the morning).

But of cos, my mum thinks I either quit or lost my job, cos to her, working from home is like… a fresh concept that she cannot accept. Her sarcasm was blatant when I told her I might drop by to see baby today.

To her, I kinda “degraded” myself when I left my previous company to join my new one, cos she has never heard of it. Just how she sneered when I said I opted for RV, when she had only heard of Nanyang.

Back then, as a freaking 12 year-old looking like this:

She said, “You think I don’t know, you just want to go somewhere with boys.” Until my auntie, who is more savvy with the fucked up thing called “ranking”, told her that RV was ranked higher than NY.

For me, it was simple logic. RV was sooo much nearer, and it had higher ranking. And I didn’t know what shaving my armpits was all about, and I was ashamed of my hairy ones.

Kidding.

So, who knows that her vision is still so narrow after all these years? With her high-horse attitude, she assumes the worst of me, as always.

To her, not keeping to the standard 8.30am - 5.30pm just spells plain laziness and will rouse her suspicion that I was retrenched or something.

And when I didn’t want to react to anything she said(all I said was it wasn’t that way.. but even if I try explaining, she wouldn’t believe me, it left little room for me to want to do that anymore), she just triumphantly assumed she is right.

What kicked off her series of unhappiness and sarcastic vibes was my urge and eagerness to see Minibean.

I miss her like crazy, and I had wanted to see her but my dad is in Sri Lanka. I thought of bringing her out to Singapore, so I could bring her out and spend quality time(there is NO quality time when you have someone keep telling your daughter when you play with her that, “Your mum only knows how to hug you, say kiss kiss, and play with you.. and nothing else.”) with her over the weekend.

And I had wanted to just go in last night, bring her out, and perhaps let her stay over at mine(I changed my mind when there was a dead cockroach lying somewhere where I didn’t dare to blardy remove), while I work from home.

Of course, that roused the naggings and stuff, when I suggested bringing both her and maid in to Singapore as well. It wasn’t much of an hassle to me, as long as I can see Minibean.

So I suggested bringing her out.

And what she said wasn’t pretty. “You going THROW her aside anyway, so bring her out for what.” She sarcastically used the word “THROW’ once too often, and I really didn’t want to argue.

It is ouchie, but what can I do.

Then, I said I will still do so on Thursday night.

She started talking about “What the hell do you need the maid for then? I see her, she sees me? I see her I also cannot stand her…”

“If that is the case, tell you what, we get rid of the maid, I will bring baby back and have other arrangements for her.”

It was then, she softened, when I said it matter-of-factly.

She tried twisting her words, so that it wouldn’t make me do the extreme.

She called again on Wednesday night, said how I don’t know what I doing. Trust me, I do, in fact me and my dad had in-depth discussions about it, cos he himself is so worried about how a lovely, loving baby might become under my mum’s care. He has aged so much and spoke with so much pain in his eyes.

I remember the look he had, etched on his face, as he brought up the topic to me.

My dad, is the one who always buy snacks back for baby when he comes home everyday, much to the chagrin of my mum, and all he asked for, is the cheeky glint and bright smile from Minibean.

To me, I told him I will consider, cos it is not easy for me to make the decision of taking Minibean away from my mum’s care, cos…. I know how painful it can be for my mum.

And, I know the effects it will have on this family.

My dad will no longer return home that early, nor will he be bothered to stay around cos it annoys him and stresses him out to be around my mum.

I, will probably just work, and not want to return home, or to JB, wherever she is.

And back to my decision to want to bring Minibean back, like how I said, she would assume the worst in me, and she will hit where it hurts most.

She called early in the morning before 8(not her usual waking up time) yesterday morning, just to say how I will be stupid to go in to JB when it is not safe, and then when I kept silence and was unmoved, she started going on the offensive.

Well, I don’t really want to go into the details, but well, she just brought up the fact how I got pregnant blarblarblar… and we all know where that was going.

I hung up.

I have been bitching about my frustration cos I just don’t want to act up, the one who suffers, will be dad, maid, and my baby.

