Yesterday when I met one of my clients in a vest-tee, jeans, glasses and everything. He commented that I looked cute and cuddly.

“Today you www dot innocent dot com man,” he joked.

He was in tees, jeans, and his hair was a scruffy do, a vast difference from the past 2 times I saw him.

*Giggles*

He said if I wear retainers it would be all the more cuter. Oh, I do wear retainers at home, you know?

Anyway, that aside.

***

Today started with Brian picking me up to head down to NUS. Bah. I had troubles waking up and it was a mad rush again.

We then went to Bras Brasah, dropped by Sim Lim, and I was running up and down to get things done, before I remembered I had to get Minibean’s cot.

As my envelopes were printing, I was spacing out for a while, and possibly letting myself chill for a little while.

I could find my muscles relaxing just a wee bit, and work stuff clearing out from my mind.

I thought of what my mum told me today. Minibean is already walking within the cot with the help of the bars.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am missing out.

I thought of her. I thought of many things. I thought of how my income is still atrociously low.

Then, I know not how, why, what. Just a second before, I was laughing, joking, vetting through the envelopes and rejecting some of them and demanding for a reprint, even smiling as I messaged my girlies if they wanted mahjong.

The next second, as I allowed myself to relax, I just suddenly had an influx of emotions, and I sat on the bench, and I just suddenly teared.

The next moment, I had my face in my hands and I was crying.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What the….?

Then I thought of the envelopes, I stood up, and I checked on them.

Then I was okay again.

My mind cannot be left to idle.

***

I then wanted to rush to United Square, but the shops were closed.

I then rushed to Novena Square. No luck.

Thanks Uncle Roy, for ferrying me around.

We then had dinner at Pepper Lunch, before he sent me back.

My 6th sense ah, really superb, I tell you.

But sigh, despite all the running around, I didn’t manage to get to the shops in time to grab a cot home.

I needed the cot because the cot at home really would not be safe for her. We suggested mattress, but she is really too active that she is already pulling wires and playing with plugs, and it is highly likely we would find her sleeping in the middle of the floor, or other corners of the room, other than the mattress.

Tomorrow I die die must get one.

Mum says she has no sense of safety. Her favourite game is free falling from sitting position, standing position, or whilst ‘walking’.

TSK!

***

I have a long list of to-do list. Many of which I have yet to fulfil.

My passport.

My contact lens is long overdue… (uhm… I believe more than 3 months already)

Kitchen renovation(cabinets are rotting, BADLY). I still have my floor plan with me.
Child proof my place.

Okay.. there’s still work in mind that has a long list of things.

***

I don’t like rudeness. Period.

***

I had a nice, cuddly night.

It felt.. really good, to be taking a walk in the moonlight..
My cowardice earned me a new nickname, and I giggled at it cos I know how aptly it fits me.

It is sometimes good to take minds off for a while, and just have a nice, tight embrace… and of course, the side of his neck that fits my head ever so snugly.

I had needed that comfort.

***

“I miss back then,” we were just talking about this phase.. when it was 2 years ago, when things just started.

“.. when things were simpler, when things were more honest, when we were better friends…”

“…. uhm,” came the distracted reply.. “Okay, I will talk to you tomorrow.”

Hurhurhur.

How swift was the point proven.

***

We were having a drink, basking in the breeze as we sat by the kerb in the carpark, chatting.

He had his arm briefly on my shoulders, as I occasionally sulked as I leaned on him.

A call came in.

Dad had called to ask where I was.

I told him I was nearby home. He told me he was just downstairs.

Knowing how it would just be a quick stop for him, I just stood up without telling SBB what it was, and I half-ran to the lobby, hoping to see my dad there.

But as fate had its way… hahahaha, Dad turned in and had wanted to park at the lot where SBB’s bike was parked. And yes, the lot where SBB was sitting at, since from afar, it was as if the lot wasn’t taken.

Before I had my chance to walk over, Dad was already turning in, and eeeerrrrrr… he stopped right at the lot cos I was standing there.

Dad wound down the window and we had a conversation right where SBB was behind me.

Dad saw him a few times, and though I had tried to pretend I was alone, Dad knew lah.

“Wah.. sit bike again ah you.” Parents don’t like me on bikes cos they always think it is dangerous(Considering their daughter has been sitting bike for like… 8 years already, you would have thought they have gotten used to it).

