I have been having strange dreams.

I think last week I dreamt Minibean jumped into a deep sea of water, and in the dream, I dove right in and saw the waters to be at least 14 metres deep(and resembles that of diving).

I saw her spiralling to the bottom of the seabed much faster than I can manage. I panicked and dove towards her.

I held her by her neck and bum delicately, as I desperately wanted to get to the surface of water. But she was lifeless.

I couldn’t scream in the water.

I tried to revive her.

It was a horrible dream. But it didn’t feel real.

Yet the scenario replayed itself.

***

Few days later.

I dreamt of a cousin of mine, kidnapped Minibean, using her as a hostage.

I searched and searched and screamt and screamt in the dream. I even dialed 999 when I saw the sinister cousin(okay, in the dream only) as I followed her to find where Minibean was.

I begged. I cried. I screamt.

Gee.

It felt so much more real this time. It was bizarre.

***

I dreamt of something yesterday. I don’t remember what.

I could remember I had some kind of infection in my right wrist after an injury to it.

It was okay, but it became softer, and softer, until… it suddenly tore like a piece of wet paper, right at the joint, at the back of the hand.

My hand was dangling.. I could see bones, blood, tissues…. you know, the gruesome works.

I didn’t panic. I touched my fingers for sensation, and even held the hand up to examine the blood and gore.

I was afraid, I know. But as always, I am too stubborn to show any hint of it.

I remember I was thinking to myself what will happen if I can no longer use my master hand.

Yet all I did was held the wound close with my left hand, whispered to someone(I can’t remember who though) to get me to the hospital if he/she is free.

I didn’t explain why cos I remember my family was around and I didn’t want to freak them.

I remember holding my wrist pretty tight, tapping on my fingers on and off to make sure they still can feel….

***

It was a quick change of weather in this.

Like the change of emotions controlled the come and go of the sun, wind, and rain.

I could hardly breathe from the darkness of it all.

And then, there, it was, staring back at me, a .51, which costs nearly 8 grand staring back at me, with a shiny sheet of cardboard verifying its glorious characteristics.

It was a perfect fit.

No bended knees, no flowers.

Just gloom. Lots of gloom.

And most importantly, no joy.

The only tears that threatened to fall are those which are of despair and desperation.

No one seems to fucking get it.

I couldn’t breathe. I felt cornered.

I couldn’t give up my entire life of happiness and just say yes because of exasperation. Cos I know I will never be happy, no matter how confident you are that you will make me to be.

The storm came.

I ran.

I ran.

I ran.

It was here, I saw it. The little “S” of where it all happened. It was grey, it was drizzly when I stared down onto the road.

My mind was a blank. And then, in my world, only I existed.

Safe. Distant. Nonchalant. Emotionless.

The box was left in my hands.

I didn’t want to see it. It shouldn’t be this way. It is meaningless when it brings pain and not joy. It is like a mockery.

It shouldn’t be like this.

When I am tired, I am still forced to entertain.

When I am tired, I am still forced to do things because I feel obliged because people have been nice.

I feel tired trying to pretend I can solve all these when I can’t, or rather, have no wish to, except with the only way of running, escaping.

I feel tired to pretend I can still be a friend, when maybe my Xbox 360 is much more of a friend than anyone else. Or wait, mahjong.

I raise my voice, short of a scream. I breathe in, but there was no air.

It was a blur and it was suddenly evening.

In the rain.

I wasn’t feeling well, but who cares? As long as they get what they want.

I could almost remember why people punch glass doors, or the walls….

Cos all I wanted to do, is either hit my head against the wall to stop the migraine, or that a burn from the cig would do some magic to help me feel again.

People who say they care, and they love…?

Seriously, utter bullshit.

And then, the devil appeared.

I walked away unscathed after selling my soul unwillingly.

Yet, my soul is already sold.

I shuddered. The fear from it all sent chills down my spine.

Alas.

It wasn’t a dream this time round.

It was a nightmare.

It was 12 November.

Strangely, after the intense series of events that happened…. life is back to a hint of normalcy, and with everyone kinda make-belief that nothing had ever happened, like, everything would be forgotten and swept under the carpet.

