It is finally the last day of the year of the ox.

I think the thing with celebrations is, it always give us a chance to make-belief a new start, or perhaps, bookend and conclude something we hope to mark an end to.

But it is just another day, ya know ya know?

I know I hadn’t been updating as promised, probably with the new stuff I have been doing, and some new stuff I am trying to start, and also, I am down with a fever and getting a new bout of flu.

YES, ALL OVER AGAIN.

I had a serious bout just over the Christmas and new year season lor, and what are the chances I had to rush to the doc’s again today because I am afraid of getting the full bout of it over Lunar New Year?

Well, and I was told in the midst of my grogginess I was having a fever.

*Grumbles grumbles*

Not to mention how I was coughing my way to 6-pecs, and the constant constrictions to my head with the hardcore coughing that I developed a bad migraine last night. My nose started clogging up too.

So I had Tramadol, chlorpheniramine and codeine. TOGETHER.

I had mentioned several times how Tramadol gives me a floaty high. I have someone mentioned to me before how half a tablet of chlorpheniramine knocked him out. And we all know about codeine.

Was it surprising that I was unusually floaty and high for last night?

But what I didn’t expect was when I woke up every single time today, I was in a state of confusion and I was still feeling floaty and found myself not able to find the strength to even sit up?

So back to surreal-land I drifted off to.

I woke up and could feel as if the medicine didn’t even wear off after 15 hours.

I took a small nap and the grogginess was with me, and I was having slight shivers with the weightlessness still bugging me. Same, shallow breaths.

I ended up being a mighty infected tonight. They were right to say I might shoot better being high. I should start asking people out for L4D2 when I am having a migraine next time, and I am high on tramadol.

ROAAARRRRRRR.

Since it is the end of the year of the ox, and with me having so much backlog to clear, I didn’t have the chance to blog about my departure from my company.

Yes, I was officially unemployed on the first day of 2010 and it was quite an awesome way to start the new year with a break.

To complete what I set out to do, though some stuff are still yet to tick off.

I have already quite a bit of plans in mind as we progress into the year of the Tiger, and perhaps, this will be the point of things kicking into motion. I know I have been procrastinating, but yes, many of you already know what my plan is. Though a little hiccup and a little advice here and there are making me rethinking about my options. I am not disillusioned to think that the path I take is gonna be all rosy and glamourous, cos I know how tough it is gonna be, but nonetheless, as much as I am quite a dreamer to say this, moolah is not that important to me in exchange for invaluable experiences.

Of course a balance has to be struck.

Or if I am feeling a bit more generous with giving myself a longer break, I would see if I could postpone my plan past my 29th.

At this moment, it sure is great catching up with Minibean’s growth (sorry hun, it is time to get you onto the academic track), trying to rebuild the relationship with my mum, getting the other things sorted, put my health back on track, getting to know the world a little better, and just chill to do a bit of things at the side which I had always been wanting to do.

As much as I am still very much the melancholic person I am, I have to say I have enjoyed the simply joys and the luxury of feeling lighter.. and the improvements in all aspect I have been trying to do in this timeframe. This comfort and assurance is also perhaps why I hadn’t been blogging much, cos… sometimes too many things and revelations along the way, and the typing/blogging/thoughts can’t catch up with the changes.

Yes, I still think a lot, laughs.

Baby steps, hang on there, baby steps.

I wish that it would be a beautiful end to the year of the ox for everyone, and I don’t know whether to say HUAT AH to everyone or not, cos for all I know, people will be huat-ing from my moolah over Lunar New Year.

Still, wishing everyone plenty of prosperity (order prosperity burger when gambling!!), and ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING good Tiger year ahead.

Sounds a bit obligatory lah, but isn’t all celebrations about giving hope of a better year ahead?

Yes, hope. Keep it alive.

Someday, I shall be able to be open as I used to be, on this space, again.

I believe.

No words can describe the emotions the pictures of the devastation and grim reports brought forth, and if you have read the reports (I couldn’t stop fighting back the tears while staring at the picture of the father holding his girl, she must have been Minibean’s age?), seen the pictures, you would understand.