I convinced him I wasn’t and my ‘friend’ was just dropping by.

SBB was like, “You so should have told me” and gave me a nervous laugh, after Dad had passed me something, and driven away.

“I was wondering if your dad would reverse into the lot(since he had taken his lot and 101 other reasons), into my bike, and into me.

I laughed and said how possible it would be. I excused myself to head up to take some stuff, and he quickly rushed me for my return.

I think he was afraid my dad would make a return trip.

But it was quite funny, actually.

Don’t worry sweets, I doubt my dad would do that.

My helmet was on your bike, remember?

***

I have an amazing dad, who gave grace, and face.

***

I was holding my wallet, making payment for a purchase, when he saw the photograph of a month-old Minibean and me.

He tried to look but as I was fishing out the note, he waited when the transaction was done, before he took the wallet over to have a look.

In one of his rare boyish moments, he grabbed the wallet and gave a spontaneous, cute, loud smooch on Minibean with a grin on his face.

That was, sweet.

Why the gift, you asked me.

Buy her something, you said.

Buy myself something, you suggested.

I don’t know why, but just so.

Just so.

Just so for the answer, above.

***

Baby is enjoying yet another trip.

Gee.

She is now back in Negeri Sembilan, together with my Mum who decided to make the trip back together with my auntie and uncle(and the youngest cousin) since it’s her eldest brother’s birthday and a grand celebration is thrown by his 10 children.

I encouraged Mum to go back with Minibean since I would really want her to know her family, extended ones, too.

Sooooo… the 2 of them woke up early this morning and baby was so excited that she didn’t even want to sleep in the car even though it was 5.30 in the morning when she heard sounds and greeted my dad with a grin.

Tsk. How could my mum not even ring back when I have no way of contacting her? I am slightly annoyed.

***

It’s the time of the year again.

And gee, it has been a year since my contracted date to my insurance company.

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I’m telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)
But you keep fronting (Uh)
Saying what you going to do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain’t seen nothing (Uh)

I’m telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)
But you keep fronting (Uh)
Saying what you going to do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain’t seen nothing (Uh)

Typical
Hardly the type I fall for
I’m liking the physical
Don’t leave me asking for more
I’m a sexy mama (Mama)
Who knows just how to get what I want and (Want and)
What I want to do is spring this on you (On you)
Back up all of the things that I told you (Told you)

You been saying all the right things all night long
But I can’t seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can’t you see?
How these clothes are fitting on me
And the heat coming from this beat
I’m about to blow
I don’t think you know

I’m telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh)
But you keep fronting (Uh)
Saying what you going to do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain’t seen nothing (Uh)

You say you’re a big boy
But I can’t agree
‘Cause the love you said you had
Ain’t been put on me
I wonder
If I’m just too much for you
Wonder
If my kiss don’t make you just
Wonder
What I got next for you
What you want to do? (Do)

Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours
I can see, just like most guys that your game don’t please
Baby, can’t you see?
How these clothes are fitting on me
And the heat coming from this beat
I’m about to blow
I don’t think you know

Come on baby, loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe
Baby, won’t you loosen up my buttons babe?
Loosen up my buttons babe

I’m gonna make you loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe
Why don’t you loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe

***

Somehow, this song always reminds me of poles, stockings, garters, leather boots, black gloves, lotsa gyrating and grinding…

Oh joy. Now, this song reminds me of boots, red skirt, corset top, lips, toes.. sans poles.

You know, it is amazing what self-consciousness and esteem could do to hinder you to do things you only dare to do intoxicated.

Whilst we were at work site yesterday and totally maxed to the brim, we got a little out of our minds.

Roy’s annoying ring tone is the infamous jingle of a particular brand of hair rubber, that went on and on nonstop, annoyingly so.

There was this part when we were all learning how to breathe and bite our lips down, he decided to seek solace in his handphone ringtone.

“I…… can give you XXX….”

He started swaying to it as the sentence started…

And then, Brian continued and sang along, doing a mini-jiggle to the haunting music.

I looked totally disgusted before the 3rd sentence kicked in and out of nowhere, I unbuttoned my vest and did a full version, by twirling my hair, bringing my head from side to side, moving my body, tapping my feet.

The impromptuness provided great comic relief for the explosive afternoon.