And then I was stuck. Bring baby out, the maid might get the blunt of it, and it might kick start a very ugly name-calling thing if I turn up in JB. If I don’t… I don’t know.

And if I come back with her, there is a 2nd part of a problem I don’t really want to face.

Okie.

This is freaky. I sat up in my bed at 6 to reply emails, and shortly after, I get replies. From 3 different persons.

Okay, I think I am with a pool of workaholics.

Me? I just finally slept at 1am, after my mum put me off enough to want to go drinking and have dinner. I don’t remember having dinners for the past week.

Then again, WHEN DO I EVER DRINK?! Like, seriously.

So anyway, after Marinara pizza and chicken wings at Wala Wala, I drank some Corona(I was with embarrassing company, who asked, “What is Corona?”), and a shot of B52.

When I left, it took a 2-second delay before I realised… a cockroach was right next to my feet. -inserts screams and jumps and hops-

And that reminded of me how I scream and yelp when I saw one next to my Xbox at 2am the night before. I sprayed so much insecticide that I think I knocked myself out thereafter.

Climbing staircases proved to be a chore.

The direction idiot nearly drove me to don’t know where when I fell asleep, but I cannot complain cos the cockroach that OD-ed from insecticide was removed.

I fell asleep in some awkward position after I checked my email in my delirious state.

Woke up to 6am.

I read back MSN messages and SMSes, and boy, I was such a crude lady. Wahahahaha.

Cringeworthy!

But oh well, at least I fell asleep.

What greeted me was the pitter-pattering on the window, and a low growl.. which had went on even till now, at 9am.

It is a cosy day in.

***

Everything has been going a-okay, though sometimes the fact that I AM A SLOW-BRAINED BIMBO kinda irks me no end.

I like it here. Dynamic team, and keen teachers who are capable.

Of course I am not saying this because my blog addy is no longer a secret when it was found on my 2nd day of work.

And the funny bit to it?

“Is that your girlfriend?” when he saw picture of me and my wifey Effy.

“Oh.. you didn’t think I am…”

“It’s okay, we are all open people here…”

“No I like ..(the word that came to mind with all these horrible friends of mind, was, kkj, but I held my tongue in time!) men…. you know, men?!”

And when I went into the meeting room, different from my previous workplace, I realised I was the only female there.

Went for work lunches on Wednesday and Thursday, and it was surprising to see so many familiar faces all at once.

And and!

My boss sent out an self-introduction I sent to him, and then he blasted it out to the department.

It pretty much said I was a Manchester United fan and I looking for mahjong kaki(I HAD NO IDEA HE GOING TO SEND IT OUT TO THE MASS, YOU KNOW?!).

And then ah, some Arsenal fan, forwarded it to another staff at 4 storeys beneath me. And she replied me!

Fellow Manchester United and mahjong fan!!!!!

I have a date with her to have lunch next Tuesday. Yay.

And I am on leave, next week.

I am PMSsy.

What can be worse than that, you ask?

I am sick.

But it’s alright, right? It would be, if I am not having the mother of all sore throats. And couple with that, the sort of watery runny nose that doesn’t leave you time to grab a piece of tissue to blow your nose before it trickles down.

And it isn’t a bad runny nose. But bad enough for you to breathe a little more difficult when sleeping, so that you can’t really sleep.

Bad enough that when you finally can stomach down some food, you can’t taste any of it.

And then, you sneeze.

It sounds like what the little one has, except that after kissing her and hugging her to sleep on Monday night, I have inherited all the symptoms.

And then. I played mahjong last night. It didn’t end very late, but it was already brewing. Bad enough for me to skip dinner.