My prayers are with the people of Haiti, as well as the trained personnels who are involved helping out with the rescue, and reconstruction work.

Haiti is a country that was already plagued by poverty prior to the earthquake, and this quake is the worst disaster it has experienced in 2 centuries, and had demolished important structures like hospitals and agencies that are crucial to rescue and humanitarian works.

Even its control tower is destroyed, which makes rescue teams from other countries finding it a challenge to rush into the city to provide relief.

And it makes me fume that while the world is trying to help, its own people are trying to rob the victims. With the flood of dangerous criminals out on street after the prisons caved in… all and all.. and the people stranded on the streets with no medical help, Haiti is looking at threats of the aftermath of the shake. Everything is reportedly to be in chaos.

Not forgetting asswipes like this, who make such disgraceful statements that remind me why shameful incidents in my motherland exist.

Many people in the world had been pouring with requests to volunteer their physical help, but the only people they require are people with expertise in the field of relief work, and that leaves people like you and me, to help in the most practical way - by donation.

There are a few organizations that are helping, and I narrowed down to a few important ones after reading on the reports.

It is just heartbreaking.

With their health care systems in ruins, and hospitals collapsed, the most important and essential thing is to provide medical aid, get them better, and eventually reconstructing their lives. The number of people who needs help, is almost equivalent to Singapore’s entire population and for a country that was already requiring help prior to the catastrophe, it isn’t going to be easy for them to cope.

We have seen South East Asia recovered from the awfully tragic Tsunami, and it wouldn’t have been possible if not for international help.

Doctors without Borders have 800 ground staff and more on the way into Haiti as emergency response to help with the rescue efforts, and several reports have cited how Doctors without Borders are trying to operate at 2 hospitals and setting up inflatables to replace the other medical facilities lost.

Doctors without Borders, or Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is an independent humanitarian medical aid organisation. We are committed to providing medical aid where it is most needed, regardless of race, religion, politics or gender and also to raising awareness of the plight of the people we help.

They were operating in Haiti before the quake, and had clinics and hospitals set up. Unfortunately, some of them were considerably wrecked, and with some staff injured, it is also a mission they are struggling to cope with right now.

The operations need to be sustained, because they are pillar of support for the helpless people on the streets. People are just helplessly wandering around on the streets, because they could go no where, and when the staff pass by, the people will plead them to treat the injured.

They are also the hope for the people to cling onto dearly.

And with more to start from scratch for this, I believe a donation would be the best you and me can help.

You can follow their efforts with the sites of different countries, and the illustration of what they do with the money collected.

I don’t know who are still reading, but wherever you are in the world, do contribute to whatever cause you believe in to help the victims in Haiti to rebuild their lives, their homes, and their country.

DONATION CAN BE MADE HERE

I think this post is pretty much obligatory, like today a lot of people updating blogs (even those who hadn’t for eons!) simply because it is the end of the year, and it just seems fitting for something to bookend the year.

In fact, in my grogginess after dousing the cough syrup, I thought about what I would write, then you know how the feeling of “highness” and you think about the most atrocious things?

The funny images came and went, and before I knew it I couldn’t think straight and my mind told myself, “ai yah, just another day, I need to sleeeeeeeeeep” and went on cuddling my chow chow and blissfully drifted off again.

It is almost 5pm, and here I am with unbrushed teeth and probably with awesome breaths, suddenly finding myself typing this post with no pre-consideration to what I would write about this.

Actually, I don’t feel anything quite special, perhaps knowing how every year had ended and passed with such fanfare, and it feels like a diary I have finished using the pages, and I am now writing the last page of it, before going on to the next one.

I revisit my “2008 diary” mentally and it seems I had everything falling into my laps.

Yes, 2009 was eventful, relatively to 2008, many would have said it is a bad year. A year where people around me had their hearts broken, including my own. But at the same time, it was also in 2009 when I saw amazing things happening, and perhaps that’s the silver lining of it all, the worst will bring out the best.