Whenever we looked a little too serious, or were too engrossed in something(or even in the mall), Roy would just switch it on and we would just do our little jiggles. Was damn funny only if you were there to see.

I don’t know how the topic was led to lapdance, but hmm, it reminded of the times when I was younger, full of energy, and such. With low confidence level, it just seems like I can never dance good again. Bleah.

Then again, it somehow triggered off some creativity within me.

Well, yesterday was hectic and I just couldn’t wait to wrap off the night with some great comfort in sturdy arms and cosy snuggles(Grr.. work dragged till blardy late. He was home waiting when I got back *giggles*).

Then again creativity doesn’t work when before you get things started and you start receiving comments. Ahem.

Then again, creativity doesn’t work well with lights.

Hell! Creativity doesn’t work well with post-natal figure too!

But creativity works very well with PussyCat Dolls’ Buttons.

Creativity brings a lot of giggles.

And creativity is a great way to repay your cockroach hero’s kindness. He who came to your rescue when there was a big cockroach right next to you in the bathroom and you could only wish it doesn’t pounce on you when you are peeing, and then rush for the insecticide as you called him to help you. Which he did.

I tried hard to mask my durian breaths though. Muahahaha.

The dimmed, chilled room seemed a bit hot despite the air-conditioner though.

It was quite a fun and heavy night of buttons pushing. Don’t ask me why he was late for work today though.

It definitely wasn’t the day-quickie.

Definitely wasn’t.

Anyone knows where to go for lapdance classes? Cough.

Web cams are waaaay too cool.

It was a gift from long time ago, but I didn’t expect it to come in handy.

Gifts and surprises were hardly part of what we shared for the most of the 2 years(gee, Charissa turns 7 months today, and 2 years is just… end of the month), yet I think I pretty much utilise everything today.

Yes darling, you were sexy in it. *Smirk*

***

I honestly do not like this part of the year.

I have always dread August, September and October(except for MotoGP).

Somehow, they always seem like the loneliest month for me.

Not to mention how I had a mega big breakup 3 years ago on August.

Oh, you know, I always feel teary when watching National Day Parade that I stop watching them altogether?

Oh, and I used to have my term break in September, and I would fly back for a short holiday and leaving was always hard.

Oh, there was this August long ago… when I met her for the very first time.

I always fall sick during this period of time.

Friends would get into accident during that period of time.

My first puppy love’s birthday was in September and subsequent couple of years on his birthday, I would always feel a sense of moroseness.

Oh yes, who can forget that silly cringe-worthy Goodbye post last 9th September(which is the day I untwirled my pictures, say, 2 years ago).

Oh yes, of course, in September last year(on my first puppy love’s birthday, no less), someone called me, told of his frustration of his friend judging him(which I later know why) for.. uhm, that reason.

And of course, in October, when he finally “made his move”?

The irony eh?

And last year around that time, I didn’t manage to hit my freaking target and I didn’t get paid!

And of course, even my freaking computer died on me in October(%^#^%@#%$) and I lost my ATM card in the cab(uhm, not the time I froze it in the freezer)!

Oh! I even spent a bomb cos I got bad tummy cramps and I was feeling dizzy and all, and was in hospital(I have never, ever been in that bad a situation.. of course the fact that I was 30 something weeks pregnant made it important that I spent that afternoon in the ward).

Oh… and I remember many broken hearts in those months last year.

And I remember the feeling I had. Which I just encrypted it in the words, ‘Harsh.. just too harsh”(Ha! The mega-irony!).

I just simply dread August. September. And October.

And this year.. I dread July too.

***

Pardon me for the lack of updates. I simply couldn’t find it in me to want to blog.

A mundane Monday with a meeting in the office, before I rushed to Sim Lim to meet with a supplier, had coffee with Brian(whose business I believe to be damn good cos he is getting new bike, new phone and going for a holiday!) and Roy(who took over Brian’s phone), before Tracy(who got herself a new DVD writer) and Nick(who splurged on some graphic software) joined us.

Dammit. All of you damn rich right?(In a way, I was happy for everyone. It was like it was Christmas. Just that we all deserve all these little treats that we have been deprived for so long. My friends, we are not there yet, but we are getting there, alright? Hang in there.)

I want a new toy too.

A darling of mine was all broken and I wish there was more I could do.