Or that, everyone got what he wanted.

Or that, everyone could deny that very part of he/she, which scare everyone, and most of all, him/herself.

All I remember was the chill. The hollowness without a bare trace of energy. The helplessness, which took on a life of its own… morphing into sheer coldness. What do you do when you can’t think of anything to please everyone?

What do you do when you find you are at fault, and when things spiral into such big mess, the way you handle it makes it into a bigger drama than you can ever imagine.

At the end of it, you laugh as you recount the episode, you joke about it, you speak like not an eyebrow was raise, not a single feeling hurt, not a hair was tussled.

Truth is, I don’t ever believe things like this go away. It just stays in a corner of your memory, tuck away, until the demons come out to play. Again.

And then came the remedy.

Came the chance for me to run away. It would have been good. Sorry, just not with you. Nor you.

Maybe an unfamiliar place will erase the memories. Maybe a distant enough place will convince us some things never happened.

Sadly, everything, every episode had etched deeply in the corner closest to me, and I will bring them wherever I go.

And unfamiliarity further unsettles me.

It was the house where things happened. Between him and her. Between me and you. Between me and him. Between… me and her.

The place, I once tried hard to stay away from. So.. to draw myself away from my reality.

Ironically, it is the only safe haven I have so much familiarity with, yet not know how its peace could be disturbed, intruded.

Then again, it used to house so much, this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

I think the amount of drama that had happened here, could be easily made into, what a friend said, Korean/Hong Kong drama serial. I didn’t contest that, cos much had indeed happened.

(Side track a little, whee, I am finally typing with my injured finger again! Though it feels a little strange cos of the sporadic weird twitches from the injured nerve)

Damn drama, damn surreal lah. Wah lau, don’t get migraine also cannot. Breathe also cannot, take medication also cannot. Seriously, got more… uh, drama or not?

Maybe too much of it, numbs you, that you are not awed by the fact anymore. And the detachment that follows, is just a wall nicely built up in a second.

And then the funny ideas that crept up on you, when you least expected, are usually the most dangerous.

Isn’t it funny what chain reactions can bring about? The self-destruction nature in all of us.

I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled. I bled.

I was feeling light-headed. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I could faint any time.

It was as if… I felt……… air cutting away from me. It was as if… I felt the strong arms around me, forcing the last gasp of air out of me, as he clung on to me tightly.

It was painful. It was suffocating. I choked. I coughed. I begged to be let go. I pushed, I shoved, I fought.

It was as if I felt him reaching out to me as I sat there, letting out a wail of anguish as I tore my hair in exasperation. I pushed, I shoved, I fought.

I shook. Oh hell, how I shook. Badly.

The chills, fuck, the chills.

Your teeth fight for space as they hit each other. You grit them tightly. You make-belief that’s all the strength you need.

***

The aftermath had everyone sober.

And the angels all surfaced like the demons were never seen, nor heard.

I don’t deal well with emotions, but I fucking can’t deal well with pretense. What’s with the overly sweetness and understanding-ness when we all know what was up on your minds.

Trying to convince you me him her you are okay, you are sane, so that no one will walk away without looking back.

You see, isn’t it funny no one ever thought what I really needed then?

They thought they could, they thought each other could, they thought… wait a minute, they only thought about themselves, huh?

I want space, I want peace, I want… to do my work.

It was impossible.

Red mist. and red, red mist.

Then, their turns to escape.

My turn to breathe easier.

***

Actually, work is fabulous when all your focus is on it and nothing else.

***

He said, “Let’s go somewhere. Let’s go Tioman. Now, if you want. You can take leave. Or Friday night, back on Sunday night.”

Tempting. Very tempting. I would love to go for a dive. I need a dive.

But no, not with you. Not now. Don’t be mistaken, it is just me, who just wants to stay put. I don’t want to be away for the wrong reasons, like everything could be erased, just like that.

Pending work is there. Commitments come first.

With all the irony, and the way the stars wrote it as it is.

He said, “Come to Jakarta. Fly in on Friday night and you can get back on Sunday night. There’s spa here, and it is very quiet and relaxing. You could chill here.”