I see blessings, I see recoveries, I see strength and grace in people, I see gorillas (haha!) and popeyes, I see people finding their well-deserved happiness after grief, I see  people forgive, I see people finding peace in the storm, I see true friendship when I saw her almost crying, and hey, I see Rome, Pompeii, Halong Bay and Phantom!

And 2009 had its extreme bads and unnecessary drama, meeting people I would rather not meet, dealing with friends the way I shouldn’t have, and choose to rather go to the extremes than to make a decision, I still have yet to master the act of making a decision.

I have spur of the moment reactions which I ain’t proud of, which I could look back and chuckle and wish that would never happen again. I think I am just glad I have the ability to simmer and forget fast, not in the forget totally, but like everything, it comes and goes.

Like what a colleague with strong character said, “I believe with time, a lot of things will go away. What everyone needs, is time.”

With time, some things did go away, some did not. Some acquaintances become friends, or even the guy with the BO you loathed most in high school can become your best friend after he forgave you for mocking at him and getting over the grudge. Or even the friend who had been there for more than a decade became the very person who makes you feel like the guy with the BO in high school.

I remember I was discussing with someone about revenges, “Do if it makes you feel better, but at the end of it, what do you really want to get out of it? Being indifferent to anyone who feels affected by you is perhaps the best you can do cos you stop giving the attention they craved, yet they are the ones who are still expecting your world to revolve around them. With so many things in life since we were young, it takes only time for things and people to be indifferent. How many times and years of clashes with people, and yet when meet again few years down the road, you can feel no animosity and smile and talk? Sure it sucks in the beginning, or there are some who will still bear grudges, but that’s not for you to control. That indifference is also your own personal victory of overcoming it cos you just shrug your shoulders when it happens, bitch about it, but it doesn’t really eat you up like it would when it is fresh or what others had wish it to do to you.”

Time, is all people need, and I am glad to say that 2009 had been graceful with me with time.

All this too, shall pass.

And with forgiveness, it brings peace. Have I forgot the bads totally? My mega memory serves me till I 5 years old leh, but good thing is I forget much of the pain that comes together with it. Good and bad. Good is, they can’t bug me much, bad is, you know how people say women are structured to forget about labour pains so they would go through with it again? Honestly, I can’t remember how painful it was, but I can remember it was painful la, so it is like there is a chance for stupidity to occur again.

Like seriously duh right?

Have I forgive? I try to do so every single day, and perhaps reading Bible verses (yes I know so preachy, just bear with me lah) helps (who is the one who sign me up for the daily updates one ah?!), cos it is not a matter of “He/She does that maybe because -insert excuse-….” and I try to make it sound better and feel better about it. It became “He/She does that because -insert worst scenarios-” and call a spade a spade, as bad as it is, and go all the way to say, despite this, I forgive.

Don’t know how to explain ah, but it kinda expands and broadens your threshold, by confronting reality, yourself, and eventually, forgives, and you feel that peace and indifference.

And what I remember of 2009 is actually a lot of the goods, maybe I do realise that with the worst, I did see some of the very best in people despite seeing the very worst. I think it is the same case for me too. Thus, I wish everyone well, and I don’t nor do I believe in wishing anyone ill. Even you Mrs Kp, laughs, you might not like me, but I do believe I will be very happy for you for the goods in your life. It does make life hopeful with all the fluffiness and all!

Still, there are certain tact I need to learn to manage people and heh heh heh, stay out of trouble. And I still need to overcome the social inaptness and the esteem issues that had prevented me to do a few important things for the fear of rejection.

But I awe myself with a few things I finally got my ass down to do. Pole dancing, salsa. Even sambal kangkong.

And Twenty 10 will be the year I go on to take the plunge and pursue things I have been meaning to achieve.

Twenty 10 will also be the year I will be making lotsa changes for Minibean, and starting to make arrangements that I had been meaning to avoid to maintain peace. But it will be a year I learn to make decisions for myself and stick to them. She will be finally going to school.