Everything was on a downward spiral from there. I felt sick. I felt tired. I felt like running home and hide. Not after I went to St George with Nick, Tracy and Roy(I got all upset and affected when I saw a man carrying a bag of socks, belts and perfumes going around the table.. because I felt helpless and since I was like 4 or 5 years, people who look like they are struggling with life, always make me cry. I am mad. Damn. I am the kind who gets all guilty if I don’t buy or donate but how many times can I do that without going beyond my means??).

And I did for a while, just too tired to be answering calls.

No cabs in sight, and I just felt the lingering tears. I even resorted to prayers to get myself a cab so I could get out of there.

And a cab came, and the driver was heading to where I was going.

I indulged in episode after episodes of Ghost Whisperer.

I am onto the 8th episode, and there wasn’t a single episode that didn’t get a single tear from me.

It is good therapy.

I got bored and web cam entertained me. We would be good entertainers.

***

Last night I got on a cab.

I told the cab driver I was in his cab before.. right down to where to where, which date, what time. I think I freaked him out.
It was his partner, not him who was driving the other day(his partner does afternoon shift, and him, midnight). But what was the odds of me getting on to a cab that I had been on just 2 and half weeks ago?

It was the interior of the cab(the disc displayed on the windscreen and the magazine at the back of the seat). And then the number struck me(must be the photographic memory thingy again).

I think I should buy 4D.

***

I have to go on a trip soon and I hate to go for this compulsary trip for team building and some re-focusing thingy.

I really don’t want to.

Because, I might not be there for you, when you finally say goodbye… and you know what? I know for sure I would cry buckets too.

I feel bad I can’t be around when you leave.

I love your comment. Thank you.

I love you small one to bits - from the very first day I saw the little icky-looking-tongue-spitting you. I bet you are the only baby who laughs and gurgles and smiles SO much. And you! The big one who moaned during labour! You must stay sane and happy, so when it’s my time, you can teach me how to moan instead of hurling vulgarities at my gynae, aye?

As you guys can see, I am totally incoherent, and that my thoughts are all over the place(thus the brackets of sidetracked thoughts).

I am hungry(see! It’s totally irrelevant!).

But I had a fabulous weekend with Minibean(whom I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday with!), which explains why my emotions found home for that few days, and no updates on this little space.

(It is cool isn’t it? It’s like I have the barest thoughts and really typing whatever that is from the top of my mind)

I miss her already.

Roy is right. He always say I need emotional support the very day and the next one or 2 days after Minibean is back with my Mum.

Oh well.

I really shouldn’t be digressing. My eyes are gelling shut.

***

This sounds really weird.

Today out of nowhere, Roy mentioned this Mandarin song by a Hong Kong singer to Tracy(anyone remember Daniel Chan?).

And out of absolute boredom, when I surfing a friend’s friendster, I actually clicked on this profile, and it was..  gasp, him!

You would be surprised which other celebrities actually do go on friendster(and I don’t mean local).

Alright, today’s post is so absolutely random. I shan’t type on shall I type the wrong stuff.

It wasn’t quite an ideal start to the day with a meeting back in the office, and I wasn’t quite in the mood to head out of the house.

Fortunately, my colleague was heading home, and I decided to hitch a ride back home.

And then, a rife with my partner(who, was pretty stressed) that got me pretty upset and I just wanna hole up under the duvet and sulk the evening away.

A phone call with SBB didn’t quite help and I just wanna hang up on him. He had became my verbal punch bag in the wake of all the stress that had built up within me these hectic weeks.

He said he would call me back and I was all ready to avoid all his calls and ignore all his messages.

I was just sulking and sulking and sulking, when I heard the doorbell ring.

Couldn’t be. He never turns up unexpectedly.

Then the house phone was ringing relentlessly. I plucked out the cable.

Then the mobile blinked persistently. I chucked it under the pillow and pretended not to hear it.

I went to the hall to switch off all the lights and heard the door bell again.

When I decided to open the door finally, the other side of the peep hole was just lifeless.

So, he left, I supposed.

I went into my room and headed right under the duvet, and the phone rang again.

Arrrrrgggghhhhh.

I refused to pick up and then the door bell rang again.

I went to the hall and just opened the door in the dark and headed straight back into my dark room and dove right under the duvet, sulking.

He plonked right on top of me and gave me a tight hug. I wished he didn’t do that.

“Have you eaten? Are you hungry?”