Me. Skipping dinner. Unheard of! (well, at least unheard of since I started having regular work days)

Then, some inconsiderate prick(A GEMINI THIS TIME!) pissed me off. And the inconsiderate prick think it is money issues. Men ah, can be so stupid it is so hilarious. And the Mcdelivery boy who rung my bell TWICE when I asked him to hold on(I already opened the door for him and he impatiently gave me attitude when I asked him to hang on cos I was short of money, so when I was searching for cash - due to the incompetency of other inconsiderate men who had no sense of timing too - yet he kept pressing the bell to press me when I was trying to make up the sum). First, when order, inform lah. Second, after ordering, know what is SPEED UP and be AUTOMATIC a bit when you know people are waiting. Men ah, I tell you, they annoy you not only bit by bit, but waves after waves.

So anyway. Telling everyone that you are heading home to play mahjong is not a wise move. Especially one that you could potentially fall sick the next day.

So conveniently, it was a series of explanation to do cos… they knew I was playing mahjong last night.

I also know very suspicious, but I got so stupid or not?

But I am truly, honestly, ill.

I couldn’t sleep cos it just got more uncomfortable for me, and it was 5 when I finally doze off, ever so slightly.

Then I couldn’t breathe, and the ache got so bad I woke up to get some iced water to soothe it.

I woke up at 10am today. If it was a sleeping in day, I will make sure I slept for at least 12 hours to make it worthwhile. So what is bad? Want to sleep but cannot!!

I picked up calls all the way till 11 plus before my handphone battery died on me.

When I tried to tell someone (INCONSIDERATE SCORPIO!) that I am on sick leave and I will arrange for his collection the next day, he still kept calling and asked if I would want to head out.

Do I look/sound like I am well enough to head out?!

Yes, of course, to the doc’s, and perhaps some grocery shopping(oh yes, nappies for Minibean), and also, the real reason of why I am so frustrated!

I went to buy her stuff and I saw the whole shelf of PMS food I am craving for!

But, of course, the pain in my throat is so painful(I can only remember one other episode of sore throat that is more painful that this, but this one is much more annoying. I will add on why later) that I don’t fucking dare lah.

So, I was so angry that I swept those bags of chips and comfort food into my basket, without the intention to touch them(?????!!!!!).

Then I bought food I can eat. Campbell soup. Mushroom with corn, mushroom with chicken, mushroom.

Angry I tell you!

Then I saw the new pack of Strepsils, which comes with Pain Relief, I happily wiped them off the shelves.

I think I am going to OD on lozenges soon.

ROAR!

I went for lunch, finally. But my throat feels like the entire rim of it is on fire. Doc said it is very red. I was telling him this is my 5th episode of throat infection in 6 months, and if it was anything serious. He looked at me as if I was a psychotic, paranoid, freak.

I went for something easier to stomach, and I adventurously ordered rice(PMS! Bo bian!), wondering how am I going to keep the food down cos I couldn’t even dare to swallow my own saliva.

Pain leh!

It is the kind of sore throat that you will salivate throughout the day kind cos you don’t dare swallow your food.

Every throat infection I had, most are those I could still talk, or once, I had one that completely took away my voice.

For the very first time, it is painful until I don’t want to talk.

I DON’T WANT TO TALK LEH! HOW RARE!

So to make up for it, I type very angstily.

And it is so swollen that it feels like I have a finger perpetually stuck down my throat, and you can imagine that I feel like puking my food out every few minutes.

But because I am really, really hungry(I tend to eat a lot during PMSsy days), I refused to let that happen.

Yet, my runny nose made everything bland, tasteless! Argh!!!

So when I was feeding myself. I thought of how painful it was, and how bland it was, I nearly burst out crying.

I held back the urge, cos I so know I would really break down and cry at that instance.

So I didn’t.

And now, after the visit to the clinic, I am back home safely, and munching on my pain-relieving strepsil.

Bluff people one.

I think I need my runny nose med.

Very, very, sulky.

I love fangs.

They make people cry so I don’t have to.

I love the high when I sink them deep into the flesh, spreading the poison that was once shot round my body.

Careful.

I won’t forgive just like how they never do.

The weekend was one where I could almost bite off anyone’s head.

Especially that of men.