Tempting, very tempting. A sponsored ticket. I would love to go some place just to chill. I need to be relaxed.

But no, not with you. Not now. Don’t be mistaken, it is just me, who just wants to stay put. I don’t want to be away for the wrong reasons, like everything could be erased, just like that.

Pending work is there. Commitments come first.

This is no longer funny. But eerie.

Like looking on to strangers, who are anyone but.

If I could do it, I could be at Tioman diving, doing my work at night. I could be at Jakarta, having spa right after some work.

Yah, but it will be perfect if it is my perfect, impromptu, solo holiday.

***

No solo holiday.

Someone might be heading to KL with me in less than 2 weeks’ time for my work trip.

A work trip means I get to spend very short time in KL, and it will be nice, just me and you.

***

So back to status quo, huh?

Tuesday never happened. Just like Wednesday never did.

***

The red rose/roses, had turned from a pretty hue of red.. to almost black.

***

And Thursday? I was stuffed with food.

Just before noon, my boss bought us lunch so we could have staff meeting, while stuffing our faces with food.

The 3 of us munched away as presentations were made, plans were discussed, and the beef was really good. Yums.

Then before I knew it, a message came in.

“I will buy lunch and drop it off at your office.”

“Nah, no need, I will meet you then.”

At the exact moment. A call came in from the receptionist.

McDee’s.

By the time meeting was over, the fries were soggy.

The receptionist 2 floors down, was slowly getting acquainted with me.

“Ah.. either the flowers, or McDonalds’”

“Sorry, was in a meeting, I totally missed this, and sorry you waited this long.”

“So someone knows u you are working very hard.”

“Naaahhh we already had lunch before that!”

“It’s good, it shows you have many people concern about you,” she said with a nice, understanding smile.

As I walked out, I was standing outside the sliding door when I turned, “You know, sometimes too much of a good thing, is not necessary a good thing.”

I had the drink, had the McWings, and shared the nuggets with my very excited boss.

“McDonald’s! Yay! Hey wait, you had lunch!”

“Woops. Yeah…”

“Oh! Someone delivered it again!” he quipped.

“Uh.. yup!”

“Tell your boyfriend your boss loves McDonald’s…”

“Actually he isn’t a boyfriend…”

“Oh whatever!”

“Uhm.. sorry I know this sounds really, really, really odd… but er, can I go out for lunch now?”

“Huh? Sure! Tell him I say thank you!”

“Oh, er, this is another one.”

He gave me the most comical expression ever.

***

Lunch was awkward. It really was.

***

I was so tired yesterday. I told myself I would treat myself to a cab ride after leaving office late.

I took a long, long walk down Shenton Way, before I knew it, my phone battery died on me, and I was at Keppel, just before the entrance to expressway.

No cabs. 10pm.

I had no choice but hopped onto a random bus.

It was hard staying awake.

Then I got off randomly, wanting to grab shampoo. It was in the queue I realised they don’t accept credit cards.

I went to the MRT station to draw money. Then I realised I forgot to bring my purse out!!!

So I had no cash or anything.

Luckily I didn’t flag a cab from town, nor did I flag a cab from wherever I was.

So stupid ah me.

***

I feel an unexplanable anger towards the world today. Not really like ROARR-I-WANNA-KILL-ALL-OF-YOU kinda anger, but more of I-am-pissed-and-sulky-and-unhappy.

***

Sometimes, I do wish I could be better. Much better.

***

I slept well last night. I was so tired I don’t think I even know how I fell asleep.

***

Have you ever seen someone so afraid, so helpless, so…. fragile?

And then you wonder how are you ever going to walk away, cos you have been there, yourself.

And then you wonder how you could ever let yourself be so cruel.

I looked on from a distant, when I wasn’t that far away.

The wails. The sobs. The tears. The shaking. The trembles. The fear.

Shaking like a leaf. Wait a minute, the heartbeats. You could feel them as they cling onto you with their every might.

The solid thumps.