I didn’t answer.

My defense wore thin and I just wanted to cry out the days of frustration.

Of course, my pride didn’t allow that though my eyes got a little too moist for my liking.

It was all silence when he laid down next to me, and dipped my head snugly onto his shoulders and gave me the tightest embrace he could manage.

“Everything is gonna be okay…”

I clung on tightly as he planted smooches to make me feel a little better.

I think the fact that I was looking all vulnerable and all curled up in bed afraid did something to him.

***

The corridor was dark and the lights were off.

He hugged me from the back as he leaned against the wall just by the guest room.

The guest room was where Minibean spent most of the time sleeping in for the first 2 months of her life, and I miss her a great, great deal.

***

*Checks bum in the mirror*

Hmm.. I can’t help but wonder if my butt is actually getting bigger.

Possibly from the childbearing.. or such, I think.

***

I was later told that he would have jumped through the back window at the kitchen should I not open the door.

Hahahahaha! Shit I should have just not open!

***

He ordered McDee’s and we sat across the mahjong table as we chatted the night away, bantered the night away, bickered the night away… tickled the night away.

It was then a slight hint of thunder was heard, and then the weather took a turn for the worse.

And… somehow, the rain soothed me so much more, of course it was the fact that I had someone around me when it rained that made it much more amazing.

“You know, last night my dad bought supper back for me, and we sat at the dining table eating Nasi Lemak, and talking about Minibean. I started to joked that he is spoiling her silly and she needs to be disciplined, and then he went on and said in a gentle yet defensive way ‘Yah what! She is just a baby, she doesn’t know anything that is happening, so cannot scold mahhh…’”

“Hmm… you know what? I agree with what your dad says.” He said with a big grin.

Grr….

With the occasion hugs from the back, and bursts of silly talks between the serious ones, it was all good.

It was the best when we were just sitting side by side on the bed with me sorting out some thoughts, recounting the past few days’, and hearing the slight rattles of the rain as I leaned close to his chest, feeling warm and fuzzy.

I love rainy nights.

A pity he didn’t stay long, and he left when the rain ceased a little.

As I bade him goodbye with another tight embrace, I whispered, “Be safe…”

Slightly less than 20 minutes later, the rain got heavier and I held the duvet around me even tighter, as I savour the traces of warmth he had left me with.

Was going to start blogging when work calls just wouldn’t stop coming in.

I had a nice trip down memory lanes these couple of days.

I bumped into a secondary school classmate, a friend from post seconday school days is getting married, and a biker, and I met up with a friend I have known from biking days, and am now chatting to a dear friend from my MDIS days.

Wah. Each phase of my life over the past 10 years.

Actually, too much feelings and emotions darting in and out that I could find no words to type them out.

Bittersweet.

And all these people, are actually people who mean a lot to me, and not just any other friend or acquaintance.

It is just.. nostalgic.

***

Been running around yesterday. Work. Work. Work.

Boohoo. Another huge screw up, and I am going to put my name on the line, let it drop the floor, and I shall trample it.

And oh, for the first time in my life, I have my first liability(no, not Mini okay).

A credit card.

Control, baby, control.

***

I went down to MacDonald House to do my banking, and to do my credit card. Anyone needs to get a Citibank credit card? I will refer this very brilliant chap who did my card for me to you.

***

I even went to check out infant care to see how viable it is for me to get her to be in Singapore, close to me.

Very expensive. Sigh.

***

I  met up with Meiling to sign some documents, before we sat around with Brian and Roy.

Brian and I then had a verbal sparring that Meiling had fun watching, especially when we got exasperated about work and just didn’t and could’t agree with one another.

Told ya the union is such a wrrrrrooonnngggg one.

That bugger told me the boss of the printer shop didn’t recognise me cos the last time he saw me he thought I looked like the maid(no, not the reason why we disagreed with each other).

The horrors!

Don’t know the same country as erotic Potato or not.

Anyway, the bugger then left for home to finish some backlog, whilst I sat around a bit more to speak to Meiling.

It was a nice, long catch up. It is almost surreal to think back the things that had transpired over the past 3 years.

That ex-boyfriend of hers, Kenneth, had owed her up to a 5-figure sum and had haughtily refused payment. It was kinda funny cos he had told her to come up with documents to prove he owes her money, and after she dug up all the receipts and bills, it had came up to much more than the both of them had expected.