It will also be the year I will take control of the situation at home, and no more avoiding of issues.

2008, things came too easily.

2009, I need to get my ass out and learn new things and set things into motion. It was a year of getting out of comfort zone, and learning. It might not have that perfect ending, but still, I am thankful.

2010. With all the preparation 2009 had set me in, it will be the year, I hope I soar.

And with that, I hope you soar in 2010 as well, that it will be a year of brilliance, filled with plenty of awesome lovingness. There sure will be challenges, I pray for strength, and it will always come with a silver lining that you will get something good out of. Joy and happiness elude us ever so often, I hope for true happiness and bliss that stays consistent in your life to fill that emptiness. Good health, yes good health very important! Auntie here succumbed to maggie goreng and 2 pieces of prata kosong with very spicy curry and ended up feeling worse today.

Serves me right for not watching what I eat.

May it also be a year of plenty of good sex and mindblowing orgasms, not applicable if you are under 21 (yes, under 21 CANNOT!).

May 2010 be the year we all find what we have been looking for, and ourselves along the way. Maybe, we will learn to love the world fearlessly, again.

***

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne ?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine^† ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

***

AND OH OH OH! ONE THING I MUST SAY ABOUT 2009!

One of my “achievements”.

- wait for it -

………..

………….

Giggles, I know it is damn anti-climatic, don’t “CHEY” me hor.

….

But it has almost been a life-long “dream” of mine, I got shallow dreams, can?

So it does mean something to me, okay!

Hohoho.

Not very perfect, still got room for improvement, but STILL!

…….

-wait for it -

….

I FINALLY COULD….

…. DO A SPLIT! -Please ignore the big bruise and seemingly imperfect split-

YAY! I tell you is superbly plenty of happyness!

I had been trying for many years but no determination and all, so finally stuck my guns to making it work.

I know it is easy for many people but I have been the stiffest person I ever known (I should have been born a chap, I tell you!), and this was me just 2 months before, the furthest I could spread my legs (ahem), was just this:

And I would already swear and curse because it got too painful.

Took me a month plus to finally get to that, and after that, is of course to improve my balancing skills and maybe put my legs behind my head so I can busk in Orchard Road in 2010.

Happy new year everyone! Have the best of what’s left of 2009 and may 2010 be one that all of you will look back and smile.

Gee, did I say this post is obligatory?

It is 6pm and I haven’t even gotten out of bed to wash up! No plans for tonight but feeling damn good about it!

A song to end twenty o-nine:

Very random, but it was just some tune that stuck in my head. May 2010 be one of good changes!

Look at me
Look at me
I am changing, tryin’ every way I can
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear now
I am changng, I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I’m gonna start again, I’m leaving my past behind
I’ll change my life-I’ll make a vow
And nothing’s gonna stop me now…hey

This is it, here I stand
I’m the light of the world, I feel grand
Got this love I can feel
And I know yes for sure it is real

And it feels as though I’ve seen your face a thousand times
And you said you really know me too yourself
And I know that you have got addicted with your eyes
But you say you gonna live it for yourself.

I never heard a single word about you
Falling in love wasn’t my plan
I never thught that I would be your lover
C’mon baby, just understand

This is it, I can say,
I’m the light of the world, run away
We can feel, this is real
Every time I’m in love that I feel

Michael Jackson “This Is It” Lyrics

And I feel as though I’ve known you since 1,000 years
And you tell me that you’ve seen my face before.
And you said to me you don’t wnat me hanging round
Many times, wanna do it here before

I never heard a single word about you
Falling in love wasn’t my plan
I never thught that I would be your lover
C’mon baby, just understand

This is it, I can feel
I’m the light of the world, this is real
Feel my song, we can say
And I tell you I feel that way

As I watched the movie, besides being impressed, I was utterly, utterly, moved.

I didn’t know what to expect from the film, but perhaps was thinking people might rain praises on the deceased, just because it was the right thing to do.

There were moments when I was moved beyond words. Perhaps, there was a magical feel to it, like having a voyeurism fetish fulfilled.