You could almost feel how hard they are beating as you hold them closer and tighter in your arms, the only assurance you could give. Maybe that’s why it was so painful.

They refused to let go.

Hush hush. How do you say hush hush?

You can’t. You have to sacrifice and compromise yourself.

Make promises they want to hear, say things to make them feel better.

Do things against your will, to please them, to… appease them.

Truth is, I don’t need anyone. I don’t need these. I don’t want these. I don’t want anyone.

Then again, is the choice mine?

They want to be listened. They don’t want to hear.

I can’t be heard.

***

They believed.

They hoped.

I am sorry baby, if only you guys know.

***

Unfortunately, I no longer believe, I no longer hope.

I can keep up with the pretense at my own expense, I am sure.

I can put on the brightest smile, the sweetest self. I can.

If you want me to.

*Beams the brightest smile*

***

I couldn’t breathe well the past few days. It doesn’t take much for me to quicken my breath, and feel dizzy and out of air.

It comes and goes.

Comes and goes.

I am not losing it. So not.

***

My laundry area, where the compressor is, has became a new hot spot.

It really has.

It has Minibean’s jacket hung innocently above the washing machine… and a couple of garments on the floor. Was it the wind? Or was it you? Or you?

Maybe, I should try to understand its charm when everything seems bleak and dark. Maybe I will see hope, and stars.

***

Do you know it can serve as a good chilling spot for a cigarette as you ponder how hopeless your life seems?

Do you know it can serve as a good spot to get in, when you don’t have keys with you? Or when the door bell isn’t greeted?

All you need is to leave your slippers by the parapet, jumped the distance to the compressor, and there, you are in.

You could then coolly stroll to the room, looking for the lost key you left behind. Maybe sanity too.

***

And suddenly, I laughed at the atrocity of every, single detail.

The migraines didn’t go away. I popped pills and tried willing them to go away.

***

I am sorry.

There is something in me. The little memory bank of mine.

That will, never forget.

No matter how hard you remedy. I can’t. And possibly, I won’t allow myself to.

Even if you think I already did. Even if you try to prove me wrong.

***

The strange thing is, people have this to constantly prove us wrong.

And when you want them to strike a balance, you get more than what you bargained for.

Like, you wonder where did the rage and force came from when someone makes a grab of your arm and pushes you down on the bed. When all you remember was smiles, giggles, and never a tinge of negativity was ever noticed.

Like, you wonder where did all the brokenness and tears and hopelessness come from when someone stood in the darkness, inspecting every detail of your face… when never ever such weakness came through.

What you don’t see, don’t mean it is not there.

***

Is it irresponsible to say that I feel equally for both?

Nah.. you think it is not possible.

Nah.. you think I must have felt more. Or less.

I felt equally suffocated. Equally irked. Equally pressured. Equally helpless. Equally.. equally.. so.

***

It is weekend.

Strangely, the only thing to weekend I miss these days, are the long sleeping hours till afternoon.

I feel like staying put, not going anywhere.

I am not moving. I am not moving.

Even if you thought I did.

It must be a darn cold night.

Wait. Nights.

I have not stopped shaking for these 2 nights.

And the queasiness left a bad taste in the mouth that wouldn’t go away.

I feel sick. Physically and mentally so.

How do things turn us this cold.

And that bitch of a migraine, that refuses to go away. Tugging. Nagging. Sucking my life away.

Well well, the finger triggered off a chain of events, and a series of reactions.

Now, I have yet another infection from the stress of the long course of antibiotics(arghhhhh), and I can’t curse my luck enough.

Cos I really, really, hate this one. Candidiasis, baybeh.

Whines.

So. I am given yet another drug, my 12th(or was it… 13th?) for the month!

Fluconazole.

My body feels like a chemical factory, ready to explode anytime with the concoction of medication it houses.

And any more familiarity with medications and their names, I could perhaps graduate from school of medicine already.

Damn!! I just can’t stop blogging! Well, at least this tirade will cease from 22nd onwards, so I better write whatever I can before then.

If I were to blog this yesterday, it would have been categorised under “I bite”.

I think I am feeling hormonal again, and this could have been the monthly, routine “I bite” post, which… hey, was last posted in early August.