Then, he told her he not going to pay, and she could use legal means if she wants.

I think it is blardy unfair now especially she is now at a phase of her life that she really needs that money but yet he is behaving like a downright creep.

Men. You can’t help but feel like strangling them.

***

And so much things have changed.

It is amazing how conversations will just flow once you get over the trying-to-be-who-you-were. It is always the case that you slip into that familiar feeling, and then you start to talk and behave the way you were at the phase of time when you knew the person. I know I have a problem with that, and it is scary to hear your secondary school mate telling you, ‘Gee! You are still the same!’ and you find yourself saying the same thing back.

Then, as conversations flow, you realise everything is but the same.

***

We were being proposed of new business ideas yesterday, which seems pretty workable but is going to be a big roll of dice for us.

It was a lengthy discussion… and who knows what it may bring?

***

Oh! I finally loaded Minibean’s pictures!

I don’t have much because when you have your parents trying to snatch her from your arms cos it’s her bedtime, and then fuss over what’s the flashes doing to her eyes, and then keep saying I am taking too many pictures of her(hello! It is NEVER too many!).

So! Beanie! The Mini one!

Oh, when I was having late dinner, I was staring at the tin of brown rice before me.

And I am starting to worry what they put inside the food my daughter eats.

***

Not good to digress.

Anyway, we were trying to get her to crawl towards things that she wanted to get her hands on.

(Digressing, I was telling Potato I should put a lot of cute boy babies’ pictures and see which one she crawls towards. But, I half suspect she would end up just flaps her hands and gather everything into a heap)

She would turn, flip, dive, wriggle, and just make her way around on the bed.

And she wouldn’t stop smiling when she saw Mummy.

But when Mummy wanna capture her smile, she stops.

And her new little tooth is popping out.

The smart little one held out her hand when Mummy was reading her health booklet.

Gee, I should probably teach her how to write now. Kidding.

And when I propped her up, she could sit in that position for quite some time. My little doll:

(SBB: Why is she always drooling? Teething, duh!)

Minibean: Get away from me you stranger!

I brought back a toy for her, and she was thrilled.

So thrilled that when I took it away, she started crying for it.

I have a video of her crying when I took it away, but it is too big to be uploaded. Heh.

My baby needs a haircut! It is becoming from a coffeeshop uncle’s perm to a coffeeshop auntie’s perm.

So cute you little one, in flowery pyjamas Gran bought you.

She seems to be in a perpetual ’stunned’ mode.

She was trying to sit up all the time when she was lying in my arms. Not bad, that means she would be able to help herself to sit up soon!

She still has the tongue-in-between-her-lips habit. Tsk!

She lost a bit of weight because of her cold. But now she is getting so much better.

So cute you little one.

***

With the amount of work this week, I cannot go Genting with them.

***

I had wanted to play mahjong yesterday but last minute-ly, someone, cough, called to ask me if I could give it a miss, so he could pop by.

Wah.

First. Time. Ever.

And I did the unthinkable.

Forsaking the girlies for some loving. *Giggles*

The bugger was late, and I was so disgruntled with the fact that I could have finished half or even one round while waiting.

But he made up for it with Delifrance croissant and stocking up my cup noodles supply.

And no…. karma(for bailing out) didn’t happen this time, amazingly.

The opposite did.

Anyway. Ahem. But karma takes place in terms of work today when the silly little deal screws up again.

Arrrrrrrgggghhhhh.

***

Quote of the day:

“You are not fat… you are just… soft.”

*Throw in all languages of expletives here*

(And he wonders why I am always so self-conscious)

My feeble defense?

I am a mother of one you know…? I have rights to be.. uhm, soft.

Last week when I was sick and hungry and skinny, I saw 47+ on my scales and a vague 23+ on the measuring tape… BUT what the… I am still.. soft.

Sometimes, it really doesn’t matter what the measurement tells you. I always feel a twitch of ouchiness when I recall the phone call with Potato on that night when it just touched on a topic about it doesn’t matter what people think of you… but it is just something that goes inside your head, because you know, you could definitely be better.

***

It was nice to just… spend time, talk, and mindfuck ourselves. Tickling, hugging, bantering, teasing, giggling, sniffing and snoring.

***

I was forced out of the bed today when he off-ed the aircon to wake me up, and pulled away the duvet.