I tell you ah! Don’t know they are all the same, or just all the same, the more I talk about them, the more disdain.. no, sorry, cold and indifferent(woohoo, this is more potent than anything else) I feel about them.

You know what is the funniest thing? They like to say, “XXX and YYY so shouldn’t have done that, they are just blarblarblar and a guy should never -insert righteous principles here-”.

No matter how nice, how decent, how sensitive they are to your, or your friends’ feelings, they will ALL end up doing the SAME THING!

But NOoooooooooOOOooOO, they will say, “NO! Different! Don’t compare me with them! Why are you talking about them! I am not them!!”

But the gist of it all boils down to the same elements. You men just think all of us women are idiots, fools, or simply imbecile.

Eh, uncles and pigheads, get this into your peabrains, we fakeeeee stupid so you can feel better about yourselves, not because you can do all those things and get away scot-free hor.

Don’t play around with words and think we stupid stupid like that bimbo you bruffed hor, and think we cannot read between the lies hor.

Don’t think anyhowly say some sweet things ah, then you think the whole world gonna think better of you, or even better, we stupid stupid(sometimes ah, we just give chance, not because we really stupid, but cos we believe in the good of human beings, we women are great in that sense, I tell you!) ignore all the mistakes, and then the halos to your wholesome holy images will be switched on again.

Then hor, you think by distraction, by not explaining(cos all the lies busted liao mah!), you think everything would just go away, cos…… by some pure magic, you think that will make you innocent and helpless in front of mad, crazed women like us. Then then then, it gives you perfect excuse to say how wronged you are but you just don’t want to explain yourselves.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRR!

Bite you ah!

Then then then, the worst ah, is those who say they won’t do ah, then ah, crucify those bad boys and say they shouldn’t shouldn’t whatever, end up doing the sam

You you you you you! Sama!!!

Then ah, twist twist twist your words, machiam sound so sincere and romantic, but who you trying to play? Me or Casanova?

Sometimes ah, it is not what you do you know? You think we all women cannot take it, cos the truth is you all cannot accept yourselves, and you guys cannot take it that you are as bad as the others you condemned, then you all twist twist twist, but what we angry with is that you take all of us as suckers(literally and figuratively), and think that we have no idea!

We got very clear idea you know! Without contact lens and hindsight, still 20/20 you know!

Don’t rouse the cynic in me you know, cos I bite you ah!

And then, maybe you think that’s a mad woman talking right?

Then, when the coldness comes, don’t say we are cold-hearted bitches, simply because we stop believing.

Go find those shallow shallow ones with holes one la! Give you one time(or many times) good good, and believe whatever shit you say, and never question you, who will give and take unconditionally.

Give you herpes and take your money. This kind you all like right?

Go go go!

You men ah! Got hair no hair all the same!

Small dick big dick all the same!

Bad boys good boys all the same!

Angry like a potato.

Pfft.

And yes, I am bleeding today.

And no, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

Fucking stay away.

I blogged a long post to rant about my family drama.

Then the window closed itself.

And Mozilla and wordpress failed me at the same time by not saving it, at all.

Fuckers.

I woke up grouchy today.

It was no wonder that I could hardly drag myself out of bed, with a frown perfectly knitted on my face.

And the signs were all there.

I got home with 2 red blisters on my feet. Those heels. I am just not gifted in them, even at 140 a pop.

And then, my toenail fell out!!!!! Ouch. Now it is raw and horrible looking

This morning, my feet swell so badly that I struggled to fit into the pair of heels that fit so snugly yesterday. It was as if it swell by a shoe size, and I limped to the office.

Then, there are the 2 ulcers. Both pressing against my lower gums, and I wish I have a pack of salt right next to me right now so I can pour salt over them and rub them with brutal force till they peel and bleed, feeling the sharp sensation rushing through every nerve of my body.

My throat is perpetually dry and I could feel a little dry cough brewing.

I thought my floor was spinning this morning.

I sulked badly in the morning despite having ample sleep.

I woke up like umpteen times last night.

And the last time I woke up was at 5.30am, when I heard my parents.