Then again, I met 2 fabulous chaps for dinner and drinks last night, and managed to get myself out of the extreme grumpiness that infected me yesterday.

***

Well you see, some people from my distributor company kinda rubbed me the wrong way. The poor, sensitive, sleep-deprived Piscean was feeling hurt-ed when she was accused, talked down, and being pushed the responsibilities when… there was no one else to arrow.

So feeling lost, I went to other colleagues, who told me to hands off the issue, and ignore their requests. Yet, the phone calls kept coming in.

And then, there were the emails, and apparently, they don’t take instructions too well either.

So. I was just glad that lunch time came. I was just sulking and telling my colleagues how it just wasn’t my day at the lift landing, when suddenly……..

…… Someone wasn’t looking his way, knocked into me, who was just standing there, waiting. Basically the entire being of frail, little me, bounced off a little, and it could well have those very dramatic scene where I would gracefully fall to the floor, shrivelled up, and die.

Basically I didn’t fall when I lost my footing, because he stepped onto my slippers-clad feet, and that kinda tug me back into balance.

My immediate reaction? I didn’t yelp and just said to all those present, “See, like I said, just not my day.”

In my attempt to avoid all those calls/emails, I joined my colleague for a meeting.

But you know, when you have a bad day, you have a bad day.

All the 4 individuals who somewhat contributed to the different sagas in the morning, turned up when they weren’t scheduled to.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like seriously? I think if someone had seen my expression, it would be one of… nothing but grave.

And the worst thing was… in front of the guests, and while I was listening to the guests speaking, 2 of them pressed me and asked me….. about the MOONCAKES.

In front of people whom they were supposed to give to.

I could have laughed at the atrocity of it all, but I, the greatest coward of all, did what I usually do. I smiled and said I was told to hands off, and I can’t help even if I want to.

I could have just rolled my eyes and ignored them with my hormones playing devil’s advocate, but I do not have nuts to do so. Wuss.

What can I say, I think I am just an angel at heart.

We went to check out our joint event with Shiseido thereafter in Orchard, and I went for a, hmm, haircut.

My colleague, Darren, joked that I can multi-task very well. Hahahaha.

And then, I went to get myself a knee support band, cos my right knee is acting up again. Of all days! And walking proved to be agonising.

I mean, seriously, of all days? The very day when I was shopping around for a pair of jogging shoes, so I could jog the next day?

The very day when I commit myself to join Wenmei to jog the next day at HortPark?

It must be a conspiracy for me to grow fat, I tell you.

Sigh.

But the evening turned for the better, when I met up with Lingshen and Kaiming(I haven’t met them for the longest time!) - the 2 chaps I was closest to during my time in MDIS.

After graduation, Lingshen is now on his way to his 3rd degree. I looked and him and I feel like I have dyed my hair with too much hydrogen peroxide.

He is now a social worker, while Kaiming is now a social worker wannabe. And that, perhaps is the only flaw of the night - hanging out with 2 social workers.

Dinner was at Orchard Hotel, where we had buffet. And I was being mistaken to be someone else.

Lingshen said indignantly, “Why is it that everytime when you are around, there must be incidents?”

HELLO?!

Yummy oysters! I was joking that I need a boost.

The fantastic company for the night.

As we caught up since we last saw each other more than a year ago, Kaiming made me cry. Lingshen in stripes, and Kaiming in shirt.

I am not sure what we were talking about, but he asked us something along the lines of… “how to flirt effectively.”

Being an amateur, of course I didn’t comment much.

Then, he asked again, “Is it like, hi, I throw my underwear at you?”.

He was asking it earnestly, matter-of-factly, like it is the most seductive flirting statement one can make.

“Isn’t that how people flirt?”

Lingshen and I were stunned for a brief second, before we couldn’t speak nor stop laughing for a good 5 to 10 minutes, before I started having tears rolling down. And all Kaiming did, was to look at us very puzzledly, and thinking what he said was no wrong.

We walked to Orchard Towers, since I am a virgin there.

