I don’t know you anymore.

I never did, and perhaps, never will.

Happy New Year everyone!

I felt no joy, no difference, not excitement for the end of an amazing year.

And for the resolution I made to my girlies for new year night, let’s just say that I fulfilled it. Uhm, somehow(though must give discount).

It was quite an interesting night, where I was tired, lost and, insecure.

I ended up crying in Zouk, in front of someone I dating, and then I cried all the way home as I board a cab to leave Zouk earlier, so no one would feel obliged to leave with me.

I started 2008 very emotionally. Maybe it is good. I decided I will stop explaining myself to people, especially people who might not understand.

I was very honest for the last days of 2007, and I was even brutally honest at the start of 2008.

But I simply couldn’t stop crying.

I drank quite a bit tonight, and it definitely wasn’t the alcohol, cos I was already in a wreck this morning.

I woke up with a dread, and could not keep an empty mind when I tried to go back to sleep again.

Tonight, I just want to be left alone. Really.

Tonight, I just want to be cuddled.

But honestly, I don’t think anyone would want to cuddle me without wanting something else in return.

Then again, I am too high and tired to want to do something else.

So, I am just going to blog, say happy new year, and head straight to bed.

Happy new year everyone.

My new year resolution?

I just want to live. I just want to live better.

I shall be nicer to myself.

I am actually crying myself silly right now.

Right after breakfast.

I feel so silly.

And it is out of nowhere.

So scary.

I think it is such an incredible year.

It really is.

It was just a random scene on television.

It was just a random song from the CD playing in the car.

It was just…. a book.

I thought. That was why.

But I was proven otherwise.

Denial. Maybe. Perhaps. Maybe. Just maybe. Even the smallest maybe.

What was my expected reaction? No reaction.  I am supposed to be a rag doll to anyone. I am supposed to be void of any reactions. No fuss. No trouble. No… whatever. I am not a barbie doll, I ain’t supposed to have.. you know, a smirk, nor a smile.

I know. I already did.

That’s how the story goes.

Don’t know? Hurhur. Unlikely. Don’t know again. Ah. I see. Blatant to see.

Maybe it was just an underhanded method. I was there. Which? Where? Oh. Careful, not there, you thought. Just in case, you thought.

Lose me.

Maybe to make it easier.

I should just say how happy I am to see everyone being screwed so miserably.

I am, really.

And I know, it is easy for you guys to believe.

Hurhur.

And I am exhilarated to lose friends. Woohoo! It is the greatest feeling in the world. To chuck away friends whose eyes you have no place in.

I am, really.

And I know, you would go “ah ha! I knew it!”.

Cos it is easier to read what you want to read, to know what you want to know, to see what you want to see.

Oh. And there’s the cousin there.

And I am feeling just thrilled to see everyone where they are.

And I am feeling just so satisfied how tormented they are.

And I am so disappointed it didn’t make anyone hate me enough to stab me.

Hurhurhur.

I am happy. I really am.

Who and what the fuck do you guys take me for?

For all that humiliation? For all that insults?

Maybe not in your eyes, but those words said were evident.

I missed a curtain contractor’s calls at 2.35pm. I didn’t forget that he said he would be here anytime between 2pm to 4pm.

I sprung up from bed to search for my phone and then saw the missed calls.

I muttered an “oh shit” and frantically called him back.

He appeared at my doorstep and I was terribly apologetic.

“You know huh, please, I have another meeting to go for. You are not the only appointment. I was really seriously thinking if I should do it for you, you know? Please la, answer your phone. And really, you should get a life.”

It wasn’t what I had expected after I knew it wasn’t a good start to a Monday, which saw me being awake at 9am and had a teary start to the day.

As much as I tried to calm myself and bit my lower lip down to say “That was uncalled for, and if I knew getting your help means humiliation for me, I wouldn’t have done it. You could very well leave, really. No, fuck off, I mean.”

But I didn’t.

All I did was hide into my room and started crying even more.

Whatever impressions he had of me must be what I think it is.

And just when I thought it couldn’t be any worse.

I was dealt with another slap across my face.

It got to a point that I wasn’t even trying to hide it in front of the contractor’s girlfriend who was trying to round off the situation.

And then another slap.

And then another slap.

Whoever said I should get out of it should be slapped.

Because when I want to get out of it, someone would just be down even further.

And now, I really don’t want to ever come out anymore.

And to think I was speaking so greatly about my cousin to my dad and how he should engage his services. No, I don’t think he owe me anything because I engage his services, just like I don’t think he should think I owe him anything, and I expected some form of respect like I would suppose he does too.

I must be the hottest potato in town.