I was drifting back to sleep, before he bugged me up to go for lunch.

I sat up pouting and rubbed my eyes  sulkishly before I got up to change.

And off for lunch we went, and he was actually gamed enough for a walk to the nearby coffeeshop, simply because I didn’t want to wear a helmet.

The thing about walks is, you could always steal pecks and cuddles in between..

I was contemplating to buy 4-D or not. Hurhurhur.

We sat there and hang out before we walked back home after lunch.

He took a nap and tried to fall asleep on my lap, but that didn’t happen.

Cuddles. Cuddles. Pat. Pat. Smoochy. Smooch. Smooch.

I also took a nap.

It was late when he left, and I took a last sniff of his neck, rubbing my nose against it before I said goodbye.

***

Okay. Time to head back to work.

It was a quick start of the day, and I gave a quick hug to the sleepyhead, which he responded with his eyes struggling to open, some soft mutters, and perking his lips for a goodbye kiss.

He slept on as I left him a note and the spare key again.

I don’t even think I had enough sleep after we had watched some series(No, not porn, thank you very much) on my desktop till daybreak.

He had dropped by very last minute after finishing some overtime work, and it was after I had finished with my Chelsea-Manchester United match.

Though he very evil-ly pleaded with me in a baby voice so that I would get some groceries for him.

I walked out and he was at my place before I was there.

I heard some ruffles and I turned to have the shock of my life, and that he was following behind me all these while.

I sulked at the shock he had given me and as he laughed, he embraced me to calm me down.

Good try.

The sweet one helped me to fix up the side table I had gotten from IKEA, which I had said in that particular entry that I didn’t manage to fix up.

He sat himself down on the floor and helped me with it.

‘Remember don’t put Charissa on it,’ he said, after fixing the table together.

We put anti-scratch on the legs, and then I poured some potpourri into the glass bowl and set the table at the side of my room.

He carried it into the corner, and the small little change just cheered me up lots.

I was telling JD how my nesting instinct is so strong these days.

He leaned onto me as we sat through some shows on the desktop, with the occasion tightening of embrace from me, and he would tilt his head sidewards to plant kisses on my arms, or grabbed my arms tighter.

I was dead tired since I had less than 5 hours of sleep the night before.

Of course he had to delay my rest till it was almost 7am.

***

When I got home on Thursday, it was yet another note that greeted me.

The room doesn’t feel so cold anymore.

For the 2 weeks before, CBB was pretty aggressive, and it came to a halt last week.

Ironically, EBB, whom I haven’t heard from for a blardy long time, suddenly messaged me out of the blue over the weekend.

All was quiet with CBB, and EBB seemed to be really concerned(I try not to read too much into how genuine his concern was) with what has been going on with my life.

***

I spent last night suppering with SBB, and I have been eating too much these days. I just wouldn’t stop.

It is no wonder the girlies all commented how it is pretty obvious that my face is a bit meatier.

I think I want to go on appetite suppressant.

Sometimes in life, when things come too soon, and the timing isn’t right, you just have to try again to get things going, so that you would finally get what you want. If you want it bad enough, that is.

That came from nowhere, doesn’t it? Don’t ask me why.

***

Just before SBB was going off, I tempted him with the sweet seduction he couldn’t resist.

I casually played my media player, and he crumbled into my arms and leaned in on my chest as he sat through the entire show despite having to work the next day(well well, he is a task-completer, that’s why after few minutes into the show, he couldn’t bring himself to walk off halfway).

I snaked my arms round him, over his shoulders, from the back, and with no support for my back, I think that pretty much explains my backache today.

But it was really, really nice. To be able to relax like this and just… spend time, with the occasional pecks on his forehead and cheeks as the show went on.

Sweet sweets.

***

I sometimes wonder about this trophy-thingy.

I know it is inevitable sometimes, but I absolutely loathe it if I know how I am just another trophy, with a tombstone just to tabulate ’scores’.

It’s like.. you know, those animal heads hanging on the wall(must be watching too much CSI), like specimens, as if there is a point to make.

I don’t know where that come from either.

***

I thought my days would be freed up by next week but I obviously didn’t forsee the schedule that is in for me for the rest of the month.

Dammit. I am just nominated for a new role in the company, and I think the responsibilities will mean it is harder for me to let go some stuff.

I went back company for meeting today before heading to Clarke Quay to meet Potato.