Maybe it was that curiosity, of getting to know an almost mystical persona on a deeper level, to be reminded of his talent, which was overshadowed by the relentless ridicules, speculations, sensationalisations, and physicians’ works.

Many people said they were surprised by how… normal he was.

I was just impressed by how…. devoted, sensual, and passionate he was. There was an surprise element of intimacy, which I believe wouldn’t be possible with just anyone.

It could be just because that, I was deeply moved by this man’s talent, this man’s passion which the world had long forgotten.

It could be just because that, at the back of my mind, I was reminded that I was watching a man’s journey to his end, as he inched towards his eventual untimely death.

And this documentary, was one set out to realise the unfulfilled dreams of not only Michael Jackson, but the bright-eyed folks who were one way or another, looking for their chances to shine.

“This is your chance to shine, go on! We’ll be right there with you,” encouraged the King of Pop, when he had finished his singing, and he went on to gave his suggestion on how the young girl with the guitar could go on improving.

Of course, if you are somewhat cynical, you can’t ignore the fact that it also realised the dream$ of the hungry vultures in the form of AEG Live. But hey, the film would be one the world would like to see, and I believe, MJ would have wanted it to be the final gift. And it was tastefully done to do somewhat some poetic justice.

There was appreciative claps at the end of the film, perhaps because, they saw the love, the passion in the perfectionist who was gone too soon.

I was truly, truly fascinated. It was almost like a trip to the Disneyland. I don’t know how to explain the feeling.

It would have been a magnificent show, and I was glad there were footages like these for us to use our imagination to paint the frills to the what could have beens.

I was just slightly disappointed without hearing Heal the World nor You are not alone.

There were moments.

Like whenever he sang LIVE and it just blew me away… I would have thought, most would be lip-synched, but this man is all about quality. I thought I would hear him panting away with his voice cracking in between breaths, and screaming for an oxygen mask or something for his age. No, his voice was bloody AMAZING.

From the smallest element of how each instrument should accompany him, he was there to give his gentle input.

He was there to have fun like a little kid when he was on the cherry picker.

And the part when I thought he was singing brilliantly and he was apologising he was conserving his voice, and asked for understanding.

And there was the part he told everyone not to “force” him to sing all out (cos he was conserving his voice). Though there weren’t audience, the crew were all engaged by his sheer talent, and he felt compelled to perform for them.

He was surprisingly engaging for someone who the world had assumed to be totally detached from reality.

That little smile when the lights faded out for “They don’t really care about us”.

And how the dancers put their hands in the air when he sang “I’ll be there”, it was almost irresistable for me to put my hand in the air to do so.

And his hands. I don’t know why, I was just drawn to watching his hands.

It was a group dream to be made into reality. If you just feel the team spirit, everyone’s heart and sweat in it… it is just a shame that the world had to miss it, but was lucky enough to catch a clear glimpse of it through This is it.

The moment he charmed everyone with his moment of Billy Jean.

I believe the moment he moonwalked while singing Billy Jean decades ago, was the moment he triggered the dream in every dancer-wannabe.

And there was magic in the air as the dancers watched him, even though they were not part of it, like they were in many other instances.

It was like watching their hero, and they all look like children… again.

An icon shining on the stage where he belonged.

Even though it was of his rehearsals, I believe his rehearsals’ quality blatantly outshine the quality Live concerts of artistes these days.

He didn’t even cut corners with his rehearsals, asking for repeats, saying that’s what rehearsals are for.

Music is truly in his blood and to see his creativity at work was intoxicating.

I can’t say amazing enough.

And oh man, those moves. I was prepared to feel uneasy with awkward moves, but I forgot to pick up my jaw with Billy Jean, which I believe those who were there would have felt the same way.

Of his passing, there were many reports, but here’s one from the dancer:

Dancer recalls Michael Jackson’s last day of life.

The pop legend that Daniel Celebre rehearsed with gave no hint that he’d be dead within a day

What was Michael Jackson’s state of mind 13 hours before he was pronounced dead?