I insisted that we should check the place out, and all the 2 of them could think of, is how such a place will be perfect for doing surveys and projects.

I was dressed down yesterday, and I looked so innocently like a school teacher.

Just when the lady approached us to ask us table for how many, the 2 chaps backed out.

We scurried off the building and were led wandering in the night.

I said I was determined to finish 3 drinks in one night, and we searched for another place where we could drink.

Lingshen led us to here. Amidst all the Wahs and Wows, we arrived at St Regis, and for me, with a very sore knee.

He told us the 2nd floor has a nice drinking place, and he led us to the very posh lift.

Which has a red bench.

Since I was wearing a long, flowy, white dress, I let my hair hanging down, and sat there, as the lift opened when it reached 2nd floor.

Some staff walked in, and I think he was glad 7th month is over.

We couldn’t find the place after walking round and round and round the 2 floors, and Lingshen walked out of the hotel stabbed with sharp, dagger stares from me.

And then, we walked on.

Lingshen suddenly exclaimed, “Hey! I think is that one instead!”

*Speechless*

He thought St Regis is Regent.

So, we finally ended up at Regent.

Many people getting married.

I was feeling extremely tired, and lethargic, yet I remembered the challenge I set for myself.

So I ordered a lychee martini.

It came in such a weird shaped bowl that all of us were searching for the guppy that should be swimming in it.

And I silly-ly drank from it until it wobbled in my hands….

…. Then it hit me….

Like seriously?!

I felt like an airhead!!

I had 2 sips of it, and I was starting to feel drowsy.

They said I was turning incredibly red.

It didn’t help when Kaiming took out his textbook and started to discuss Group Cognitive Behavior with Lingshen.

And I dozed off on the couch after finishing my Lychee Martini.

I shall not admit that it was the alcohol.

When I sat up to take a sip of water, I dozed off almost immediately and I spilled water onto myself, which made me giggled at my own silliness.

It was at this point where they realised the severity of things, and decided to send me home, to save them from further embarrassments.

I went to the cab stand and started to complain how I was blacking out.

They were not being very helpful when they said I am a drunk mother, and I should be reported to the Child Protection services.

I hopped on the cab, and Lingshen made sure I could walk out of the cab before he continued his cab journey.

I struggled to get into the showers, and tried fighting sleep. I MSNed from bed, while lying down, and obviously, it was a very bad idea.

I woke up at 2.45am, only to realise I had dozed off at 11.58pm whilst having a MSN session. I had absolutely no recollection how I did so, and had no clue why I had felt so comfortable despite having my glasses on.

So rude of me, I didn’t even say bye.

I am a lousy drinker.

Like I said, it was a lousy day.

So lousy that the triangle I asked for, was warped, and didn’t look like a triangle at all.

What can I say? Always check the goods. Argh.

It was breakfast as usual for us this morning, when we took a lift right to the basement.

Just as the lift door parted, the man outside who was munching his breakfast and carrying a cup of hot coffee seemed all ready to step in as we were ready to exit out.

The 3 of us had yet to walk out when he suddenly fell flat on his back.

His eyes were flickering and he spasmed for a few seconds before we all reacted(Stephanie was already walking out before she noticed someone fell, and Daniel and I were just taken aback by what we saw).

I was wondering if he was having fits(then that means have to react by digging the food out, and let him bite on someone’s sweater), or an heart attack(a hard pat to the chest, or try to make him cough). And then I was afraid he was going to choke on his bun.

When he fell, his cup of coffee(thankfully quite tightly capped) spilled to his face, and his long-sleeved shirt. He could have scalded himself.

We quickly ran towards him(after a couple of seconds of shock), and held on to him, and it was a couple of seconds that he suddenly replied us that he was okay, and that he had passed out.

I think we all heaved a sigh of relief cos… at least he looked okay and his life wasn’t in danger.

He looked utterly embarrassed, and we were pretty much worried sick.

We urged him to head to the clinic nearby and we would help him there, yet he refused.

He just got his things up, and walked into the next lift, with others who came by only after he had sat up, wondering if he had fell or something.

We deduced that HP is too stressful an environment to work in, laughs.