That girlie lost so much weight and is so pretty.

We chilled until Debbie joined us, and it was just a quiet evening with the skinny fire extinguisher right behind us.

We left after doing something really naughty.

I am so tired but I know there are investment reports to make and backlogs to clear. Bleah.

I love the new mall at Clarke Quay.

I love hanging out with fabulous company like the 2 ladies.

I have much errands to run tomorrow, mainly banking stuff. Appointments and meetings tomorrow too! Well, at least working in a bank means I can just pop down to do transactions.

I very the sad.

Dad today issued me a cheque and I was so devastated when I realised he spelt my name wrongly.

It is like.. HELLO?! Dad! You gave me the name, and then now you write wrongly? I haven’t complained about how you are like showering all your love on Miniban and not me anymore. *Sulks*

Heh.

I am so unwanted, can?

***

I am so blardy hungry and I have no idea why. I am trying to resist ordering McDee’s at such obscene hours.

I had my dinner, nipped their food, and I am still hungry.

I don’t want to grow fat.

It is one of my favourite songs. A song that reminds me so much of the UK days…

I was just listening to it on my MP3 player when I was walking home from a very-late supper at around midnight, since I had finished an appointment only at 11 plus.

I left home today just as the sky darkened… and I really wished I could just snuggle up in bed, next to the warm body next to me. Just a little more…

Like how I had woken up with a draped arm around my midriff, holding me tighter as I tried to fight for a few more minutes of sleep.

I hopped on a cab, and watched it slowly crept into the heavy-shower zone.

I felt a quaint sense of peace, as I watched the rain beating down on the window, along the expressway.

I adore the rain.

Maybe it gives me a contrast sense of security when I am enveloped in a shelter, away from it.

Like as if I am protected, shielded, and cuddled.

And as I was battering the horrible traffic in the concrete jungle in the morning, at home lies a very blissful soul, still tucked comfortably under the duvet.

(I love grabbing his foot and tickle it silly)

He was having off for the day, and for the first time in 21 months, I left him to indulge a little more without shooing him off the bed as I rush for my work. A little peck on the forehead, and just a little cuddle that made me so much wanted to stay.

I left Elmo by the cot, and greeted him with ‘morning’ hugs and kisses, with the spare key sitting on its lap.

(I love Elmo. I believe Minibean will adore it too. Can’t wait to see her cuddling Elmo. On a side note, just spoke to Mum and Dad. It’s cute how Mum keeps saying she is a naughty one, whilst Dad, couldn’t stop saying how obedient and brilliant she is. Of course, Dad is the one who pampers her by carrying her non-stop and thus, spoiling her. Oh, Dad also says how Minibean loves lying on her front, and jerk up her butt into the air as she sleeps at night. So cute!! I can’t wait to see for myself. But last I remembered… I used to sleep like this too!)

(Another side note. I met a brilliant, confident young lady yesterday. And she had wanted to get something for Minibean. I had always wanted an Elmo for Minibean, because when I was younger, I didn’t understand Sesame Street cos of my language barrier, and perhaps, I wouldn’t want her to miss a part of her childhood that almost all other children have a part of. Thanks dear for this sweet, sweet gesture.)

I think I have went waaaayy offtopic.

And how quaint it is that as I wrap this post up, the song is randomly playing on my Media Player now.

On a day like this, with the rain pelting, I still have the buzz from the night’s warmth, the lingering sweetness of a tight embrace….

Just a little more, is all I need. To burrow my head further into the small little gap that holds my head snugly between his jaw and shoulder.

So that I would snore into his ears as I fell asleep in his arms, annoys him so much that he would have to move away before he could fall asleep. Heh.

Then again, it will never be enough, before I could peel myself away from all that comfort, and to have to brave the rain again.

I got home today, with Elmo greeting me…

‘Hello Sweets… Welcome back! Muacks.’

Comfort.

Bliss.

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin’ through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
There’s a laughter on the line
Are you sure you’re there alone?
Cause I’m
Tryin’ to explain
Somethin’s wrong
Ya just don’t sound the same
Why don’t you
Why don’t you
Go outside
Go outside
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I’m gone, too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We’re under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can’t wait till mornin’
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I’m missin’ you
What’s new?
How’s the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
Cause you sound so close but it feels like you’re so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I’m left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go
Kiss the rain
And you’d fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me