“He was happy, he was smiling, he was laughing with us,” remembers Daniel Celebre, who was a principal dancer in the superstar’s This Is It comeback tour.

Celebre had been rehearsing with Jackson in Los Angeles “for three months, eight hours a day and he always danced full out. His energy was amazing, man.”

In fact, on June 24, the last day of Jackson’s life, director Kenny Ortega staged the show and “we ran through the whole thing and finished at about 1:30 in the morning,” Celebre, a dancer based in Toronto, recalled in an interview yesterday at the midtown BDX dance studio.

“The feeling was unbelievable. Michael was at the top of his game. People who had known him for years said he’d never danced better.

“We even ran `Thriller’ for the first time in costume and the people from wardrobe were in the audience crying. They told us `You guys don’t understand how amazing it looks.’”

When asked if Jackson seemed tired or under strain, Celebre shook his head emphatically. “Every day he looked fly, but that day, he was better than ever. He looked young, man. His form was so perfect.”

Every evening Jackson and the dancers would say goodnight to each other. That night was no exception. “We always hugged. I said `Hey Mikey, I love you,’ and he said, `I love you too, bro.’”

And that’s the last Celebre ever saw of Jackson.

The next day is a hard one for the 24-year-old to remember, because it ended a longtime dream.

Celebre was born in Nobleton, Ont., from “a large and close-knit Italian family.” His mother took him to jazz and tap lessons at the age of 4. Soon he was into hip hop, breakdancing and his favourite, electric boogaloo, “which I tried to do just like Michael Jackson.”

He did lots of club, promotional, TV and movie work, playing opposite Hilary Duff as the dance double for the male lead in the climactic scene of The Lizzie McGuire Movie when he was only 18.

But in 2007, “I stopped dancing, for personal reasons. I wanted to be the best dancer I could be and all people wanted were the stunts I could do. `Can this guy spin on his head? Can he do the flip?’ Of course I could, but I knew I could be so much more than that and so I just walked away.”

His father had taken over La Salumeria, the Italian deli on Yonge near Davisville, so Celebre joined him there. On April 10, he was “slicing some mortadella” when he got a call from his agent in California.

“I know you’ve been turning down every job I’ve offered you for two years, but you always said the only person you’d come back for is Michael Jackson. Well, you’ve got an audition for him tomorrow. Get out here.”

At first, Celebre resisted, but his father said, “Daniel, you’re going on the plane tomorrow. Hurry up.”

He was giddy with excitement, rather than nail-bitingly nervous.

“Everybody else on the line was stressing out. I just kept dancing. `What are you nervous about, people?’ I’d tell ‘em. `This is Michael. Let’s have fun.’”

They whittled the dancers from 500 to 250 and finally to 10. After he made the last cut, he met Jackson.

“I shook his hand. It was huge, man. He had the glasses, the hair, the black suit. We stood there and I thought, `You’re nothing but love, man.’”

Celebre loved the rehearsals and hard work that made everybody better and better. And then came June 25.

“We were all sitting in our dressing rooms, ready to start rehearsals. I was watching a clip of Mikey doing `Ease on Down the Road’ from The Wiz on my computer.

“We never had the TV on, but somebody had put it on ’cause Farrah Fawcett had just passed. Then we started to get the news about Mikey…. People were running down the halls screaming. Some fell to their knees. Everybody was crying. Everybody.”

The rehearsals were filmed and will now be released as the much-anticipated movie This Is It on Oct. 28, but Celebre hates recalling the funeral, the memorial, “all those things that rub my nose in the fact that he’s gone.”

Celebre prefers to recall the first day of rehearsal.

“He told us he was taking us on an awesome adventure … and he did.”

The energy came from passion, because I believe no amount of painkillers could fuel such… ironic as it sounds, life.

Alas, however big this film be, it could never be the epic the genius architect could well be accomplishing.

And try as you might, there will be moments you find yourself blowing away the sugar-coating, to see the reliance on the painkillers, the torment of pain and the constant need to fend off people out to exploit him, and living a life of never to be understood.