THEY JUST CAME HOME WITH MY BABY!!!!!!

I got pissed and then I chided them for bringing her out after she had 2 jabs yesterday, and she is susceptible to chills and fever.

Actually, I got pissed cos they are often double standard when baby is with them, or with me.

And then I started raising my voice telling them off, and then they went all quiet, giving lame excuses of how she had napped and as I saw her awake at 5.30am did not help to elevate my anger.

I went to sleep angry and I am still pretty unhappy though my dad called earlier today to speak words of peace. Like subtly telling me how baby enjoys going out and blarblarblar.

Fuck! I also know she enjoys being out and one of the reasons why she demands to go out so often is because of over-indulgence like such.

And fuck! You always say how she shouldn’t go out after having jabs cos prone to this and that, yah lah, you expose her to so many adults in a smoky environment won’t submit her to this lah?

Nevermind. I still very pissed.

I didn’t say anything when you guys bring her back at 2am, and now, is fucking 5 fucking 30 in the fucking morning.

Okay. Rant finished.

And then I feel fat this morning. Fuck! I am getting fat. Don’t tell me anything else, cos the piece of fat hanging off my waist has my mum asking, “Ting ah, why your tummy so fat one ah?”

In my utter annoyance, I replied, “Well, I am a mother of a daughter, you also, see the difference?”

I have got a flab around my tummy and I think it is really what pissed me off big time.

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And?

My less than a year-old lousy HP desktop(it comes with USB ports in the front which don’t read anything that are plugged in! They are like big vijayjays that couldn’t feel small kkjs!) gave out horrible sounding sounds that make it sound more like those old-time fridges, than a computer.

Don’t you dare give me up when I am still paying for you every bloody month! Your bill comes more regular than my menses, can?!?!?!

Honestly my post could have been much more angsty if not for the fact that my colleagues made me laugh in the morning.

Oh well, who says work is the only element that pushes us off the cliff?

Okay. Meeting time.

Who is this bloody, irresponsible Lim Huang Khim?

AND THEN HE HAS THE BLOODY CHEEK TO SAY SUCH THINGS?!

Earlier this month, Mr Lim, who works as a driver, insisted he was not to blame and smiled several times as he recounted the accident on the stand.

I don’t want to mean, but I hope you have some sort of retribution and if this happens to your own kids, don’t bloody blame anyone, cos it is just your kids being inherited with your stupidity.

I wonder what kind of kids he has.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrghhhhh. Such idiots piss me off big time.

Another one?

Anyone read the disturbing news of how an Austria father raped and imprisoned his own daughter for fucking 24 years? And then went on to father 7 of her kids. She lived in a dungeon for 24 freaking years, and gave birth 6 times(once was twins) without any medical help, nor support!

And when one of the twins died, he just conveniently tossed him into a furnace!

Fucking sicko.

I dread to think how she is going to cope with starting her life all over again.

Argghhh I am angry! I don’t know why I am so angry with such injustice.

Grouchy ish me.

Fluctuating humors, but you won’t have to be concerned about them. Be vigilant as far as your food is concerned so as to avoid taking on weight which would transform itself into horrible folds of fat. A vitamin cure would do you good by allowing you to recover your tonicity. Don’t wallow in your recent unhappy love affairs. In work, you’ll give precedence to originality and independence even though these two qualities are generally frowned upon by the firm that employs you; but this time you’ll be appreciated and it will be made known to you.

…. Uh huh. Then where is the part that says I am extremely PMS-sy?

And horrible folds of fat. Thanks man. I feel so happy now. -scorn-

No wonder I polished off the last grain of rice while I had dinner at Tiong Bahru by myself. It was delicious. Could be the additional sodium you know?

Anyway, sometimes, trying your best might just means, your best is never good enough to be the best in others’ eyes.

I feel as if I lost a part of my life.

3 or 4 years of it to be exact.

I want my phone contacts back.

I hate changing phones.

I should have stuck to my old Nokia 8850 and not EVER change phones.

Super fucked up