But whoever you are, I hope you are okay, and that it was just a simple case of low sugar level and nothing serious.

We felt like hero and heroines this morning! *Beams*

And now, I should be doing the thing I have meant to do. With a heavy heart, of course.

So.

Big Tin of milk powder, check.

Blanket, check.

Pillow, check.

My own baby pillow, oh, check.

Spare clothes from the bamboo poles, check.

One set of clean undies and a set of work clothes, check.

Pram, check.

Diapers. Bought from petrol kiosk. Check.

Work stuff. Check.

Door to my room, lock.

At 11.30pm, I ran away from home, with baby in tow.

Dad was already out, trying to get away from all the madness. This morning, I found out he never went home either, but opted to stay in his office for the night. I had tears in my eyes when I heard how he is suffering as much as well.

That ended the eventful night that I have no wish to recall.

She just cursed that she hopes I will run down by a car.

Get hit when I am on a bike.

Get strike by thunder.

She says she will disown me.

She says she is going to jump down.

She says she will call up the newspaper and television to tell people what I did to her(???), like seriously? All because she is sore cos SHE THINKS I treat the maid better than her.

She says she is going to my office tomorrow to tell the whole world I am useless, lazy, dirty, and irresponsible mum.

Er, though I don’t know how she does that all the same time.

Anyway.

She went into a rage I find so familiar. It seems like I am 16 all over again, the very reason why I know I cannot live with her.

And. She did it in front of my child, something I cannot accept.

I went into my room, and called my auntie, her sister, for help.

I let years of grievances out and let her hear the side of story of what she used to tell people, where she conveniently left out how I was abused by her.

She also used to tell people how useless and naughty I am, when I was a child, the only thing I did was actually, to be never good enough.

Today is the day I regret ever letting her taking care of Minibean. And I am going to change it, at this moment.

And I did what I didn’t do in the past. I broke down and cried, and not let defiance take over.

Strangely, I am smiling and singing to my daughter at the same time to keep her occupied.

I blogged for quite long, so I wondered why didn’t the fucking wordpress even saved a draft.

So I was saying that the equation of having 5 people in the house proved to be a dreadful one, with the drama unfolding so soon into the combinations.

So anyway, it all started this morning when it was such a nice weather to stay in.

When Dad and I were heading out, I reminded my mum of the technician coming today to install a phone line in the hall since the only phone line has always been in my room.

She asked why not install it in her room and I started saying it is also for the maid in case of emergency. She started saying how she would be home anyway, and I replied saying that when she is in Malaysia, and the maid and baby are in Singapore, it will be more convenient.

She got upset.

She started sarcastically saying, “Oh, I see! Baby and maid in Singapore, I return to Malaysia lah.”

Obviously that wasn’t what I meant, and I

…..

Anyway, I am no longer in the mood to re-blog.

The series of things that happened today made me rethink a lot.

I have decided to uproot Minibean, and I spoke to Dad about it. He sounded very down and sad, understandably, but he respected my decision on what is best for her.

I know it sounded very much like impulse, but nah, it is really something I would want to do, to make sure she grows up well and have a healthier environment.

The rain poured with intensifying furor as the match reached its climax.

Sudden death. Penalty. Either element is enough to make me hyperventilate. And now, they come hand in hand, tugging my nerves with every passing second.

My mind was completely blank when Anelka took his spot, and the awesome Van der Sar saved. I only remember screaming till I have no more voice and hugging everyone who is a Manchester United fan, in sight.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, UEFA Champions League winner, the newly crowned Europe’s best - Manchester United!!!

The rain continued to pour as it gets colder. It was a dramatic, and emotional final.

Their efficiency is amazing. The banner was put out within minutes after United claimed the title.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, NO TIME FOR LOSERS FOR WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS…. OF THE WORLD!

I screamt and sang at the top of my voice as I jumped up and down in my stilettos. I didn’t care I was the only person butchering Queen’s classic. I simply, went mad!

Bottomline, and something I learnt from 9 years ago.

Believe. Yes, believe.

For they, showed us the power of believing. Once again.

I am high on adrenaline. So high.