It always takes some sort of loss, before we learn how to celebrate life.

I don’t know when is the last time something triggers something like this out of me, but I believe it has something to do with something I have been wanting to write more about, but could not find the emotional strength to sit through.

So, comes in the procrastination.

I have been wanting to write about my parents.

I have been wanting to write about this particular conversation I have had with my dad some weeks back that made me cry, but just kept putting off.

And then, instead of writing them down, the words got tossed around, and played with my mind tonight.

I have had trouble sleeping these couple of days, with my energy level going sky high. Then I will doze off in car rides from destination A to B, finding solace in the cool, chilly, rainy weather.

The thoughts that process through my mind are at bullet-speed, flying past at a frightening speed, as if my mind could take it no more.

Yet at the same time, I couldn’t verbalise them out, and they get stuck at the back of my head.

Then, I panic.

And when I do, more thoughts starting triggering and flooding to the front, and the vicious cycle continue, and I could not capture them in time.

Even the important ones got lost somewhere along the way.

If people meet me in real life before, I am not one who is the most eloquent person you will find. I have problems expressing myself, and words often get in the way of speech.

Strangely enough, when I start to let my fingers do the typing, the speed and flow and heaviness of my push on the keys, often could reach the point of a frantic obsession.

Because the thoughts are just so eager to flow out.

Maybe that’s why this space has became somewhat like a bubbled world to me.

It makes me feel less vulnerable than in the real world, safer in my own world, yet finally find the release of getting my thoughts in words, and I could find the clues to those little thoughts that slip me by ever so often, and catch glimpses of them, in case I miss them.

Somewhat it also slows down the speed of thoughts in me, and make me… finding the space to… just breathe.

So many things on my mind.

So many backlogs.

So many things seen and heard.

So many things bulleting forward.

So many things.

And yet, there are times like this, when I just wanna mute everything, silence everything, so that the mind get some peace.

Someone asked me if I was upset today as I sat there staring into the blank space, reflecting upon life. Reflecting upon changes.

The precise 2 topics. One brought up over a break at work, and another brought up at a wake.

I thought of the conversation with dad, and then saw the vultures who were consumed by greed, taking advantage of people who are dealing with grief. How low.

As usual, the upfrontness and candidness got the better of me, and the exact thoughts going on in my mind were voiced out to two, sweet young girls who probably had done pretty well adding a sweet tinge to the bitterness in life.

It is morbid in some ways, but that was what the conversation with dad was about. Somewhat morbid, somewhat matter-of-factly.

And then, only now, did I realise, they were right.

I was upset, and I was disturbed. But I felt I shouldn’t or have any rights to be, cos… everyone was putting on a brave, strong front.

“It is okay now lah, but once the party is over…” she half-laughed to mask the thought she probably didn’t want to spend time dwelling on.

I was thinking about my family.

I was thinking about people I love.

I was thinking about things I have been taken for granted.

I was thinking about the conversation.

I was thinking about things I don’t want to talk about or entertain the possibility.

But this is life. The unpredictability, the regrets.

What purpose does this post serve?

It will be like a few other posts, sparked off by a sense of moroseness, and then we all, trudge on, and will soon forget the moral of the story it is supposed to drill into my thick skull.

Cos sometimes, we just hope that with sheer mind power, we can will away the things we don’t want happen to us, and trudging on with the silliness, making mental notes along the way to not be complacent with what we have.

You can call it denial. I call it coping with life. Different people have different ways of making life more bearable to get through.

Some do it more aggressively, by putting others down to elevate themselves, some do it by arming themselves with walls so they can brace themselves for war anytime, some  just choose to forget so they are not gnawed by the pain. Some choose to laugh, so to.. just… make-belief they are strong.

And everyone, to a certain degree, does it, differentiated by the level of integrity exercised, or compromised.

And with the crazy idea I have been toying in my head, with the signs and all… it seems like I should just go ahead, and put it into action and be, gee, I don’t know, utterly, senselessly, crazy.